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Sometimes, Mac just wants to give up.
The feeling mostly creeps in when she's sitting in some waiting room, basking in the shitty fluorescent lights and listening to other patients hack up entire lungs. She already knows what's going to happen next. The door is going to open, and a nurse will step through and call her "MacKenzie" before she leads them back to a private room. The same doctors will look at her with the same sad eyes and tell her she's either not improving or getting worse. She thinks the only thing that would make the situation more hopeless would be putting coffins on display right there in the office. Make your pick as you walk out the door.
Regret and guilt bite her in the ass when she has those thoughts. She doesn't even mean them. There's plenty she wants to live for. She needs to get the fuck out of Stony Stream. Just the thought of dying there pumps her stomach with dread. Hell, she even has people who would be sad to see her in the ground. For two, Dylan and Alice have never missed an appointment, treatment, or anything. They keep her steady, tacked to her sides whenever possible.
She looks forward to Wednesdays when Tiffany has the time to spend a few hours with her between extracurriculars. She comes to the Coyle residence with the latest medical journal she can find tucked into her side. There are always innovative inventions or new home remedies for the headaches and nausea she's eager to tell Mac about. Some of the stuff does help, which is not surprising given Tiffany is the most brilliant person she knows. And even though Mac rolls her eyes as Tiff tries to take care of her in the most Tiff ways ever, she knows she'll forever be grateful to have a friend who cared so much about saving her life.
Erin comes, too, and thankfully, pretty often. Sometimes, they play video games if Mac is feeling up to it. She usually has less than zero energy, so they do nothing at all. Turns out it's enough to just shoot the shit with someone like Erin. Her smile is warm, so soothing that it almost feels like a type of medicine in itself. Mac likes to tease her about her crush on that total dweeb, Kirk Cameron, and Erin takes it right on the chin. They joke and laugh until neither of them can breathe. Until Mac forgets there's even anything wrong with her for a while. Days with Erin make things seem brighter.
Then, there's KJ fuckin' Brandman.
Goddamn Kaje.
KJ, who is every bit gentle as she is ferocious. KJ, who's hilarious when she doesn't even mean to be, and when she does, it's in a screwed-up kind of way that Mac adores to high heaven. She hates being called Karina, so much so that she nudges Mac's shoulder with her own whenever she dares to speak the name. If KJ knows Mac's motivations, she doesn't let on. Higher odds say she probably thinks Mac is being annoying on purpose, but the real intention behind crossing that line all the time is just to get an extra dose of whatever the fuck she feels when they touch.
KJ looks at her like she's holding the world's wonders in her hands at all times. She continues to do so, even when her hair and face start to thin. Never in her life did she think she could be worthy of such attention, but KJ's eyes never lie, not to her. She doesn't know what it is, but KJ sees it. That's all that matters.
They're together the most because, well, they're together. Have been for the better part of three years. Which is almost so totally insane that even after all that time, it still doesn't feel real sometimes. They're just kids, trying hard to find their footing when they start out. When they finally do, they hit the ground running. They give in, and Mac finds it's a privilege to be by KJ's side, to be allowed to brush curls out of her face, to push all of her buttons for the hell of it; she doesn't take a second of it lightly.
She's only been sick for the last six months of their relationship, though it feels much, much longer. KJ is present with a hand to hold or a hug to give from the jump. Alice and Dylan are glad for her help ensuring Mac's consistently as comfortable as she can be. She badgers her to eat well and drink enough water. She loves that she can say things to KJ she wouldn't tell anyone else. Things that other people might consider morbid or fucked up. They talk about everything. All their feelings, the good and the bad, openly and honestly every day.
Things get worse pretty fast. But KJ? Never fucking wavers. There are plenty of times when Mac sees the toll the whole thing is taking on her, too, but she remains solid through every bump in the road. She's completely in awe of her girl's strength. It's impossible not to fall in love with her all over again, and so she does daily.
Treatment destroys her immune system, and the cancer takes care of the rest. On top of the splitting headaches and the vomiting, it seems like her nose never stops running with blood. She's so tired all the goddamn time. About four months in, her right arm decides it wants to be dysfunctional at will; it gives no clear indication of when it will behave. Kaje is there to help Mac brush her teeth after her episodes spent with her head over the toilet or waste bin, rubbing smooth circles on her back during those, too. Mac pokes fun at how she's never, ever without a hoity-toity handkerchief at the ready to soak up some blood. And when the pain overwhelms her system and she can hardly sit up straight, Mac finds solace with her head on KJ's lap. She'll run her fingers gingerly over her scalp, humming the most beautiful melodies Mac has ever heard as she drifts off to sleep, and she's always there when she wakes up.
KJ, who she loves more than anyone has ever loved anybody before. There's no scientific way to prove the statement. Mac would never give a shit if there was, anyway. She already knows it to be true. Fuck the scientific method.
