Chapter Text
The ball lands in the middle of the opposite court, scoring the final point for the jersey team. The point keeper blows the whistle and the boys celebrate.
"Alright, great job today guys!" The captain, Kuroo Tetsurou, calls out to them. "Go get cleaned up and we'll discuss." The team disperses, some heading for the club room and others staying behind to chug water from their bottles. Kenma joins those heading to the club room, trailing behind them at a subtle distance. He walks with his head down, hair forming a protective barricade around his field of vision. The narrow path of eyesight brings him comfort, lessening the input from his senses. Rapid footsteps come up behind the group and Kenma tenses, bracing himself for the hit he knows is coming. Instead, a long arm slinks around his shoulders.
"I hate it when you do that," Kenma tells Kuroo quietly. Kuroo laughs, ruffling Kenma's hair with his free hand.
“Don’t lie, I know you secretly love it, Kenma!” The second-year rolls his eyes, though secretly he’s comforted by the touch of his friend. No one messes with him when Kuroo’s around. He’s glad for the protection, but it also makes him more scared when he’s alone. It would just be easier if he didn’t have to deal with it anymore… “What’s going through that head of yours?”
“What?” Kenma looks up, his expression clearing from the dark cloud that had settled over it.
“Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” Kuroo frowns but doesn’t push it. He can tell that this is one of those times where it’s best he lets the subject drop. Along with that, he drops his arm from the setter’s shoulders.
“Hey, I just realized I forgot to grab something from the gym. I’ll meet you back at the club room.” Kuroo turns and jogs back towards the gym, leaving Kenma alone once again. By this point, the rest of the group has made it into the club room. When Kenma enters, he’s met by more than a few sneers.
“What a waste of talent…” Fukunaga mutters to Yamamoto. The boy with the mohawk nods in agreement, looking at their setter disapprovingly. Kenma ignores them, moving further into the room.
“Seriously, why is he even on the team?” Inuoka is complaining as he watches Kenma go by. “He doesn’t even like volleyball.” Kenma reaches his things and grabs his headphones, putting them on before he has to listen to more of their comments. He turns on his gameboy, loading up his progress in the game. As he curls up in the corner, his teammates continue to talk.
“We need a setter who actually likes the game.” Shibayama looks Kenma up and down with distaste.
“Dude, shut up, he might be able to hear you!” Lev snickers. Out of all of Kenma’s tormentors, Lev’s the one he hates the most. There’s something about the first year that really grates on his nerves.
“He’s wearing his headphones, he can’t hear anything over that stupid game.” Shibayama smirks over at Lev. I can hear you, Kenma wants to tell them. Stop acting like I’m not here. But he stays silent, something inside of him snapping. Hiding behind his hair, a small smile lifts the corner of his lips. It doesn’t matter anymore.
“Guys, shush! Kuroo’s coming!” Yaku whisper-yells from the other side of the room. The boys collectively quiet down, changing to an alternate topic. From under his eyelashes, Kenma makes eye contact with Lev and reaches up, fixing his headphones to cover both ears instead of one. The middle blocker widens his eyes and nudges Shibayama, who shoves him back.
“Later,” Shibayama hisses, glancing at the second-year. “His protector’s here.” Kuroo enters the room with Kai and Teshiro following close behind him.
“Alright! Since everyone’s here now, let’s get started.” Kuroo gestures to Kenma for him to take off his headphones. He obliges with a smile on his face. Kuroo raises his eyebrows, surprised to see the expression on the boy’s face. Once he recovers from the initial surprise, he smiles softly at seeing his friend happy. Typically he’s so reserved their teammates question if the boy even has feelings. Something must have happened to put that smile on his face, and for that, Kuroo is happy.
~~~
After practice, Kuroo and Kenma walk side by side on their way home. For the first time since they’ve met, Kenma’s not playing his game while they walk. He’s not playing on his phone, either. Instead, he’s actually chatting with Kuroo.
“Hey, Kuroo.” Kenma stops walking about a block from their houses. Kuroo takes two more steps before stopping and turning around to face him. “I just want to say thank you, you know, for everything that you do for me. You’re a good friend.” Kuroo involuntarily pulls his head back, caught off guard.
