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A trip to the desert. Great fucking idea. Now i'm all red, injured, tired, and i probably got me-self a heatstroke. After 4 more hours of driving, the last thing i needed was to get sick, but here i am, alone in me room; impossible to lay down cause me back burns and standing up hurts too much, cause - guess what - me legs are fucked too. I'm sitting against some pillows, trying not to move too much. I'm in pain, but when i tried to walk, looking for medicine, me vision got blurry and i fell down in bed again. I should call somebody. Miles is on tour, that wanker. Matt and Nick were travelling wif me, they must be exhausted too... Jamie is in town. Maybe he could help me.
'Yes, I should call him' i told meself, phone in hand, when unpleseant memories hit me.
One single phonecall and I managed to fuck everything.
Jamie told me he is gay.
Don't go assuming that i'm a homophobic piece of shit. I love gay people, they are simply wonderful. And I love Jamie too, I would never say anything other than that.
But the thing is, that phonecall affected me more than it should.
Can i be sincere with you?
Of course i can, i'm talking to meself.
I think i love Jamie. I know i told you the exact same thing seconds ago, but now is a different kind of love. I love him, you know? Its hard to accept it, cause i'm (or used to be) straight. I never got interested in blokes. Me adoration for Jamie was always interpreted as true friendship, like we were soulmates. Now, i see that 'soulmates' has another meaning. Its not like Matt or Mal. Helders and Nick are me brothers. Jamie never occupied this position. He was always higher than anybody else.
I managed to kick these questions away for our entire trip - 8 days - cause Jamie couldn't go. It was his father's birthday in that week, so he got on a plane to Sheffield and met them there. He came back today, just like we did, but we havent exchanged words yet.
I feel dehydrated, me lips are dry and cracking, me head is pounding in ache, all i needed was a cup of water. I can't get it, though. I really need to call Jamie. I unlocked the phone and tried to find his contact despite me tears from so much discomfort.
'Cookie'
'Al! I presumed you were sleeping, so i didn't call you'
'Oh. I'm too busy dying, though'
'Dying? What the fuck, mate?'
I couldn't help but smile. This adorable bastard, making curses seem like the only right way of expressing himself.
'I fink i got a heatstroke, Jamie. I feel like i'm gonna black out at any second'
'Bloody hell. Where are you? Are you going to the hospital?'
'In me house, all by me-self. That's why i called you. I can't get up, I need help'
'You want me to go to your place?'
'I'm sorry about bothering you but there's no one else. And you're me best friend, to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die'
'I shouldn't cause I'm really really busy, but since you quoted The Smiths to me, i'm going. I'm getting you some medical stuff and food, but it'll take at least half an hour. Fink you can handle it?'
'I can, yeah. Forgive me for ruining your plans, would you? But i need me Cookie here wif me'
With my closed eyes, I can see his cheeks getting all red, his awkward smile. Its his trademark.
'Well, see ya soon. Please, try not to die while i'm on me way'
'Will do me best'
'Bye, Al. Be safe'
'Bye, Jamie'
I can't even remember those 30 minutes between the call and Jamie entering in me house; I guess I just deleted it cause it wasn't important enough. It was probably just me groaning in pain and changing positions so me body would hurt a bit less. The main door opened with a 'click' - Jamie has a copy of my key, for emergencies like this or if he just wants to steal me beer - and I silently observed a quick pace approacching me bedroom door until it opened with a way louder 'click'. Those incredible blue eyes met mines and he sighed in relief, as if making sure i was still breathing. He leaned on the door frame and smiled at me. I smiled back.
'I got you worried? Sorry'
'F course you got me bloody worried! You said you could black out at any minute. I swear to God that I almost died in a car accident cause I was hurrying to get in here'
'Christ. Can you imagine? Then both of us would be dead and useless because of one heatstroke'
He got closer and sat on the bed next to me, bringing his hand up to me forehead to feel me temperature, looking at me wide-eyed. 'You're really hot, shit'. Both of us bursted in laughter after an awkward silence for analysing his words and the potential behind it. Before i could even enjoy the moment, i felt dizzy again and supported me body in his, me fingers carving on his forearm as I waited for the world to stop spinning.
Wif me eyes closed, i could feel his hands holding me wrists, trying to help me to go back to normal, even if his touch was hurting me aching skin. It took some time but i finally chilled, afraid of looking at him and seeing how much he cared about me, and seeing how much this was getting he anxious. Shit, i'm such a dead weight to everyone.
'I'm so sorry, again'
'There's nothing to apologize 'bout. Look, i will get you some water and prepare the tub for a cold bath, to low your fever as the pharmacist told me to do in case we couldn't get to the hospital quickly. Just wait me for a bit, yeah?'
