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Even four years later, it still hurts just the same.
One might think that eventually you can get used to losing those you love, those you hold dear. That eventually a certain kind of numbness settles in, which prepares a person for the next time it happens.. But the truth is, it only gets worse.
Each and every single time, it only gets worse.
xxx
The first time they meet, it doesn't take them long to be at each other's throats. First come side glances, open stares. Then snide remarks and finally insults are thrown each other's way. Neither of them are the kind that usually make a hustle. But as Jean would later claim, there was something in Eren's dumb eyes that set him off (he's lying, he fell for them the moment they landed on him, all wide and open and curious ) and Eren swears it's that cocky grin on the other boy's face that he's come to hate with a passion.
It's not the first and last time they latch onto each other, hands fisted into clothing, knuckles and mouths bruised and scraped until the skin on either breaks. Well-placed fists steal breaths, leave the other wheezing for air and plotting revenge, swinging and kicking to follow those plans.
They're a mess, acting like children and almost get thrown out of the academy numerous times.
xxx
Destiny has funny ways of making itself known, but so does karma.
There are countless tests and trials for the young adults. Jaeger pilots are rare these days; no matter how talented a person is, they cannot pilot those robots alone. They need a partner to share the neural load, to function at their best. Two minds so alike that they have no trouble connecting.
Jean drops the plastic bottle when he reads the list of names off of the screen showing the test results, spilling water everywhere. A quiet curse falls from his lips. Not because of the mess he's made but the sight of his greatest rival being listed as his most compatible drift partner. It surprises him. Shocks him.
“You've got to be kidding me. That's impossible.”
Then there's a mop of messy brown hair in his line of vision and his gaze drops to meet familiar eyes he still hasn't been able to pinpoint the colour of. Sometimes they seem green, then blue. It's like some weird mix, almost teal. What kind of person even has an eye colour that odd?
“Before you go on about insulting my father's work, I'd advise you to man the fuck up and get it over with.”
Anger is audible in those words – Eren's not happy with that choice either, but it's for the greater good. To save humanity and to save themselves.
xxx
<<Neural handshake initiating.>>
There's a hand on top of his head, ruffling his hair in an affectionate way. “No- Dad ah!” A child's embarrassed cry, mingled with laughter and then there's a female giggle from his right. He tries to peek up at his mother, but someone tugs at his sleeve and he turns away.
Neither is ready for the onslaught of memories that aren't their own, despite knowing that it's going to happen.
Brown eyes turn more worried when they glance down and meet his. Jean scoffs, quietly and turns away. He can't bear to look at his best friend; they both know what's most likely going to happen. Chances are high that they're never going to meet again. People die left and right in times like these. “Don't, Marco. My mind's made up. I'm going to the academy.”
Fleeting images, flashes of light and colours, each going by too fast to catch every detail of the specific memory.
“You need to stop staring at him. One might think you're obsessed.”
They're not allowed to linger, to focus on them.
Dark eyes and a red scarf. There's warmth in that cool stare, lips turned up into a smile.
Eren gasps quietly to his left. If it wasn't for that small sound, then Jean wouldn't hesitate to move on.
The Kaiju looks bigger when seen from a child's point of view. More terrifying.
It's only for a brief moment that he pays more attention to that specific memory, but it's long enough to catch a more detailed sight.
That red scarf is speckled with blood. It's all he has left.
The emotions that come hand in hand with the memories are something else entirely.
Eren is screaming.
When they emerge, Jean can't breathe and he doesn't understand why. He's not physically hurt and they're not his own memories, his own family ripped from him. It has only been a fleeting insight of the other's life so far, he's not allowed to linger in those memories after all - but everything is enough to leave him shaken to the core.
Faint voices call to inform them that the drift has been successful. That they're a match made in heaven, some of the most compatible pilots they've seen in a while. People are congratulating them, but all the young man can do is turn burning eyes up to his co-pilot and stare.
Eren hasn't cried in years but Jean's doing the weeping in his stead.
xxx
Sunlight catches in amber eyes before they glance away.
It's not the first time Eren thinks that Jean is kind of beautiful, but it doesn't reduce the anger he feels.
They haven't talked in over 48 hours and it's on his nerves. They're co-pilots, they share a room; it's not like they can avoid each other. It's not like Eren wants to avoid him. Why Jean is acting like this, Eren doesn't know, but he's certain it's for a ridiculous reason. It was bound to happen, that they'd see each other's lives, however briefly. Instead of taking it like the adult that he is, Jean has chosen not to talk to him and it makes Eren want to strangle him. He doesn't, however.
“Her name was Mikasa.”, he says instead and even though Jean doesn't acknowledge his words, doesn't make a sound or even glance at him, Eren knows he's listening. The change in his breathing gives him away.
“She's my sister. Died when the second Kaiju attacked.” Along with hundreds of other people, of course. Two years after the first Kaiju attack where his mother had been killed, but he's sure that Jean knows. Everyone knows. Dr Jäger's wife's death is what inspired him to work on the Jaegers and the pilot system, after all. Twelve years of hard work has led them to this point, fuelled by anger and grief.
“She was stronger than me, but I can still kick your ass into next week if you don't stop moping.”
xxx
They learn to accept each other's presence in their minds. It comes naturally, with being so compatible. But outside of the tests, outside of the machines, Jean tries to ignore Eren's presence as much as possible. Which doesn't come easy, they share a room and have similar schedules.
