Archive of Our Own

The Met ball is thriving; you’re on your third champagne, watching in awe from just inside the entrance of the main room. Everyone from actors and actresses to models and fashion designers are parading around the red carpet, the very epitome of style. The flashing of hundreds of photographs being simultaneously taken is dizzying. It feels like being stuck in an old TV set playing only static.

Austin had messaged you earlier to say he would meet you inside once he was done on the red carpet.

You can't help but feel nervous while you wait for him. You grab a fistful of your dress and try to harness some confidence from the extravagant fabric. This year’s theme is Celestial Bodies and the dress you’re wearing is pure gold; a dazzling creation of lace, beads and sparkle designed to encapsulate a shooting star. You’ve never once seen yourself look so glamorous, like someone that could belong here among the real stars of big screens and glossy magazines. You feel like an imposter, so very far out of your comfort zone.

A myriad of frantic shouts snap you out of your thoughts and you look over to see who it is that’s causing all the commotion.

Of course. Austin has just started his walk down the red carpet and the photographers are in a frenzy at the chance of getting a shot of the rising star. Anxiety bubbles in your chest at the thought of being face to face with him in just a few minutes.

He looks incredible. Jet black suit with silver accents, silk shirt unbuttoned dangerously low, an expanse of tanned skin on display. You know next to nothing of fashion but you’d spoken to him just before he went for the fitting and he’d told you it was Prada that had the pleasure of dressing him tonight. Not that it mattered, they could have fashioned him a suit from a burlap sack and you’d still be thinking goddamn, he’s beautiful.

You’d had the most amazing opportunity to work alongside Austin on his latest movie, with a hugely prolific director and a star-studded cast. It was tipped to finally be your big break after years of toiling away at small screen projects.

Austin and you had clicked right off the bat and the director was staggered by your natural chemistry during screen tests. Throughout filming, you’d struck up a surprisingly close friendship; choosing to spend time together outside of working hours in coffee shops and karaoke bars, visiting the set to cheer on each other’s scenes during days off, running lines in your trailers way after the sun had set.

You hadn’t intended to be completely blindsided by unrequited feelings. Nonetheless, they crept up on you. Snowballing with every smile and each casual touch, all the late nights spent together watching old movies. Until one day you woke up and he was your very first thought and you just knew; it was there, settled like a stone in the pit of your stomach.

You were in love with him. 

It’s not like you’d ever held out much hope that it wasn’t one-sided, but Austin had just gotten out of a long-term relationship which ended badly, swearing off anything new for the foreseeable future.

You had spoken about it one night when he seemed uncharacteristically pensive, pouring himself a few too many glasses of wine. Having moved on to deeper topics of conversation, you’d tentatively asked about the breakup, giving him an opening to talk about what was so obviously on his mind. It was devastating to see him break down. Brushing away his tears, you’d held him as he shuddered against your chest, listening to him confess that he didn’t think he could ever go through that heartache again. You began to distance yourself after that, pushing your feelings aside. He was too important to you to risk messing things up.

You’re transfixed now as he moves gracefully through each section of demanding photographers, allowing them to direct him this way and that to get their perfect shot.

Sometimes he raises a slightly trembling hand to his lips or to run through his hair. A sign of his shyness and, even now, discomfort at being the focal point of so much attention.

Eventually, he makes it past the main bulk of cameras and glances your way. He spots you watching by the doors and a genuine, toothy grin splits his face causing his cheekbones to pop.

“You made it!” He sounds so happy to see you; like you’re his favourite person in the world. A bittersweet knot tangles in your stomach. You should have stayed home.  But you’d received an invite along with a good portion of the cast and crew and Austin had begged you to come, saying that he didn’t want to go without you. And even though it was through your own doing, you hadn’t seen him in so long. You missed just being around him.

“I said I’d come didn’t I?” There’s a slight smudge to your words, the champagne finally getting to you.

Austin’s face manages to form a frown and a fond smile at the same time, a single dimple emerging just above his lip. “Are you drunk?”

“No! Well, maybe a little tipsy. It’s overwhelming. I’ve never been to one of these things before. I was nervous I wouldn’t fit in.”

He chuckles, his eyes wandering to take all of you in. You feel self-conscious suddenly; the idea that your appearance will be scrutinised by every celebrity gossip site come tomorrow is daunting but it’s his opinion of you that holds so much weight. Too much weight, always.

“You look spectacular.” He steps closer and brushes aside a wispy curl from your face, leaving a trail of tingling static where his fingers stray behind your ear. He’s effortlessly tactile and it never fails to leave you breathless.

Austin’s entire face is a wonder to behold but you have your favourite parts. His lips, rose petal pink and so plush, topped with a perfectly sculpted Cupid’s bow and worthy of their own Dali sofa - move over, Mae West.

And those damn freckles; there’s a cluster dotted across his cheekbone on the left side of his face. You’ve been captivated by them since you first met.

“We match.” You breathe out, gesturing down to your dress and then focussing back on his face. “Tonight, I’m supposed to be a star. And you already have a constellation.”

He looks endearingly confused and so you reach up to help him understand, fingertips ghosting along the freckles on his cheek. You connect them with one finger like a dot-to-dot as if fashioning a yet undiscovered group of stars for people to worship.