I nodded, even if the idea of getting up already got me sick. I'm probably going to throw up in my way to the bathroom, so i told him this. He nodded as well and said he would carry me fast to the toilet so i could vomit there. Me stomach twisted, but i knew this time there was nothing to do with me illness.
Jamie got back with water and a wet towel, putting it on my forehead while i almost drank the entire cup in a sip. He rushed back to the kitchen with the towel and the empty glass, returning without his jacket; Jamie rested his hands on his hips and told me to get undressed. I started to giggle, but after looking at him again i noticed he was serious. 'Wha?!'
'You want to take a shower wearing clothes? And after all you should wear as little clothing as you can because of the heatstroke. Its what the internet says'
'Hm. Alright then. But I'm keeping me boxers'
'Dont be silly, if you're doing this because I came out you should know that the other times i saw you naked back then werent that different. I'm not going to stare at you, i'm just trying to help'
I felt me cheeks getting as hot as they were before.
'Its not because of that. I just feel more confortable, that's all'
'Alright, i'm sorry, it sounded rude. I just... I heard a lot of shite since i told people the truth and it got me annoyed as fuck. Sorry'
He seemed so sad that I almost crumbled in tears; looking at the floor, crossed arms on his chest, a bitter expression on his face. I hadnt been exactly supportive when he told me, i basically say it was 'O.K.' and ignored him for the rest of the week. Not on purpose, i just couldn't face it as I should've done it.
'No, you're right. I'm sorry, Jamie, about being such a dickhead since you told me. I just, it got me by surprise, yeah? After seeing you for so many years going out with ladies. Please, understand that I support you in every single aspect of this and I'm extremely happy for you, even though some wankers pissed you off about it. I'll always be there for you, just like you're here for me now'
When he looked back at me, Jamie didn't make any effort to hold the tears forming on his blue eyes, drying them with the back of his hand. He smiled at me in such a genuine way I felt shivers up me spine. It seemed like he was hundreds of times more beautiful, if that's even possible when we're talking about Jamie, and his smile, it could light up an entire city like New York, I swear.
'Shit, Alex, don't say this kind of stuff again'
'Its nothing but the truth'
'Alright, let's get rid of this fever before you die and the scene gets even more dramatic, eh?'
I slowly managed to get me shirt off and then me socks, struggling a bit with the skinny jeans i chose earlier and I regret violently having done it. Me skin was almost like glued to the denim, what made the process even harder, so much pain embracing me that i felt tears going down me cheeks.
In a blink of an eye, Jamie was sitting by me side, carefully pulling the fabric away from me reddened legs. He was doing a better work than me, so I just stood there, watching it, thanking every single divinity for being blessed with this lad. When he finished, all he did was mock me about being such a inutile jerk and then smile sweetly.
Jamie got up and quickly headed to the bathroom, only checking if everything was ready. He came back and positioned himself beside the bed, sliding his arms on my back and me thighs, holding it and slowly rising me from the blankets. I just felt so fragile in that moment that all i managed to do was chuckle lightly.
'You O.K.?'
'Yeah, i don't feel as nauseous as i thought i would. But let's be quick, please? I can feel me entire lunch coming up me throat'
He nodded, his face inches away from mine, and tried to walk subtly through the door, still going fast, though. When we entered the bathroom, he leaned to drop me on the floor and i already grabbed the toilet seat as I felt it coming out. It lasted at least five minutes, between me stopping for a breath and starting it all over again. What it impressed me the most was not how fucking much I throwed up (a lot, by the way), but the fact that Jamie kept sitting by me side, trying to contain me messy ungelled hair, that its already getting too long. He only got up when i finished, to hand me a cup of water, which I gladly accepted. He smiled at me with a hand on me shoulder.
He helped me (more like kept me from running away) get in the cold bath that got me trembling like a jackhammer. If i felt like on fire before, now i was turning into a human iceberg. I closed me eyes, trying to ignore (and as you can imagine, it didn't work) the sensation that me blood was frozen on me veins.
'Bloody hell Jamie, take me out of here!'
'Just a bit more'
'Please'
'It's important. It wont take long, I promise'
'Jamie'
My fingers found his arm quickly and i couldn't help but scratch his skin, trying to get his attention, even if all of it was already focused on me. He let me keep doing it to distract meself from the cold, although its not really helping.
'Jamie'
'Alright its over' Jamie said, and before he could even try to help me i basically jumped out of the tub. In the moment me feet touched the ground, its almost like me legs vanished and I would have certainly crumbled on the floor if his hands didn't manage to pick me up by me armpits and hold me still.
