Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hajime never thought he’d get to experience heartbreak. He never thought he’d get his heart broken because he wasn’t like some of his friends, falling in love left and right, being infatuated with a new crush every month— the only person he ever loved was Tooru, and Tooru would never break his heart.

Or so he thought.

And yet here we was, at a stupid party his best friend begged him to come to, watching Oikawa make out with a random girl against a wall. 

“What the fuck?”

He can’t help it if he raised his voice, it was the only way to drown out the deafening sound of his heart breaking in two.

The couple jumps apart at the sudden shout, the hallway quiet and secluded in the big frat house, and Iwaizumi can feel his lungs filling up again when Oikawa’s hands leave her hips.

Iwaizumi was going to punch him, no he was going to kill him— how dare he? How dare Tooru make love to Iwaizumi for the first time just a few days before, chanting praises and words of love, only to go and betray him now? 

How dare he touch her with the very same hands he used to frame Hajime’s face when he told him he loved him?

Except that when Oikawa turns around, searches for Iwaizumi’s eyes, he doesn’t look ashamed or embarrassed at being caught red-handed, he looks surprised and… concerned? 

“Iwa-chan? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

What’s wrong? Iwaizumi splutters for a second, the few beers he had swirling with the broken pieces of his heart in his stomach, making him feel sick and foggy and miserable.

“Do you know him?” The girl asks gently, and Iwaizumi tries really hard not to hate her but her lipstick is still staining Oikawa’s lips.

“Yeah, sorry love, I’ve got to go.”

Hajime wants to scream at him not to call her love, not to ever call anybody else any pet names but him; he considerably calms down when Oikawa doesn’t spare the girl a second glance and turns to him instead. He puts both hands on Iwaizumi’s cheeks, trying to establish eye contact but Iwaizumi averts his gaze, doesn’t want him to see the tears he can’t fight back.

“Iwa-chan, are you okay?”

No, he’s not fucking okay, and he should push Tooru away, should get his dirty hands away from his face but he can’t, the long fingers slipping in his hair the only reason his breathing is staying level.

“I don’t— No, why did you, I—“ When Iwaizumi glances above Oikawa’s shoulder, remembering the world around them, the taller man lets go of his face to tug on his hand.

“Let’s get you somewhere quiet.” Oikawa says before leading him to an empty bedroom, locking the door behind them.

Iwaizumi looks around, takes in the posters on the wall, “Whose room is that?”

“Who cares.” Tooru drags him to the bed and Iwaizumi follows without thinking. 

Oikawa sits in front of him, a leg tucked under him before he runs cool hands on Iwaizumi’s face, pushing his hair back, wiping the tear tracks off his cheeks. “Iwa-chan, tell me, what happened? Are you okay?”

Iwaizumi is so lost, why is this dumbass acting as if he didn’t do anything wrong? What was happening here? He was sure he didn’t dream of their night together, the hundred messages to his group chat and the marks lingering on his back were proof of that, so what the hell was Tooru playing at?

“You were kissing someone.” Iwaizumi states slowly, tone as disdainful as he ever used it with his best friend.

Oikawa’s hands halt on his face, his perfect eyebrows pinching down. “Hm, yes?” Oh god. “I tend to do that at parties.”

“I know that.” He spits back, leaning back so that Tooru’s hands fall in between them. “But how can you do that now that—”

Fuck him, why did Hajime had to spell it out?

“How could you do that to me?” He hates how wobbly his voice sounds but when Oikawa’s frown clears, understanding clouding his eyes, Iwaizumi hates what he sees even more.

Oh god no. 

“Hajime.” Don’t use my name, don’t look so sorry, oh god. “I— I’m so sorry, I thought we were on the same page I didn’t realize—“ Oh he can’t breathe. “I don’t want us to date, you’re my best friend, the other night it was just—“

“Don’t.” Don’t say it, don’t break my heart a second time, that would kill me. 

“Iwa-chan, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you thought—“

It hurts to swallow, to look down, to fucking blink. “You said you loved me.” 

Oikawa squeezes his hand. “And I do, I love you, you know I do, just— not like this.”

Iwaizumi was going to be sick, but how would he puke anyway? He couldn’t move. He thought he’d been hurt before, he had been, but that pain, the one twisting his stomach and nailing his throat— he never got close to feeling that way before.

He needs to get away, he needs to break down somewhere Tooru couldn’t see him, needs to be as far away from him as possible to get the damage under control. 

“Hajime?” Oikawa’s voice is trembling too now and it makes Iwaizumi’s eyes snap up to his face. In all their years of friendship, Iwaizumi has rarely seen him like this, so open and vulnerable, unsure of himself, and his first instinct is to reach out, to hug him— but how could he? “I’m so sorry, we should have talked about it, I just really thought we were on the same pag—“

“I’m in love with you.” Oikawa merely blinks at the outburst. “We’re not on the same page, because I’m in love with you, have been for years.”

It’s not as if Iwaizumi was expecting a big reaction at his confession, because he had been convinced Oikawa knew, just like everybody else around them. He simply believed it took Tooru longer to catch on to his own feelings, he always had some issues with those since they were kids, he thought that whenever the secret would be out, Oikawa’s response would be as easy as it’s ever been between them. He expected a ‘I’m in love with you too Iwa-chan’, expected a kiss, a playful shove or an embrace, anything but that terrified look.

Iwaizumi can’t take that look, can’t deal with the knowledge he’s been alone all those years, thinking they had something, thinking he had found his person, only to realize he wasn’t good enough to be loved like this.

“Iwa-chan, wait, don’t go.” Tooru grabs his arm when he stands up, but it’s easy to shrug him off. “I didn’t know, I swear I didn’t know or I wouldn’t have—“

“It’s fine.” It’s really not, Iwaizumi has never felt so worthless. “It’s fine, I should have told you before we— It’s not your fault.”

He starts to walk, but Oikawa clutches the back of his shirt. “Wait, where are you going? We have to talk about this.”

“We will.” Will they? He’s not sure. “But right now I need— I need a second, I need to think.” He makes the mistake of looking back at Oikawa’s face, of seeing the tears matching his. “And you need to think too, let’s just take some time and— think.”

