Work Text:
Ashton was exhausted in every sense of the word. today was yet another day of hearing everyone else's problems and having to come up with a solution or comfort them or whatever else it may be. he even facetimed Mikey earlier to get his mind off things, and he fucking rolled his eyes at Ashton when he started talking about his garden.
and honestly he didn't usually mind. he loves his friends and he's always instinctively tried to take care of them. he has always put others before himself and for a long time it was a quality he really admired in himself.
but he was grown now. he understood that he couldn't keep giving if he wasn't also receiving. if his glass was empty from constantly pouring to others, how could he help without refilling it in some way? no one else ever seemed to get the memo on that.
so here he was, in the grocery store trying to finish his grocery shopping when his phone rings yet again. he sighs softly and answers.
"ash I really need your help" cal spoke from the other end of the line.
"is anyone dead or dying?" Ashton replied tiredly.
"well no but- I got this new software and I can't figure out how to use it and i need it for work."
"can it wait cal? this is my one day off this week and I have a shit load of errands to run. can you call Mikey?" Ashton suggested.
" I tried and he's busy with crystal." calum said dejectedly.
"can it wait till I'm over there to write in a couple days?" Ashton repeated.
"i-i mean I guess but I wanted it set up so we could use it."
Ashton sighed heavily hearing Calum. he would be lying to himself if he said he wanted to help. he was tired, he had three more stores to go to still, and he still had a bunch of work to do on his garden at home. he had to shower and do laundry and clean and god only knows what else. but that didn't seem to matter to anyone else.
"ash it'll take like 15 minutes max, and I'll wait till you're done shopping and stuff. please ash" Calum
begged. Ashton clenched his jaw and took a deep breath, trying to remember his coping skills his therapist taught him for when his anger started to bubble.
"no. I can't Calum. I'm sorry but I have way too much on my plate today" Ashton said firmly.
"okay.. see you Thursday" Calum sighed. Ashton quickly hung up and abandoned his cart in the store. he rushed out to his car, fuming.
why was it Ashton always had to drop everything for everyone else? why did his problems matter so much less than other people's? why was it always him?
he climbed into the front seat and jammed his key in the ignition. should he be driving while this upset? probably not. but it's not like he had any plans on staying in the whole foods while ready to tear someone's head off. he turned the key and heard a couple of clicks before the car went dead.
"are you absolutely fucking kidding me" Ashton mumbled with an out of place smile on his face. he couldn't help but cackle at the situation, the irony of it all. he turned the key again and once again the car wouldn't start. he sighed heavily and picked up his phone. he dialed Mikey's number and waited for him to answer.
except he never did. despite calling him three times, he went to voicemail every time. he called probably four other people, and not one of them picked up.
he turned the key again praying that maybe the car would turn on and to his shock and surprise, it actually did. he breathed a sigh of relief before pulling out of the parking lot.
once the relief of his car working faded, the anger pooled back in stronger than ever.
he is there, for everyone, all the fucking time. but not one fucking person could do the same for him? what, were his fucking breakdowns just too inconvenient for everyone else? no one could put it in a fraction of the effort for him that he put into every single fucking person in his life?
he raced down the streets of L.A. absolutely fuming. no combination of the 26 letters in the English alphabet could come together in a way to truly express how fucking livid he was. no matter what way he phrased it, it was putting it lightly.
fuck all of the therapy he went through. fuck all the learning and growing and changing he did. fuck all of that. why the fuck should he put so much effort into making everyone else happy when not a soul could do the same for him? why should he be a human diary when no one in his fucking life could listen to him talk about something he loved for five minutes?
he pulled off the road and into a liquor store parking lot. logically he knew this was just about the worst idea he could possibly have. he knew he should take five minutes to breath, drive home and maybe take an ice bath. but he'd reached his fucking limit. the anger, the bitterness, the frustration was all so loud he couldn't hear the logic screaming at him to stop and get back into his car. so he walked into the liquor store and bought the thing he swore he'd never touch again.
he made his way back to his car and sped back home, the bottle of Jack Daniels sitting neatly in the seat next to him. he may have been making poor decisions tonight but he still wasn't stupid enough to drink and drive.
he pulled into his garage and clambered his way into the house, ready to relapse and have the worst night of his life.
though he forgot an important detail to his life with all pof his anger and emotions.
"hey baby- you're home early?" Luke called from the couch.
fuck.Ashton was about to be caught red handed.
"uh- yea um, I forgot my uh, wallet in the bathroom and didn't realize till I got to checkout" Ashton stuttered out, stashing the bottle behind the shoe rack next to the door.
Luke cocked his eyebrow and made his way into the kitchen, where Ashton was standing.
"you don't sound confident in that" Luke said, crossing his arms over his chest.
