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“I bet it was hard to get through it.” one of the guests, almost the same height as his, who identified himself as Jihoon, continues, while they remain condensed on the quieter part of the party.
Chan lets out a smile, gaze passing in between the arc formed by the three men in front of him (one in white tux on the left, other in beige with a red bow tie completing the look in the middle, and that in the brown suit on the right) that he has been talking to for quite a while now.
“Well, it is.” Chan affirms, stare still rooted on the fine man in a dirty yellow single-vented top, paired with pleated pants on the same hue, and black cap toe shoes, serenading the crowd with his ever angelic voice.
“But… How?” another asks, making Chan shift his eye position towards the tallest (and arguably the most attractive) within the circle. “I mean, it’s been a decade, bro. Compared to ours, your situation was the most enduring.” The two others nod in agreement.
Chan moves his look down, then returns a wistful one on his favorite spot on the whole venue once again and sighs.
“Simple.” Chan iterates, leaving the others clueless.
“I accepted that being friends was the best option because that way, whatever we have will remain as is.” he says, eyes now shifting among the guests he had clinging to his share of the cli ché trope that many are hooked: the unrequited and bottled up romantic love for one’s best friend.
Up until now, Chan can never understand the reason why.
Probably, it seems so interesting to actually have a non-platonic desire towards someone so precious to you with all the tension and possible pining that might transpire between two people who know each other the best among anyone else.
Indeed, for Chan, it was such a dream too… That no matter how much he resented the ridiculous risk of losing someone who became your partner in anything because of stepping beyond an invisible line in this type of ship, he always held the inevitable and unexplainable wanting to have that joyous-ever-after with his best friend.
Even though Joshua has decided to take Chan’s subtle (and that time, confused response) way of declining his heart on their flight back to Bangkok after they caught the former’s father, housing a woman in Phuket.
Even after Joshua has shown Chan that he can be true to his word and have the latter witness him fall for someone else.
Even if Chan had to watch Joshua cry a river over the men he only dated and loved after being left behind and cheated on.
Even amidst the fact that Chan was obviously the moon to Joshua’s sky and the cherry to his top.
And after he saw his supposed shot with Joshua crumpling…
“You still stayed!” an exclaiming remark from Chan’s near right brought his back to his reverie.
Chan showed a sly smile.
“Of course, he did. Just like how the three of us agreed that this was the safest zone that we can be in.” The man in Chan’s exact front responded confidently, making the contagious arc on his mouth be adapted by him, with his mind zoning out in the midst of affirming and contradicting what has just been spilled, as Chan’s mind brought him back to the very reason why he is actually where he is now…
Of course, how can he forget?
He is Joshua’s best friend.
His hand to hold when no one else’s will.
The very person he can run through when everything goes wrong.
And the only individual Joshua wants to keep with him for the rest of his life.
A lifetime buddy, but never the chosen one to promise eternity with .
More than the safe option, for Chan, it was a role he was meant to fulfill. The gap that was designed for him by Joshua to have. A piece that if displaced, can never be replaced by anyone else, no matter how Joshua tried to find another.
And there, the exact reason why Chan never chose to step nor jump against the boundary that has been set since they were in 10th grade.
And is probably the same stance Joshua lived through, in coherence to Chan’s supposed plan for the linkage they have.
“And maybe after all, that is the only thing we can hold on to.” The chinky eyed one standing on Chan’s near right side, Junhui, brings up, eyes watered and pinned to a farther place inside the venue. “Rather than a safe guarded disposition, it is just the only thing that we can hold on to because that’s where we should belong.”
The three others (including Chan) let out heavy sighs, as if the earth is being carried upon their shoulders.
The atmosphere became heavier and quieter as seconds passed, but Mingyu (Chan now recalls the name) seems to not want them to feel the weight of whatever they are currently carrying.
“Cheers to the love we can’t have, men!” he chants, and not so long after, all their beer mugs are raised above their heads, an amount of the drinks almost wetting their suits. Luckily, each of their holds does not contain much of what it can.
Chan then lets out a chuckle as he is once again thrown back to a realization in relation to what he just figured out. He did not want the thoughts to once again linger on his mind but after drinking half of it, his senses went straight up working instantly.
He kind of brought his lashes together, as the memory of what has been was triggered by Jihoon’s “But until when do we actually keep hoping on something that from the very beginning, can never be ours?”
Junhui responded, voice laced with sadness. “Like this beer mug’s capacity, we can only take what we can, Jihoon. And the rest? It pours out, until the liquid subsides. If left exposed and ignored for a few more moments, only a small amount stays. Until it gets stuck on that and yeah, it goes on for a while.”