One might think the scariest thing about her situation is the act of dying itself; they would be wrong. It's one of the most frightening, that's for sure, but she's come to grips with it. Only one thought keeps her awake at night: not knowing if it'll be the last time she and KJ ever see each other when they go their separate ways.
Everything about being sick hurts terribly, but the thought of leaving KJ behind twists the knife even worse.
Whoever is in charge upstairs can call her number any time. Her ticker could decide to stop whenever it wants or something. They both know that. So, their kisses linger, and Mac squeezes her eyes shut. KJ smells like a mix of Rave hairspray and crisp autumn air. Sometimes she tastes yellow Gatorade. Other times, there's a sweetness Mac can't quite place but so severely wants more of. These are the things she burns into her senses. What carries over into any sort of afterlife? She doesn't know. She'll fight God himself to hold onto those memories if she has to.
Mac scoffs aloud at nothing in particular, just the general way her friends and girlfriend snuck their way into her life and managed to turn her into a complete pile of mush.
"MacKenzie Coyle." It's Mac. She's told this specific nurse that she goes by Mac nothing short of fourteen goddamn million times, but obviously, nothing is going to change, so she gets up with a massive sigh and follows the woman into a room, Alice and Dylan on her tail.
Her vitals are good, but that doesn't mean jack shit when she has the problem she does. She has had a great few days, all things considered. She's sure it's only because there's a break in her chemo for the time being. Feeling good or not, none of that changes the fact that there's still something actively trying to kill her inside her brain. Pauline, the nurse, sticks her file in the door and leaves with a smile. They don't typically wait for long. Mac guesses telling a sixteen-year-old girl she's on her way out once a week is something doctors want to get over as soon as possible.
It's not even five minutes before Dr. Anderson enters the room. He's the doctor that Tiff's mom handpicks for her. Mac, she really likes the guy; respects that he's a no-bullshit type like her. He doesn't sell her fantasies, only shoots straight facts even when the shit is brutal to say. Best of all, he always asks how she's doing and never blinks when her tongue gets sharp.
"Oh, I'm just swell, Doc." Mac manages a sarcastic smile, "Might even go dancing tonight. Feeling a bit like tearing up the town."
Dr. Anderson chuckles, "I suspect tearing towns up is no problem for you, Mac."
"Damn right." She gives him a resolute nod.
He laughs again before turning to Dylan and Alice to check on them, too. They say they're doing good, but that's not entirely true. They've got matching circles under their eyes from caring for her around the clock. It makes her heart hurt a little. She's sure Dr. Anderson knows that, too, because he narrows his eyes quickly when they respond. When the formalities are through, he takes her file in his hands.
"Alright, now down to our official orders of business." Mac readies for what comes next. She wishes KJ was there. She'd have a hand to squeeze and whisper in her ear, saying it's going to be okay when the blow is delivered, but she isn't, so she just braces. "We have your newest labs back and your latest scan. And Mac, I've got to tell you, we're seeing signs that your cancer is retreating for the first time."
"Yeah, I figur-" It takes a moment for his words to register, but when they do, she feels like someone took every bit of oxygen out of the room. "Wait, what the fuck did you just say?" She thinks her meds may have her hallucinating because there was no damn way what he said was true.
"You heard me right, kid. All the bad levels we needed lower are down, and your good ones we needed higher are up." Dr. Anderson continues, "Even that tumor of yours seems to be shrinking. We're only talking fractions of millimeters here, but it is progress. Considering your condition, you're in okay shape compared to what we normally see at this point. No promises, but if we stay the course, we might have a shot at winning this thing." He grins, "You keep throwing your hardest punches, and you could be tearing up this town in no time."
Alice starts asking a hundred questions, but Mac can't hear them. She's stunned way beyond belief. A minute ago, it was sure her life was over. She catches Dylan's eye; he looks like he just took a breath for the first time in his life. She can't help but smile back.
She knows she can't get ahead of herself just yet. She's got a dangerous disease that can change directions on a dime, but even the possibility of a future where she's free relights her fire. Maybe she'll watch Tiffany inevitably take over the world after all. And Erin always says that Mac'll be a cool pseudo-aunt to the four kids that wacko wants; she might get to do that, too.
God, and maybe, just maybe, she and KJ will never have to say goodbye. They can leave Stony Stream hand in hand and let life take them where it may.
Hope is fucking dangerous right now, but she's never had a problem living on the edge, especially not when she has everything to gain.
She leaves the doctor's office with her head held the highest in months, throwing a peace sign to the secretary on the way out. Alice is kind enough to drop her off at the one place Mac wants to be; she doesn't even have to ask. Dylan tells her to have fun with an exaggerated wink. Mac trots up the driveway backward, cranking her middle finger out like a Jack in the Box, and she can hear him laughing as the car pulls away. It makes things feel so back to normal she even laughs, too.
