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I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
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How do you feel if your whole life is as simple as a duplicate of the first-born child of your parents?
Jeffrey Anderson is a huge success, a fabulous medal of his family and his school.
The above statement is as true as the following one: Todd Anderson is a shadow, he has no voice of his own – and he doesn’t need to have one. Since the path of glory has been clearly shown, it would be all his FAULTS to make a wrong turn.
Tameness constructed the key of his life, which was a perfect match with the famous high school, the Welton Academy. Tradition, honor, discipline, excellence. Going to the school was a part of the big plan.
But there, Todd Anderson met his roommate, Neil Perry, who was a quite sociable person. So he got to know Stephen Meeks, intelligent, Charlie Dalton, unruly, Knox Overstreet, agitated. Actually, he thought he had met a rebellion at his first day of school.
But there, the new English teacher, Mr. Keating told them something in the first day: Carpe diem, seize the day. Memento mori, sooner or later we the living beings will die anyway.
The gentleman was considered to be a wired person, who rejected to follow all the existed rules and principles. His course was very usual, charming, and attractive. Todd’s roommate very soon became obsessed with Mr. Keating’s ideas: making your life extraordinary; learning to think for yourselves again; looking at things in a different way … The result of Neil Perry’s delirium led to the rebirth of Dead Poets Society.
It was rather odd that not only Neil had the passion to organize the club, but also he had the same strong feeling to let Todd fully participate in his game. At first he invited Todd to join the Dead Poets Society with a promise that Todd could come and listen without reading the poetry himself; and then he wanted Todd to be stirred up by things – be enthusiastic, maybe. They had a quarrel about this, Neil blamed him for his apathy while Todd politely asked Neil not to bother, emphasizing he could take care of himself just fine. At that moment, he thought that would be both the end of their friendship and his recent disobeyed behaviours . But Neil rejected. He said: “No.”
Neil’s smile was shining, sweet, which almost made Todd smile too. It was obviously that Neil had made up his mind that he would not let Todd Anderson keep on his daily routine, or like Mr. Keating said in the class and Thoreau said hundreds years ago – “lead lives of quiet desperation”.
Neil was a stubborn person, thought Todd, in a lovely way.
Care meant that one would not just let someone take care of themselves, even if they could. Neil Perry genuinely cared for Todd Anderson, that feeling was not bad at all.
Todd always knew, the life he had led was not a vivid one. From the bottom of his heart, he realized he was a dull, boring person, and what he thought was worthless, embarrassing. He should not have any connection with poems. However, Neil believed a soul of the poet in him. They were so close at day and night, talking about many things, exchanging ideas, dreaming about future. Neil was like a magician, he was a person who could make a flying desk set in the daily life, he could also give Todd courage and make him smile unconsciously every time.
The thing was, Todd Anderson could be all right if he strictly followed the way arranged by his parents. But he failed. Yet there were concerns deep rooted in his heart, filling every minutes of his spare time – what if one day their misconduct exposed? What if the headmaster or their parents knew? Neil chased his dream without a single stop, when Todd, accompanied by his side, being a watcher and having a same feeling like Cassandra, the priest of Troy. The hunch arrived at the peak when Neil decided to write the letter of permission on his own.
Todd tried to persuade Neil not to attend the play without the permission of his father. But Neil rejected, he said “Todd, you don’t understand, acting is everything to me. Imagine that the very sun and moon become different in a play, not only a star or a satellite, but the surging of life itself.” He recited then, full of emotion: “O, swear not by the moon, th’ inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circled orb, lest that thy love prove likewise variable – ” Todd signed with laugh, “come Juliet, don’t be late for your rehearsal, I’m looking forward to it.”
After Neil left for the rehearsal of his play, Todd stood by the window, suddenly another sentence about moon came in to his mind: Regardez la lune. La lune a l’air très étrange. No, he prayed, please let his dream be true.
Finally the show was on stage as planned. The first show of Neil was a huge success, he proved he had talent for acting. It was a pity that Neil’s father took him for home immediately, but they need to talk, of course, Todd was convinced their negotiation would be successful, too. It was Neil, he got all A grades in classes, he was the leader of their team, he knew what he wanted to do and he made it. Who would ever doubt that he was capable of everything?
But the dream awoke at the same night. Their friends were standing before Todd’s bed, crying, overwhelmed with deep grief.
Neil was dead. Neil killed himself.
The world became pure white, Todd yawped at the empty ground they once played together.
NO.
NO.
After the initial shock and violent reactions, Todd visited the cave with the company of the night itself, silently.
Nobody was there, only a few items left behind: some pieces of paper, wrappers, a lamp with a strange statue on it … Ever since the foundation of their society, it was never as cold as tonight.
It was really not a midsummer night. So the warmth they felt, the glimmer they saw, were both vulnerable. Childhood and youth were like a long underground journey, you had to wait and wait for the fresh air, for the sunlight, for the life you can choose and bear on your own, but …
They asked too much. They asked too much. Each season, every hour and every minute of every day, all the periods of one’s life. Those parents, they could not take control of all the things but they would try their best to control the whole life of their child.
Be patience, the elders warned, you could not afford to make a mistake. Behave yourself, they said, your reckless action would ruin everything. It might be true that youth was a blunder, but how could they knew before they truly experienced life? How could their parents decided when they did not actually understand the weight of their child’s choices? Was it their fault that the past thing could never be fixed again? Was there a easier way?
It was a long cold winter night. Before dawn Todd recalled the memory of him and Neil again and again. It was hard to believe that they two only knew each other for several months, not until the next year’s spring arrived their story already came to the end. But meanwhile Todd felt something would never pass. Oh lord, I didn’t even congratulate him for his wonderful performance at that night, he thought almost desperately. The day could be such a exciting memorial day, now it was all gone.
Οὐκέτι ἤξω πρὸσ σέ, οὐκέτι ἤξω, Sappho said.
Neil Perry would never return to him.
Part of Todd Anderson was lost in that long endless winter night, the hole of his body was then filled with a dead spirit. Cold, almost freezing, but as soft as a hug, bittersweet.
Todd knew what happened actually made him a better person, because Neil was always the better one of them.
So be it.
Let the ashes of the rosebud be buried under snow.