He keeps his eyes resolutely on the door as Oikawa sniffles. “Okay, alright, sure.” He’s silent for a few seconds but his fingers are still tightly gripping Hajime’s shirt so he waits with the little patience he has left. Finally Oikawa asks, his voice small. “Are you coming home tonight?”

Home, he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to feel at home in their apartment anymore, not when he has to face the couch they had sex on every time he walks in.

He gently grabs Oikawa’s wrist, his friend frees him, white knuckles shaking. Iwaizumi makes it all the way to the door without turning around, reaches for the handle and opens it before he talks over his shoulder. 

“Don’t wait for me.”

-

The sobs won’t come when he’s walking down the empty streets, the music from the party fading in the background, they don’t come either when he texts his friends, asking if their poker night is still going and when Kuroo tells him to grab some beers on his way there, he doesn’t let the tears win as the cashier is doing small talk.

He gets to Daichi and Suga’s place in an half-hour he needed, his eyes now dry, he got his hand off his throat, he can breathe again. He rings the doorbell.

It’s Kiyoko who opens the door, a little smile on her face as she takes the drinks off Iwaizumi’s hands and ushers him in. At the table in the middle of the room Kuroo is in the middle of trying to prove Suga cheated while Daichi puts a protective arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders, Bokuto laughing so hard at Suga’s smug face he’s falling off his chair.

Okay, he feels better already. 

Iwaizumi fist bumps Kenma, Yachi and Hinata on the couch where they’re playing Mario Kart, then heads to the kitchen to press a kiss to Akaashi’s cheek where he’s chatting with Asahi.

As Asahi grins and pulls him into a hug, keeping him there longer than necessary as always, Iwaizumi curses himself. To think he really let Oikawa beg him into going to that random party he knew nobody at, when he could have been here instead— love really turned him into an idiot.

When Kiyoko hands him a beer, she tilts her head, eyes soft with worry, “Are you okay Hajime?”

He nods, lips tight and turns around before she can ask more.

By the time he sits at the table, the earlier quarrel is forgotten and Akaashi is sitting in Bokuto’s lap, the guy’s arms hugging his slim waist. Iwaizumi looks away, picking up the cards Suga dealt him instead. 

But of course after saying hi the first thing Kuroo does is tease, “ So, how did the party go with your boyfriend?”

His friend is only teasing, Iwaizumi knows that, but there’s a lump in his throat all the same as Daichi tosses some chips onto the pile. Everybody’s chatting, doing their own thing, there’s some music being played from the kitchen mixing with the Mario Kart frantic themes into a horrible symphony and yet Iwaizumi feels like everybody can hear him loud and clear when he responds curtly, “The party sucked, and Tooru’s not my boyfriend.”

He can just feel every pair of eyes in the room turning on him, Kiyoko is frozen where she was about to toss her cards, Asahi nearly falls from where he was leaning against the back of the couch. Kuroo himself stills, his glass halfway to his lips.

It’s Daichi, whose fingers dropped from Suga’s hair at the news, that breaks the silence. “What do you mean? Did you guys break up?”

Iwaizumi focuses on his cards— he could have a flush, they’re not that bad, he rearranges them as he talks, “More like we were never dating in the first place.”

One more word and his voice would have broken, he’s sure of it. 

“What?” Suga whispers from across the table.

Iwaizumi shrugs but he can’t meet any of their eyes right now. “Turns out he doesn’t like me like that, so, yeah.”

Kenma pauses the game, and now the whole thing turns awkward and Iwaizumi wishes they could just laugh it off. They all know how important it is for him though, so no one is cracking a joke.

After a minute, Bokuto sounds choked up when he says, “Bro…”

That gets Iwaizumi to laugh, albeit wetly and suddenly there are two pairs of arms around him. 

“I’m so sorry Iwaizumi.” Asahi says in his hair.

“It’s going to be okay.” Akaashi mumbles in his neck. 

Iwaizumi doesn’t mind crying in front of his friends, he’s not ashamed and they would never think any less of him, but as he pats his friends on the back, he weirdly doesn’t feel like sobbing, only a few tears slipping out.

“Guys I’m fine, really, it was just a misunderstanding.”

“But still—“ Hinata starts before Daichi gently cuts him off.

“Come with us for a sec.”

Enveloped in a three person hug, Iwaizumi didn’t even realize Kuroo and Daichi stood up. He follows them on the balcony without even thinking of protesting. 

When they sit on the ground side by side Kuroo pushes a full glass of something in his hands while Daichi drops an arm around his shoulders. 

He’s sandwiched in between his two friends when Daichi starts, “We’re sorry for pushing you to shoot your shot so hard.”

“We really thought he was in love with you.” Kuroo adds, nudging Hajime’s hand until he takes a sip.

The music and chatter is back up inside, and Iwaizumi welcomes the white noise as he lets his head fall back against Daichi’s arm. 

“I really thought so too.” When he takes a deep breath and downs the glass in a few gulps, Daichi gets a bottle from behind his back and fills it right back up. The alcohol is burning his throat on the way down, but he’ll take that instead of the burning of unshed tears any day.

Kuroo kisses his temple, the smacking sound loud in the night. “Either way, it’s not your fault, you know that right?”

When Iwaizumi swallows and keeps his mouth closed as he stares at the liquid sloshing in his cup, Kuroo leans down to catch his eye.

“Hajime, I’m serious, I know it sucks that Oikawa doesn’t love you back,” Wow, it hurts to hear it out loud. “but there’s nothing you could have done to make it any different, people can’t control their feelings and you’ve been nothing but loving to him throughout the years.”

“He’s right.” Daichi shakes him a bit. “You’re amazing, you don’t need to change one thing about yourself, okay? No what-ifs, you did nothing wrong.”

He lets their words sink in, trying as hard as he can to believe them. 

“I should have confessed before.” His voice is so tight, Kuroo snuggles closer.

“It wouldn’t have changed anything Hajime, trust me.” Daichi reasons.

“I just—“ Okay, the tears were back, but now he also couldn’t breathe. “I just really love him and—“ Kuroo wipes his cheek off but it’s useless, tears flowing steadily now. “And I don’t think I can just go back to being his friend you know, I—“

Fuck, he has to gasp some air in, Daichi taking the glass out of his hands when he sees how they’re trembling. 

“It’s okay. You don’t have to be his friend if you don’t want to, you don’t have to force yourself.” Kuroo says as he rubs his arm.