A shy smile tugs at the corner of his full lips beneath your palm. “I do?”

You nod, in a daze. “Like Cassiopeia flipped upside down. Though hopefully, you’re less vain than she was.”

He laughs at that. You can’t believe how brazen you’re being tonight. Most of the time when you’re with him you’re trying your utmost to filter every word and action but the champagne has lowered your inhibitions. It feels like your control is slipping. 

“I should hope you know me well enough by now to make your mind up on that, sweetheart,” he drawls, that slight Southern accent creeping in, still not quite shaken off from years in character.

There’s a swoop low in your stomach and the world tilts for a moment as if reaching closer to the sun. He is so beautiful and you’re bewitched. 

You open your mouth to reply but the spell breaks.

One of the event workers taps Austin on the shoulder, “Mr Butler, I’m so sorry to interrupt. Someone is asking for you inside.”

Austin’s long fingers come up to cover your own where they’re still pressed against his cheek. He threads his and yours together and gently brings your hand down, leaving it to rest on his stubbled chin. 

“I’m so sorry, it shouldn't take too long. I’ll come find you after.” He smooths his lips against your wrist, somehow managing to look up at you from underneath his lashes though he’s half a foot taller. “God, I’ve missed you.”

As you watch him being ushered through a curtained-off section of the room, you can’t help but wonder what just happened. You figured out pretty early on that Austin’s love language is touch; his warm hands on your shoulders or ruffling your hair, long, drawn-out hugs when you haven’t seen each other for a while and he’s not ready to let go.

Tonight feels different, more intimate somehow. That one graze of his lips on the inside of your wrist has completely blown the lid off of Pandora’s box, your feelings for him spilling free like secrets stolen by the breeze.

⁺˚*･༓☾　　☽༓･*˚⁺

Admittedly, once again you feel a little like a boat adrift at sea without Austin by your side. You meander through the large room, trying to locate someone that you know from the movie to avoid wandering pathetically like an untethered soul. 

Your salvation arrives in the form of a small palm coming to rest on your shoulder and an excited squeal of your name. 

“I can’t believe you came! It’s so good to see you.” Olivia pulls you into a frenzied hug and then steps back to look you over. You haven’t seen her since the press tour wrapped but it feels like no time has passed at all as she fires questions at you with her usual vigour. “This dress! It’s to die for. Who’s the designer? Did you come alone?”

“Hi Olivia,” you smile, relieved to have bumped into her. “Thank you, it’s Versace. And no, I’m here with Austin but he’s just been pulled away for a second. He’ll be back soon.”

“Oh, I’ve missed you both so much. Baz has already found our table. Some of the other guys have arrived too. Do you want to join us instead of waiting here?” She squeezes you affectionately and gives you a knowing smile. It’s no secret that you’ve always had a hard time with big events and Olivia was your emergency safety blanket whenever Austin wasn’t around. You appreciate how she’s still looking after you now. “Come on. Austin will find us later, it’ll be nice to catch up.”

Without waiting for an answer, she clasps your hand in hers and shepherds you over to a large table where you can see a throng of people from the cast and crew. 

“Look who I found!” Olivia announces. Your arrival causes a flurry of welcome hugs. 

Baz holds you the tightest. “My little star! You look amazing, darling.”

“Thanks, Baz. You look pretty good yourself, I guess,” you tease, noting the sparkle in his eyes as you take in his bedazzled suit. 

“Ah, I’ve missed your wit. I thought Aus would be with you. Where’s our boy tonight?”

Our boy. Baz directs the question at you so casually, as a father would to the spouse of their son. 

“Apparently he had to go and meet someone but he should be back soon.” Olivia chimes in, settling down next to you and handing you a fresh champagne flute. 

You eye the fizzing glass apprehensively. “I’ve had so many of these already, I don’t know if it’s such a good idea.”

“Nonsense!” Baz cries, clinking his glass betwixt yours and Olivia’s. “I think we’ve all earned a little celebration after three years of hard work.”

And so the next half hour passes by in a pleasant whirl of chatting, drinking and laughing. You finally begin to relax around the people that have become like a second family to you and the nerves ease off. There’s only the niggle of unease for Austin’s whereabouts left by the time Baz nudges you. 

“There he is, our superstar.”

Austin has finally reappeared. Although, with a sinking feeling, you note that he’s not alone. There’s a stunning woman on his arm. Winsomely petite, with glossy mermaid-length hair and the most exquisite dress which hugs her body so perfectly that you instantly feel inferior despite all the compliments you’ve received tonight. It dawns on you when you can finally see her face that it’s Austin’s ex-girlfriend, the aforementioned destroyer of his heart.

You watch her place a hand on his neck and raise on her tiptoes to kiss his slightly parted lips before walking away. Austin almost looks nervous, head ducked and eyebrows drawn as he scans the room. You watch as he rubs a hand over his lips. It’s like seeing the wreckage of a car crash; you can’t seem to look away.

Dear fucking God. You knew it would hurt emotionally when the inevitable came and he found someone else but nothing in the world could prepare you for the physical reaction. It feels as though your heart has torn itself apart in the cavern of your chest. The room suddenly feels like it’s closing in. 