"you weren't supposed to be back until like 9- I thought you were hanging out with Jack?"
"he cancelled because he was throwing up- I texted you that. what's going on?" Luke replied warily.
"nothing's going on" Ashton insisted.
"then why do you look like you've been running a marathon or something- you look like shit."
" thank you so much for the observation baby. nothing is going on, I'll be back later" Ashton said dryly, before turning to leave.
"Ashton stop it-" Luke started, grabbing Ashton by the shoulder. "Im worried"
Ashton shrugged Luke's hand off his shoulder roughly and grabbed the paper bag from the shoe rack.
"sure" he snapped, before attempting to walk into the garage. Luke saw the paper bag and put two and two together with ashton's bad mood.
"Ashton... have you been drinking?" Luke asked carefully.
"no Luke! I fucking haven't! but god fucking forbid I fucking want to right now!" Ashton yells, slamming the bottle down on the counter. "everyday, day in and day fucking out I take care of everything. I make sure that Mike's relationships going well or his computers not bugging or he's taking his meds or his panic disorders not getting the best of him. I make sure calum's taking care of himself and not doing stupid shit. I deal with management, I deal with the record label, the magazines, the press, and fucking everything else so no one else has to; but does anyone check if I'm okay? does anyone shoot me a text asking if I've been doing too much? or if my demons are getting the best of me? NO! NO THEY FUCKING DONT. IM JUST A GLORIFIED DIARY THAT TALKS BACK TO FUCKING EVERYONE AROUND ME. GOD FORBID ID LIKE TO FORGET FOR A WHILE" Ashton screamed, before sitting down in a barstool at the island panting. he buried his head in his hands, finally processing what has actually happened since he walked into his house ten minutes ago.
"why is it that so many people in my life get to be toxic, shitty, mean, and selfish. but the moment I want to I'm commiting crimes against humanity." Ashton mumbled through his hands tiredly. Luke takes a seat next him and pulls his face from his hands carefully.
"it might feel that way because you aren't those things. you don't like hurting other people, do you?" Luke said gently. Ashton shook his head no in response.
"you're resentment and bitterness and anger is understandable sweetheart. you carry a lot of weight now you've done it for so long people just expect you to, and they don't show gratitude for it. and thats not fair to you. it's not fair that everyone expects you to pick up their slack, or drop everything to help them. it's not fair that no one wants to listen to you, and your problems, your interests. your anger is warranted. I would be pissed too if I was you." Luke started, grabbing ashton's hand gently. he gave a reassuring squeeze before continuing.
"but going back to unhealthy coping mechanisms isn't gonna make it better. you know drinking's not gonna take your hurt away. it's gonna make you feel worse" Luke insisted.
"what if I wanna feel worse?" Ashton said quietly.
"sweetheart-" Luke started before Ashton cut him off.
"don't. I don't wanna hear some regurgitated nonsense that I heard from every fucking addiction treatment center, AA meeting leader, or psychiatrist. it's all the same shit. I'm fucking tired and absolutely fucking miserable and I'm tired of hearing that I'm stronger than this and that I'm so brave and whatever else. has anyone ever considered the possibility that I know that I'm stronger but I just don't fucking care anymore? has anyone ever thought of that? that despite knowing I have other options that I just don't give a fuck and the only fucking reason I don't destroy myself on the daily is because it affects everyone around me? Luke I haven't cared if I lived or died since I was 18. Ive never stopped being fucking miserable, I just got better at hiding it." Ashton replied back.
Luke's heart crumbled hearing his love. Ashton didn't even sound angry or bitter or even frustrated. he just sounded... tired. the kind of tired Luke hasn't experienced in years. and ashton's been feeling this way for all this time and he's been none the wiser.
"how can I help you? what do you need from me?" Luke asked squeezing his hand lightly.
"you can't fix me Luke."
"that's not what I'm asking. you don't need fixing, you need help. you need someone willing to put effort into you the way you put it into everyone else. I'm sorry I didn't realize sooner. you're not broken Ashton, you have flaws and issues just like everyone else. and I'm so so fucking sorry that we've all made you feel like you can't be. I want you to be happy and if there's anything I can do to make that happen, even if it's just for a little while I want to do that for you." Luke said to him, cupping his face in his hands. every word that left Luke's mouth was absolutely enveloped in all of the love, respect and sincerity he had for the love of his life.
Ashton looked back at Luke, trying to push down the tears. he was too old to cry. he's the strong one. he's the rock. he doesn't make his angel carry his emotional baggage no matter how much Luke insists he can bear the weight. he was atlas, forced to bear the weight of heaven and earth on his shoulders. no one needed to take that burden on.