“But then,” He’s hiccuping, tears and snot mixing on his chin. “but then if I can’t be his friend, I— I lose him.”

His friends can’t deny that fact, instead they mumble gentle truths until Iwaizumi stops hyperventilating. “You’re going to be okay.”

“It’s going to be hard but we’ll be here.”

“Don’t worry, you’re not alone.”

“We love you.”

It takes a good ten minutes for Iwaizumi to stop the waterworks. Red-faced and wiping off his face with his sleeves, there’s only one thought circling though his mind. “God, I really wish he loved me back.”

“I know.” His friends respond simultaneously.

Kuroo hands him his drink back and Iwaizumi downs it with a grimace, heart in pieces and yet somehow still aching.

 -

That night after the door closes behind Bokuto (who cried and sadly repeated ‘bro’ in his chest for half an hour) Iwaizumi heaves a sigh. It’s only Kuroo, Kiyoko, Suga and Daichi left, his closest friends, and Iwaizumi knows they’re probably going to spend the night talking— he welcomes the distraction with open arms.

“You know,” Suga starts as they clean the table, glancing at Daichi before he continues. “We have a spare bedroom here.”

Iwaizumi did know that, because he helped his friends move in last year as roommates, only for them to dramatically confess to each other on new year’s eve, what used to be Suga’s bedroom now long since turned into a guest room. Ugh, Iwaizumi hated love.

“And if you feel like you don’t wanna go home, you can totally stay here. For tonight, or even until your lease is up.”

Oh. Hajime stops where he was opening another beer— how many did he have? 

That wasn’t the point, the point was that Suga just offered him to move in. 

Of course Iwaizumi thought about it even as his brain felt like jelly, a couple days ago he was picturing his best friend and him turning one of their bedrooms into an office, today he was trying to figure out a way to survive living with him. Because there was no way Iwaizumi could afford to rent a new apartment without breaking his lease and then Oikawa would have to look for another roommate if he didn’t want to be kicked out.

Iwaizumi turns to Daichi, “Would you be okay with that?”

“Who do you think suggested it?” His friend smiles, ruffling his hair as he walks by. Iwaizumi half-heartedly pushes his arm away.

Koushi shrugs, “You don’t have to but we’re just saying. That way you could keep paying your landlord, Tooru wouldn’t be fucked and you could stay here for free.”

“I couldn’t stay for free though, I’d pay a third—“

“Don’t.” Suga rolls his eyes. “Just accept our help you idiot.”

When Iwaizumi turns wide eyes to Kuroo, the latter puts his hands up— yeah, you didn’t question Suga.

“Alright.” He says. “I’ll think about it.”

-

The next afternoon, they’re nursing their hangover on the couch when Suga’s phone rings. 

“Yep?” He answers, his feet in Daichi’s lap as Kuroo cooks them some food with Kiyoko. 

Iwaizumi is criticizing his omelet making skills from where he’s leaning against the counter, Kiyoko laughing right along, when Suga says, “Yeah, he’s still here, he’s fine. Oh, uh, one sec babe.” He turns to the kitchen, his phone tucked in his chest. “Hajime, it’s Tooru.”

The chuckles turn into a throat being cleared.

“He wants to talk to you.”

Iwaizumi let his phone die last night for a reason, but it’s not as if he could hide from Tooru forever. He takes Suga’s phone and walks out onto the balcony, making sure the door is pushed closed after him. 

As he puts the phone to his ear he is grateful for the sun beating down on his arms, the shirt he borrowed from Daichi not nearly warm enough.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Oikawa’s voice is filled to the brim with relief. “Sorry for going through Koushi but I couldn’t reach you.”

“My phone died.” They both don’t mention how chargers exist. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine yeah, I just— How are you?”

There was no need to lie to his best friend. “I’ve been better.”

“Hm.” The line is silent for a beat before Tooru’s hesitant voice comes back. “Are you mad at me?”

“No.” He responds right away, sincere. “I’m not, you can’t control how you feel, I’m just—“ Heartbroken. “A little sad, I guess.”

“Yeah…” God, it was already so fucking awkward, Iwaizumi despises it all. “But, you know, it doesn’t have to change anything, we can totally just go back to being best friends, really.”

No, we can’t, Iwaizumi wants to say, and I don’t want to. 

He knows how this whole shit usually goes, someone confesses, gets rejected and they pretend like everything is fine, like nothing has changed, just for a chance to stay close. 

But fuck that.

Iwaizumi didn’t want to stay by Oikawa’s side if it meant seeing him getting into relationships, meeting his one night stands, just because he’d get to stay close to his best friend. It was fine before, when he was persuaded Oikawa and him would be endgame, but now?

It was too late, the pain wasn’t worth it, and Iwaizumi deserved better than a lifetime of watching.

“I won’t mention it again, we were drunk anyway so it’s not—“ When Oikawa keeps going on, Iwaizumi has to cut him off.

“I don’t want to talk about this on the phone, we’ll talk when I’m—“ Not home. “When I’m back.”

“Oh.” Oikawa’s voice was so tiny, so soft, so wrong. “Well, okay, when do you think— I mean, are you coming home today?”

Despite what he thought at first, Hajime owed him an explanation, a talk, but he isn’t sure he could give it right away. 

He grazes the chipping paint from the balcony’s railing with his nails as he takes a deep breath. Maybe Iwaizumi could give it a fresh coat of paint as a thank you to his friends for letting him crash. “Not today, maybe tomorrow? I just need some time.”

“Of course yes.” He closes his eyes, his best friend’s voice quavering. “I’ll be here whenever you decide to come back anyway.”

Fuck. “I know.”

He almost wishes they could have fought instead, that he would have punched Tooru when he found him with his tongue down that girl’s throat, it might make it all easier.

“Well.” Oikawa’s voice is choked up, the chirpy tone blatantly fake. “Whenever you’re ready Iwa-chan, I’ll be there. Stay safe.”

Why did he feel so selfish when all he was doing was looking out for himself?

“Yeah, you too.”

-

Oikawa and Iwaizumi didn’t feel awkward around each other, they never did. Not when they were five and their moms forced them to play together, nor when they were fourteen and Iwaizumi woke up from a sleepover with a weird tent in his pants— they weren’t awkward, because they fit perfectly together.