Olivia grabs your shaking hand, bringing you back to yourself. Your face, seconds ago drained of colour, flushes furiously. She gives you a sad smile before she looks over to Baz. The same knowing look is in his eyes and he presses a comforting shoulder into yours. 

“He appears to be looking for someone. I assume it’s you, sweet,” Baz says, sympathetically. 

You pale rapidly once again in panic, knowing you can’t face him yet. You feel embarrassed at your reaction. He’s not yours to feel possessive over and yet a cocktail of jealousy, guilt and rejection swirl lethally in your stomach.

Before Austin can spot you, Olivia pulls you up. “When he comes over, tell him we’ve gone to the ladies’ room.” 

She ushers you quickly to the other side of the room, breezing past the bathrooms and out through a back exit. It smells like smoke and city air. A few people are dotted around chatting and laughing, the ends of their cigarettes lighting up like fireflies. The breeze hits you, cooling the sheen of tackiness on your skin. 

“Are you all right?” Olivia’s tentative voice is the only thing stopping you from spiralling. 

“Fine,” you say, emptily. Your heart is sinking to your feet. Her eyes narrow like she wants to press but doesn’t know how to do so without being indelicate. 

“It’s just…” She trails off, choosing her next words carefully. “Well, it's obvious that we all have a great relationship with each other. After working together for so long, it feels more like a family. But I couldn’t help but notice that things were always…different. With you and Austin, I mean.”

“Different?” You ask, nervous at where this is going. 

“You two were always so intense. It was hard to be around sometimes,” she bites her lip, unsure. “I mean, I always assumed it was because something was going on?”

“No.” It comes out airy and wounded. You’re instantly mortified. How obvious must you have been for her to think something was going on? Tears prick at the corners of your eyes. “No, nothing. We’re just friends.”

“Ok. You’re ok.” Olivia soothes, pulling you into a hug when she notices you starting to panic. She speaks again after you’ve calmed down slightly. “You don’t have to answer. But can I ask you something?”

You nod hesitantly, not trusting your voice. 

“Are you in love with him?”

You can’t answer. If she had asked you earlier after Austin had ignited that little spark of hope within you, you might have been excited to say yes; to finally allow yourself to feel the giddiness of all those girls in teen movies when their crush hints at liking them back. 

Instead, you nod again, a single defiant tear slipping down your cheek. You wipe it away, furious at yourself.

“I’m so sorry,” Olivia pulls a tissue from her handbag and presses it into your palm. “For how long?”

How long? You’ve known him just over three years and yet it feels like you’ve loved him for eternity; life separated into the pale hues of before Austin and the wondrous technicolour of after Austin.

Yet, you can’t help but think about that night he’d broken down over his past relationship. You never want to witness him in that state again and you know you have to be the supportive friend and continue to keep your feelings locked away so he can be happy. 

“It doesn’t matter now,” you say, voice shaking. You steel your resolve. “I know how much he loves her and how devastated he was when they broke up. I’m happy for him if he has that back. I have to be.”

⁺˚*･༓☾　　☽༓･*˚⁺

“There you are!” Austin rises from his seat where he’s chatting with Baz as soon as his eyes find you. “I was beginning to think you’d left.”

He wraps an arm around you and pulls you into his side, his hand settling in the dip of your waist with a squeeze. His long fingers spread across your ribcage and you fight to remain neutral to his touch, focussing equal parts on not flinching away and not melting into it. You manage a slight upturn of your lips and shake your head. “No, just needed to freshen up a little.”

“You look pretty great to me,” he murmurs, idly rubbing his thumb along the side seam of your dress. 

You go rigid, mind going into overdrive. This is going to be so much harder than you thought. Stupid, tactile boy with his stupidly large hands. 

Next to you, Olivia clears her throat. She’s balancing a tray of fresh champagne-filled glasses that she swiped from the bar and tapping her heel on the glossy marble floor. “Oh don’t mind me. I just haven’t seen you in months, Austin.”

“Oh! Here let me take those so I can give you a hug,” Austin palms the tray effortlessly in one hand and sets it on the table before turning to her, arms outstretched. “Bring it in.”

Olivia rolls her eyes and folds herself into him. You and Austin may have become inseparable from your time working on the movie but she and Austin are undeniably close as well.

“I missed you, Butler. Though not half as much as I missed my girl,” Olivia says, voice muffled by the folds of Austin’s jacket. “It’s nice to have the gang back together.”

You find yourself pulled into an awkward three-way hug, Austin claiming you once again.

“It sure is. My two best girls.” He curls into you and nuzzles his warm cheek into your hair. You freeze when you feel his palm caress your hip, it’s like a searing heat spreads through you at the contact. There’s a whooshing in your ears and it’s too much suddenly. You were already hyper-aware of him to begin with but now it’s heightened. You feel both exhilarated and confused. Hurt over seeing him with his ex and so, so guilty for enjoying the feel of his hands on you so much. You disentangle yourself and plaster on a false grin, willing it to appear genuine. Austin lets you go with a bewildered look. 

