Work Text:
Dear Steve,
I know I never told you. I always knew I could never tell you. All this knowledge doesn't make my heart break less. The way you smile at her and laugh, makes my heart break more and more. It feels like it is crumbling more and more and just falling apart slowly, with every time I see your eyes sparkle when you see her. It feels like I am dying inside.
Nothing can change this pain, I know it is bullshit but it feels like it will never go away. I will put my heart back together but one piece will always belong to you. No matter how small it is or if it gets overshadowed by other love, I don't think I can forget the way we talked, laughed and I just felt so comfortable. I know I can never stop loving you and you won't even know about it. I always told myself it is fine that you will never know. I really wanted to believe myself.
I would give everything to stand this close to you and make you smile like she does, but I know I can't and now I realize I never will. I don't know if she is the perfect person for you, I just know that I am not and that she is definitely closer than me. It feels like I would only be a small unimportant story in your book but you would always be the one I dedicate my book of life to.
You are my soulmate, my missing piece but I realize it is not about completing one another but to make a big picture. I can see that she is your yellow, your sun, everything that you need. I can't be any of that and you could probably never be my yellow or my sun because you wouldn't be happy but you will always be my favorite color and more bright than all the stars in the sky. You were the guiding light in the darkest night and it doesn't matter that I am in complete darkness now.
The way you kiss her and the way it breaks me inside is nothing compared to the smile you have right afterwards. I can't deny that seeing this makes me want to scream and cry like a mad man, but I know that you are happy makes me realize that all of this is not about me. It was never about me, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
You hold her like she is the most precious thing in the world and I always wanted to give the world to you, I realize you found your world and it is her. She is the only person that could make you happy like that and I want to scream because I cannot be that person, I could never make you smile this bright or make you laugh out of pure happiness, without any joke.
I feel terrible for wanting you to be with me, for not feeling that light-hearted, for the fact that I just want you for me. I can't look away from your carefree love, even when it feels like everything inside me is clenching and I just want to reach out to both of you. For you to realize you are actually imagining me. I know it is not true, but it could have been true, I just didn't want to destroy anything. It just isn't possible in this life, in this world. In the end this idea destroyed me because you never knew it would. I get angry at myself that the only time I practically want to scream out my love for you is when I see you happy with someone else. Not only someone else, but your someone, the person that makes your cheeks hurt from smiling and you couldn't bear to see hurt.
I can't deny the tears in my eyes and a few even on my cheek. There would be no use in denying that, I know exactly that even if I wiped them away there would be new ones to follow. No matter what I do, the way I'm torn inside is obvious. At the same time I can't stop myself from smiling. The way it hurts just makes me want to scream and cry in the rain, the way it would be in movies. It would be a sad moment but I realize that it was never meant to be that way. That everything I ever wished for is coming true. It was never about you being with me or never being with anyone, it was always about you being happy.
The bright sunlight around me is not nearly as bright as the pure overjoyed expression on both of your faces. I can't help but smile with you, I was never your light in the darkness, just someone that was fortunate enough to be confused in the dark with you, always wishing to guide you out of it. You never needed someone to guide you, just someone that would be the light you searched for.
I must be crazy to smile, while the pain in my chest gets worse and my eyes can’t stop watering. I might just be crazy the way I fell for you without ever wanting to get caught. Now it is time to finally crash. See that you never knew that you should catch me and maybe never would have even if you knew.
Once I told you I would always be there for you and I meant it. I still do. If you wanted I would come back to you, no matter what, forever. You just don't need it anymore, you don't need me anymore. I always thought of myself as the second choice, but I never was a choice in the first place.
My smile gets brighter and there is only one more tear left to cry because you are happy and that is all that matters. You didn't have to choose for you there was always only one choice and it was her. I don't know if I will ever be okay but as long as you are happy I am willing to pretend I don't die a little inside just seeing you with her. I am willing to be happy as long as you are.
Love Eddie, you might never know it but I thought about you and forever will.
-
Steve's hands grip the paper like his life depends on it and it might as well. He didn’t cry this whole time, he told himself he can’t. He needs to stay strong for the kids. You would think seeing so much death would make you immune to this feeling. The gut wrenching sadness. The incredible guilt for not saving everyone.
For the first time in a long time tears roll down his cheeks. His sobs sound like he is chocking and in this moment he would be fine with it. He just lost him. No matter what he feels or what he ever felt nothing will bring him back. He falls to his knees on the ground. Slowly the letter falls to the ground.
Steve grabs the vest Eddie gave him. It is in a strong grip, like he will never let it go. He won’t ever let it go, not like Steve let him go. He buries his face in it and for a moment he thinks he maybe can pretend like this doesn’t hurt as much. He tells himself that he would have never liked him back. They wouldn’t have worked out, that they could never have been happy together. He knows he is a liar.
He knows Eddie should be in his arms, should have always been. It hurts that Eddie will never know what happens in the future. What really hurts Steve is that Eddie will never know he was his yellow. His sunlight. His reason to smile. His happiness. Everything he wrote in his letter and more. He will always be but he will never know.