A couple days later, as Iwaizumi walks into his living room and finds Oikawa sitting on the couch, the air around them can only be defined as awkward.

“Oh hi Iwa-chan.” Oikawa takes the remote, muting the TV before settling back where he’s sitting cross-legged, tiny shorts, tight shirt and glasses on. 

Iwaizumi is immediately assaulted with images of that night, of the both of them play fighting on the couch like they did a thousand times before, of Oikawa wrapping his legs around Iwaizumi’s hips, of the loaded silence that followed, the frantic kisses it encouraged—

Yeah, no, Iwaizumi couldn’t pretend. No way.

“Hey.” His voice is hoarse already. “I’m going to go take a shower, be right back.”

Anything to get out of here, anything not to stare at Tooru’s worried while somehow relieved little smile. 

“Alright.” Oikawa answers when Hajime is already halfway to the bathroom.

God, this was bad, this was terrible.

Iwaizumi realized he was in love with his best friend their first year of uni, five years ago, on a random night where Oikawa fell asleep on his shoulder and Iwaizumi almost leaned down and kissed him before remembering they didn’t actually do that. 

It felt so right though, his heart tugging at his brain to do so. Hajime spent all night awake, gradually coming to the conclusion that he didn’t love Oikawa like a brother, but more like a future husband.

At first he didn’t think Tooru would ever love him back that way, he thought he ruined everything, doomed their friendship. He felt terrible and guilty about it all for a full year before he spilled his secret to Daichi and Kuroo, who then spent the whole night pointing out all the ways Oikawa obviously loved him back. 

Iwaizumi paid attention after that, noticed a hundred different things that convinced him: Tooru loved him back, even if he didn’t know it yet.

And Hajime didn’t want to confess first because he knew Tooru, better than anybody else, and he knew his stupid best friend would panic at the confession first before letting himself be influenced. Whatever his response might have been, Hajime knew it wouldn’t be genuine, but rather coerced out of Tooru by the fear of what being loved meant. 

Scrubbing his body clean in their shower today, eyeing Oikawa’s shampoo he could recognize the scent of in a second, Iwaizumi sighs at the glass door.

For years he thought it was only a question of time, that Oikawa would come to see his feelings for his best friend were deeper too, that they’d have an easy confession and would fall into each other’s arms as comfortably as they did everything else.

He was right about that last part at least, when Tooru initiated the first kiss that night, they didn’t have to talk, their hands and lips roaming without rhythm, without aim, appreciating and full of love. It had been easy, a little weird as sex between friends tended to be and not that great to be honest, as far as Hajime’s sex experiences went, but he didn’t care, because it was Tooru he had in his arms; it was Tooru whispering teasing nothings into his ear and it was the person he trusted the most in the world that bit possessive marks in his neck.

So, he was right, it had been easy.

Turns out it just didn’t mean the same for Oikawa.

Iwaizumi rinses his face off, reaching for his towel as he steps out and ignores the way Oikawa’s pink one was in a bundle on the floor instead of picking it up like he always did.

After days considering, Iwaizumi was sure of one thing: they couldn’t go back to the way it was before. 

He throws on some loose sweatpants and a shirt, then heads to the fridge, his mantra on repeat in his brain. “Want anything to drink?”

“No thanks.” Oikawa answers, muting the TV once again as Hajime makes his way to the couch with a glass of water. He falls into the cushions, takes a sip, and finally turns to his best friend.

God, even with bags under his eyes Oikawa just had to be that beautiful, uh?

The smile on his friend’s face is too tentative, Iwaizumi almost begs him to frown instead. “So, I wanted to apologize again Iwa-chan, I swear that if I knew what it meant to you, I would have never—“

“I know.” Iwaizumi tucks an ankle under his thigh, facing his roommate. “It’s not your fault, I shouldn’t have assumed that just because—“ He used to think they made love, but. “Just because we had sex doesn’t mean we’d be dating.”

Oikawa can’t really refute that, he bites his cheek, quietly stating the obvious, “We should have talked about it.”

“Yeah.”

Iwaizumi takes another sip of water, fights not to gulp down the whole thing, his heart beating too fast. How come his heart is still beating when he sure as hell knows it’s been broken?

“So, we could just talk it out, and then maybe we’ll find some—“

“Tooru.” Iwaizumi cuts his bargaining off. “I wasn’t joking when I said I’m in love with you.”

“Oh.”

There goes Oikawa’s wishes to pretend it never happened, or that they were too drunk or some shit. 

Iwaizumi can’t look away from his fingers but Oikawa biting his lip isn’t hard to picture. “I’m so sorry Iwa-chan, I really wish I could— You know I love you right? Just… not like that.”

No need to repeat it, Hajime got it. “I know, I understand. I don’t blame you.”

“Okay so, maybe we could just keep our distances for a bit, I’ll stop flirting with you and like— annoying you and you take all the time you need—“

“Tooru…”

“It’s okay, I won’t bother you and I won’t bring anybody home, I won’t date either, you’ll just say the word when you’re ready and we can go back to—“

“Tooru.” 

When they make eye contact, Oikawa finally shuts up. Iwaizumi couldn’t bear to hear more of it, more of the plan his best friend clearly spent the last couple days crafting without knowing Hajime would tear it all down in a second. 

“No.”

“What do you mean ‘no’?” There’s a nervous chuckle hidden under there, but Iwaizumi has to be selfish, he has to.

“I mean no, we can’t do this.” The faked smile finally vanishes. “We can’t just pretend, I— I don’t want us to.”

“So that’s it?” Of course Oikawa’s first reaction would be anger, frustration. “We’ve been friends for literally decades, and you give up on me just because I made a tiny mistake?” 

Tooru didn’t get it at all. “This has nothing to do with what you’ve done—“

Oikawa is too upset to listen, his mouth in a thin line, pink lips disappearing. “I told you, I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you honestly, you’ve got to know that!”

“I know!”

“Then why are you punishing me? Can’t we just go back to how it was?”

The tears were coming already, Iwaizumi clutches the glass between his fingers. He makes sure his voice is clear and steady when he says, “Tooru, I confessed to you, we had sex, I thought we were dating—“

“So what? You didn’t act any different, after that night we had sex, we acted the same—”

“And don’t you think that’s weird?” He cuts the grass from under his best friend’s foot, Oikawa’s mouth left hanging open. “Don’t you think it’s strange that we act like a married couple all the time, uh? I acted the same because that’s what I want, this with you, that’s what I want.”

