Work Text:
Fallen leaves of auburn and gold crunched beneath Keiji's soles as he walked through the silent, almost empty park. The setting sun peeked through the foliage of the trees lining the path where he strolled, but this was no match for the cold autumn winds. His hands were in his pockets for warmth, face half buried in his warm knit scarf.
Keiji often walked along this park whenever he missed Koutarou, which admittedly happened more often than he’d expected when he accepted to be a part of their relationship.
Akaashi Keiji worked as a simple manga editor. It wasn’t as if he hated working a desk job. In fact, he enjoyed his modest work, even if he wished he worked at a different department in their office.
Meanwhile, Bokuto Koutarou had gone on to become a famous pro athlete, often out late because of practices, or out of town for matches. He had become a famous personality, with his face frequenting magazines. Moreover, he was scouted to model for various brands, and he was often on advertisement boards, commercials, and even on products. Truly, Koutarou had become a celebrity.
This wasn’t a problem for them when they first started out. Each respected the other’s work, and understood that their jobs consumed their time much more than they’d like. They used to make it up to each other in simple ways, like Keiji making breakfast for the tired Kotarou and then showering him with kisses, or Koutarou brewing a fragrant cup of coffee for Keiji’s frequent all-nighters.
However, as time passed, their roads started to diverge a bit too much, and somehow, they started to drift apart from each other, especially with Kotarou often being away because his busy career demanded so much of his time.
All these thoughts buzzed in Keiji’s head as he walked on by. He was prone to overthinking, and recently the thoughts that occupied most of his mind were about how absent Koutarou was. He looked up at the sky and closed his eyes, feeling the breeze. The cold winds made his face ache, though at that point, feeling something was better than feeling nothing at all.
The way back to their apartment was through the shopping district that Keiji and Koutarou used to stroll around with hands intertwined. Passing through it each day pained Keiji. Each shop and every corner of the district held different memories of how they used to be. The small fruit stall that was managed by the kind, elderly woman was where they used to buy fruits that they picked together. “You two are just the cutest ,” she once said with a sweet smile. The fruits sat in a bowl on the kitchen countertop, watching as the couple danced slowly to songs that played on the old radio. The dainty bookstore was where Koutarou had once stormed out because of trivial jealousy. “She was just being nice, Kou,” Keiji assured. “She kept smiling at you!” Koutarou replied with an irritated voice, though Keiji sensed the tinge of embarrassment. They made up quickly. They always did. The small alleyway was where Koutarou kissed him passionately, for he couldn’t wait until they got home. He was too eager, he was too in love.
Now there was nothing– no fruits picked together, no petty fights, no passionate kisses hidden from the world. Now there were no new memories at all.
Keiji tried his best to tunnel his vision to stop himself from seeing those places and looking back at what once was. As he was about to cross the street, the light from a large bulletin board caught his attention. He looked up at the advertisement, and there he was. Koutarou was smiling confidently, brightly, donning his professional league uniform. It was an advertisement for their upcoming match, a major and anticipated one. Keiji examined the volleyball player’s features. He gained more muscle. He got a new haircut , he observed. His eyes then wandered across his face. He was smiling so brightly. Koutarou often faked his smiles because he wanted to raise the spirits of those around him, even when he was in low spirits himself. The world didn’t know this about Koutarou. He confided this only to Keiji one night when he felt vulnerable. Since then, Keiji observed his smiles and soon began to figure out when his smile was genuine or not, and he was always right in his guesses. Now, staring at this bulletin board before him, he can tell that this smile was definitely real. The way his mouth curved upward, the way his eyes were almost closed shut, the way his whole body showed how happy he was– it was all too natural. This might even be the happiest Koutarou has ever been, Keiji thought. The energy he radiated passed through the screen and Keiji felt it to his bones. It made him shudder. Koutarou was definitely happy with every ounce of his being.
Of course, Koutarou won’t be coming home again tonight. It has become a normal occurrence, yet the absence of his warmth in bed is something Keiji will never get used to. Every night, he badly wished that the love of his life would be there for him, but he knew he couldn’t ask for something so grand. Keiji knew that Koutarou was out there, being an amazing pro league volleyball player. He was out there, shining brightly.
