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Akito had compared looking at Toya to looking at the night sky at some point.
Not that he did either of those things often—the lights and the narrow spaces between buildings leave for only so much to see—but he'd imagine he's the living concept of it. He felt it, at least, back when he found Toya. Back in those days where all he knew was he'd finally found his partner, and neither of them would rest. Until they proved people what they're truly capable of; until it bit them back at the back of their minds like an angry dog, they wouldn't.
Well, he used to look a lot at Toya back then, now that he thinks about it. It's kind of embarrassing, actually, how many little details about him remained at the front of his thoughts. The little strands of dark blue hair that fall onto his nape where his hair parts (which he thought was dyed until Toya dropped the bomb that it was his natural hair, for some reason), the way stage lights framed him as they bid goodbye to the audience, like how his father would teach him to paint a starry sky when he was five. He probably really wasn't as slick as he thought when he bought that jacket with the words derMond printed on the back of it, as soon as his boss told him the German meaning.
(He's noticed he looks at his back a little too much. He imagines himself reaching out, chasing it.)
The thing that he mostly stares at, though, the thing that first comes to mind when the thought catches him off guard, are his eyes. Moon-colored, or something. It was Ena who gave the specific grey tint a name, for whatever it's worth. They did look a lot like little moons, though. With how piercing his gaze fell on him, how much it managed to light up the dark way along for him. If the rest of Toya were the backdrop of the sky at night, his eyes would be at the top of it all, illuminating everything below him.
This, of course, is amongst the things he'd rather die than catch himself admitting out loud. This, and the hundreds of self-imposed practice hours kept secret from Toya. Lying to his partner for this long never sat right with him, but the end justified the means, didn't they? Standing beside his partner was something that he'd have to work tirelessly for, just like every other thing in his life in which the curse of talent was placed upon him (or, the lack thereof). Chasing after someone's back is something he'd taken for granted for someone like him.
He sees his own eyes in Toya's, sometimes. If he stares for too long.
(The moon can't produce a light of its own—it can only reflect it.)
The familiar tune of one of RADder's songs rings onto his ears, specifically the part he cut to set as his ringtone, and is promptly woken up at a time he's not supposed to be awake at. A thin cable uncomfortably wraps his neck as he realizes he fell asleep wearing his earbuds (hanging on a string after a good 6-month run) again. Akito pats his pillow a few times before grabbing the damn phone waking him at an unholy hour in his hands. Did he set an alarm or something? It wasn't middle school anymore, good lord.
Unplugging his earbuds and untangling himself as best as he can, he turns on his phone, and squints at the brightness he swore he turned down before passing out. As his eyes get used to it, he sees it's currently 4:02 in the morning and there's 2 notifs on his lockscreen.
(3 missed calls)
Toya
Are you home?
Ah. It's just Toya. Akito lets his phone plop down beside him, sighing and closing his eyes from remaining sleepiness.
…What.
He jolts up his bed in record time, and trips on some CDs he left on the ground on the way to grab his curtains and check outside his window. Exactly as imagined (feared?), Toya is outside his house, phone in his hands. What the fuck.
Akito runs to his bed—more carefully this time—grabs his phone and taps on the messaging app notification, ready to type as soon as the keyboard appears onscreen.
Akito
Okay first of all. Good morning
Second
Can you please explain to me why thr fuck are you standing outside my house at 4 in the morning
The messages are read instantly. Toya starts typing from the other side soon after.
Toya
Good morning. 🙂
Put a coat on, it's very cold outside.
Completely ignored the question, that's good. Also, dude, that's not what that face means. Akito stares at the texts with a strange mix of exasperation and endearment. Alright, okay. No choice but to grab his jacket and head out the door. He types again, struggling a bit with sliding on a sleeve with one hand and holding his phone with the other.
Akito
No shit 🙄
Gimme a min
Dressed somewhat prepared for when cold hits, Akito steps as quietly as he can through the living room, puts on his shoes, and reaches for the front door to open it, finding Toya indeed waiting for him outside.
He doesn't smile, but his expression is nothing short of warm, despite the early morning cold. "Akito."
A yawn escapes Akito, unsuccessful at trying to contain it, and that's when he hears him smile; even catching the beginnings of a giggle. Asshole.
"Sorry about that. Did I wake you up?"