“But…” Iwaizumi forces his fingers to unclench, scared the glass will crack at Oikawa’s confused tone. “But that’s not love.”

Please, repeat it again and again, go ahead, stomp on my stupid shattered heart. “I know that’s not the type of love you feel.” Iwaizumi grits his teeth. “I know, but that’s what I want, that’s what I need actually, I can’t settle for anything else.”

Oikawa sighs, dropping against the back on the couch with a hand thrown over the back of his neck. He looks so pretty and sad it’s killing Hajime, the smitten part of his brain telling him to stay, to take anything Tooru is ready to give him just to stay here, by his side, where he used to feel the most loved. 

“Happy to know you think our friendship would be you settling.” Tooru mumbles after a few seconds, all petulant and hurt.

“God, that is not what I meant and you know it—“

“I don’t get it. You said you’ve been in love with me for years, you were okay with it for so long, and now you can’t take it anymore?”

The tears are easier to will away when Oikawa’s tone is so snappy. “I told you, we had sex and—“

“Ugh.” Groaning, Oikawa fists a hand in his hair. “This again! I swear if I could change it I never would have had sex with you.”

Oh. Well that hurt a fuck ton more than anticipated.

Granted their night together wasn’t the best, Iwaizumi knows that, he might be an idiot he’s not delusional but still. When Oikawa peppered kissed all over his face, panting, moaning, and told him he was the hottest man he’s ever seen, Iwaizumi believed him, clung onto the words and sweet gestures; and when Hajime laughed as Oikawa fumbled with the condom for too long and dropped it, letting out without planning to how much he loved Tooru, he meant it, with every fiber of his being. 

And now Oikawa wished for it to have never happened, the love they shared, beyond platonic.

Wow. How many times could a heart break?

“Iwa-chan?”

Oikawa’s concern is evident, but if Iwaizumi talks right now he’ll burst into sobs, so he shakes his head and keeps his eyes on his thighs. God dammit it hurt so hard, everything, his throat, his eyes, his head, his chest, stomach— what the fuck was happening to him?

He doubles over, and Oikawa’s hand in-between his shoulder blades should make him feel worse, right? Because Tooru is literally the reason he’s fighting bile in his mouth right now, so why is his touch easing everything so nicely?

It was so fucking unfair.

“Are you okay hon?”

“Don’t call me that.” Iwaizumi spits with some difficulty, only him would fight through retching just to be petty. 

A sigh from his best friend. “Alright, but are you okay?”

“I’m fine." 

I’m not, I hate you but I love you so much and I hate myself for loving you. 

“You know I just said this because, like, I don’t want things to change between us, right? I don’t actually regret what we did that night, it was—“

“Please don’t.”

“It was great.” Fuck. “I just wish it didn’t mean we’d come to this, I’d do anything to have what we had back.”

Yeah well, Iwaizumi could relate to that, but what-ifs were good for nothing and no-one. Iwaizumi clears his throat but it doesn’t help with the tightness of it. “It’s too late for that.”

When Oikawa takes the empty glass and sets it on the coffee table, Iwaizumi stays limp, even letting Tooru link their fingers together, only for the way it makes the knot in his stomach magically disappear.

“Don’t say stuff like that, Iwa-chan, you know you and I it’s forever—“

“Fuck Tooru, stop it.” He unhooks their fingers, burying his face in his hands. “Just— stop it, I can’t, and you can’t ask me to try.” That was a lie, his voice trembles. “Please don’t ask me to try.”

“But Hajime—“

“It’s over, for real, Tooru I can’t look at you without feeling like shit, I know it’s not your fault but, fuck, it ain’t mine either and—“ The first sob is out and he can feel Oikawa becoming incredibly tense next to him. “Please, just let me go.”

“But maybe—“

“Tooru for god sake—“

“Listen to me.” The desperate tilt to his voice makes Iwaizumi choke on another sob. “Iwa-chan listen to me, we don’t have to do this, we could— We could start dating, for real, we could just date, maybe with time I’d fall in love with you too and then—“

“Oh my god.” Hajime whispers, mortified. “Oh my god, you’re pitying me.”

“I’m not!” Oikawa cries out, voice breaking.

“You so are, god, you think I’m so pathetic you’d pity date me— fuck, Tooru listen to yourself. Have some respect, for yourself, for me, for all those years we had, we can’t ruin it like this. You don’t love me, fine, but don’t pity me.”

“I’m not- this is not, no—“ When Iwaizumi scoffs, disbelieving and pained, Oikawa grabs his wrists to take his hands off his face. He didn’t need to see Oikawa crying to feel bad. “I’m not pitying you Hajime, never, I’m just, I’m trying to salvage this, to save us and find a way for us to—“ He ends in a whisper, “I’ll give you everything you need, anything you want, just, don’t go.” Oh fuck. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Hajime fight with all he has not to say you already did, because that would only be mean right now but fuck if it isn’t the truth.

 -

They end up talking for hours, early into the morning, because no matter how many times Hajime tells him he can’t do this, Tooru doesn’t seem to believe or accept it. 

All the solutions Oikawa suggests are dead ends: they could cut contact for some time, even a year, he said, and then come back to each other? But how would that work? Iwaizumi was convinced, despite everything, that Tooru was his soulmate, how would a year of waiting around help? 

They could try to date, he reiterated, they could stay friends, they could do a hundred things— they could, yeah, but Hajime doesn’t want to.

He doesn’t want to force a relationship on Oikawa he doesn’t want, and he can’t put himself through waiting on the side.

When Oikawa finally stops fighting, he breaks down, sobbing into Iwaizumi’s neck. At first Tooru’s hitting his chest, insults flying in the living room, then he’s clutching at his shirt and begging before he just lays there, tears flowing but body spent; and Hajime strokes his back through it all, murmuring all the reassuring words he can think of in soft hair.

Iwaizumi doesn’t go to bed that night, instead he slips away from under Tooru’s body, packs his bags and leaves before he wakes up.