"Gwah! Kenma! You're never this sentimental, what's gotten into you?" Kuroo grabs Kenma and pulls him into a big hug, fussing with the smaller boy's hair. Instead of pulling away, Kenma returns the hug.
"I'm not done yet, you big lug." He pulls back, smiling.
"Before you continue…" Kuroo holds up his hand to stop Kenma. "I want to say that I'm glad. Whatever's making you so happy, I'm glad you have it. Wait, Kenma, do you have a girlfriend?" Kenma's eyes fly wide and his face flushes red.
"What? Jeez, Kuroo! No! Can't I just say thank you to my best friend?" He pouts, crossing his arms over his chest. Kuroo laughs, putting his hand on Kenma's shoulder.
"Can't be too hopeful, can I?" He laughs. "What were you gonna say?" Kenma takes a deep breath, looking down at the gaming console in his hand.
"Here." He holds it out to Kuroo, looking away. "I want you to take this." Kuroo stares at the little blue device, not comprehending.
"Kenma, what? What do you mean, take that?" He tries to laugh it off, but Kenma's grown serious.
"I want you to take it, Kuroo." He holds eye contact with the older boy, not even a glint in his eyes. It's almost scary. Kuroo takes it silently, sliding it into his pocket.
"Kenma, what is this about? I heard from the Karasuno captain that you gave Hinata your PlayStation." Kuroo’s grip tightens on Kenma's shoulder, preventing him from taking off.
"Stop being such a worrier, Kuroo." Kenma smiles, patting the hand on his shoulder. I'm just going to get new ones, that's all." Kuroo immediately relaxes.
"So that's why you're suddenly so happy!" They set off down the road again in the direction of their houses. "Hey, do you want to go meet Bokuto later? He invited me to go get ramen but you're welcome to come."
"Actually, I was planning on having dinner with my parents tonight." Kuroo raises an eyebrow, side-eyeing Kenma as they walk.
"You never want to eat dinner with your parents," he reminds him. "You told me they're always nagging you."
"Yeah, well." Kenma shrugs. "They're still my parents." Kuroo can't argue with that.
"Yeah. Yeah, that’s true." They come to a stop in front of their houses, staring up at the buildings for several moments.
"Kuroo." Kenma turns his body to face Kuroo, who's already looking at him. Seeing the earnest gleam to his eyes almost makes Kenma lose his nerve - but he pushes through. "I love you." The tips of Kuroo's ears turn bright red and he rubs the back of his neck.
"Kenma, come on…" He exhales sharply, struggling to find a response. "You know I love you." Kenma drops his eyes to the pavement beneath their feet, a gentle smile covering his lips.
"I know." He looks back up at Kuroo, who's looking at him with an expression he can't seem to read. Somehow, he doesn't think that's a bad thing. "Thank you."
"So, um…" Kuroo rubs the back of his neck again. Briefly Kenma wonders if he's going to rub his skin raw. "I'll see you at school tomorrow?" Kenma carefully orchestrates his face to a calm mask. Instead of responding, he smiles. He starts to walk up to his house, but stops halfway up the path.
"Darn it." He turns and runs back to Kuroo, slamming into him. Kuroo stumbles back in surprise, barely staying upright. Kenma hugs him tightly, like the world is ending. For him, it is.
"Woah, Kenma! You'll see me tomorrow!" Kuroo laughs awkwardly, but he hugs Kenma back. The two are silent, standing in the street holding each other.
"Bye, Kuroo." They let go of each other. Kenma fights with the urge to hold on for longer, grappling with his emotions. What a waste of talent. The words blast through his mind, steeling his resolve. He lowers his head, moving quickly to get to his house.
"Kenma!" Kuroo calls, standing directly at the end of the path to Kenma' house. "I do love you." Kenma smiles wistfully over his shoulder. His eyes shine in the dimming light.
"I know." He opens his front door and steps inside, closing it behind him before he loses his determination. His phone buzzes in his pocket as he leans against the door. When he takes it out, it's a text from Kuroo. He opens the message and reads it. Did you just Han Solo me? Kenma scoffs, shaking his head. So what. He responds before shoving the phone back into his pocket.