“Too hot,” you lie, with a manic bubble of laughter. 

“Yeah…I guess it’s pretty warm in here,” he says drily, eyeing the wide-open doors that are letting in a cool breeze. He looks like he’s about to say something else, brows furrowed to form an adorable line between them. 

You barrel on before he can get a word in, grabbing the nearest champagne glass. “Baz, I thought you said we were due a celebration?”

“We are, dear,” Baz eyes you worriedly, having watched your bizarre display. You pay it no mind. If you’re going to get through this night with Austin - with Austin’s ex somewhere in the room - and without having a meltdown, you need some liquid courage. Surplus to what you already have, that is. 

“Then let’s celebrate!” You urge everyone to take a glass and pretty soon hear the tentative clinks of cheers.

Austin is the last on the uptake, gingerly picking up a glass. His eyes follow you as you manoeuvre around the table and take the furthest empty seat from his. He seems perplexed at your behaviour and a little hurt that you’re brushing him off so easily. As he flops down next to Olivia, he gives you a smile that doesn’t quite reach the blue of his eyes.

It's for the best, you think. Though you can’t help the gnawing feeling that you’re making everything worse.

⁺˚*･༓☾　　☽༓･*˚⁺

Avoiding Austin becomes intrinsic as the night draws on and the drinks keep flowing. It’s easier to stay away from him than to risk his addictive embraces and lingering touches. You know that they don’t mean the same thing to him as they do to you. Even so, the outline of his lips is still scorched into your wrist, the sensation of his long fingers still playing symphonies on your ribs. It’s so much more difficult to switch off your feelings now that you’ve had a taste.

I just need to make it through tonight. You’re repeating it in your head like a mantra when Austin looks to you for your input on whatever he’s saying. You’ve completely zoned out with no clue as to what the topic of conversation is.  

“Um…” You flounder, aware that all eyes at the table are on you. “Sorry, what? I didn’t catch that last part, too much champagne.” A nervous chuckle punctuates your obvious lie. 

Austin looks crestfallen, “I was just saying that a friend of mine is having an after-party. Her place is nearby and she wants to know who can make it.”

A friend of mine. There’s no doubt in your mind that he’s talking about his ex. You swallow down the bitterness.

“Well, I’m in. As you already know,” Baz announces, swallowing the bubbly dregs of his drink. “Olivia, Cathy and Mick too, so far.”

It’s the perfect opportunity to get yourself out of this agonising situation. The smart thing to do is to go home and weep into a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, seek wisdom in the cookie dough chunks as to what the hell you’re going to do about your progressively more complicated friendship with Austin. 

And yet you find yourself feigning happiness once again. “Sure, why not?”

Olivia is visibly shocked that you’ve agreed to go but manages to school her features in time so no one notices. Baz looks like there's an upcoming scene he’s not looking forward to seeing play out. And Austin…well Austin looks at you like you’ve hung the stars.

“That’s my girl,” that lovable smile beams through the miserable expression he’s been sporting, reinforced by an adorable wink aimed your way. 

The group begins to pile into various cars not ten minutes later. Austin ends up wedged in the backseat between you and Mick, one of the production assistants, much to your dismay. Normally the feel of your knees brushing together would cause a flurry of butterflies in your stomach and you would pull Austin’s arm to rest across your shoulders, nestle into him so he has more room to stretch his long limbs. As it goes, you find yourself trying to weld yourself to the car door, muscles screaming with tension as you fight to keep even a shred of space between your bodies. 

Naturally, he notices. “Are you ok?”

“Fine,” the lie comes surprisingly easily. “Why do you ask?”

“Well for one, if you get any closer to that door I’m afraid you’ll fall out. C’mere.” He slides you across the leather seat, wrapping you up underneath his arm. His head rests softly against yours and you’re flooded with the feel and scent of him. You’ve ended up exactly where you tried so hard to avoid being.

Still, you can’t resist snuggling into him, his woody cologne mixed with whatever citrusy soap he’s used is intoxicating.

“Better?” He asks sweetly, tipping his chin down towards you so his deep voice reverberates against your skin.

“Mhm,” you squeak, heart jackhammering. He starts to play with a strand of your hair where it falls over your bare shoulder while he’s talking to Mick and it’s maddeningly wonderful. You allow yourself to enjoy this one wildly inappropriate interaction, feeling yourself loosening further beneath the attention of his hands as you watch the city blur by.

“We’re not too far now, it’s just up this hill.”

And just like that, your bubble of relaxation pops as you crest the hill and the stylishly modern house comes into view. Because of course, he knows exactly where the house is. He probably lived here once, probably picked out the curtains you can see hanging in the top bedroom and spent summer days lounging by the pool with his ex, her bikini-clad body draped over his.

The car pulls to a stop in the expansive driveway and you jump out while the engine is still running. Austin follows suit, hurrying to keep up with you. “Someone is ready to party.”

“Oh, you know me.” Another fake grin. “I’m always ready to party.”

Except he does know you and you’ve bonded over the fact that you’re both very much wallflowers when it comes to parties. His brows crash together again. “You hate parties.”

“Not tonight,” you saunter up the steps to the open front door where you can see scores of people packing in, leaving Austin off balance and trying to keep up once more. 