-

It’s inevitable they see each other, of course, and it’s not as if Iwaizumi never wanted to see Oikawa ever again or anything— but living with the guy and being his best friend might have been too much. So they run into each other on campus, sometimes meet at get togethers and parties, Oikawa always looks delighted to see him, big smiles and cheering, hugs and kisses. Hajime entertains him, offering his usual dry responses back, never mentioning how fake Oikawa sounds, how forced his attitude obviously is.

And it’s all fine. It’s not great, but Iwaizumi feels like his heart isn’t being torn in tiny pieces anymore so, score.

It’s only a couple months later they fuck up— and oh god, has it only been two months?

Iwaizumi is trying to move on, moving on means trying not to have every little thing he does plagued with thoughts of Oikawa encrusted in it all.

Moving on means not checking for cakes when he’s at the bakery so he doesn’t end up like a moron on the sidewalk with a pastry way too sugary for him to stomach because he forgot he couldn’t bring it back home to Tooru anymore, it means that when he sees a sequel for a movie Oikawa liked is coming out soon he shouldn’t turn to his left to tell him, only to find it empty. 

His best friend is everywhere, after twenty years spent together, it’s inevitable. It’s hard, and a little pathetic, but Iwaizumi is really trying to move on.

That’s why tonight he’s at a party thrown by that Sakusa guy where apparently half the campus gathered, he spotted Noya and Suga doing keg stands, Kiyoko and Tanaka arm wrestling in the living room and of course Oikawa is present too, in the middle of a circle as everybody watches him talk. 

Iwaizumi rolls his eyes at the display, but he can’t blame them, Oikawa is mesmerizing.

When Iwaizumi grabs a beer and turns around to spot Wakatoshi all alone in a corner of the room, he reflexively wants to head the opposite way, because that’s what Tooru would have told him to do. But that was the thing, he needed to move on, to make his own decisions, not to live his life according to Oikawa’s demands and needs. 

So he marches on over to Wakatoshi.

Because Wakatoshi never actually did anything to them, Oikawa was just a drama queen, and Iwaizumi wasn’t exactly worried about the guy’s opinion of him, who cared what he thought? But it still didn’t sit with him right how he always ignored Ushijima simply because Oikawa had some weird, unfounded vendetta against him.

When Iwaizumi gets close, Ushijima glances at him from the corner of his eye, before frowning and doing a double take. Hajime leans against the wall next to him, gaze fixed on the party goers dancing as Wakatoshi sips on a red solo cup. 

After a minute, Iwaizumi chances, “Hey.”

And Wakatoshi takes a second to consider, silent and unmoving, before he responds, “Good evening.”

As simple as that, they start chatting.

-

Later that night, Iwaizumi feels like an idiot. Because, yeah, Ushijima was quite cold and arrogant, sure, but so were Iwaizumi and Oikawa respectively. Wakatoshi was, for lack of better words, a nice dude, and so Iwaizumi felt like a jerk for ignoring him all these years.

The taller man is in the middle of telling Iwaizumi about his plants, which is wholesome, when he cracks a joke, a pun about flowers that is so lame Iwaizumi actually barks out a laugh before he can stop it, setting a hand on the guy’s shoulder as he leans forward. Iwaizumi quickly covers his mouth, surprised at the chuckles himself, then Wakatoshi is shifting closer to whisper in his ear because of the music. 

The man is confessing, all serious and guilty, that this is not his joke but rather his boyfriend’s Tendou and that sends Iwaizumi into another fit.

That’s when there’s a hand suddenly yanking Hajime back and a shrill voice filling the air next to them.

“What the fuck?” Oikawa is shrieking, looking all kinds of hurt.

Iwaizumi’s smile drops and he gulps, hating the joy invading his chest at Oikawa’s mere attention. Wakatoshi tries to greet him, “Good evening Oikawa, how—“

But Tooru isn’t listening, never really is listening to Ushijima anyway, instead dragging Iwaizumi away. The latter glances behind his shoulder as he lets Oikawa lead him, sending an apologetic smile at Wakatoshi, who nods back with the tiniest tilt to his lips.

Hajime only tugs his arm away when they’re locked in a very clean bathroom on the second floor. 

“What’s wrong with you?” He grumbles.

“What's wrong with me? What’s wrong with you Hajime?” God, he missed the nicknames so much. “How could you?”

Rolling his eyes, Iwaizumi leans against the sink as he folds his arms on his chest. “Wakatoshi is a nice guy, I know you hate him for some reason but it doesn’t mean I can’t talk to him.”

“Oh so what, now you’re just flirting with the guy right in front of me? Because he’s nice?”

Iwaizumi frowns, this isn’t about him fraternizing with the enemy or some shit? “What the heck are you saying? We weren’t flirting, he was just telling me about his plan—“ 

“Oh please.” Oikawa scoffs, he’s clearly more than tipsy, uneven on his feet. “I know what you look like when you’re flirting, alright? You were all smiling and laughing and you touched his arm—“

“I wasn’t flirting!” Iwaizumi interjects, voice rising.

“How can you say you’re in love with me and then go and flirt with Wakatoshi of all people? I can’t believe—“

Oikawa keeps on whining, his angry pout jutting his lips out in a way that’s too distracting and Iwaizumi is about to interrupt him again before he realizes—

“And you never laugh or smile, so why would you give him your smiles, uh? He doesn’t deserve—“

“So what if I was?”

“Uh?” Oikawa blinks down at him.

“So what if I was flirting with him?” Iwaizumi repeats, enunciating every word for Tooru’s inebriated mind to process.

“I—“ 

A beat passes where neither of them move. 

Then Oikawa exhales, hard, expression lost. “Fuck, I don’t know.”

“What?”

“I don’t know I— You’re right.” Tooru takes a step back, Iwaizumi kicks out the thought begging him to get closer. “You’re right, what if you’re flirting? Why am I… Why am I so upset?”

“Tooru.” Iwaizumi calls when his friend only stares at the washing machine, looking genuinely confused and disoriented. “It’s fine, it’s okay, you—“

“No, no it’s not.” Oikawa mumbles, eyes still unfocused. “What right do I have to get angry? I- I rejected you, so why do I feel so— mad?”

There’s no way Hajime is letting his hopes get up, trusting this to be jealousy. If Tooru is jealous it’s simply because they didn’t have a proper discussion in weeks and Oikawa hates Wakatoshi, nothing more.

“I’m so sorry Iwa-chan I- I mean, Hajime, fuck, I’m sorry just— Never mind.”

