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My stomach growled loudly. As I forced my eyes open I saw a few beams of sunlight sneaking through my closed blinds. I did not want to be awake.
Images from two days prior kept flashing through my mind. Even my dreams were filled with hoofbeats pounding like the blood rushing in my ears. My only true source of comfort through this whole nightmare was… gone.
My stomach rumbled again, and there was an edge of sharpness I grew to be familiar with in the funhouse. I did not leave my cottage yesterday. At least after several days of starving, it was easy to go back.
I did not want to see the faces of everyone else. I did not want them to look at me with pity, knowing that I was hurting. The alternative was even worse - that they would just brush his death off and keep moving forward like he simply did not matter. Yes, we had been moving forward after each tragedy so far, but for him… It just did not feel right to me.
I felt a raw pain in my abdomen. I groaned and looked at my bedside clock. There was still about an hour before Monokuma’s morning announcement. Maybe the restaurant would be empty.
Sitting up, I was met by a small wave of vertigo. I realized that since so little time had passed since the funhouse, I had not recovered from it. Alright, I told myself, let us go to the restaurant.
My legs were shaking as I made my way to my bathroom. My cheeks were sunken, my eyes were red with the darkest circles I had ever seen underneath them, and I had dried tear streaks running down my face. I soaked a washcloth in the coldest water that would run and gently dabbed at them.
Slowly, I brushed my teeth and hair as well, sitting down on the toilet to save what little energy I still had. I felt both physically and emotionally like an empty husk.
After what I believed to be five minutes, but ended up closer to twenty, my hand was on the cottage’s doorknob. I steeled myself for any interactions I would have to face on my way to the restaurant, and cracked open the door.
I squinted into the bright morning sun. Scanning the poolside I did not see anyone out and about, though perhaps they were still sleeping. The cool, clean water beckoned to me as the heat had already begun to weigh down on me. In my room I had felt a chill, and now I was just wishing I could drag my heavy body along faster to be out of the sun.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I entered the shade of the hotel overhang, but again a shiver ran through me as the cold door handle met my skin. It seemed heavier than when I had opened it previously, and pushing it open just furthered my exhaustion. There was no way I was going to climb the stairs directly up to the restaurant. At least these were out of the sun.
The door closed behind me, and once again, I was met by an empty scene. It seemed like I was the first one up. The lobby sounded eerily silent.
I slowly made my way up the stairs; every step felt like a hundred. Halfway up I was met by a wall of the smell of breakfast foods, which quickened my pace and my stomach’s incessant growling. I wanted to sprint to the bars of food, but all I could do was keep trudging forward. The only thing on my mind was food.
Nearly stumbling on the last step, I staggered to the nearest table to sit down for a moment. My vision had gone blurry, and my head was spinning, and from exactly what I could not tell, but I had to take a few breaths before I could grab a plate.
I laid my chin in my hands, propping my head up. I closed my eyes for a second before I heard footsteps moving towards me from the far side of the restaurant. I suppose I did not have the chance to look around.
Gritting my teeth in anticipation of the one person I most definitely did not want to see, I sighed. I heard a glass and a plate be set in front of me, and whatever food was on it smelled incredible.
I opened my eyes to see a glass of orange juice and a plate of… buttered toast and eggs. That was what had smelled so good? I must really be starving.
I moved my eyes upward, and saw Chiaki watching me with a small, relieved smile. As glad as I was that she was the one I came across, ever since we had met on Jabberwock Island the sight of her filled my chest like a balloon with a mix of dread and grief that I could not understand. As much as I cared about her, it terrified me.
“I’m glad to see you out of your room,” she said to me. “I was getting worried. Eat slowly.”
I half-heartedly returned her smile. “I did not think anyone else would be here right now.” I sipped my orange juice, restraining myself from chugging it as fast as I could. The glass was smooth, and cold. The juice was sweet and light, it seemed fresh-squeezed as opposed to the manufactured orange juice we had been drinking. Maybe it was just me tasting it for the first time in days.
Had it really only been days?
“I don’t sleep in very late,” she responded. “I’m always tired during the day… but unfortunately nighttime is a different story.” I saw a slightly bitter smile on her lips. I did not have insomnia myself, but I had known some people who did. It sounded hellish.
She fidgeted with the ends of her hair before continuing. “I like to come here before the morning announcement. Most of the others wake up with it.”
I started to nibble at the toast while fighting the urge to devour it in as few bites as possible. “Why do you want to get here before them?”
She paused. “Most of them are exhausting… well at this point that mostly means Nagito and Kazuichi.”
I tried not to smile at her response. “... I cannot say I disagree.”
She giggled slightly, softly, in a way that made my heart ache. I took another bite of toast. “I am glad to see you out of bed today. I was getting worried.”
