Chapter Text
It was simply just a fact that ever since Remus Lupin had met Sirius Black on the Hogwarts Express, he’d fallen head over heels for the boy. Of course, he hadn’t told anybody that. Though, Lily had her suspicions. And no matter how many times Remus knocked them down, she still insisted. Eventually, she stopped persisting after some stern words from Remus. Yet, she still gave him certain looks here and there during his interactions with Sirius, and it seemed James and Peter had begun to as well.
But Remus knew that he and Sirius would never be together. Sirius just didn’t like boys like that. And Remus knew that even if he did, Sirius wouldn't go for a boy like him. All of the girls Sirius dated - or more so snogged at Gryffindor parties - were all outgoing and energetic. Remus was the opposite of that. He was quiet, and he found happiness in meaningful quotes and rainy days, from wearing clothes straight after they’d come off the radiator. The little things, simplistic delights. Sirius just wasn’t like that. He couldn’t settle if he wasn’t constantly on the move, constantly doing or saying something. Remus wanted a quiet future, one with no adventure or constant excitement. He knew that it would practically be torture for Sirius when he wanted to go for a ride somewhere spontaneous one Sunday, but Remus wanted to sit on the sofa and read a book.
Therefore, they’d never work. So, Remus didn’t feed into the fantasy. Of course, he was in a constant state of yearning. It physically hurt his heart when Sirius gave him that signature lopsided smile and looked into his eyes. But Remus didn’t stay up at night, thinking of the what-ifs. Imagining glimpses into the future, where he braids Sirius’ hair as he sits in front of him as they watch cheesy rom-coms. Or Sirius forcing Remus into wearing matching pyjamas with him at Christmas time. No, Remus didn’t let himself drown in an ocean of Sirius-based what-ifs. Instead, he sucked it up and acknowledged the truth. Remus Lupin and Sirius Black would never, ever be a thing.
“You okay, Loops?” James asked Remus as he walked into their dormitory, removing his tie from around his neck.
“Yeah. You?” Remus asked, not making an effort to look up from the book he was half-reading. He was having a hard time concentrating, as he usually did when a full moon was coming up.
“Always. How’re your muscles doing?”
“Sore. Hurts to move.” Remus always ached before a transformation. It was as if his bones were bracing themselves to break.
The boys, that being James, Sirius and Peter always did their best to look after Remus when a full moon was coming up. And during a full moon. And after. They supported him as much as they could, which usually concluded with them leaving him to be alone, as Remus claimed that their “screechy, high-pitched voices made him want to scrape his eyes out”. So, James and the boys spent most of their time in the common room playing muggle games with Lily and the girls to pass the time.
“Anything I can do for you, mate?” James asked his friend. “Some chocolate would be nice-”
Before Remus could even finish his sentence, the door swung open.
“Did someone say chocolate?” There, Sirius stood with an extremely bright grin on his face, two chocolate frogs in hand.Peter stood behind him carrying so many chocolaty foods - mousses and cakes and all - that if he didn’t put them down somewhere in the next fifteen seconds he was bound to drop them all over the floor.
Remus gave the group a sleepy, appreciative smile from where he was laying in his bed. “Cheers, lads. Much appreciated. If you would just drop them on the end of the bed there.”
“Anything for you, moonpie.” Sirius said, dropping them on the end of Remus’ bed, except for one chocolate heart. “Open up,” he said, holding it in front of Remus’ face. Remus did, trying not to blush when Sirius’ hand reached forward towards his face. “Good. Now, you try to sleep. We’ll clear out the room for you.”
“Thanks. You’re the best.” Remus mumbled, his eyes closed, moments away from slumber.
“I know I am.” Sirius grinned. Remus’ face scrunched.
“No. I meant ‘you’ as in plural. As in all of you are the best.”
“Whatever you say, Moony.” Sirius teased. “Whatever you say.”
“Oi! We all know I’m the favourite.” James started. “Isn’t that right, Moony?”
“Piss off, all of you.” Remus said, half smiling, half asleep.