When Oikawa struggles with the lock Iwaizumi doesn’t stop him, and when his best friend flees down the stairs, he doesn’t follow him, even though his patched up heart is screaming at him to.

-

When Suga comes home a week later, he’s cursing at the doormat for ‘tripping him’. Daichi gives a little amused smile to Iwaizumi from where he’s doing the dishes, handing them to his new roommate to dry. 

Koushi was out with Tooru all night, as they tended to do on Saturdays, and more often than not this ended with a copious amount of alcohol being ingurgitated under the excuse of colorful cocktails.

“Dai! Hajime!” Suga yells, just before he appears in the kitchen’s doorway and spots them. “Oh thank god, you’re here.” He barely gives Daichi a look — weird — and comes up to Iwaizumi to shake his shoulders. “Hajime.”

At his friend’s serious tone, Iwaizumi sets the pan he had in his hand down, suddenly worried. 

“What’s wrong?” Daichi asks as he cuts off the sink.

His boyfriend ignores him, staggering as he repeats Iwaizumi’s name. “Tooru is an idiot, an idiot who has a fucked up vision of love and a lot of trauma.”

After Suga stops there, Iwaizumi slowly admits, not really understanding where Suga is trying to get at, “I know that…”

“No, no you don’t—“ Suga’s hand bats the air. “You don’t understand, Tooru loves you.”

Not this again. 

Iwaizumi lets out a breath, trying to turn away. “I know he does, he loves me very much, just not in that way, and that’s fine—“

“No but that’s the thing!” Suga forces him to face him again with strong, unrelenting hands. “He does love you that way.”

And just like that, Iwaizumi’s heart clenches again, around grief and hope and confusion because what the hell is Koushi talking about?

Even Daichi takes a step forward at this, putting a hand on the small of his boyfriend’s back. “Koushi, don’t, what are you saying?”

Suga gapes at them both. “No but I’m serious! Listen!” His determination alone keeps Iwaizumi’s mouth closed. “Tooru, he thinks being in love is like, this life-changing feeling where you can’t breathe and you can’t talk and it’s love at first sight and, and—“ His hand flails around again, nearly hitting Daichi in the face. “He has this idea about love his mom and shitty books planted in his head and he doesn’t think— he doesn’t know love can be comfortable and, and warmth and quiet and home and—“ 

Suga suddenly cuts himself off to grab Daichi’s face, his boyfriend opening wide, surprised eyes at the impromptu gesture. “God you know I love you so much, right?” A kiss. “Did I tell you how much I love you today?”

“Uhm, well, no but—” Daichi’s turning red and Suga plants a second kiss on his cheek before focusing back on Iwaizumi.

“Anyway, it’s not that Tooru isn’t in love with you, it’s just that he doesn’t realize he is.” That seemed a little too good to be true. “You know how he is, he thinks he’s entitled to everyone’s attention, but he doesn’t actually believe he deserves like, real love. Especially with everything that happened with his parents and— well, you know more about this than I do so.”

“Tooru is old enough to know how he feels Suga, you can’t put a name on his feelings—“

“I know that.” The silver-haired guy whines, stomping his foot. “Trust me, I know and I’m not, he- he’s the one who rambled about it all for hours, okay? And he is— he’s heartbroken Iwa.”

Uh. Heartbroken. 

Oikawa heartbroken over him? It didn’t seem impossible, but it was wrong, Oikawa shouldn’t ever have to feel that way when Hajime was so in love with him. 

It was true that his parents’ divorce hit Oikawa hard back in their last year of middle school, he was shaken to the core, not ready to accept it for a second because the Oikawas weren’t the type of couple everybody knew was going to divorce one day or another. They were in love, properly so too, and always displayed that love obnoxiously everywhere they went. 

Until Tooru’s dad found his wife cheating and left without another look back. Then his mom spent years trying to justify herself, telling Tooru that the guy she had cheated with and had been dating ever since then was her soulmate, that she never meant to hurt his father but when love at first sight happened, you were defenseless to it.

“Iwa, I swear, you have to talk to him, like— really talk to him.”

As everybody knew, Suga wasn’t to be questioned, ever.

-

He knocks on the wooden door the next evening and it feels surreal, knocking on the door he used to kick open with arms full of groceries, Oikawa yapping about whatever in his back.

It only takes four deep breaths for Oikawa to open the door. 

He’s wearing one of Hajime’s sweatshirts he left behind, the thing too short on him, showing off his stomach and wrists. Iwaizumi grits his teeth on the fifth breath in.

“Hi.” Oikawa pushes his glasses up his nose.

“Hi. Can I—“ Iwaizumi shuffles his feet. “Could we talk?”

Looking entirely too defeated, Oikawa shrugs, sniffling before he invites him in with a quiet voice. Tooru always used to study on the couch but today he doesn’t even glance at it as he beelines for their living room table where a few textbooks are spread open.

“Want some tea?”

“No thanks.”

They sit down across from each other and the silence is tempting them for a few seconds, none of them strong enough to break it first.

Until Oikawa sighs, taking off his glasses to run a hand down his face. They click as he tosses them on the table.

“I’m so lost Iwa-chan.”

Hearing the nickname again, the one he’s so used to he never thought he’d lose, is enough to untie the knot in Hajime’s guts, to let him breathe without counting.

“It’s okay.” Iwaizumi says, keeping his eyes on Tooru’s twisted features even if he won’t make eye contact. “It’s okay, you must be feeling a lot of stuff.”

“I just—“ He licks his lips, inhales sharply. “I am feeling a lot and I have no fucking clue what it means.”

What would Iwaizumi give to know all of those feelings, to figure out how to make them grow so that Oikawa never feels heartbroken again.

“Well I can’t give you an answer for that but, how about…” Hajime clears his throat. “How about I tell you about how I feel, and what it means to me.”

Finally Oikawa dares to meet his gaze and it’s no surprise to see tears in his eyes, but it still makes Iwaizumi’s throat bubble up. With Tooru’s eyes flying all over his face like this, he feels even more exposed than that time they had sex.

With a nod, Tooru agrees and then Hajime has no choice but to bare his heart once again. Must be really ugly by now, with all those scars, but Iwaizumi still hopes Oikawa will take it, it’s beating for him after all.