She placed a hand on my left one that was still resting on the table and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I know how hard the last trial must’ve been for you. I’m glad to see you haven’t given up.”
I tried to ignore either jump my heart performed at her action and words. I took another sip of juice as I fought back the lump in my throat.
I was trying to keep from thinking of him. We hardly knew each other, so why did I love him so damn much ? And there was no doubt in my mind that he felt as intensely about me. The things he had told me about himself… yet he loved me so fast…
“Come back to me, Sonia,” she squeezed my hand again, and my heart felt that heavy pulse that I hated so much. I opened my eyes that I had not realized were closed.
I opened my mouth to speak once, twice, but no sound came out as the dam I was trying so hard to keep up broke under that despair’s weight.
Next thing I knew, we were kneeling on the floor next to our table. I was wailing into her shoulder with her arms wrapped around me, comforting me, holding me upright. I did not think I had so many tears left.
She murmured words of comfort while gently stroking my hair until I had come back down to merely sniffling. I could not tell how much time had passed until a familiar tone rang out from the monitors.
Chiaki placed her hand on the back of my head. My face was still buried in her shoulder.
“Hey, the others will start showing up soon,” she said softly.
I did not want the others to see me looking so frail and shaken, so I gingerly stood up, finished my orange juice, and gathered my remaining half-slice of toast and now-cold bits of egg. I took a deep breath as I walked to the garbage can across the room, disposing of them. I was not going to push myself to eat more than I wanted.
When I turned around, Chiaki was back to sitting at our table. She seemed to be holding up pretty well, all things considered. I wondered if she was as okay as she seemed, then realized that of course she was not, none of us were.
“There is a bathroom downstairs, right?” I asked as I walked back to her, cringing at how hoarse my voice sounded.
“Yep, take a right at the bottom of the stairs,” she answered with a small smile that faded as she met my eyes.
She looked down at the floor briefly, before looking back up at me. “If you ever want to talk about things… I’m more than happy to listen.”
I returned her small smile. It may have been my imagination, but her cheeks had the slightest dust of pink. “I will keep that in mind.”
Yet, I winced as I began to descend the staircase. That awful feeling hit me again. Why did she hurt so much?
“--wait, Sonia,” Chiaki quickly rose from the table and walked over to me, and she started to reach for the arm that was trembling at my side, but seemed to think better of it and dropped hers back down.
“There’s a service elevator, you should use that. You can barely walk.” She spoke firmly, but would not meet my eyes as I turned around.
“I did not know we had one,” I said, “is it not off-limits?”
“Well…” she thought for a moment, “there’s no staff to use it, and there hasn’t been a rule against it, so it should be fine. I’ll lead you to it.”
She turned back towards the kitchen and began walking off, unintentionally leaving me to catch up. She never let me fall far behind, but her speed was a bit difficult to keep up with. She seemed to have recovered rather quickly from the past few days… or had it been a week now?
Passing through the kitchen showed me all manner of cooking appliances and equipment that looked like it had never even been seen before, let alone used to make the food we had been eating. It even smelled like things were cooking, but everything looked so pristine.
Past the grills along the back wall, she led me around a short corner, and we were met with a set of wide doors. Here was the service elevator, tucked away.
I pressed the down button as she spoke again. “Take two lefts, and the bathroom is near the end of the left wall.”
The doors opened and I stepped inside. She gave me a reassuring smile as the doors began to close again, and all too late I had the thought to ask her how she knew about it. Oh well, she must have explored further than I had, I thought while trying to ignore the unpleasantly-familiar squeezing of my heart once I could no longer see her.
Once back on the ground floor, I found the bathroom and ducked inside. I knew it was only a matter of time before my other classmates began to show up, and I was very much not ready to face them yet.
I dabbed at my eyes with a paper towel soaked in cold water. I still looked half-dead, but I was getting some energy back. My face would hopefully fill back out soon.
A couple minutes passed before I forced myself to leave. My breathing was back to normal and my eyes were a bit less red, and I did not have much longer to myself.
I scanned the lobby as I exited the bathroom, and with a sigh of relief there was no one to be found. Making my way to the door I saw that the poolside was still empty as well. The door handle felt significantly warmer in my hand than it had on my way in.
The sun felt a bit less oppressive as I passed by the pool again. I paused and squatted down next to it, dipping my fingers into the invitingly cool water. It was so, so clean. I preferred the ocean, but the pool was certainly less of a hassle. I thought about going for a swim, perhaps in a few hours. Maybe. If the other girls would join me.
A door to one of the other cottages opened and closed. I submerged my hand and knew that I would have to make conversation with someone. I did not stand up yet. I did not look away from the water. I just hoped with every fiber of my being that they were not–
“Miss Sonia!”