'Jesus, get me a towel for fuck's sake'
'Actually me name is Jamie' he told me with a mocking grin, wrapping me in the dry but not warm enough fabric. He picked two more towels and used them to rub meskin, in order to create more friction and, consequently, more heat.
'Hilarious. Can you pick up some clothes to me? I'm freezing'
'Yeah'
I managed to keep meself alive with the three towels wrapped around me body, rubbing me arms with not-so-cold-anymore hands. He came back with underwear, pajama pants and some really old shirt i didn't even remember i had. Jamie kept staring at me for some time, but when he noticed i wasn't going to change meself -while he stood in there- he blushed and turned around.
'Okay i'm done'
He turned back and smiled at me. 'So? How do you feel now?'
'I'm going to fucking murder you after this bath. Thank you, by the way'
'Dont mention it. At least you can stand up now'
'Yeah'
Bip
Jamie quickly unlocked his phone, almost forgeting I was standing on his front; at least, i could analyse him for a bit. He was smirking dumbly, leaning against the wall, the other hand on his pocket. 'Talking to someon?'. He jumped, as if he saw a ghost. 'Nobody'
'Come on, who you're texting?'
'Its nobody'
'Already got a boyfriend and is not going to tell me?'
After I finished the phrase, I felt sick. Not really sick, just jealous-sick, what got me more nervous than the other situation would. Dammit, I'm really liking Jamie, am I not? Fuck.
'No, Its actuall-' another bip. He looked at the screen and, just like it had never been there, his smile disappeared. 'Well, I was trying to, but apparently i just got dumped'. He sighed and got the phone on mute, but if he really just got dumped by - Ugh, I don't even wanna think about it - a possible partner, his reaction was too careless.
'So you really had a boyfriend?'
'Nah, I was just trying to get laid'
He was just trying to get laid?! Jesus Christ, he's a fucking heartbreaker with every bloody genre, isn't he?
'You're ruining lifes just like before, uh?'
He smirked ashamedly.
'Eh, thats not true! Its just, it was way easier before to find an easy fuck. Most of gay men are like, too weird or not single anymore. The only decent ones I found didn't last'
Yeah, now i'm definitely going to cry alone in me room, thank you very much. So he's really been having a rather 'fun' night life. Shit, mate. I know its stupid but it's nearly impossible to accept he's fucking dudes. Now, more than ever, cause I just found out i'm falling for him like an anchor in the sea.
'Al, you alright? You look a bit pale'
Crap. I murmured an 'Yeah is nowthin' and headed to the living room. I really have to be more careful, or he could find out i'm gay before I even conclude it meself. I sat down on sofa and buried me face between hands, trying to calm down. I mean, Jesus! Its complicated to turn gay and fall in love with your best friend at the same time.
'Are you hungry?'
'I'm not feeling that well yet. Maybe later'
'Are you going to throw up again?'
'No, no. I just think I shouldn't eat somthin now'
'Alright, then. What do you need?'
You. That's what i need. But I can't simply tell you this.
Can I?
'You researched somthin to me skin? Its pretty bad. Even the fabric rubbing against it makes me suffer'
Jamie got up in a jump, picking up a drugstore bag that rested right next to his jacket - the one that makes him look way sexier than every other common human being - and got out a green bottle. Apparently skincare cream or some shit like that.
'Fancy a massage?'
'What's that?'
'Its moisturizer. The pharmacist made it clear that's its essencial to apply - a lot of it - in the burnt skin'
Oh well. If you say so...
'O.K. me nurse. Bring it here'
'I'm not going to judge you when the matter is fetishes but I never thought you would be the role-playing type, Alex'
'What?!'
'I'm joking, relax'
Shit. Now it seems like the image of Jamie in a sexy nurse costume wont leave me mind. Amazing and terryfing - at the same time - how creative I can be.
'Just hand me the moisturizer, please'
'Oh, i thought i would need to apply it on you'
No. Cheeks, don't dare to go red. Please, don't. Fuck, its too late. Well, let's screw it all at once, then.
'It seems like a wonderful idea'
Jamie smirked at me and shook his head, probably acknowledging i'm stupid. I know that I am, sorry. He pulled a chair right in front of me and sat down, pouring the - incredibly good smelling - product on his palm. He asked the areas I exposed more to sunlight.
'Me back and me chest, me arms, i don't know, me neck? I wore tank tops basically every day, so yeah'
He nodded and rolled me shirt up with his free hand, making me feel like a child. At the contact of the cold substance against me shoulder, I felt shivers; at the contact of his hand against me body, i felt an earthquake. He remained in silence, but I needed to hear his voice, to feel this situation was not a dream, so I decided to kill some of me curiosity.