Case in point, Chan’s love for Joshua, Chan’s mind speaks through him.
“And when it goes down to the last phase Junhui mentions, does that end with that? Probably yes, maybe no. None of us can tell. Only time, Jihoon, and the person we’ve always wanted to give out the undying flow of affection we think they deserve.” Mingyu adds up, making Jihoon bite his lower lip while giving little nods, like that of a kid.
“How about you, Chan? What can you say about this?” Jihoon now places him on the hot seat.
He then responded with widened eyes, still grasping the proper words to explain how his thoughts were pointed out by the other two.
Chan paused for a second and gulped, hanging still with Jihoon’s remark that brought them to what their topic is now.
“Rough, exhausting, and tiring, that’s how we can put it into a summary, honestly.” Chan begins, finally picking the precise descriptives for them.
“As time goes on, if I were to find another metaphorical analogy, the fire dies down without us even knowing. Once a blow was given, the flame is at the risk of vanishing. There may be many attempts of doing so, yet, if we come to think of it, each was never enough to fully defeat the hot and burning ember.” Chan conveys, praying that he was able to give a well-versed statement to them whilst simultaneously trying to suppress his aching mate on the left side of his chest.
“But you see, once a huge blow or touch of the wind occurs, it disappears, regardless if it was intended or not.” Chan finishes, as the images of his 19, 20, and 21 year-old self carrying the sorrow and living in regret flashed on his mind.
Years may have passed and he may have healed, the insane number of what ifs and what could have beens with Joshua still visits him. That the supposed “everything” that Joshua’s directing to Seokmin, his alleged greatest love, was actually meant for Chan to receive.
From the very beginning, he was Joshua’s choice. The first person Joshua offered his heart with. But Chan, at that time, was never sure of anything, but his feelings for him.
He was eaten by the fears of losing him in the process of building himself.
Chan knew they were still young to engage in such commitments. They have personal issues to mend. Other priorities that needed to be paid attention too.
“The probability of parting was high…” he always consoles himself.
But as years went through, and the dire number of times he saw Joshua slapped on his face how down bad he is for Seokmin (instances include Joshua following Seokmin wherever country he goes to assure that Seokmin is not doing any monkey business with another woman, is content of the bare minimum assurance being given by his boyfriend, and even stayed after being cheated on), Chan thought that the possibility of ending up with his best friend was never low too.
Because at the back of his mind, even though his fears ate him up alive the day he felt that Joshua wanted more of what they already have, the bold and ready to give it all Chan was co-existing.
However, in the process of trying to show Joshua that it is him who was there from the very beginning, it was already too late for him to try as his gaze is already redirected towards another target.
“Eventually, matchsticks or whatever possible light renderer exists.” Chan proceeds. “It relives the lost spark, but on a lower stall.” Chan smiled weakly, still in the flashbacking bubble.
Chan’s hope may have went up when they went to Singapore (where they discovered that Seokmin slept with a woman he had a thing with prior to Joshua’s) and cleared things out between him and Joshua (as they promised to meet in a Wat Pho and start anew), it was still not enough to make Joshua choose him fully, for the second time around.
Right when Joshua decided to dump him on that Buddhist temple and told him that Seokmin asked for another chance, Chan already knew that it was already over and it was high time to end the chapter and scribble another with someone whom he can share the writing with.
“That is why just like that, if it is tried to lit up again, the holder gets smaller, and the chance of not being able to hold the flare any longer increases.” Chan iterates, gaze following the owner of a seeking one on the stage.
Like what expected of himself, the torn and broken Chan started opening his doors to anyone who would like to, though he knew it would not be a piece of cake because as he closes his eyes, pictures of another one overlaps.
It was as if the ghost of his abandoned feelings kept on haunting him. Like his conscience is reminding him of a mistake he should be held accountable of. The ashes of the urn that he thought was already put in place scattered.
A long while was taken before he finally came to accept that amidst whatever took place, the receptacle of his heart will never be dethroned, thus he remained contained in the walking memory of Joshua, while ironically feeling free with and from it.
“And see how lifeless and useless a candle looks when it is not made use following its supposed function, right? For some, since it is used as a temporary source of light, it can already be thrown away. But for others, it can be used to create another of its type once more.” Chan finishes, making one of the three men in front of him sniff, startling him.
Not so long after, he felt arms enveloped around him, taking him aback.
“It must be a tough fight for you, Chan. Ten years? I can never endure that much!” Junhui taps his right shoulder, wiping that tear that fell from his left eye using his index finger.