I gritted my teeth and stood up, drying my hand on my skirt. Just ignore him .
Kazuichi darted over to me. He still looked a bit gaunt, too.
“Are you alright? Were you in your room all day yesterday?” he asked, and he seemed genuinely concerned, which did slightly ease me. “Are you on your way to breakfast?”
I looked back at Hotel Mirai, then back at him.
“I already ate.”
I could hear the lack of emotion in my voice, but I was still far too exhausted to put enough effort into pretending for him. I could feel a ghost of a smile on my lips, but I could not tell if I was actually smiling.
“Already? Is anyone else up yet?” he asked, looking past me and into the lobby.
I stared ahead, back toward the cottages. There was something unfocused about even his mannerisms. The last few days sure were hell for everyone.
I swayed a moment on my feet before swallowing and replying. “Chiaki was up.” Her name felt weird in my mouth.
“Oh,” he blinked, looking at the ground briefly, then back up. “Well, I’m glad you had company.”
I sighed softly to myself, daring to hope he would not... “And I as we–”
“You know, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I’m more than happy to oblige.”
I shut my mouth. A hot dagger of… *something* (anger? frustration? helplessness? all three?) shot through my heart like a bolt of lightning. I did not care that he cut me off. I assumed he just had not really finished speaking when I had begun, but…
“What do you see me as?” I spoke through gritted teeth.
His faint grin faded into a somewhat confused expression. “W-what?”
My eyes darted to meet his own. I felt my hands begin to shake. It was all going to spill out at once, and I did not have the strength to hold it back any longer.
“ What do you see me as ?”
His confusion grew, and I watched a bit of nervousness creep in. “Well… I see you as a beautiful princess whose heart just got shattered, and you probably need someone to be your rock in all of this–”
“And what makes you think I would ever want you to be that rock?” I spit my words back out at him. He blinked in surprise, seemingly stunned at my rising tone.
“All I am is a trophy of a person to you. All you see me as is a porcelain doll that you want to show off.” I felt my stomach burning as I watched his face tint red, he looked away. Good .
“N-no… that’s not it at all…”
“Then what is ?”
He swallowed, and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, a princess needs her Prince Charming, right?...”
He spoke more, but I could not hear over the pounding in my ears. Even after all this time he still did not get it . The heat was building up inside me like a fireball, gnarling my stomach and burning my ribcage, and stopping impatiently just behind my teeth. My head pounded and my hands were numb as I shut my eyes. I inhaled once, twice…
I felt my knees meet the rough concrete as I tangled my hands in my own hair.
“ LEAVE ME ALONE! ”
I screamed all the air out of my lungs. My eyes burned as I grit my teeth so hard they felt like they could break.
I gasped once. Then the concrete was solid under my fist. The dam had burst.
“All you have done since the day we met is follow me around and act like I can not think or act or do anything for myself. You have only ever been obsessive and possessive of me and you think I would want to marry you someday? ”
I fought back the urge to throw up. I had one arm wrapped around my stomach. Things felt like they were moving in picture frames. All I could see was the concrete.
I clenched my side. My eyes burned. “You looked at what we just came out the other side of… and you are already trying to make another move on me.”
Staring at the ground, heaving my breaths and clenching my jaw, I heard him stutter something then walk off and into the hotel.
At least he left on his own.
I heard a wail escape my mouth as I collapsed the rest of the way onto my side. I felt sobs wrack my body, but I did not feel like I was crying. The sunlight danced on the water in front of my face. It was pretty, even as a blur.
I heard the lobby door open again. I knew it had to be one of two people… I forced myself to catch my breath.
“Sonia!” I heard a shout as Chiaki rushed over to my side.
“I heard you yell, and Kazuichi looked upset…” She knelt beside me, but let me roll over to face her. I saw a small, relieved smile light her face when I met her eyes. “You don’t have to say anything, but let’s get you back to your cottage, okay? We don’t want you to drown.”
I sighed. I groaned as I started to feel my head throbbing. She extended her hands to me, and we stood up together. I was shaking like a leaf. She was so sturdy in comparison.
Slowly, we shuffled away from the pool. Each step was a fight, yet it felt like I was floating.
I blinked and we were at my cottage door. I blinked again and my hand was on the knob. Once more, and I was sitting on my bed with her standing next to me. She was handing me a bottle of water from my refrigerator.
I took it, and when I went to twist off the cap, found it already open.
“Save whatever energy you can,” she said softly. She shuffled in place a bit, looking at the bed next to me.
She cleared her throat. “Do you… want to be alone? I can stay if you want me to, but if you still want some space, I understand.”
I thought for a few moments, chest hurting once more. “I… do not know what I want.”
Images of him flashed through my mind after I spoke. I wanted Gundham.