Now he looks kind of apologetic, so Akito's grumpiness eases up a little. Besides, he did need to know what the hell was up with the sudden escapade. "Yeah. I mean, 's not like I'm mad or anything. More than that, I'm kinda worried."
Toya looks confused for a second before it clicks. "Ah, no, it's… nothing with my father, if that's what you're worried about."
"Oh." It's not, huh. "Then..."
"Well, I was thinking… Mind going on a walk with me?"
Around 15 minutes should've passed from the way to the Shinonome household to the park they usually come to practice, talking idly (which mostly consisted of a back-and-forth of asking Toya "Did you actually get a good sleep? Tell me the truth," and Toya reassuring him, "I did. I'm alright, Akito. Don't worry about it," and, to be fair, sounded genuine enough), before they made their way to the familiar ground. Toya had plopped to the floor and patted the space beside him, prompting Akito to lay down with him, albeit hesitantly.
Soon he realizes it's been at least 2 minutes of them laying down doing absolutely nothing, and Akito decides okay, this is too damn awkward. He pats around his pockets in hopes of finding his pair of earbuds, only to remember he left them at home. Probably for the best.
Still, he wants to pry Toya a bit, and it might as well just be the perfect excuse. He breaks the silence. “Uh, you got spare earbuds?”
Toya turns his head slightly to look at him. "Not right now. Why?"
"Nah, just wanted your opinion on a song I'm thinking of performing with the rest." Not entirely a lie, but… "...And 's kinda quiet."
Toya's eyes soften, a small smile forming on his face. "You think so?" Akito's caught a bit off guard, but he nods. "Well, I'm enjoying it."
"Mm." Well, he would, wouldn't he. Anyway, to the point. "Why ask me this all of the sudden, by the way?”
He jolts a bit at this, and if Akito's not going crazy, his cheeks are tinting pink. He looks away though, but his voice, sheepishly spoken, is even harder to look over. "To be honest, um… I woke up quite early today, I guess."
He's really none the wiser, though, as he chuckles back at him. Soon, Akito falls back into their familiar, everyday exchanges. "And you had to wake me up too."
"I said I was sorry." There’s a smile in his voice, and he can confirm it's there when Toya looks back at him, looking at him just as warmly. "I suppose… I miss when we just hung out together, like this."
There it is. His cheeks warm up, his heartbeat rings in his ears. He's used to this feeling, and knows too well what it is. Akito's learned to embrace it, to bask in the feeling as much as he can while not saying a word. It's easy enough for him, so as long as he can still call Toya his partner.
Up until recently, though, another weird, almost sickly kind of sensation comes up. Right now, in fact—somehow, it's always around Toya. It's not like he hasn't at least guessed what it might be related to, but he refuses to let his mind dangle on it for too long, whatever it is. He won't allow it to boil to the point of it overflowing.
"Yeah," he manages to smiles back. "Me too, partner."
Their hands, placed upon the ground, are inches away from each other. He wonders if Toya feels the same pull of skin, like a magnet.
Akito pulls away before anything can happen, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Well, since we're here. Let's talk."
"Eh?" Toya looks distraught for a second. "About what, specifically?"
He shrugs. "Dunno, anything. Stuff I don't know about."
"Oh." He can feel Toya's eyes on him. Wait. Damnit, he shouldn't have said that, actually. "Should we start studying for your mid-terms, then?"
Akito cringes a bit. Yup, not happening. "Okay, you know what, let's talk about… uh…" His eyes wander around, hoping whatever he finds first works well enough to change the subject. He settles on the sky above him—getting sucked into it; on the piercing light of it—then decides it's good enough. "...The moon."
Toya shifts where he lays, now looking at the same spot, he hopes. "The moon… Ah, today's a full moon, isn't it?"
"Mhm. Been a while since I saw one like this."
"Yeah." Toya nods beside him, probably about to enter his walking encyiclopedia mode. "We only get around 12 a year, after all."
"Like for each month?"
"Exactly. The moon has various phases…"
And there he goes. Akito smiles to himself, brings his arms behind his head as a pillow, and gets comfortable as he listens to Toya talk. Half of what he says can't digest through his head, but he hums here and there to let Toya know he's listening.
