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Every inch of skin felt like it was on fire and ice cold at the same time. Taemin could feel every fibre of the blanket touching his body, hear nothing except the pounding, racing beat of his heart. His vision was swimming, eyes unable to keep the focus on the television in front of him. The light weight of his t-shirt on his chest felt constricting, felt like the collar was pulling tightly around the base of his neck. It was awful. Excruciating.
He clenched his fists under the cover of the blanket, squeezing so tightly that his fingernails dug grooves into the palms of his hands. Anything to try to ground himself. His moved his head away from the others and squeezed his eyes closed as tight as he possibly could, willing everything to disappear.
I can’t…
Please…
Too much…
He couldn’t hear Minho’s shouting about the football game, he didn’t react when Kibum started to bicker with him over his enthusiasm. He didn’t notice Jonghyun getting up to get a snack, didn’t feel the shift in the couch when Jinki collapsed onto the couch next to him.
I can’t do it…
Stop, please…
“Taem? You good?” Jinki asked, eyes suddenly blown wide. He had no sooner sat down to relax than noticed the youngest next to him was shaking, hiding his face away, every muscle Jinki could see pulled tight.
Taemin didn’t hear him. He was too busy trying to will the thoughts away, trying to get any sort of oxygen into his body. He knew he was breathing, but it didn’t feel like the air was getting to his lungs. His chest hurt and his legs shifted involuntarily.
“Taemin?”
No reply.
Jinki shifted closer and Taemin whimpered, shifting himself closer to the edge of the couch, eyes still shut tightly.
Too much…
“Taemin? What’s going on?” Onew froze. “Will you two cut it out?” he quickly turned to the two arguing boys, who immediately stopped at the tone of their leader, their own gaze now drawn to Taemin.
“T-Taemin?” Minho took in the sight of the maknae curled into himself, quivering, squeezed into the corner of the couch.
“Please, what’s going on?” Jinki said softly, concerned.
“What’s going on?” Jonghyun had re-entered the room, bowl of cereal in hand and mouth half-full, confused at the sudden silence.
“I-I don’t know, Taemin’s shaking and he won’t talk,” Onew’s own heart was starting to race now. This wasn’t right, something was wrong, and he couldn’t put his finger on what.
“Hyung… hyung, I think I know, wait.” Jonghyun put his cereal down and pulled Jinki back away from Taemin. “I… He might be having a panic attack. My friend in school used to have them.”
“Panic attack? What… what do we do?” Key asked, worry shaking his voice.
Make it stop… please
Can’t breathe…
I can’t do it…
“I… I don’t really know. I think it’s different for everyone. But he probably doesn’t want to be touched,” Jonghyun was desperately trying to think of anything he knew.
“Taemin… Taemin can you hear us? Please, we want to help you,” Jinki pleaded quietly.
Finally they got some sort of response from the youngest.
He whimpered quietly, “Help…”
All four boys’ hearts broke. They’d never heard Taemin sound so small and… scared. Terrified.
“We want to, Taem, we do. We don’t know how to help you, what can we do?”
I can’t do this…
Hot…
Help, please…
“Hot…” Taemin managed to stutter out.
“OK, ok, let me get this blanket off you,” Jinki slowly shifted toward Taemin and very gently grabbed the blanket, peeling it away from the younger. As he pulled it away he could see just how tense Taemin was. His hands were around his ankles, squeezing as hard as he could to the point that his fingernails had carved little half-moons into his skin.
Key had grabbed Jonghyun’s arm and pulled him onto the couch next to him. None of them could take their eyes off their maknae. They had never, ever seen him this way.
“Is that better? What else can we do? Anything, Taemin,” Jinki tried to keep his voice leveled and calm.
Scared…
I can’t do it…
Can’t breathe…
“Hyung…” Taemin whined. He couldn’t sort through the thoughts racing around in his head to form any coherent ideas of what would help.
“Breathe, Taemin. We’re all here, we’re going to help you, try to take deep breaths,” Jinki turned to Jonghyun, lowering his voice, “I don’t know what to do.”
“I-I don’t…”
Minho had pulled out his phone, quickly typing into the web browser ‘how to help someone having a panic attack’. “Hyung, it says you should just remind him it’s going to pass, give him something else to focus on.”
Jinki’s expression still had concern written all over it as he turned back to Taemin. It hurt to see him like this. “Taemin, listen. You’re going to get through this, okay? It’s not going to last forever, you can do this, yeah? We’re all here for you, just keep breathing.”