'Jamie?'
'Hm?'
'Its O.K. if I ask you some questions?'
'Sure'
'Alright. I.. When you found out about being gay? Like, in which situation? It scared you? It got you surprised? Its just, it must've been hard'
'I'm going to be honest wif you: since I was a teen, I couldn't ignore the feeling that boys were just as hot as girls, in me eyes. But it never evolved from that. One day, back in 2010, I woke up next to Katie and noticed her presence there, in me bed, wasn't comfortable anymore. I didn't want her there. It just... I don't know. It was a big fucking surprise, you see?'
'Well, but you could've growed tired of her, not all women'
'I know, it was what i thought in the beginning. I kept her around for more three days, to see what would happen. Her hand on me waist felt wrongly placed. Her curves stopped being attractive. I would smile at her so fakely it surprised me she didn't find out first'
'It still doesn't make a lot of sense'
'Yeah. Dude, I even rejected sex cause it seemed absolutely unpleasing. And we're talking about me saying "no" to sex. I told me psychologist everything I had in me mind, from looking at blokes in the dressing room when I was 15 and feeling guilty to Katie's situation. He told me there were two possible options: or I was gay or I was bisexual. But...'
'But what?'
'I could feel it, even if its kinda stupid. I knew the truth'
'Its not stupid'
'I knew that gay sex was me future' he said with a chuckle.
Everytime the word sex gone through his lips, me stomach decided to bounce; I did me best to disguise it and giggled too. 1000 questions were still floating through me mind.
'Anything else?'
'Lots'
'Go ahead' he said while picking up the bottle again.
'This one is a bit.... Awkward? I'm not sure if I should ask it'
Jamie nodded as his hands made their way to me neck. His fingers were so gentle I almost sinked into them and let it all go to hell.
'What about your first time? Wif a man, I mean'
He looked at me wide-eyed. I quickly apologized for me question.
'No, its okay, It just got me unprepared. I never thought you'd get interested in this part'
'You are me' ugh 'best friend, I got curious about it'
He smiled while spreading a bit more of product in me chest.
'I had a brief relationship in 2011 wif a dude called Andrew. He was a funny, good-looking guy, but he was terrible wif people in general. Very rude, I would say'
'Oh..'
I don't think I was ready for that.
'I approached the subject in a saturday night and we ended up doing it that day. Some hours later, we broke up cause I didn't share me fucking piece of toast wif him and he told me to stick it up me ass'
Oh.
I told him that I was sorry, trying to be nice about the way his relationship ended, even if I was glad it didn't work out. Me Cookie deserves the best partner in the world, I could say, but I would be lying: I want him to be mine, and I'm quite a disaster.
He smiled at me. 'Its alright, its been a long time. And I fink I never loved him for real'
'I have a last one, and its the absolutely worse. You don't need to answer it'
'Okay...'
'Jamie, hm... Are you a top or a bottom?'
'Christ, you want the details, huh?'
I do, actually. I closed my eyes in embarass.
'I'm a top. But I've tried both'
You could try me, it would be nice. In this moment only, I noticed he wasn't touching me anymore; I opened me eyes in time to catch him gazing at me. I love you was all I could form in me troubled mind. His voice pulled me out of me thoughts.
'You what?'
I narrowed me eyebrows. 'I didn't say anything'
'Yes, you did. You just whispered somthin and I couldn't hear clearly enough'
Oh no, please tell me I didn't say it out loud.
'W-What did you hear?'
'Somthin around "I love you", but what did you say?'
For fuck's sake, Alexander. I should throw meself from some bloody window or maybe cut me own throat to see if I can arrange a quicker death than the one i'm facing now. Bloody hell, bloody hell, bloody hell.
But thinking it through, its better than keeping it to meself, right?
Is it?
I don't even fucking know anymore.
As his hand reached me shoulder, probably trying to catch me attention, I rushed to get up and create some space between both of us. Being too close is not going to help at all. I looked outside the glass, to the stars reflected in me pool, while I could hear the chair moving and slow steps towards me direction.
'Al?'
I kept in silence, cause I really didnt know what to say.
'Alex?'
I felt him getting closer and closer without even moving me eyes. His bare presence in the room was enough to keep all my senses in its maximum power. 'Al, come on'
'Can you get me a cup of water?' I murmured as my gaze finally met his.
'What?' He seemed slightly disappointed, and i'm not sure why. 'Ah, of course'
Probably by the situation I was in, I almost forgot me sickness for some minutes. Now, the vertigo sensation took control of me body and I could feel my legs weakening as I walked to the couch. I sat down and, even if me temperature was way cooler, the effects from the sunstroke were still haunting me.