“Chan, you deserve so much. It was truly a ride for you.” Jihoon says, Mingyu pats his left shoulder.
Chan lets out an amused laugh to ease the blues of the three.
“Stop masking your sadness, Chan! We know how harsh fate has been to you. If no one has mentioned this yet, you have had a great fight.” Mingyu adds, making their embrace tighter and Chan ran out of breath.
Chan scoffed and returned the warmth being given by the dudes. He felt like even though he just met them, they completely comprehended the same agony.
“But what actually happened after it, Chan? Are you okay now?” Jihoon withdraws and looks at Chan with concern.
“Have you found someone other than him?” Mingyu also inquires after leaving Chan’s body free from his hold. Junhui, on the other hand, stayed beside Chan without his arms on the other’s shoulder.
“Hmm, well ― ” Chan was then interrupted by the sudden approaching of a familiar figure. The three noticed the sudden stop on Chan’s speech as someone waved at him from the crowd.
Chan’s lips became ajar, stirring the curiosity in their eyes.
“Joshua ―” Chan called, earning him to be surrounded by a hug once again, now incredibly tighter than the first one, almost making Chan’s flesh leave his body with only its skeletal structure.
“What are you guys doing?” Chan wiggles his body to escape from them but they just gripped on him more.
“We are protecting you, bud. Seeing him would make you feel worse.” Mingyu, with an assuring voice answered.
“It is for the better, Chan. You have to finally let yourself go from him.” Jihoon retorts, rubbing his back gently.
“I feel for you, Chan. I just do not want you to get hurt further.” Junhui says while springing on his arm.
Soft giggles from the man watching the happening from behind are heard. Chan’s brows furrows, as if signaling help from him.
Chan received an upward curve on the lips of the latter, before he spoke in a calm yet authoritative manner. “I’ll be waiting for you over our seats in front, nu .” Joshua mentioned, sexily flashing a grin, with a piercing look thrown against Chan, and walked away from the three.
The other three were left dumbfounded and confused upon hearing the sentence, resulting in them loosening their hold from Chan. The latter, in turn, fixed his already crumpled suit.
He then halted for three pairs of eyes looking at him, questioning.
“W-what?” Chan asks, welcoming each of their stares at him.
Chan exhaled a hefty amount of air, and showed a small smile.
“Like what I was just about to say a while ago, a candle that was once deemed out of use may still be used to create another. By then, a sturdier type can be produced, and a renewed flame can be taken care of. The winds may be stronger and a lot disastrous, but I guess, as long as a light bearer exists and the value of the candle is seen, the flame will continue burning.” Chan closes the discourse, as he recalls how Joshua knocked on his door at 3 AM on a Sunday dawn, professing his love for him, immediately kneeling with a ring on his hand.
“Chan, this may be late, but I love you. Only you. Every man who came after? They were all just picked for me to fill the void that I wanted you to be in. Just one chance, Chan. I would like to prove myself to you. That I am worthy, and my intentions are pure. I know I have caused too many bruises but I would want to take accountability and be there to heal them with you. Seven months away from you was total torture, Chan. Adding more feels like I’m living in a fantasy that has never been.”
“I want to finally live the reality with you, my love. With you and no one else. Just this once, allow me to make up and give you the affection and care I think you should receive through my own means and ways that I can.”
It may look like a simple gesture to others, but for Chan, it was one of the sweetest. And from that, he knew that it was only Joshua, and none after him, even after everything.
“I hope you all will all be given the love that you deserve and a story that will go the same way as mine, brothers.” Chan taps each of their left shoulders. “Because just like me, you all totally deserve it.” He gave a reassuring and comforting smile to them.
“I had fun with you all. I am hoping for the best for each of you. I’ll get going now.” Chan excused himself after raising his beer mug and left the circle in all quietness.
As Chan turned his back away from them, he saw the only subject that occupied his mind and heart holding the microphone while dancing and singing crazily to a rock arrangement of Can't Help Falling In Love by Elvis Presley.
Chan simpered and was hit by that thought.
It was indeed a walk for and through him. There were times when he almost gave up before he even reached the end. Moments when he was asking if he fits to live on dreaming for an unrequited love to meet. Periods of thinking if it is actually right to demand more from the divine being.
But then Chan realized that no matter how taxing taking that parade was, as long as the end would still lead him to Joshua, it would always be worth finishing for.
“To my Baby, I love you!” Joshua says, pointing his right index finger on Chan.
Chan let out a laugh and whispered, just enough for Joshua to read, “I love you, Baby.”
Since then, until then.