The three cleared out of the room, walking down to the Gryffindor common room where Lily, Mary, and Marlene sat over a pack of muggle cards.
“How is he?” Lily asked the boys as they sat around the table.
“Tired.” James responded shortly. The boys had convinced the girls that Remus had ‘mid-month sickness’. That for an unexplainable reason, Remus fell ill in the middle of the month. They pretended it had something to do with the pressure of the air. Every time the girls went to question these far-fetched claims, they were met with deadly stares from the boys. So, at some point, they collectively decided to keep their mouths shut. The girls nodded and went back to their cards. Lily re-shuffled them, dealing the boys into the game.
MULTIPLE DAYS LATER…
It happened last night.
Remus sat on his bed, his fingers resting on his mouth in disbelief.
James and Peter stared at him, sorrow flooding their eyes.
Sirius was nowhere to be found.
Silence filled the room for minutes, maybe hours. Remus didn’t know. Remus didn’t care enough to give it any thought. He didn’t have any room in his mind for thoughts at that moment in time, frozen in shock.
“Moony?” James whispered carefully.
Remus looked up, barely able to make the boy out due to tear-filled eyes that threatened to drop, but just couldn’t seem to.
“Why would he do this, James?” Remus asked, so low it was barely a whisper.
“I couldn’t tell you, mate.” James replied sympathetically.
James walked over to where Remus sat and fell down beside him. He rubbed Remus’ back in a comforting manner, as he began to tremble beside him. Peter stood against the wall, his arms crossed and eyes filled with anger and betrayal.
Remus physically and emotionally ached everywhere. His body, shattered and broken by the wolf. Deep scratch wounds covering him. But his heart ached in pain, it pulled as if every time he let himself think about the situation, somebody yanked on his heartstrings and tightened them, leaving only pain in Remus’ chest. He shook, feeling as if he needed to burst, needed to scream, needed to let everything out until nothing remained. He felt like the wolf, confused and aggravated and prepared to strike at anything that dared to come in his way.
A few minutes later, loud, desperate footsteps could be heard marching up the stairs towards the dormitory. James and Peter immediately made their way towards the door. The handle turned from the outside to open, but James and Peter pushed it closed.
“James? James, let me see him.” Sirius’ muffled voice ordered through the door.
“Go away.” James responded sternly, cautious of Remus in the room and trying not to add to his stress. Remus didn’t think he’d ever seen James look so violent, so aggressive. Remus himself was almost scared of James’ current state.
“James-” the door pushed harder.
James swung the door open, walked out, and slammed it behind him. Remus and Peter could still hear their muffled voices.
“Fuck off mate, yeah?” the boys heard James say. “None of us want to even look at you right now. Honestly, I’m only staying calm for him, and you’re lucky for it. Because if I could, I’d fucking blow your head off right now, Sirius. And I’m not playing around.”
There weren‘t any more sounds uttered for at least twenty seconds, James’ harsh words lingering in the air.
“Okay,” the two boys in the room heard Sirius whisper, quietly, heartbreak lacing his tone.
Good. Remus thought.
James walked back into the dormitory a few moments later, aggression visible in his eyes. He and Peter shared a look of understanding, and James focused his attention back on Remus.
“He won’t come near you, Remus.” James said, one of the few times he’d ever used Remus’ given name. “I can promise you that. We won’t let him.”
Remus nodded, and the tears that threatened to spill finally fell. Peter walked over too, holding Remus on the other side of James. The two boys held onto him for a while, letting Remus’ emotions be released. Remus questioned how someone so close to him could do that. How Sirius knew he could have potentially ruined his life forever, yet took that risk anyways, with no thought of Remus’ safety in his mind. Clearly Sirius didn’t care for Remus as much as Remus did for him. This wasn’t a little joke or something to be laughed at. This was life or death, and the situation had become so close to being the latter.
How could he ever forgive him? All the love that Remus had ever felt for Sirius was gone, tarnished, and all that remained was deep, deep darkness.
Remus vowed that night, sitting there in his two best friends’ arms, that he hated Sirius Black. And that he would hate the boy until the day he died.