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Maybe Clamor finds joy in the boy's refreshing presence, breaking what used to be countless hours of solitude with questions about his work or just to play with him and ease his boredom after a long day of study.
Maybe it was because he was secretly lonely, and scholars like him are living things too, so naturally living things need company.
Or maybe he found the kid's sudden appearance fascinating— because after all, who wouldn't be curious if a stranger wandered into your dormitory claiming to be looking for someone else yet never leaving to go search for them? It's not like he ever really told Clamor about how he ended up here of all places and he never felt it was his place to ask. The boy's cheerful smile was all that was needed to assure that Clamor would never pry anyways.
But that's all that Noah was, happy. He found it almost unbelievable that his cheeks hadn't melted off from the permanent smile that seemed to be plastered onto his face.
And he was more than happy to indulge the child's natural curiosity of the world. Were all children like this? He was never really around kids that often so he didn't have a baseline to begin with. Perhaps that's why it took Clamor so long to notice that something was off. He just assumed as people got older they naturally got sadder. That didn't seem to be the case for Noah, who would always so kindly bring him coffee and snacks whenever he has to stay up late to make an assignment or study for an important exam (Whoever raised him to be such a generous, caring person really deserves a praise. But of course, the boy does too, and he doesn't hesitate to let him know that he's grateful).
Clamor could see the moon in his bright eyes every time he looked into them. He had also assumed that the brilliant crescents were always present even if he wasn't looking. But it completely slipped his mind that even the lunar goddess would not always illuminate the night sky.
His first hint was how Noah would often skip whole meals in favor of sleeping in. When confronted, he'd wave his hand in dismissal and say that he studied too hard the previous night and was making up for lost sleep. Clamor hesitantly let that one go, because it's not like he has proof of otherwise.
Maybe he really enjoyed studying.
It's understandable, but he couldn't help worrying for the kid. It takes him a while longer for his ears to identify the quiet sobs coming from the locked bedroom door. It was such a foreign sound to him that he had almost believed it to be due to him being a half-elf that he was unable to hear properly. But that was unfortunately not the case, and he learns soon enough that those cries are real and not some figment of his imagination that seemed to coincide with Noah's eerie joy.
He doesn't know how to approach the elephant in the room, as Noah was blissfully unaware of Clamor's extensive knowledge of how the young boy would often have to muffle his crying if they were ever to leak in the middle of the night as to not wake Clamor up.
Whatever grief was plaguing his companion, Clamor decides, he made it his goal to find out in the end. If it would make Noah all the more happy, then he'll do it.
Clamor blinks himself back to reality, jolting awake at the realization of bright eyes and a small hand waving in his face.
"Are you alright, hyung?"
"...Yes, sorry. What were you saying?"
Noah beams as he points to a diagram in his book, "Can you tell me about the constellations again?" As if Clamor wasn't just staring off into space like an idiot.
He recovers himself quickly as he answers with a quick head nod. Upon hearing his answer, the boy pulls up a chair beside him and plops himself down, leaning on the table to rest his hands on his chin as if hearing about the stars was the most fascinating fairytale in the world, nevermind that Noah has heard it about a million times already.
Perhaps it is. Clamor can't deny that the universe intrigues him as well. But there's something so wholesome about Noah wanting to learn everything about the cosmos, soaking up endless amounts of information that would overwhelm even the most studious of scholars. He had once told Clamor that he wished to be a star in the night sky. Did that mean that he wanted freedom? To be able to touch the sky, dance in the rays of the moon, and be free of any mortal boundaries? He vaguely recalls reading a book with a character who had similar goals. Oh, he was getting sidetracked again. Maybe some fresh air would help clear his mind.
"Actually," Clamor starts, watching as Noah perks up with interest, "let's go stargazing. I can point out the constellations for you."
The boy grins and gets up to grab their telescope, in which Clamor doesn't hesitate to help him with. They set up a small observatory site outside (complete with warm blankets and pillows), where the single hazy band of the galaxy spilled out onto the sky.
As Clamor settles onto the grass and Noah takes a seat next to him, he begins pointing out the stars. Polaris is over here, you can identify it easily because it barely moves as the rest of the stars do. There's Orion, you can tell if you're going east or west by paying attention to the star on his belt, Mintaka, and where it rises and sets. He starts getting into astrology, the stories of the stars, and the significance that each star held. It would be useful for later when he teaches Noah the more advanced celestial magic where he would have to resonate with those constellations to utilize their attributes.
Noah takes all of this in, following along with the chart in his book, making the occasional comment about how fascinating it all is. After he had just finished pointing out where the constellation Ursa Minor was, Noah speaks. "Clamor, do you ever wonder what it would be like to land on a star?"
He takes a moment to think. "Apart from burning alive in its atmosphere?"
"You know what I mean! Imagine you're invincible. I wonder what you'd see."
"Well, the sun is only a main sequence star and it's already so bright. So I doubt you'll be able to open your eyes at even bigger stars."