It's like this, his frame against streetlights and the soft glow of the moon, that Akito stares once more, and lets his mind wander. He's absolutely not a stranger to his voice, nor the subtle expressions he makes as he rambles about something he loves and knows a shit ton about, yet it never fails to make Akito feel like he's been blessed. With the best partner, with the person he'd fight tooth and nail to be together with, and make his—their dream come true.
The sickly feeling crawls up once more, harder to ignore. How much longer can he keep up with him, until he's no longer beside him, not even within reaching distance?
"Oh, the moon didn't use to be this small either."
Akito pulls away again, from his own mind. "Huh. Was it bigger?"
"Something like that," he responds, pointing at the cosmic body. Akito was looking at his hand instead. "It's slowly orbiting away from earth. We don't notice, of course, but it's pulling away around four centimeters each year."
"...Why is that?"
Toya moves his hand away, and he's now facing the moon. Ugly, thorny feelings fog his mind, and whatever scientific explanation Toya is giving to him right now, he can't hear.
Having a shared dream was a blessing for Akito. But what goes after that, he pondered, clawing up the question from the depths of his barren self. What's after the end of that dream, after so many joint victories and crushing defeats and struggles and the home they've built for themselves? Would everything have ended, then? Would he be able to stand by Toya's side again? Would they have to stray away, would he have to see how Toya slowly pulls away from his orbit, away from view?
He looks at the moon, feeling it escape his hands, unreachable. He looks back at Toya, still talking, still bright.
No. Akito grips his hands into fists. From the moment they formed BAD DOGS, Akito refused to consider a future that Toya wasn't in.
And yet…
Akito grits his teeth, sits up, and makes up his mind. To hell with everything.
"...Akito?" Toya's voice is quiet, concerned. "You oka–"
"I'm in love with you, Toya."
The words roll out of his tongue, too easily, and just then he realizes how hard his heart is beating, how loud it panged against his chest amidst the buzzing of streetlights and cars in the distance. He turns for a moment, and Toya's there (Akito breathes. He's still there), leaning on both elbows. The face staring back at him is weirdly expressive, so unlike him he'd at least bear to laugh about it, if not for everything else. He stares too much into his eyes once again; freezing him in place, piercing. He can't keep looking.
Akito pretends to come back to his senses. "...Ugh, I knew this would get awkward."
"Eh?"
Damage control. Akito stands up and shakes off the dirt off his clothes from laying down. "It's getting late. I need to, uh, check if Ena's still staying up."
"Wait, Akito–"
"Forget what I said, yeah? Don't think about it too much, it's just something I said on impulse."
"Akito, listen to me…"
"You should get going too. Be careful with your old man–"
A good few steps away from him, he hears Toya stand up. "Can you– stop pushing me away from you and hear me properly?!"
Akito stills.
Toya only rarely raised his voice like this. He can count on his fingers the times he's done it, all the while going down memory lane on all the mistakes they've done; the ones they've moved on from, and the ones they have yet to address. Was he pulling away from Toya? The thing he fears most and can't admit to himself, why would he go out of his way to do that?
Turning around, Toya has regret written on his face. "I… I'm sorry, that was unnecessary."
(The answer, he knew. Buried underneath all the ugly truths about himself he's not ready to acknowledge.)
"No– Ack, I'm sorry," he's quick to apologize. "I said something extremely stupid."
"Don't apologize, Akito. Just…" Toya ponders for a moment, not daring to face him. His voice gets quieter, as Akito braces himself. "Did you mean that?"
The question hits him like a bucket of cold water, soaked in the reality of the situation. It's making him a bit dizzy, to be honest.
He didn't want this.
Gulping, he speaks up. "...Yup. I did."
"...W-Why?"
Because you're everything to me, Toya. Because you're going to a place where I can't reach you. You're probably there already, you're too dazzling. Because you're everything to me, he repeats to himself. Because I don't want to lose sight of you.
He says none of it. "Listen, you don't have to respond to… Any of that, at all, if you don't want to. Ugh, this is so stupid–"
"No! I–Ah…" Toya shoots up to look at him, full blown red reaching to the tip of his ears. "I'm… not entirely sure how I feel, to be honest with you."