Mac bursts through the door of the Brandman house. It doesn't seem like either Nora or Ozzie are home, so she shouts, "Kaje?"
"In my room!"
By the time Mac makes it to the doorway, KJ is already watching the frame from her desk chair. She catches sight of Mac, and her eyes go impossibly soft, "Hey there."
Mac's almost embarrassed to say that the notion still brings heat to her cheeks, but the truth is that her face is on fire, "Are your parents home?"
"No, they're at a business dinner with the…" KJ's face scrunches as she stands, "Pulaskis? I think? It doesn't matter, but they probably won't be home unt–" Mac doesn't let her finish. She'll go on with her parents' entire itinerary for the night if she gives her the time and space. Normally, she would, but right now, all she knows is that her newfound energy has her feeling like she needs to kiss her before she combusts.
"Okay," KJ cranes her head down to rest her forehead on Mac's, out of breath when they pull apart, "I'm not complaining, but what the heck was that for?"
She smiles so hard that she feels her eyes crinkle, "We're winning."
"Winning…what?" She can tell KJ's amused by how her eyebrows rise dramatically before she shakes her head, pulling it back, "Wait, how was your appointment?"
"See this chick right here? She's kicking ass, Kaje." Mac thrusts a thumb into her chest, "Her labs are good. That stupid thing in her brain is getting smaller."
She must watch about a hundred emotions cycle through KJ's face before it lands on disbelief. Her shoulders start to rise and fall heavily, "Mac, I swear to God, if you're screwing with me right now, it's so not funny."
"KJ." Mac brings her hands to the girl's shoulders, "I fuck around about a lot of things, alright? But you should know I would not fuck around about this."
KJ blinks once before she's surging forward to envelop Mac in a soul-crushing hug. They stay there for a good while, hugging like the world is about to end. KJ's still wrapped tightly around her when Mac hears the slightest sniffle. She pulls her head back as much as the embrace allows, "Jesus, are you crying?"
"Yes, I'm crying, you jerk. Some of us get," KJ draws back, rolling her eyes as she wipes her tears with the back of her hand, "emotional about people we love. Dr. Anderson told you that today?"
"Yeah, and like, a bunch of other shit. None of us can jump the gun here, but today was really good." She curls an eyebrow up as more tears fall from KJ's eyes, "Jeez, you must really want me to stick around, huh?"
Her voice is almost a whisper when she responds. There's real texture to it. Tangible, even. Like running your hand over silk, "Is that so bad?"
"Nah," Mac shakes her head to stop it from reeling, "because I want to stick around with you, too."
It's entirely possible that KJ has the ability to halt time right in its tracks because every so often when she presses her lips into the thinnest little smile and looks at Mac all teary like she's the one who put every star in the sky, there are no such things as beginnings and ends. Everything about those moments feels infinite.
KJ snaps out of it as her eyes widen, "I know it's small, but it still deserves celebrating! You deserve to celebrate. What do you want to do?"
She thinks for a minute, landing on the perfect idea, "I don't know about you, but I'm thinking ice cream for dinner. Then, we go tell Erin and Tiff the news."
"Have you had a real dinner today?" KJ narrows her eyes.
"No, that's clearly why I suggested we have ice cream for dinner. What's the big deal?"
"Mac."
She throws her hands up, "What?"
"We're not going to start skipping full, nutritional meals because of one good report, right?"
Mac rolls her eyes, "One day of ice cream as a meal isn't going to kill me, Kaje. Or should I start calling you 'Mom' now?"
KJ crosses her arms, shifting her weight to one hip as if she's trying to physically reinforce her position in their battle. They stand like that, staring, but Mac comes up with the proper string to tug on, "If you really love me, you won't say noooo."
Right on cue, she huffs before she folds like a house of cards, "First of all, that's not a healthy thing to say. Second, fine." She moves to grab her keys from her desk, tossing a look back over her shoulder, "But you're eating an apple when we get back."
Mac shrugs, "As long as I get some Rocky Road, I'll eat all the fucking apples you want me to."
"I'm keeping you to that." She jabs a pointer finger out, "I'll hold you down if I have to."
"Promise?" Mac tips her chin up with a smirk.
"Oh, my God. Unbelievable." KJ's face flushes as she turns Mac in the opposite direction with one hand, giving her a playful nudge towards the door, "Walk before I change my mind."
"Shit," Mac reaches her arm back without looking behind, wiggling her fingers as she stretches her hand out, "you seriously love me. That's kind of embarrassing if you ask me!"
"Good thing I didn't ask." KJ swats at her hand, but Mac can tell she's smiling.
Her future isn't clear by any means, but she's got the best girlfriend around, she's about to eat a sickening amount of her favorite ice cream, and she's going to spend her night with the most incredible people she knows.
So, for now, as far as she's concerned, Mac Coyle is going to live.
For fuckin' ever.