Chapter Text
The amazing thing was how quiet it was outside. Not that he didn't expect it. But the sudden loud barks from Rat and the conversations of his friends were clouded, just like the bright light absorbed in the night was blurred. It was quiet and dark. One might say lonely.
He didn't want to sound like the depressing type but something about the atmosphere — when he was alone, while the others continued the noisy and cheerful stream while he was gone “getting water”— seemed desperate. It's like you came to a party and spent part of it in the kitchen while his friends in the background turned into a whisper.
His hair was still wet, and the ac that made his hair rustle made him shiver a little.
"Are you okay?" A voice coming from the speaker of the phone cut through the silence.
Bad wished Dream hadn't worried. He wanted him to stay there while the cold cooled his thoughts and burning cheeks.
"Of course!" Bad lied. "Anyways why’d you call for?”
Dream called him mid stream, wondering if he was okay because the brunette had seemed more tired? Than usual.
"Mmm..." The blonde mumbled, choosing his words. "I saw you on stream, you know?"
Bad swallowed. An unpleasant aftertaste settled on his tongue - he knew where this conversation was going.
"Didn’t Even know you still watched your friends stream since your never active" He chuckled, biting his lip nervously. He was glad that his face was not visible.
"Yes, I still watch you guys stream. But you know what I'm talking about."
Bad hated when Anyone in general started it. When the anyone gently pushed, until the brunette couldn’t keep it in any longer and spill well.didn't say exactly the cause of the problems.
“I know.. its just been rough"
Dream sighed.
Bad only tightened his grip on the soft fabric of the hoodie, tapping nervously with his foot. He still felt hot.
"Bad you know I can see when things get worse are you sure you’re okay?"
Bad gripped the fabric a little tighter. He knew it was getting worse. He felt it. Not that this is a big problem. It's just that there were too many strange ideas and thoughts today, there were too many words that should have remained unspoken.
swinging his leg nervously. The tips of his ears felt icy.
"But this is not a joke. It is not a joke to you." Dream spoke
The ghostly sense of relief immediately melted away.
"And its all for the stream skeppy doesn’t mean it" It was almost intimidating how Bad’s tone took on a cheeky note, even as a feeling of discomfort was growing inside him. The feeling of impropriety that grew throughout the stream.
"I-" The Dream sighed, choosing his words. Bad tightened his grip on the fabric of the hoodie once again. The office chair beneath him bit into his jeans. This conversation wasn’t like a normal one, in which Dream was giving advice, maybe a little angry about what Skeppy had said on the stream. It was more as if some terrible news was being delivered to him, as if incorrectly worded words could break him. He wasn't weak, he didn't need to be pitied, to be treated as a fragile creature made of glass.
Guilt stirred unpleasantly somewhere in his chest, wrapped around his heart.
Bad sighed, throwing his head back.
The stars weren't visible at least not from the window - and partially because they were drowned out by the light of the city.
"Today was just a bad day. You know I'm not- that things won't get so bad. I was just glad to finally talk to people and you know, there are so many people here and we talked and talked, and then and he just screwed up a little."
"Just get some rest, okay? You've done enough,You do content all the time,I've seen your schedule, don't even argue. You deserve a rest."
The brunette slowly released the fabric of the hoodie, his fingers twitching slightly in response from how tightly he gripped the poor garment. Dream was too kind. It was almost unfair.But he was too exhausted, but at the same time overwhelmed with the emotions that accumulated in him over this evening.
"Okay, I'll- I'll rest." Bad gently pushed off
"Good." Dream’s tone was colored with relief. Bad couldn't help but feel the bitter taste of a mixture of lies and guilt on his tongue. "Just rest. You deserve this. Trust me, it will help."
Bad bit his lip, trying to keep the chuckle from slipping from his lips. It will help. Help with what? 'So he stops talking?' Is the first thing that comes to mind. So that he would stop “clinging”to Skeppy, as if he could solve all the problems in the world with a wave of his hand?
In order not to try to turn your orientation into a joke, when thousands of clips were spreading, and Twitter was filled with memes about Skephalo dating allegations?
His chest burned, and his feelings burned in this flame, but his hands froze, his cheeks cooled, until the bright blush turned into a pale shade, reminiscent of the skin of the dead. He was cold, but hot at the same time.
He hated it.
"Thanks." He whispered, fearing that if he said it louder, he would break, Dream would hear tears on the other end.
"Be safe, everything will be fine." The other assured him again. "Don't worry. You know - first your mental health, and then the content. You can always call me, you know?"
Bad closed his eyes, trying to drive away the burning sensation in the corners of his eyes. He wanted to break down right there, to say that he talks too much without thinking that he knows how bad he is at expressing his feelings, that he is tired, that he wants to give up all this, but at the same time doesn't want to. That he loves his friends too much, that he loves making videos, that he loves studying films, that he loves it when Skeppy smiles at his jokes,That he seems to be ill, that it seems to him that he can no longer go on like this, but he cannot let go. That he will soon explode, that the leaks are already visible, that sometimes he wants to stop, but cannot.
Most likely it will look like an escape. But despite all his audacity and obstinacy, Bad still ran away, disappearing from Twitter, when thousands of tweets added up to a general negative picture, after another unsuccessful stream.
There were no stars to be seen, but if you closed your eyes, you could imagine the thousands of white dots.
Right as dream was going to speak
-call ended-
…
If you close your eyes, the stars were still shining overhead. But in the end it was a hoax.
The lie curled up unpleasantly inside, squeezing his lungs and making it harder for him to breathe. God, he was such a wreck. He was so fucked up.
He was already pathetic in his foolish attempts to express his crush. How he tried to be closer, how he never refused. He really looked like a puppy. But the puppies were cute, and you wanted to give love in return.
And yet he was a Grown man with a bunch of problems that he created for himself.
He felt himself suffocate.
But everything was fine.
If you close your eyes, the stars were still shining in the sky
But the stars - even those that were lies, have long been dead.
He cultivated love in himself, wrapping it around it with nervousness,bitter-tasting guilt, smiling at the flowers of recklessness, letting them guide him, coughing them up along with words that were too similar to the truth so that turning them into a funny joke would not hurt.
He had grown a garden, and now he was rotting in it, unable to burn everything in one moment, trying to kill everything in himself with the help of tears.
He failed.
But if you try hard, if you suffocate more, then most of the feelings will go away. And instead, there will be devastation, such as when there is nothing left.
In the silence, when his weak sobbing turned into nothing, it was clearly audible
Everything was fine, the stream was still on
So Bad wiped away his tears, smeared his cheeks, greasing the traces of his hysteria.
So he stood up, going to turn his mental state into a new project, going to make a new game out of his feelings.
He smiled, too amused at how his inner devastation would be judged as a bit.
He turned himself into a stupid game, he exposed his soul while people laughed.
He himself agreed to this.
For some reason, it still hurts