⁺˚*･༓☾　　☽༓･*˚⁺

As it turns out, hiding away is not quite so hard when you’re in a house this big. There are endless rooms everywhere you turn; a door opening to unveil a room lined with wall-to-wall bookshelves, another one opening to a room that’s dwarfed by a colossal grand piano and even one that reveals a fully kitted-out gym. 

You’re in the library currently. It appears to be the only room that’s not overcrowded with a mass of sweaty, drunk bodies. Here, the thundering bass of the music is dampened to a low hum that’s vibrating through the floor and you feel like you can breathe a little easier. Austin was right when he said you hated parties. 

Although, it’s not just your dislike for them that has you locking yourself away. You had been tipsily searching for Austin earlier, opening more of those many doors, when you’d stumbled upon the two of them.

Austin and her. Huddled alone in one of the dimly lit bedrooms. 

You had been pleasantly buzzed after one too many shots with Olivia, the speakers had started blaring the opening chords of Austin’s favourite song when something had come loose in your chest. Why were you avoiding him when you could be dancing with him?

You had to find him. It was silly, keeping yourself away from him when you’d feel so much better tangled together on the makeshift dance floor; when you could feel his pulse flutter under your fingertips, run your hands through his artfully dishevelled hair as you moved to the music. 

You’d tried a few rooms before one helpful partygoer pointed you in the right direction. And there they were, sat on the bed together and leaning towards each other in a way that only comes with the ease of knowing each other intimately. 

Austin had heard you open the door and looked up before rushing to catch you just as you were turning to leave.

“Hey,” his dark honied voice was tinged with amusement, of all things. “You look a little drunker than when I saw you last. Everything ok?”

“Why do you keep asking me that?” Your words had been laced with irritation and bitterness. How could he be so oblivious to what it had done to you when you saw them together?

He’d been momentarily taken aback, caught off guard by the venom in your voice. You had never fought before. 

“Maybe because you’ve been acting weird all night,” he’d said defensively. “I’ve barely seen you since we got here.”

“I’m surprised you’ve had the time to notice,” you scoffed, pushing away from the doorframe. You’d only swayed slightly but he’d reached out to steady you by the elbow anyway, looking genuinely concerned, and you were starting to soften to him. Yet, you could still see her over his shoulder, waiting patiently on the edge of the bed for him to return to her, legs crisscrossed. 

“What does that even mean? What’s with you tonight?” More confusion had seeped into his voice.

You’d tore your elbow from his grip then, aware that you were acting like a petulant child but unable to stop. “Nothing that concerns you.”

You can’t unsee the flash of hurt that crossed his face before it went completely blank. A muscle ticked in his jaw but when he spoke again his words were soft, “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you’re worrying me. I need to finish something here, but I’ll come find you after and we can talk or I can take you home, ok?”

I’ll come find you after, he’d said. And you couldn’t help it, even after being so wretched to him without explanation, he’d been gracious enough to extend an olive branch and you wanted nothing more than to incinerate it. “I’ve heard that before. I’ll pass, thanks.”

He’d been so staggered by your hostility that he didn’t have a chance to react as you tore down the stairs in search of somewhere to escape to.

And so now you find yourself shut away in the library, slowly perusing the book-lined walls and trying to let your frustration and embarrassment dissipate. You pick up a vintage Raymond Carver out of habit. It’s one of Austin’s favourites and you spitefully squash it back in its place next to a battered copy of Little Women. Not helpful. 

Fingers trailing over the spines, you look for something you can use as a distraction. There’s an annoyingly cute loveseat underneath the window that you want to curl up in and push what just happened out of your mind. 

As you finally land on something promising, you hear Baz shout from the hallway. “Austin, wait!” 

Footsteps barrel past the door, followed in quick succession by the sound of someone trying to keep up.

Anxiety knits itself into your chest, it sounds like Baz is worried and even though you’re fresh out of a fight, you can’t help but stress over if Austin is ok. Your feet are carrying you through the door before you’re even consciously aware.

Baz has just rounded the corner at the end of the hallway, still chasing after Austin, when you exit the library. You tread lightly, not wanting your presence to be known just yet. Following silently, you spy them through the doorway of yet another room in this maze of a house and hold back, unseen. 

Austin looks terrible. He’s agitatedly pushing his shirtsleeves up to his elbows, you can see his jacket slung haphazardly over the back of a chair where he’s just shucked it off and he’s worrying a hole into the plush carpet. You’re about to go to him and apologise for your fight, wrap your arms around him and then murder whoever has made him look so sad. Something in the way he’s acting makes you pause though. It’s reminiscent of the night all that time ago and you don’t think you have the strength right now to offer comfort if he’s upset about her again.

“Aus, you need to calm down,” Baz’s level voice seems to break through to him for an instant but it doesn’t hold.

Austin crumbles into the chair and drops his head in his hands. 

“I can’t…I just. It’s so hard to be around her, Baz. To be so fucking in love with her but know that I can't have her.” His hands are fisted in his hair now, fingers raking through the messy strands. You watch his heaving chest. “I can’t do it anymore. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong. What I can do to even begin to fix this.”