I sat down onto my bed as a wave of dizziness washed over me. I took a sip of water that chilled me to the bone. I wanted to go back to sleep.
“I think…” I began, surprised at the sudden fragility of my own voice, “I would like to be alone for a little while longer.” My head was beginning to swarm with thoughts of him.
Chiaki nodded, “of course, take your time.” She turned around and walked back to the door as I laid down, facing the wall, and pulled the blankets up to my neck.
She paused, door half-open. “Do you want me to bring you dinner later?”
I thought for a moment. “Yes, please, if you do not mind.”
“Of course I don’t mind, I offered,” she responded, and I could hear the smile and relief in her voice.
I murmured thanks as I heard the door close. I shut my eyes to try to fall back asleep, but now, as if triggered by me laying back down, I could not stop replaying what I had said to Kazuichi.
I thought about the situation we were in, what was on the line, and if he was angry. And if he would want to do something about that anger. I thought he was too cowardly for such a thing, especially with me being the target. I thought about how what I said could have possibly hurt him, but at least I had not insulted him. Finally standing up for myself was nothing to apologize for, even if I had been harsh. I did not regret it.
For how long I stared at the wall, unable to close my eyes, trapped in my mind, I was unsure. Perhaps an hour. Perhaps two.
I heard a knock at my door, but it was soft, and about knee-height. I did not respond.
Still, I heard my door click and slowly open, and then Monomi’s soft frame padded across my floor as I heard her cautious voice apologize for walking in regardless. I sighed, but did not roll over to face her yet.
“I am not apologizing to him.” I spoke bluntly to the wall.
“I-I’m not here to lecture you, I promise,” she responded softly. “You’ve barely left your room in the past few days, I just wanted to check on you. Is there anything I can do to help?”
I stayed silent. I did not know what to say. No, there was nothing she could do, but to say out loud that nothing could be done but wait for something else to happen was too dreadful a thought to speak.
“Well, um…” she began talking again. “I… may have brought you something anyway.”
I finally rolled over to look at her. She was holding her hands behind her back.
“I’ve been feeding them since…” she trailed off, even her not wanting to say it, “...but I’m sure they’d like you better,” she smiled sheepishly to herself.
“If it’s too much, I understand,” she continued, bringing her hands out in front of her.
I could not believe my eyes… the Four Dark Devas of Destruction were resting on her paws, completely unscathed, if not a bit downtrodden, and still appearing wonderfully healthy at that. They perked up slightly once they noticed me.
I sat up and held out my hands for them. They had hardly even crossed my mind since then… I had merely assumed they ran off into the wilderness of the island, but of course they stayed. Of course they stayed.
They softly walked into my hands and I was amazed at how solid they each felt. So warm, so soft… They did not have their typical vim and vigor, but they were certainly his hamsters all the same.
Monomi spoke up again. “They miss him too, and I figured you might want to take care of them for him.”
I found it hard to speak around the lump in my throat. “Th-thank you.”
My mind was beginning to race again. I hardly noticed Monomi leave my cottage.
I stared at the hamsters in my hands. The last things that belonged to him who I loved more than anything. I still was gnawing over how we loved each other so fast when he had implored that it was impossible for him to fall in love at first sight. He had been just as confused. Perhaps it was just his flair for the dramatic, but even that did not feel right in my mind.
I blinked myself back down to earth to find my hands now empty, and the hamsters asleep on the edge of my pillow. I wanted to cry once again, but found I had no tears left. Maybe now I would be able to take a nap.
I laid my head down carefully next to the lightly-snoring rodents, and found that my racing thoughts were distracted by watching them. The rhythmic rise-and-fall of their tiny chests, ears and whiskers twitching in turn with each other, a quiet squeak here and there….
—There was a knock at the door again. Human, this time.
I opened my eyes to the golden sunlight of evening streaming through the window blinds. I… definitely took more than just a nap.
I sat up to see the hamsters had moved to sleep around my head on the pillow like a halo. I watched them wake up as well, and realized I felt more rested than I had in a while.
The knock at my door again. “Sonia? Are you in there?” I must have slept until dinner.
The thought of food made my stomach growl. “Yes, come in,” I responded.
Chiaki opened the door, two take-out boxes and two bottles of juice in a bag at her side. It smelled better than anything I could have imagined.
"I didn't want you to wait," she explained, gesturing with the bag as she stepped inside once again, "so I got mine to go also. We can eat together… if you want."
I felt my heart squeeze again, but somehow it did not hurt as much. I looked to the hamsters now lined up on my pillow, staring down the food, and smiled to myself. Something about them gave me a slight glimmer of hope - one that I certainly needed.
I looked back at Chiaki, as she handed me my dinner.
"I think I would like that."