That springs from the bottom of his stomach again. Akito pushes it down as much as he can. "Yeah, no, that's okay, really–"
"No, wait," his voice is clear, if not a little shaky. There's that look of determination despite all, the kind that Akito's always liked seeing blossom on his face, and grips at places he doesn't know what kind of emotions will spring up inside him. "There's… something I do feel I need to tell you. Can you hear me out?"
A beat of silence. If his heart jumps at the sudden hope, he hopes he can ignore it. "S-Sure. Uh, go ahead."
Toya fiddles with the straps of his pants, a habit of his Akito learned to notice over time, whenever Toya struggled to speak. It's familiar, so he clings to it. "I'm not sure how to put these feelings into words, but," he says, doubt on his features. But as soon as it dissipates, Toya sighs, then raises his voice again. "Ever since you found me that day, I've been slowly, constantly changing. A good kind of change," his voice softens as he continues. "Me being able to confront my father, It's because everyone was there. You were there."
His throat chokes up. Somewhere, deep within that ugly part of himself he hates so much, Akito prayed these words wouldn't be directed to him. And it's selfish of him, he's too damn aware. He'd been aware that Toya would one day be able to proudly say this, aware that he'd be able to finally soar past his self-imposed limits. Akito would be happy, so, so fucking proud of him. And then, fear would settle on him. Of Toya running straight ahead, of him stagnating in place.
"I'm not…" He lets out a choked sob, then laughs, breathy and ashamed. "Man, I wish I actually did something–"
"Don't devalue yourself like that." Toya affirms. "It's because you stood beside me, because you held me close that day," his breath hitches at the memory. It's so embarrassing, to have him say these kinds of this to him. If Toya really knew… "Because you showed me such a beautiful dream, believed in me and supported me till this point.”
"I'm completely, unequivocally sure of one thing," he says, raising his hand to where his heart beats, taking one, two steps towards him. If Toya knew, if he really knew how deeply engraved these feelings were inside him, whatever he's gonna say next, he… "I want to be by your side, Akito. Always."
Ah.
The air manages to leave his lungs, but knots his throat once more as soon as it does. It’s blurry all around him, he's too frozen up, too overwhelmed– the urge to punch a wall be damned. Toya's always been like this, after all. Too earnest, too pure-hearted for his own good. He really means all of this, regardless of if it made his own baggage worse or relieved it for at least another good while. Not like he'd know this, and he's still set on him never doing so, but…
"I'm… not sure if this is enough of a response for you, but…"
Somewhen, somehow, he's closed the space between them, and his forehead is resting against his shoulder. The wetness and the warmth pressing up against him is comfortable. Toya's not dumb, he knows he's being a little pathetic right now. But he can at least bear to show him a bit of that part of himself, at least this once.
"No, it–it is," Akito lets out, between choked sobs and his runny nose. God, of course it is. "It's more than enough."
There's no warm hands on his back, no comforting words. Just the vibration of Toya's throat as he hums, rests his head against him, their heartbeats, and his breath easing up on his lungs as his chest hitches occasionally. It's fine like this, isn't it. He never allowed himself to ask for more than this. Was this how Toya felt, he wondered. Back when he heard his heart, his truths and lies and the so, so stupid reasoning of why he had pulled away from him, barren out on that call with Ken-san, running frantically to meet him again.
Akito sighs—properly for once—and settles on resting his mind for a bit. They'll deal with the ups and downs of it, later. Like they always have.
They stand in silence for a while, and if Akito were allowed to be delusional one more time, he'd wish time could stop.
"Akito," Toya calls out, fortunately enough.
"Yeah?"
He can feel the words forming in his throat, then choking them back down. Akito turns his head a bit, as a little encouragement with how little he can do. Toya breathes in, then breathes out.
"Can you… kiss me?"
He almost jumps away from Toya. Well, he just did– hold on a second. What?
"...Hah?" he musters out, confused and embarrassed and what the hell is running through Toya's mind right now? Is he aware? He'd hit his head, right now, if his cheeks weren't suddenly burning and his brain allowed him to move.
Toya raises his hands apologetically. "I-It's complicated for me too! I thought… maybe it'd help to clear up my doubts."
That, well. Doesn't clear up anything for him, really. But Toya looks just as embarassed and hesitant as he does right now, probably. And that doesn't count for anything, but, maybe…
Regaining his composure—or, well, pretending to—Akito steps towards Toya. "Are– Are you sure of this?" he asks. He'd never refuse him, he doesn't think he'll ever, but he wants to make sure. "Toya, seriously, I don't want to make you feel forced to do anything–"
"Akito."