“Hey, hey. Stop.” Baz crouches before him and coaxes Austin’s hands down, gripping them between his own, likely in an attempt to prevent him from hurting himself. You can see them still shaking, knuckles white where he’s clinging to Baz like a life raft. “Listen to me, Aus. It’s all going to work out, I promise you. That girl is madly in love with you.”

So it is about her.

“She’s not,” he spits. “I messed it all up, somehow. It…Baz, don’t you understand? It’s killing me.”

“Oh, Aus. Come here,” Baz begins to reach out but Austin is already falling into him, openly sobbing. “I promise it will be ok. We’ll figure this out.”

Austin raises his glassy eyes to meet Baz’s with a sniffle. “I just need to talk to her, to make things right. I can’t lose her.”

At his words and the anguish that you can see on his face, bile slithers up your throat. This boy that you’re so irrevocably in love with is splintering apart - crying over someone else - and you think, it’s killing me too.

You have every intention to turn and run, you shouldn’t be hearing this. But it’s the car crash all over again and your feet won’t move. 

“We’ve been looking for you everywhere!” Mick’s voice hollers loudly across the hallway and you turn wide-eyed and horrified. You pray, plead and bargain with every God that Austin doesn’t hear him and realise you’re standing just outside the door, listening to him fall apart. 

Though, if you ever possessed any form of luck at all, it’s been swallowed up by this disastrous night. Of course, he’s heard. 

Austin now stands silently, one hand braced on the door frame and bathed in the soft glow of lamplight, looking utterly wrecked. There are tear tracks down his face, his glazed blue eyes are boring right into your own and despite the direct eye contact, you can’t for the life of you decipher his expression. It shutters through too many emotions too fast; misery, guilt and shame all warring for their place. Neither of you say anything.

Mick shoots you a questioning look, totally oblivious to Austin’s presence. “What’s wrong?” 

It’s evident that he’s had a lot more to drink since you were dancing with him and Olivia earlier because he doesn’t even pause for an answer before slurring on. “You’re missing all the fun, y’know? Olivia has more shots!”

When you don’t say anything, Mick finally seems to understand that he’s walked into the middle of something tense. He catches sight of Austin and his eyes widen. “Woah. You ok, man?”

You’re frozen to the spot; a foolish wanderer into Medusa’s lair, Austin’s inscrutable stare pinning you in place. You feel awful for eavesdropping on such a private conversation, “I-I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Austin breaks his hold on you, his eyes flickering over to Mick and you thunder down the hallway,  grasping your chance to get as far away from the situation as you can. 

⁺˚*･༓☾　　☽༓･*˚⁺

You feel stone-cold sober, the chill of the early morning hour coaxing goosebumps across your skin as you sit outside and contemplate what to do next. The obvious answer is to leave but you don’t want everything left so unresolved with Austin. You didn’t think it was possible to be so mad at him and have so much empathy for him at the same time; you feel like a contradiction, both wanting him for yourself and wanting him to be happy. 

You labour over it, whether to go back inside and face him or whether to turn tail and go back to the comfort of your own home.

The patio chair next to you scrapes over the floor, yanking you out of your musings. A man dressed head to toe in bright pink plops down into the chair. He looks only mildly drunk in comparison to some of the people you’ve seen tonight. “Is this seat taken?”

“You’ve kind of already sat,” you say, finding his boldness oddly charming. “So I guess it doesn’t matter even if it was.”

A wry smile perches on his lips, “I guess not. Although, if you’re saving it for someone, I can move just over there to the pool loungers?” He starts to get up, making a show of looking forlorn.

“It’s fine,” you laugh, despite your sour mood. “You can sit. Trust me, no one is coming.”

“So hospitable,” he pulls a cigarette out of his pocket, crosses one leg over the other and lounges back in the chair. “Do you mind?”

You shake your head, “As long as you don’t blow the smoke my way, we should be ok.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” He introduces himself as Daniel and a mischievous spark appears in his eyes. “Now, tell me. Why is a girl as lovely as you, who is wearing a dress as stunning as that, all alone out here when there’s a party inside?”

You ponder how to answer and decide there’s no harm in opening up to a stranger. “Contemplating a potentially life-altering decision and the music inside is too loud to think.”

He laughs then, tipping his head back and blowing smoke into the air. “I see. And what is this life-altering decision? Anything I can help with?”

“Doubtful,” you snort. “Unrequited love. Are you any good with matters of the heart?”

“Afraid not. But I’m familiar with your situation,” he reaches over with his free hand and places it over yours, leaning in close. “I’m head over heels for a straight guy, so I’m not the best person to take romantic advice from. But whoever this person is, they’d be crazy not to love you back.”

You smile at him, the first genuine one you’ve managed in hours. That is until you hear someone clearing their throat behind you and your heart jolts. Austin’s voice follows, the coldest you’ve ever heard it. “What’s going on here?”

“Austin.” You whirl round to see him stood with his hands balled into fists at his sides, jaw set. He’s staring at Daniel with a murderous expression. He won’t look at you, not even when you call his name again. “Austin, what are you doing?”

He doesn’t answer, instead, his eyes move to glare at your hand that’s still wrapped in the other man’s.