"Mom?" He listens closely for a response but there's nothing. "Dad?" Still no response. They must still be at work. He slides his feet out of his shoes and leaves them by the door. He chooses a pair of slippers and puts them on before heading up the stairs. Once he's in his room he tosses his bags onto the floor and falls back on his bed. Now that he's given away all of his video games, there's really nothing for him to do. He could work on homework, but there's really no point in that now. He closes his eyes, expecting just to rest for a few minutes.
He falls into a fitful sleep within minutes. Behind his eyelids, his classmates loom over him. Each of them are talking over one another, creating a swirling mass of dark, overwhelming words. What a waste of talent. He’s never going to make it in this world. Why is he even on the team? I bet he cuts himself. Look at him, he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He’s selfish. He should just go die. Kenma wakes with a gasp, his breathing heavy. He’s alone in his room in the dark. According to the alarm clock on his nightstand, he’d been asleep for an hour. The smell of dinner cooking wafts up from the first floor, filling his nose. He nearly jumps out of his skin when a gentle knock taps on his door.
“Kenma? Dinner’s almost ready, if you’re hungry…” It’s his mom. Every night she knocks on his door and offers dinner, but he never accepts. Tonight, it’s going to be different. Tonight, he’s going to eat with his parents. He gets up and opens the door, startling the woman on the other side.
“Sure, mom.” He offers her a smile, though it feels twisted and forced. “I’ll eat with you guys tonight.” For a moment, she simply stares at him. She’s unsure if he’s serious. But when he doesn’t shut the door in her face, her eyes light up.
“Great. Go on and get washed up, sweetheart.” She looks at him for a moment longer before making her way back downstairs. From his doorway, he can just hear her telling his father. The skeptical man pokes his head around the corner right as Kenma crosses the hallway to the bathroom. His eyebrows shoot up in surprise and he ducks back into the kitchen.
“He’s actually coming out of his room…” He tells Kenma’s mother. “What do you think he’s up to?” I’m not up to anything Dad, Kenma thinks as he washes his hands. I just want to have dinner with you guys. He dries his hands and jogs down the stairs, emerging into the foyer. The kitchen is empty, so he heads for the dining room.
“...He came back without his PlayStation the other day,” his mother is whispering as he approaches. “I think he’s starting to change.”
“And that doesn’t worry you?” His father asks. Kenma stops just outside the door to listen. “Change isn’t always a bad thing, Katashi.” Kenma moves into view, stopping the conversation.
“Kenma! Did you wash your hands?”
“Yeah.” He holds out his hands as if to show proof. “What’s for dinner?” His dad watches him as he sits down.
“Teriyaki tofu,” his mom answers. She looks up at him from behind her hair as she sets the table. “Is that alright?” He nods, leaning back to let her set his place.
“That’s perfect.” He reaches for the bottle of cold green tea, pouring himself a glass. “Thanks, mom.” His mom freezes while reaching for a pair of chopsticks.
“Of course.” She grabs the chopsticks and starts to serve the tofu, starting with his father. “How many would you like?” “Just three.” She nods once, moving on to put the tofu on his plate. Once she serves herself, she takes a seat. His father gives thanks for them and begins to eat. For several moments, Kenma pokes around at the food on his plate.
“Is everything alright?” He looks up, blinking at his mother. “You’re poking at your food.” He looks back down at his plate before answering.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired.” He smiles weakly, picking up a piece of tofu with his chopsticks. Taking a bite, he sighs. “It was a tough practice today.”
“How’s volleyball been going?” His father asks, glancing up from his food. Their utensils scrape against the plates as they eat, filling the silence while Kenma chews.
“It’s fine. Kuroo’s still referring to me as ‘the brain’ of our team.” His mom smiles down at her plate, happy that her son seems to finally be opening up.
“And Kuroo? How’s he? It didn’t look like he was home when we got home from work.” Kenma looks at his dad, really looks at him, for the first time in a while. He doesn’t remember the man looking as tired as he does now.
“He’s good. As happy as usual. Said he’s going to get ramen with Bokuto tonight.” He picks up another piece of tofu and shoves it into his mouth.