"ash baby talk to me, please" Luke said, pressing his face to ashton's. he shook his head no. he couldn't speak right now, he couldn't trust his voice not to fail him.
"it's just me and you love, the way it's always been. you don't need to hide from me. I've seen the worst of you and I'm not afraid. please, please baby. talk to me." Luke insisted again. Ashton looked to Luke with teary eyes. he tried to keep all of it inside. but somehow Luke knew exactly what he needed to hear, and his walls crumbled. Ashton buried his face and Luke's chest and wailed loud enough to echo through his house. ash clung to him, which in response Luke pulled him into his lap.
he held him for hours, letting him sob into his chest. he kept hydrated, kept his breathing even so he wasn't hyperventilating but never once tried to force his tears away. he let Ashton cry until there was nothing left. he knew Ashton had cried, especially not like this in years. there was no way he was going to accidentally shame him into stopping.
after ashton's tears ran dry and his throat was raw, he looked up at Luke embarrassed. he laid his head back on Luke's shoulder before speaking.
"I'm sorry. i-i won't make you have to sit through that again" Ashton said quietly, shuffling his way out of Luke's lap.
"baby wait-" Luke started, grabbing the older's wrist gently. "I never mind staying with you when you're upset. I'd sit with you like that every single day if it helped you. you've done so so much for me, it's the very least I could do"
"but it's not your job to take care of me"
"it's not yours to take care of me. but you do it anyways because you love me, right? and so of course I'd do the same for you" Luke refuted, pulling Ashton towards him gently. Ashton wrapped his arms around Luke again before speaking.
"you promise?"
"pinky promise" Luke replied offering out his pinky to Ashton. Ashton locked his pinky with Luke's and laid his head on his chest again.
"now, what can I do to help you feel better right now love?" Luke asked sweetly.
"promise you won't judge me?" Ashton asked quietly.
"I promise."
"I wanna go work on the garden. a-and I wanna talk about it. I worked so hard on it and I wanna tell people about it but everyone acts like it's stupid. but I'm proud of it. so I just wanna tell someone about it" ashton replies, voice breaking and tears welling again as he spoke.
"of course sweetheart. you can always tell me about it, I love hearing about it so much. I know how hard you work on it and I'm sorry if I made it seem like I didn't care." Luke said squeezing the older firmly.
"you've always been the nicest about it lu. you don't make me feel that way." Ashton mumbled into Luke's chest.
"that's good. do Mike and cal...?" Luke asked carefully.
"sometimes... but I get it, it's boring to hear about."
"but it's not boring. you've taught me so much stuff about plants I would have never known. like if you plant two similar species near each other they can cross-pollinate and you can get watermelon cucumbers and stuff. or that bamboo can grow 35 inches in a day. or that tulip bulbs used to be worth more than gold. that shit is wild- and I would have never learned any of that stuff without you. would I start my own garden? probably not honestly. but I love yours and I want to be apart of something you love and care about. I'm honored you wanna share it with me, especially when you let me help with tending to it and stuff. and they would know how interesting it is if they'd give it a chance. I love them, but they're being stupid assholes for being shitty to you about it. I'll talk to them okay?" Luke said genuinely. in his head he knew he was going to chew Michael and calum inside and out for their treatment of Ashton, but Ashton didn't need to know the extent of his lecture.
"you really mean that?" Ashton responded softly.
"of course. now, I'm gonna send the bottle you got over to Jack once he's done being sick, and for now we're gonna go out to the garden and you're going to tell me every thought you've had swirling around in that head of yours about your garden. I wanna hear all of it."
and that's exactly what Ashton did. it started with Ashton tending to his garden, harvesting plants, pruning and what not. once he was finished, Luke cut up one of the watermelons Ashton had grown and they sat around the fire pit on their patio and talked until the late hours of the night. Luke watched his love rant for hours on end about the pros and cons of canning versus freezing fruits and vegetables for preservation, hand pollinating his crops, and the logistics of propagating new plants from cuttings. all of this information was new to him, but he couldn't be happier than hearing Ashton get so passionate about what he loves.
Luke didn't fix all of ashton's problems that night, but he never expected that to happen. he did exactly what he intended to; he rolled the heaven and earth that Ashton carried every day onto his own shoulders, even if it was just for a night. and if he yelled at Calum and Michael over the phone that night for being dicks to his boyfriend after Ashton fell asleep, Ashton didn't need to know. all he needed was their apologies (which he got) the next day. and while they never meant to hurt him, or knew they were, they still felt awful once they realized what they were doing.
they came over for lunch and worked everything out. did it fix everything? no. but it was never meant to. they all know recovery doesn't happen overnight or with one apology. but Michael and calum had every intention to work their ass off to gain ashton's trust again, starting that day.