“I thought you said no one was coming?” Daniel asks you cheekily, inhaling another drag of his cigarette without letting go of your hand. “I see I’m intruding after all. Austin, is it?”

You watch Austin’s eyes flit back to his face and narrow dangerously. You’ve never seen him look so furious. “Take your hand off her.”

Daniel chuckles good-naturedly, finally letting you go and hopping up from the chair. “Glad I could keep the seat warm for you, Austin. And, darling?” He looks over to you now with a smirk, “Good luck with your decision. I think it’ll work out just fine.” 

You’re unable to speak, so shocked at what’s just happened. As you watch him walk away you’re struck by a tidal wave of humiliation at Austin’s actions. Daniel is the first person in hours who’s been able to get you to smile and take your mind off things and Austin had been so rude to him.

“Who was he?” Austin’s words are cutting, designed to maim but he’s still not looking at you. “Potential new boyfriend?”

He’s so far off the mark that it almost makes you laugh. Your anger inevitably wins out though, filling you with adrenaline. You stand and plant yourself right in front of him, trying to get him to meet your eyes.

“You don't get to do that.” You can't believe his audacity; not an hour ago he’d been cosying up in a bedroom with his ex-girlfriend and now he’s acting…well, you don’t know for sure but it seems a lot like he’s jealous. You can't keep up.

“I don’t?” his voice is the icy wind of a winter morning. He finally looks at you and his eyes are just as glacial.  

“Absolutely not! What were you even trying to do?” The blatant confusion in your voice must outweigh the simmering rage because he looks stunned that you don’t understand. 

“You’ve spent the whole night treating me like a pariah and fighting with me and now you’re asking me what I’m doing?” He begins to pace in front of you, words spilling out so fast they start to blend together. “You either run away from me or ignore me entirely. Now I find you out here flirting with some stranger.’

“I was not flirting!”

‘Sure could have fooled me.”

‘I’m not doing this with you.” He’s making you feel crazy. “I’m leaving.”

“There you go again, running away.” The rising volume of his voice makes you go cold. “I came out here to apologise, to talk things out. If you would just listen-”

He’s not making any sense and you’re so tired of fighting. “Go ahead! I’m all ears, Butler. Please, help me to understand what that ridiculous display just was.”

He stops short at that and his whole body deflates, the deep sorrow from earlier reclaiming his eyes. His words, when they come, are timid and guilt-ridden. “I didn’t like it, ok?”

“Didn’t like what?” This conversation is giving you a headache.

“Seeing you with someone else.” 

What? The cacophony of noise from the party seems to swell to an ear-splitting volume and then stop altogether. You want to scream in frustration but something has a vice-like grip on your lungs. “I don’t- Austin, what are you saying?”

Perfect white teeth sink into the plumpness of his bottom lip. He looks ashamed. “I’m sorry. I just- it was driving me crazy watching you with him when you don’t even seem to want me near you. And after the scene upstairs. I was - fuck - I was jealous, all right? And I know I have no right-”

In an instant, you’re livid. Every moment of torture you’ve endured tonight to save your friendship replays like a movie reel in your head; the torment of keeping him at arm's length, having to see him heartbroken again over someone else, fighting with him when your fragile composure snapped.

“You’re damn right you don’t! Do you have any idea what I’ve been through tonight?”

“What you’ve been through? How could I? You’ve done everything you can to avoid being within ten fucking feet of me!” You’ve never heard him properly shout in reality, only ever on screen. The wrongness of it coming from him sends a zipping fear down your spine and you flinch.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” He drags his hands down his face, regaining his self-control and takes a step towards you. “I’m sorry. I just- I want to know why?”

No. No, no, no. 

“Austin…don’t ask me that.” Your voice is paper thin, eyes filling up as exhaustion overwhelms you. You hold yourself close as if by doing so you can stop everything from leaking out like an oil slick that will devastate anything in its path. “Everything will change. You’ll hate me.”

He’s over to you in an instant, strong arms encompassing your small frame. Your own arms are still pressed tight around yourself but you let your head fall to his shoulder.

“Sweetheart, you’re not making any sense. How could I possibly hate you?”

You scrunch your eyes closed and whisper the words into the skin of his chest. “Haven’t you figured it out yet?”

“Just tell me what’s wrong,” he coos, lips brushing the shell of your ear. “I can’t stand fighting with you.”

Shivers erupt from the base of your spine. “It will ruin everything, Austin.”

“Nothing could ever do that.” His voice is silky-smooth honey seeping into you. Two large hands run soothing patterns across your back. “Please, just tell me.”

You feel your resolve slipping; this is the very reason you’ve kept yourself away from him.

“I…it’s hard for me too.” You swallow the lump back down your throat. “To see you with someone else.”

Austin goes eerily still. You don’t dare look up at him. Instead, your eyes are shut painfully tight and you press yourself further into him to quell the embarrassment as you finally pour your heart out in the bracket of his arms. “I know you still love her, Aus. I’ve seen you together. And I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I’ve tried so hard to stay away from you. I thought if I could just - I don’t know - make it through tonight, that I could work on being just your friend. But I- I don’t think that I can.”