“You didn’t go with them?” His mom questions. He shakes his head.
“No. Didn’t feel like it.” He tucks a strand of hair behind his ear to get it out of the way of his food. “Thought I’d have dinner with you guys instead.” His mom looks across the table at his father, sharing a look. They eat the rest of their meal in silence.
After they eat, Kenma stands to help his mom collect the dishes. She looks at him, but doesn’t say anything. As much as she tries to hide her smile, she fails. Together, they carry the dishes over to the kitchen. His mom washes them as he dries them. For a while they work in silence, their elbows occasionally bumping.
“Are you sure everything’s alright, Kenma?” She hands him another dish, moving on to the last one. “It’s just that you never seem to want to spend time with us. Did you and Kuroo have a fight?”
"What? No.” Kenma almost laughs. “No, I just wanted to spend time with you and dad.” He takes the last dish from his mom and wipes at it with the towel.
“Thank you.” He glances over at her while he puts the dish back, frowning. “For spending time with us. We miss seeing you.” With four simple words, Kenma’s heart shatters. His eyes start to water and he bites his lip, quickly looking away.
“Jeez, mom, it’s not that big of a deal. You’re my parents.” He starts to feel a hand reaching into his chest, squeezing his heart. Another wraps around his throat, sealing his windpipe. He gives his hair a little shake, bringing it back into his face. With less range in his field of vision, he starts to calm down. The hand around his neck releases, but the one in his chest only loosens.
“We love you so much, Kenma. I hope you know that.” She pulls him into a hug, smoothing down the back of his hair. “You are so loved.”
“I know, mom.” He murmurs into her hair. “I love you guys, too.” I’m so sorry, mom.
~~~
After the three of them watched a movie together, his parents decide to go to bed. Kenma sits at the desk in his room, staring at the blank paper in front of him. He doesn’t even know where to start. Five minutes later, he groans in frustration. He grabs his phone from the other side of the desk and dials up Kuroo’s number.
“Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up…” The phone rings three, four, five times before going to voicemail.
“Hey, it’s Kuroo! I can’t come to the phone right now so just leave a message!” The answering machine beeps, signaling the beginning of the recording. Kenma’s shoulders sag in disappointment.
“Hey, Kuroo. It’s Kenma. I, uh, know you’re probably asleep right now. It’s pretty late so I don’t know why I thought you’d even be awake. Anyways, I just wanted to, you know, say thank you again. You know, for being my best friend. I don’t think you’ll ever know how much that’s meant to me. And I meant what I said earlier.” He looks up at his ceiling, trying to stem the tears beginning to flow. When he starts to speak again, his voice is shaking. “I love you, Kuroo.”
The silence once he hangs up the phone is deafening. It overwhelms him quickly, reducing him to a quivering mess. Heavy sobs rack his chest in silent agony, too painful to make noise. Overcome by the mound of emotions on his shoulders, he snatches the pen from off the desk. His hand flies over the paper, trying to get the words down as fast as he can think of them.
I’m sorry. That’s all I know to say right now. That I’m sorry. I know that they always tell us in school “suicide isn’t the answer”, or “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. But honestly, I just don’t care anymore. I’ve done all the caring I can do. Thank you for caring about me, mom and dad. I love you guys so much. Please don’t let this break you apart. It’s not either of your faults. If there’s one thing I want to come from this, I want you two to stay together. If not for each other then for me. Thank you for raising me. You did great.
Kuroo - thank you for being my friend. Thank you for not giving up on me. I’m sorry I couldn’t stick around for you. If anyone, you were the one I wanted to stick around for the most. But I just couldn’t anymore. You’ve been my best friend for so long, it feels so unfair to leave you. It feels worse to stay.
For the team - I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you. I really did try my best. At the end of the day, it wasn’t enough. Teshiro, you deserve to be the setter more than I did. You have such a love for volleyball that I just couldn’t muster up. Win nationals for us, okay?
Hinata - keep your head up. I’m sorry we never got to play in an official game together. I was looking forward to it. Don’t lose your shine. Tell Natsu I said her big brother is awesome.
I’m sorry. I love you.