The boy seems to consider this for a moment as he hugs his knees, eyes gazing longingly at the sparkle of sky above. For a moment, he looks tired. It's as if he were on some distant planet in a faraway galaxy, forgotten and alone. Even when Clamor was right there next to him. He didn't look as carefree as Clamor was used to, as all kids his age should be. A pit grows in his stomach at the thought of this. If only he'd be none the wiser about the grief that Noah seems to keep locked up so tightly within the back of his mind, maybe he wouldn't notice these small details that confirm this suspicion.
And then, in a tiny voice he mumbles out, "I wish I were there."
Clamor lets his words sit for a while before answering. Maybe he was reading too into this and it turns out the boy was fine. But in the off chance that Noah was truly suffering from something he couldn't see, he wanted to be there for him. "Why?" A simple word should help start the conversation before Clamor drove into unknown territories.
"Because you look up at the stars and they're so bright, you look at them in admiration. I guess I want someone to look at me like that, too."
Such an odd wish. But Clamor supposes that everyone wanted to be admired and Noah was not elusive to that. Before he has a chance to speak, the boy interjects.
"I guess that's too selfish of me to want that."
"No," Clamor starts, his mouth running on autopilot upon hearing the starts of Noah's self-deprecating words, "it's not."
Noah snaps his attention to the half-elf as he continues.
"You're on the right track, but you should think broader than that. You deserve nothing less, after all."
It comes out as more of a lip service than Clamor wanted it to, but it will have to do for now. At least he's getting the kid to open up and talk about it. He waits for Noah's response, who has resorted to tracing arbitrary shapes into the grass with his finger. Among those, Clamor recognizes a star.
When there's no response, he tries a different approach. "You seem like a bright kid. What makes you think you don't deserve more than you're given?"
"I don't know," Comes the answer that Clamor was expecting. Then, "it's always been that way. Harque's done this, and Harque's done that. But what have I done? Nothing of importance."
"You were born. Isn't that enough to justify having the best of this world? Harque is your brother, right? Surely you've seen him work hard to get to where he is now." This was new, Clamor had never heard such self hate coming from Noah.
There was a moment's silence as Noah grabs angry fistfuls of grass to pull them out. It cuts the air with a sharp tang of nature as he sprinkles the remains of the grass around them as if they were stardust capable of healing a broken soul. "He's dead, Clamor. I wasn't able to save him. I ran like a coward."
For the first time in his life, he hears Noah's voice shake. A bolt of realization struck him at this, the thought of this young boy going through what he couldn't even begin to imagine. That he never told Clamor. It seemed too cruel that Noah still felt the obligation to smile, laugh, live on, all while believing that he didn't deserve to do any of those things. Never once did he ask Clamor for help despite the man having opened his arms ready to accept any baggage too heavy for the boy to shoulder alone. He felt terrible for that.
"I couldn't even stop my brother from being murdered. What good do I deserve?" He's full-on crying now, yet still refuses to acknowledge the bitter tears dripping down his chin. He's smiling. "To be honest, I'm pretty good at lying. Bet you couldn't tell until now, huh?"
And Clamor really couldn't. He couldn't pretend that he knew all along that Noah was only trying to drown his sadness by forcing himself to move on before he was ready, refusing to think about his past by focusing too hard on the present. If only he realized sooner. Maybe it wouldn't hurt as much then.
His own eyes were downcast as he mutters, "I'm sorry. I thought it was fine."
But it wasn't. No amount of denying can change that. And the evidence of this fact is seen in the boy whose eyes were filled with the same loneliness that the world had gifted him in some insane act of cruelty.
He wordlessly reaches out to drape a soft blanket over the both of them as Noah wipes trembling hands across his cheeks in a vain effort to stop the tears.
Then, in the gentlest voice he could manage, he speaks, "The moon isn't out today."
This prompts Noah to look up through teary eyes to confirm that yes, it was a new moon tonight. Even the heavens have left him, it seemed. But Clamor continues.
"I've noticed that you hold yourself to unreasonable expectations. What were you to do if your brother expected to die trying to protect you?"
Noah responds too easily. "Be strong enough to stop the attacker."
But Clamor could see right through the headstrong front that his words put up. And he pokes holes in Noah's argument just as he was adept at doing. "You couldn't have been strong enough. Not then."
"Because everyone always said I'd never be good enough. And they were right. If only I wasn't a cursed child who could only wish to follow in Harque's footsteps. If only—"
"What good will you do by living your life driven by 'if only's?"
The boy turns his gaze to Clamor, something like a mix of bewilderment and confusion painted on his face. He doesn't respond, so Clamor takes it as his cue to continue.
"If only you can change all that and live the life you wish you had, right? But what happens when you can't do those things? What if you can't magically become stronger or be as good as your brother?" Clamor reaches an arm around Noah to bring him in closer, upon seeing the boy shrink from what he assumed to be the cold night air. "You don't always have to live under the shadow of the moon. You can choose to light your own path, find a new sun to illuminate your new moon, for lack of a better term."
"But I'm scared." Comes the answer so simple and heavy. Of course Noah would be scared. He's a kid no older than seventeen and yet the world can't even afford to spare him a shred of sympathy and instead targeted all the areas that hurt the most. And for that, Clamor was afraid that he'd never forgive it.