I could feel drops of sweat coming down me forehead. That's a good sign, it means me body is cooling more, so I managed to calm meself and only lay in there, breathing a bit heavier than usual. I only lifted me head when Jamie sat by me side and handed me the glass. He brought his hand to my face and, even if the room was dark, I could see how worried he got. 'Fuck, Al, its getting worse again. We should go to the hospital'
'No, i don't want any doctor around me'
'You can die from a bloody heatstroke, Alex. I'm not putting your life at risk'
'I'm not dying. Its even getting better, look, I'm sweating, that's a good thing'
He seemed unconviced. Jamie got up and turned the fan on, looking for another towel after it; he reappeared some seconds later, kneeling and placing the cold wet fabric in me face, as his other hand was caressing me arm. I could see in his eyes the troubled thoughts he was facing, and I could practically hear the engines of his mind working, concentration reflected on the blue of his iris.
'Do you have any thermomether at home?'
'I fink I do, in the bathroom'
He nodded and stood up, throwing the towel on the dinner table, seeming a bit angry. When Jamie got back and sat next to me, placing the object on me tongue, he sighed so loudly that i took it as a sign that yes, he might be angry. I waited till the thermomether bipped.
'Eh, thank God. Its 38° Celsius. You're recovering already' he smiled.
'Its true' I said without taking my eyes off him.
'I should trust you more of-'
'No, i'm talking about before. I really whispered that'
His grin turned into confusion. 'What?'
'I was actually thinking about it, I didn't meant to say it'
'Y-You love me?'
I nodded.
'But you're straight'. His voice was miserably audible.
'Not anymore, apparently'
'Quit the nonsense, Al. Why the hell would you love me?'
'Are you crazy? Look at yourself, Jameh!'.
Me heart was beating frenetically as he blinked twice. 'I don't get it' he murmured, furrowing his eyebrows. 'You've everything I'm looking for' I said in a low tone, cursing internally for being so cheesy. 'But I'm a man', 'It doesn't fucking matter'. I wondered. 'Actually, it matters, cause I love you for every part of your being'
He stared at me for incessant minutes; each second that runned away, my heart would beat faster, our silent would feel heavier. In a rush, he stood up and walked towards the kitchen, and then to the bathroom, and then to my room, finally deciding for walking around the seetee, shooting me a lost-puppy look from time to time. I could laugh at his state but mine is not better at all, wif the beats of my heart as loud as atomic bombs.
Jamie abruptly stopped in front of me, tucking a wild blond wave behind his ear while drowning in the wreck of his own thoughts. I should've never said that, for fuck's sake, just look at him, its so painfully obvious he would never feel any atraction for m-
'Fookin hell, Alex'
I felt me heart going up me throat, almost jumping out of me mouth.
'Yes?'
'How's that even possible?'
'I don't know, Jameh'
He sat down by me side, his knee rubbing against me own, gazing at me; more delicate than a blow of wind, he brought his hand closer and held mine between his fingers. The glass I was holding wif my other hand almost shattered on the ground as me muscles turned out useless.
'That's...', Jamie blinked, 'Kind of unbelievable'
'Oh but you better believe me, I just confessed two absurd things for you, I hope for an decent answer'
He nodded with a laugh and, before I could process his acts, he pressed his lips on mine. Without giving me mind the chance to do anything logical, I kissed him back, desperately, hungrily, passionately, receiving what he had to give me; he leaned back to breathe, but in the second he opened his mouth to say something, I swallowed the invisible words again, my hands grabbing the back of his neck, my thoughts in Jamie and somewhere else at the same time.
Alright, Alex, calm down.
I broke the kiss and gulped for air before speaking. 'I'm sorry'.
He furrowed his eyebrows, 'About what? I kissed you first'
'Yeah, but I overstepped the line. Forgive me, I wasn't thinking straight'
'No, you were thinking gay, and that's not a problem cause I was too'
I looked at him in disbelief, 'That pun was terrible'
'I know, sorry, I was just trying to make you smile'
I sinked onto the couch with a sigh, lifting my head to meet his eyes, a dumb smile on his face; i could help but do the same. 'There you go'
'Why in the heavens would you kiss me, Jameh?'
'Its a better answer, isn't it?'
'The best that crossed me mind. The most impossible one, too'
Now that everything is quite fucked up, I grew the guts to ask him.
'Jamie?'
'Yeah?'
'Do you love me?'
'No'
Ouch. That hurt.
A lot.
Fuck.
I felt his hand cupping my jaw and, even if I wanted to, I couldn't bring myself to look away.
'But baby I'm willing to start'