During cold nights, Keiji curled up in bed, hugging himself to sleep. There were times when his tears accompanied him until he fell into slumber, and there were times when he was much too numb to feel anything at all. It was all the norm for Keiji.
This night however, he was more restless than usual, and sleep didn’t come upon him though he was exhausted from his work. His mind was a mess; his thoughts were in knots, and he was afraid to untangle what these thoughts held. Though at the back of his mind, Keiji already knew what he wanted. He just didn’t want to admit it, even to himself.
3:04 am. Keiji couldn’t help but stare at the hands on his bedside clock as they slowly ticked on.
3:05 am . He was fiddling with his fingers again.
3:06 am . The restlessness was seeping in once more, keeping him awake.
3:07 am. The bulletin board came across his mind once more. He thought of Koutarou’s smile. It made Keiji’s heart ache.
Should I really end it? Keiji thought to himself as he stared at the ceiling.
It wasn’t as if it was a sudden decision. Keiji had been contemplating the state of their relationship for months now, and ultimately, he realized that he was no longer happy in it. The love they shared had already faded, and both had fallen out of love. It was not because of the physical distance. An emotional distance had also grown. Both had eventually stopped trying to make things work. Koutarou didn’t call like he used to when he was out of town. Keiji had stopped waiting for those calls.
One last chance to back out, Keiji, he thought.
You want this. You need this. Do it for yourself, Keiji. Another voice in his head revealed itself, pushing him on. He was convinced it was the part of himself that knew what was best for him and his own well-being.
With a solid determination, Keiji got up and walked over to his desk. It surprised him that he wasn’t dragging his feet given the gravity of this decision. He seated himself, closed his eyes, and breathed out. Once he had calmed himself down, he got a pen and a few sheets of paper. As he stared at the blank piece of paper in front of him, the words that he wanted to say disappeared from his mind. He realized what he was about to do, and suddenly he got scared. Usually, words came naturally to Keiji when he wrote. However, his mind can't seem to piece together sentences when it comes to breaking up with his lover. It wasn’t easy to think about what to write when ending a long-term relationship.
Then, as if the universe was encouraging him, thoughts of their relationship popped up in his mind. Thoughts of how neglected he felt, how lonely his days have become, how empty it all started to make him feel. His heart ached and tears fell upon the clean paper. It was too much for him to bear. With that, he finally knew what to write. The heaviness he felt in his chest worked its way to his fingertips, as each word he wrote was like a dagger to his heart. He felt as if he was dragging the strokes of each letter. Yet he carried on, determined to finally word out the thoughts that lingered on his mind overdue.
4:17 am . A mess of crumpled papers were spread across the desk surrounding a sheet with the neatest handwriting. Keiji finally finished writing what had been on his mind for months. He held the piece of paper that kept him up all night. The piece of paper that will end 4 years of a fallen relationship. Strangely, he started to feel unwelcome in this apartment.
7:43 am. He looked back one last time at their apartment which now lacked Keiji’s belongings. It now lacked what made the apartment theirs.
Keiji felt liberated, as if a huge weight was lifted from his chest. It was a strange feeling, yet he realized that it was something he yearned for so long. He walked out of the apartment complex with his belongings. He looked up at the sun shining through the trees lining the path where he walked. It’s a beautiful day for a walk , Keiji thought.
The letter he left on the bed which they once shared was folded neatly, awaiting for Koutarou’s return.
“Kou,
When I first saw you playing when we were middle school, I stared at you in awe. You might not even remember that day, but to me it was a special day. It was the day I decided I wanted to go to Fukurodani. It was the day a love for volleyball sparked within me. It was the day I first fell in love.
I’m sure you’ve felt it, but it seems like our love has reached its end. Our differences have become too stark. Our paths have diverged, you and I.
You were my star, and you shone brightly. Now you shine too brightly, and for that, words can’t encapsulate how much I’m proud of you. I’m overjoyed that you’re out there achieving your dreams, and that you’re truly happy doing what you love most.
But I don’t think I can be a part of your world anymore. I don’t think I can stand to be where you don’t see me.
I hope you keep doing your best. Please always take care of yourself.
You will be my star forever.
All my love,
Keiji”