And he's looking at him again.
It hits him, like a piece of the late night sky fell down, and became the boy he's looking– gazing at right now. He really was the night, Akito thought. He held the moon so dearly into his eyes, it’s almost like he could touch it, even if just a little bit, into his hands. They shine, too—was Akito bright enough to reflect that light onto him?
(He wasn't, he knows this much. But maybe, he ponders. If he could only be the moon instead, and reflect the dazzling brightness Toya already shone onto him.
He can only dream of such a thing.)
Akito's not sure what to do with his hands, so lays them at his sides. He's also cursed with short legs and not at an ideal kissing length, so he tiptoes. Just a bit. He's probably looking the dumbest he's ever looked right now but Toya is mirroring him, in a way. It's funny, kind of cute, honestly. It eases him up a bit. Should he tilt his head? Well, whatever. His face is already inches away from Toya and he's closing his eyes, so he does too– is this right? Were they ever right about anything at all?
The veil of the moonlight wraps around them, and finally closes the gap.
…It really only lasts like, 2 seconds, but the memory of Toya's lips onto his brushes over him like a ghost. They were… soft, surprisingly so. Also very cold. He opens his eyes to find Toya is also slowly opening his.
This, honestly, wasn't at all how Akito had imagined their first kiss. Well– to be honest, he'd never even allow himself to dream about it. He'd thought of the times he was close to drawing him into one mid-gig, at the vending machine while An and Kohane weren't there, or at the school library trying not to fall asleep while Toya does his committee work, but never came to be.
Well, screw them all. Akito's good, his heart is full. The only thing right now is…
Toya's… frozen up.
Fuck, that can't be good. He's quick to leave his trance, immediately replaced with concern. Akito brings his hands to his shoulders, one about to touch his cheeks, until Toya blinks, and a tear falls down. "Ah…"
Fuck. Toya seems to pull a bit away from him, but Akito's too panicked to let him. His grip strengthens as Toya brings his arms to his face, wiping his tears. "O-Oi, Toya, are you crying?!"
But he giggles, warm and bubbly and contradicting whatever Akito had first assumed. "I-I'm fine…"
"Don't just–!" He spouts, then steps back, hands still on his shoulders, a bit more relaxed. This guy is gonna be the end of him. Sighing a little, he continues. "Don't start laughing then crying like that out of nowhere, dumbass…"
"No, it's just…" He sniffs, then places his own hands on Akito's shoulders. He's looking right at him again—so fond, so happy. "Perhaps I might've been in love with you too all along, Akito."
The moon smiles back at him.
And he's really none the wiser, as the muscles on his cheeks contract into an idiotic smile. However Akito fell for him, however Toya realized he did too, they're on the same page again. However long this lasts…
Toya's still smiling, but his face falls at the sudden silence. "...Akito–"
"C'mere, you!"
Toya yelps as Akito pushes him and tackles him to the ground, cupping his face as soon as he recovers from impact, and presses kisses all over Toya's face. Like painting little stars on his face, like framing the moon right at the top of the sky. Toya's laugh rings in his ears, and he earnestly can't name any sound more pleasant than it.
However long this lasts, Akito ponders. Until Toya was running ahead of him again—until Akito reaches his full limit and can't chase him further. The possibility still whispers onto the back of his head, too engraved into him.
Akito kisses Toya's forehead. He'll allow himself to trust his promise, this once.
(Toya had fallen asleep at dawn, using the crook of Akito's neck as a makeshift pillow. He has to stop himself from looking at his sleeping face, looking instead at the ray of sunlight come out from the gaps between trees and high buildings. The moon is probably looking at him from above, disappearing away into the blue of the sky.
He'll be fine. They'll be fine. No matter how far away Toya drifts, if they're at opposite ends of the world, Akito would have no choice but to chase after him. Akito would cross the atmosphere if that meant he'd find Toya there. They'd find each other again, and again; Akito has managed a thousand times before, he'll manage once more. As long as Toya is waiting for him, he'll manage.
Akito leans on Toya's head, watching the sun rise. For now, they can just rest like this.)