Taemin attempted a nod. His head felt foggy. Jinki’s voice was only just cutting its way through the cloud. He felt like he was underwater. He tried to force himself to focus on his breaths.
“You can do it, Taeminie, that’s it. If there’s anything you need, tell me.”
Just want it to stop…
Too much…
Key could feel tears prickling at the corners of his eyes as he watched Taemin’s chest rise and fall quickly, forcefully. He hated this. He hated seeing Taemin like this. He was fiercely protective of those close to him, and not being able to help when Taemin was in such a state was the worst feeling in the world.
Jonghyun shuffled away from Key and Minho and up to Jinki’s side, squeezing his shoulder, “You’re doing well hyung, he’s not shaking as much now.”
Jinki nodded, not taking his eyes off Taemin. Jonghyun was right, his shaking had subsided a little and a few of his muscles were starting to relax. “Keep trying Taeminie, you can do it, we believe in you. It’s almost over.”
Taemin was trying so hard. Forcing his lungs to take slow, deep breaths. The fog, the strain, the fear, it was dispersing now. Coming in waves, brief reprieves in between. Moments when he could think clearly and respond to what the members asked before the wave would crash over his head again and felt underwater again, trapped. But the breaks got longer, eventually. Between Jonghyun and Jinki they talked him through it, telling him to breathe, getting him to focus on other things in between, distracting his brain.
“Taeminie, how many photos are on the wall over there?”
“Six,” Taemin would respond quietly after counting them.
“Right. How about those trophies there? Can you remember what they were for?”
“Music Bank. MCountdown. Inkigayo.”
“I didn’t think you’d remember that, well done. Um… how… uhh…”
Jonghyun jumped in, “How many times did I fall over at practice today?”
“Three.”
“Almost! Four, one when you weren’t looking, thankfully, it wasn’t very graceful.”
“Keep breathing, Taemin, you’re doing great.”
“Taemin, when we went to the store earlier, how many packets of Pepero did Minho sneak into the basket?”
Taemin stifled a smirk, it hadn’t just been Minho, “Seven.”
The questioning was helping. It forced him to think of something else, use other parts of his brain that weren’t in fight-or-flight mode. His breathing felt almost normal now.
“Taeminie, do you want a drink?” Minho asked between the questions as they could see the younger calming.
Taemin nodded, and Minho dutifully raced off to grab a water bottle.
“Is there anything else we can do to help you Taemin? How are you feeling?” Key asked. He felt like he’d been frozen for the last 10 minutes, unable to do anything but watch and worry.
“I…I think… I’m almost okay now.”
“You did well, Taemin, we’re proud of you,” Onew looked down to see his own hands quivering slightly and quickly snapped them shut. It had shaken him quite a bit to see their youngest so scared and upset.
“Here, Taeminie, just take small sips for now,” Minho had reappeared, offering a water bottle to Taemin.
“Thanks, hyung,” Taemin gladly took some little sips of the water, his throat dry from all the deep breathing.
“So Taemin, is there something that caused you to have a panic attack? Is that what that was?” Jonghyun asked gently.
“Nothing caused it. I’ve… I’ve been having them for a while. It just… it came out of nowhere. That happens sometimes. It usually happens if I’m stressed or tired or I feel sick but tonight it just… happened.”
“Taeminie, you need to tell us if something like this is happening. It’s not okay to keep it from us. We’re here to help,” Jinki lightly scolded but his tone was soft. Taemin knew he meant it.
“I’m… I’m sor-”
“No, no. Don’t say you’re sorry. We know you, we know why you didn’t tell us, you’re always worried that you’re bothering us, right? Taemin?” Jonghyun looked at him expectantly.
Taemin looked down, nodding slightly.
“Well let me be the first to say that you’re not. Don’t get me wrong, you can be annoying as hell, and we all drive eachother crazy sometimes. But with things like this, it’s not a burden, okay? We all look after eachother, if you ever feel like this again you need to tell one of us so we can do our best to help, no matter what. Understood?”
Taemin wasn’t being told off, necessarily. And Jonghyun’s tone wasn’t harsh, but his words and the way that he said them so certainly made tears prickle at Taemin’s eyes. He blinked them away and sniffed.
“Ya, don’t cry! We aren’t mad at you, Taemin, we were just really worried!” Key was worried that if the younger cried, he would too. If he cried, Minho would cry, then Jonghyun and Jinki would break too. They’d all look like a mess and he didn’t need that right now.
“I’m sor-”
“Don’t say it!” the other four chorused, which made them all laugh.