Hot tears spring from your pinched eyes, you feel them soaking into his silk shirt. He’s barely breathed and still hasn’t uttered a word.

And then you feel his lungs expand beneath you and a wounded sound releases from his throat. “Oh, baby. No. You’ve got this all wrong.”

Your heart stutters at the pet name. “I don’t- I saw you kiss her. You were just in a bedroom with her, Austin.” 

He starts to laugh and a spike of hurt goes through you. You try to extract yourself from him, feeling humiliated after putting everything out there. “What could possibly be funny right now?” 

“Nothing! Please don’t leave again.” His big hands move up to cradle the space where your shoulders meet your neck, fingers threaded through the hair at your nape. You shudder when his thumbs begin to trace your exposed collarbones as he continues. “It’s just that we suck at communication, you know?”

He leans in and looks up at you again with eyes so blue. You don’t know what to say, aren’t sure you can even begin to make sense of the meaning behind his words, let alone reply.

“She kissed me, at the Met. She asked to see me because she still has feelings for me and wanted us to try again,” he cups your face in his hands when he feels you start to pull away again. “But I came to this party to make things clear.”

Your heart begins to thump so hard in your chest that you’re sure he can hear it. “Make what clear?”

His face is so close now that you can feel the words more than you can hear them. Austin swallows thickly and your eyes follow the motion of his Adam’s apple as it bobs in his throat. “That I’m in love with someone else.”

“Austin…” You’re light-headed, starting to sway further into him. You grip the sides of his shirt just for something to keep you standing. “But earlier with Baz, when you said you couldn’t have her..?”

“Honey, I was talking about you.” His voice is hushed. “It’s always been you. I’ve been in love with you pretty much since we first met. I just didn’t think you felt the same so I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“That can’t be true,” your head is spinning. You can’t allow yourself to believe that he’s felt the same way all this time. “You’re in love with me?”

“Is that so hard to believe?” One hand trails down to pull you in at the waist as he tips your head back with the other; you’re hyper-aware of all the places where your bodies are touching. It feels like the entire universe has been reduced to just you and him and this moment. Mesmerised, you watch his tongue dart out to swipe across his bottom lip before his teeth sink in to worry at the skin; he's breathing shallowly against you. “Can I kiss you?”

You search his face to make sure he’s serious, still feeling as though you’re in a daydream and looking up at him through someone else’s eyes. You want him so bad it’s like an ache and here he is, offering himself over to you with such open vulnerability. You feel yourself nodding, dazed.

Austin takes it slow, hovering his lips just over yours so you can feel every inhale and exhale ghost across your skin. His hand is shaking where it’s wound around your waist and something about that makes your heart squeeze. He has you suspended like that for what feels like an age, leaving you breathing wantonly into his open mouth in anticipation of feeling it finally pressed against yours.

Just when you feel like you can’t take it anymore, his eyes flutter closed prettily and the whisper of a gap between your lips is gone. 

You feel like every fibre of your being is set alight; every movement, every sensation, heightened in pleasure to an almost painful degree. All at once, you melt into him, hands coming up to tangle in his hair, pulling him impossibly closer to you. It’s a million times more than you had ever let yourself fantasise. 

He’s soft, so soft. You gasp as his tongue runs along the seam of your lips, pressing into the heat of your mouth and then sliding against yours. He lets a sinful moan escape at the contact, causing a burning heat to ignite low in your stomach and spread down your thighs. It’s the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard and it renders you boneless. 

It carries on like that, his lips and tongue working hotly against yours and stealing your moans into his own mouth. You have no idea how long you’ve been kissing him, the sun might have risen for all you know and you’d remain blissfully unaware. You never want to stop. 

Austin tightens his hold on you, all but holding you up as he moves to press slow, open-mouthed kisses over your jaw. You sigh with each one, unable to hold back your sounds of pleasure. Finally, he stops to rest his forehead against the pulse point in your neck, panting. 

Cradling his head against your chest, you thread your fingers between the strands of his hair, lightly scratching your nails over his scalp. He shivers under your touch, breath hitching. You’re both wound together so tightly, that you can feel his heart pounding in tandem with your own. 

After a minute, his lips land on your collarbone, one sweet, delicate kiss and then he pulls back enough to look at your face. 

You’re both still breathing heavily but the frenzy has calmed enough for you to speak. 

“I’ve never been kissed like that before,” you exhale shakily, pressing your thumb into the softness of his plump top lip and then to run over his Cupid’s bow. 

“Like what?” Austin’s blue puppy-dog eyes search yours, worried he’s done something wrong. It’s adorable.

You can’t help a breathless giggle at how ridiculous it will sound. “Like you’ll die if you stop.”

“It does kinda feel like that, huh?” He chuckles, finally having caught his breath. You nod, feeling a sappy smile take over your face at the sight of his mussed-up hair and kiss-swollen mouth. “I never want to go another day without kissing you.”

“Neither do I,” you whisper. Austin's eyes are as bright as his smile when he leans in until he's all you can see. At the lazy brush of his lips against yours, you let your lids slide closed. 

Everything feels calm and golden, the stars aligning as you kiss beneath them.