“I realized I was in love with you that time we watched Spiderman on the couch in a blanket fort.” Oikawa’s shaky exhale is loud in the kitchen, Iwaizumi keeps going. “You bitched about wanting to watch that movie for weeks, guilted me to buy your favorite snacks on the way home and bullied me into building that fort with you, we put the movie on and half an hour in you’re snoring on my shoulder.” He can’t keep his leg from bouncing up and down. “Like I knew you would, like I told you.”

“It was finals week, I was tired.” Oikawa offers pitifully, tone quiet.

“Yeah you were, and yet I mentioned I was really excited to watch that sequel two years before and you remembered, you put everything on hold to watch it with me. You added my favorite snacks to your ridiculous grocery list, you wanted to build that fort cause it was raining and you know how I get with storms.”

There’s nothing for Oikawa to say, so he stays silent. It’s okay, Iwaizumi isn’t asking anyway, he knows.

“And so that night after you fell asleep I paused the movie, I smiled like an idiot and when I looked down at you all I wanted to do was kiss you.” Tooru’s eyebrows quirk up, Iwaizumi snorts. “Yeah it surprised me too.”

The tension seems to fizzle down as Oikawa huffs, playing with the mug of tea sitting in front of him.

“But at the same time, it wasn’t surprising at all.” The mug stops moving. “You’ve always been— special to me. I just never realized it was that kind of special.”

Iwaizumi can see his best-friend’s throat bopping from the other side of the table, his hands itch for something to do, anything to make it all better. The worst part is that he knows exactly what to do, he would hug him and run a hand down Tooru’s back, easing all that tension, would bury his fingers in his hair and scratch his scalp right above his nape, right where it gets him sleepy and shivering.

“But,” Oikawa straightens back up, eyes resolute on the table. “you’ve dated other people, you’ve loved other people, so how can I…”

“I’ve loved other people, yeah.” Hajime admits. “But I wasn’t in love with them.”

Tooru looks so confused when he cocks his head, “Is there a difference?”

Another beat of silence surrounds them. “Yeah. For me at least, there is.”

They look at each other, unmoving for an instant too long before Iwaizumi has to avert his eyes. 

“Listen Tooru, I can’t tell you how you feel, I can’t promise you anything and I don’t know everything, but what I do know is that you’re the most important person to me. You’re the first person I want to tell when I have good news and you’re the person I want the advice of when I have a problem, you make me smile just by being you and I’ve—“ This one hurts. “And I’ve never felt as loved as I do when I’m with you.”

The tears are back, they make everything blurry enough that Iwaizumi can keep going.

“And I know you’re scared and you’re lost, but you’ve got to know that I’ll always love you, right? You’ll always be the one for me, my best friend, my first love, my last, the person that drives me insane, the person I look up to, you make me laugh and you make me proud— you’re everything, you’re everything and all to me.”

He lets the tears fall, can make out similar ones rolling off Tooru’s face and wipes his cheeks off. 

There it was. His heart was once again in high waters, exposed and fragile, but this time Oikawa couldn’t ignore it or fumble, he had to do something with it, even if that something was tearing it right back up, picking at all the scars until it came apart once again. 

But Tooru’s hands are shaking too hard around his mug to do anything, even cradle it tenderly, as he tries to speak through the emotions fighting in his throat.

“B-but what if one day I’m not anymore?” A hiccup as Iwaizumi’s heart twitches. “Wha-what if one day you meet someone and you— you fall for them?”

Iwaizumi stares at Oikawa’s fingers, at his bit off nails, can’t handle the sadness and fear on his face right now. He reaches out and strokes the love of his life’s knuckles with a gentle finger; Oikawa’s sniveling doesn’t calm, but he grips Hajime’s hand as if it was going to be gone the next second.

A second heart just joined Iwaizumi’s, exposed and vulnerable.

“Tooru.” Blue meets brown. “We’re not your parents.”

A broken sob is punched out of Oikawa’s open mouth, Iwaizumi squeezes his hand.

“We’re not your parents.” He repeats and Oikawa curls on himself. “I can’t promise you the future, but I can swear I would never betray you like this.”

Putting into words what he was feeling has never been Iwaizumi’s strong suit but today as Tooru cries and shakes and tries to calm down, he wishes for the first time in his life that he was good at it, that he could make Tooru understand how hard he fell for him, how deep he’s in.

“I know—“ Stupid words, why couldn’t he find any? “I know you think falling in love is this big incredible thing but, but when you think about it, it was.” 

His sentences are clumsy and he doesn’t know where he’s going with this but Oikawa quiets and listens, head back up, and that’s all that matters. 

“What do you mean?” He whispers in between two ragged breaths.

“Well, when you think about it, it was love at first sight for us, right? We were just lucky enough to meet so young.”

Tooru’s frown isn’t worried or confused, it’s pensive. Iwaizumi feels bolder.

“I mean, our moms did tell us you were hugging me like five minutes after we met. And the craziest part is that I let you.”

It was Oikawa’s favorite story to tell, how when they first met as toddlers he was hugging Iwaizumi within minutes, how Hajime’s mom cringed at first, ready to scold her son for being rude and pushing away a new friend but no— little grumpy Hajime had accepted the hug from local terror Oikawa with a scowl and it stayed that way ever since.

“I’ll never love someone as easy as I love you.” Oikawa’s eyes snap back to his face at the confession but Hajime just shrugs, his heart is beating steadily. “Being in love with you is such a big part of me but it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”

Upon decades spent by each other’s side, Iwaizumi likes to think there’s nothing Oikawa could do that would surprise him anymore. 

He was wrong.

When Oikawa’s red and blotchy face stuck in a grimace clears out to bloom into a sudden smile, Hajime wasn’t expecting it. And when Oikawa outright laughs, sound so light and a little hysterical, Iwaizumi doesn’t dare move. But the worst is when Tooru gets up, wipes his face off and blows some air out of his lungs before looking back at Hajime still frozen in his seat.

“God Iwa-chan.” Oikawa chuckles in disbelief, hands on his hips. “I really am in love with you, aren’t I?”

His heart is tingling as Hajime’s mouth falls open. 

A grin appears on his face to mirror Tooru’s.

“Well, took you long enough.”

Maybe Hajime’s heart was never broken, and maybe Tooru’s wasn’t either, maybe they were simply missing a piece.