He finds himself lost in the night sky again. And even on this night without the moon to guide them, the stars hung faithfully in the air, whispering words of encouragement to two wandering souls who walk the path of fate together. Clamor allows himself to gaze at the brilliant lights for a moment longer before pulling a pen from his pocket and taking Noah's constellation book, who gave it up without question.
It wasn't until Clamor started sketching into a blank page did the boy speak up about his antics. Clamor simply smiles. "I'm giving you a new constellation to learn. Make sure to study this one just as hard, too."
This prompts Noah to lean over and instantly flush red upon seeing the drawing. "Is... is that—"
"Yes," Clamor answers without even waiting for Noah to finish his sentence, "I'm not the best artist but I think I drew you pretty accurately."
There's no answer from the flustered boy and so he continues. "You said you wanted to be a star, didn't you? But then I told you to aim higher than that, so there you go. You're a whole constellation now, Noah. So now you don't have to be afraid to lose your way, you'll be able to rely on yourself for guidance! I'm pretty poetic, right?"
As Clamor looks over to Noah, he notices the boy crying again. But this time, he's not hiding. There was no turning the other way so that Clamor couldn't see his tears. Noah didn't bloody his lips from biting at them so hard in attempts to silence his cries. Their eyes meet for a split second before Noah buries himself into Clamor's robes and sobs out muffled tears. The scholar could only cradle him so close as they both shared each other's warmth and sorrows.
And into the night, the constellation of Stellar Caster winked a promise for the whole world to hear.
. . .
"How do your arms feel? Are you sore anywhere?"
Clamor blinks. He was still getting used to his new form, having been freed from his metal prison just earlier in the day. It was still all too surreal to him, from waking up again and seeing Noah's smile for the first time ever and his adamant declaration that he was going to get Clamor his body back, to realizing exactly what had happened once he did get his body back and the boy who had once doubted himself and his abilities so heavily had suddenly grown to be a wonderful magician of stars whose confidence rivalled even Clamor's.
No doubt that Noah had done something in that doorway to somehow travel back in time in order to learn magic. But from who? Who could have taken this boy in and nurtured him so beautifully to undo the insecurities he held? Half of him was proud of Noah's progress yet the other half was disappointed that it couldn't have been him to teach him and watch him grow.
He smiles as he snaps himself out of his train of thoughts. "I'm fine, thanks for worrying for me." Noah had gotten closer now and was holding one of his hands, lightly massaging the fingertips and tracing his own fingers on the palm of the hand. Clamor admits that he missed the feeling of physical touch and Noah's attention was more than enough to satiate that right now.
The boy grins as he intertwines their fingers. "Wanna see the stars with me?"
He wonders if the stars would look different in this form as well. Clamor agrees regardless.
Just for the record, the stars did in fact look the same as they always did. However, Clamor was not left much time to dwell on that as Noah had begun talking (he still has yet to get used to being dethroned as the resident chatterbox, not that he minded it at all, though).
"Hyung, what do you think it would be like to be a star?"
Clamor grows silent for a while as he wonders if Noah was looking for a less textbook answer, and finally settles on something in between. "I guess it would mean people can look up at you and make stories about you."
He's taken aback by Noah's stare, as if he had somehow grown another set of ears or something. He reaches up to the sides of his head. Nope, still two pointy ears right where they had always been.
Then, even more strangely, Noah laughs. It was a short and sweet laugh, yet it caught Clamor off guard so badly that he was tempted to check if the kid was sick or something.
"That's unexpected," Noah says, redirecting his focus back on a certain spot in the sky, "do you want people to make up stories about you?"
Again, Clamor wonders where he's going with this. Was it really so strange to want to be admired? He lets out a noncommittal hum as Noah pulls out a navy colored book adorned in gold and starts writing in it while he speaks.
"I have one to tell you, hyung. It's a story about a boy who falls in love with the light of the sun, and so he chases it and willingly gives the sun everything he could ever ask for."
"Oh, it sounds interesting. What's the story?"
Noah adopts a smug look on his face as he shrugs and says, "Who knows, the story is just beginning. Maybe when it ends, I'll tell you and it will become a legend that everyone will remember when they look up at the sky."
With that, he flips his book around to show Clamor what he had been doing. It wasn't writing like he had originally thought but a drawing— of him, specifically. In the old pages of the book, Noah's blue ink drawing of Clamor was beautifully nestled next to a worn-out fountain pen sketch of Noah (when he was younger, perhaps?).
"Look up there, hyung. Those clusters of stars make up the constellation Clamor, right next to the one of Stellar Caster. Together, our constellations can be Celestia, the star coasters!"
Clamor finds himself speechless yet again, following Noah's finger pointing to the sky, wondering how the boy could have grown to be so charismatic as opposed to the defeated and lost Noah he was seemingly just a few months ago. Regardless, Clamor heaves a sigh and smiles, reaching up to ruffle the deep navy hair of his companion.
And into the night, Clamor whispers a promise of their own little secret paradise for the whole world to hear.