But what makes it even harder, is that Eren knows no boundaries. It's like he's made it his personal goal to push Jean until he breaks. It amuses every onlooker to no end – co-pilots are known to be closer than family, closer than best friends. Sometimes they're lovers, sometimes they aren't, but they are always something special.
Eren is indeed something special, when he puts so much effort into making his presence known at any given chance. He sings when he's in the shower, hums when he moves around in their shared room. Comments on the things that Jean does. Steals food off of his plate and pointedly stares into the taller's eyes when sticking the fork into his mouth, grinning like the cheshire cat, teal eyes sparkling with mischief.
Eventually, Jean gives in.
They no longer fight like they used to. Instead, it's teeth that break skin, lips that suck breaths right out of lungs. Hands grab clothes only to push the other into walls and hold him there until it's not enough. Clothes have to go, teeth click and tongues battle for dominance.
They've always fought to get the upper hand, neither willing to give in but eventually they do.
It's hard not to, after seeing his partner's memories and dreams, and feeling his thoughts more than hearing them. Besides, Eren has known that Jean jerks off to the thought of him from the first time their minds have touched. He still teases him about it; how Jean has tried to hide it from him and horribly failed from day one.
He no longer has to do that, Eren's more than willing to lend him a hand.
xxx
“What's it like?”
The voice of another pilot they've been friends with since the academy cuts through the noise of the dining hall and Eren's eyes find his. Connie's a good one, bit loud at times but he's got his heart in the right spot. Hasn't found a co-pilot yet, but some people never do. It doesn't surprise Eren that he wants details on sharing minds with another person, so he hums softly and sets his fork down. Turns his gaze to Jean, who's busy wolfing down his dinner.
“It feels like home .”
xxx
Jean's never the one to initiate affectionate touches. Whether it's a hug or sleepy cuddles in the morning, when they're awake before their alarm clock rings, it's always Eren who gives. As an only child with little to no friends, Jean's just not used to it. He flinches away when Eren drags fingers along the tattoo on his arm, warm and gentle, skin barely touching as he traces the pattern over and over again. There's no great story behind it, no matter how much the taller wants there to be one. A drunken foolishness, they both know it (how could Eren not), but Jean refuses to speak about it out loud.
There are complaints that it tickles and eventually Jean tries to push him away.
Jean doesn't mind as much when warm lips follows those wandering fingers.
xxx
They don't talk about it, the fear of losing one another.
It's a present one, that fear, when pilots all around them come and go. Friends and allies. The attacks come more frequently and the Jaegers aren't the only ones that evolve.
There's not much to talk about when your minds touch on a regular basis. Inside and outside of those robots, their minds are linked. Besides, the fear is evident in Eren's eyes seconds before he hides them under his helmet.
Jean's palms are sweaty when their fingers brush in the locker room.
They never say goodbye or good luck, never speak of affection or even love.
(Because they both already know )
Sometimes Eren watches him sleep. Watches his face twitch or lips part around slurred words when he's having a dream. It's only then, when Jean is blissfully unaware, that Eren whispers 'I love you' and 'Please don't ever leave' with an expression that speaks of the grief of a person who has lost everyone and everything they loved.
xxx
The phrase Do not chase the R.A.B.I.T. sounds like an absurd warning that only newbies would have trouble following. Ridiculous, even, like it's indeed some fluffy animal one would chase around as a child. As if they're Alice in Wonderland, getting into trouble by doing so. But their lives are no fairytale, they do not wake up one day and realize it has only been a mad dream, a nightmare. In fact, dreams are bliss. It's easy to get lost in them, to attempt and linger just for a second longer in that moment before reality comes crashing down.
It's the anniversary of the death of Eren's mother, when Eren stumbles over that exact same memory and Jean loses him to it.
Buildings collapse all around them. Her legs are crushed. She shouldn't be hiding all that blood behind a smile (doesn't she know her teeth and lips are stained with it?) and Jean can do nothing but stare. Unable to move, unable to help.
(It's in the past, there's nothing he can do.)
Eren shakes in his arms that night.
They do not speak, but Jean holds him tighter than usual to his chest. It should be uncomfortable, but the smaller of the two doesn't complain. The weight on his shoulders makes it hard to breathe sometimes, but it's easier with Jean around.
xxx
The time between the appearances of the Kaijus grows shorter.
Mechanics work harder each time to restore and repair the Jaegers, fuelled by the anxiety of never knowing when the next one is going to attack. The pilots are useless without their machines, much like the rest of the military. Bombs and missiles are enough to keep those monsters at bay when they get too close for comfort, but that's mostly the only thing they're good at.
Jean and Eren are fighting tooth and nail to defend the city. The attack this time is different than the ones before, somehow, the Kaiju acts unlike the ones they've encountered before. They're not the only ones to notice, there are voices coming from the Shatterdome base's control room. Commands and promises that they're working on finding out the blind spot to tell them where to attack best.
Eventually, they manage. Jean's breathing hard but he's laughing in relief. Then-
<<We're getting a life signal from the Kaiju! Watch out!>>
It all happens too fast to remember the details. Jean's laughter stops abruptly, there are people yelling commands at them through the speakers and it's all too much to take in through the haze of the adrenaline pumping through his veins.
They're moving out once more. There's barely any time for them to catch their breaths and suddenly they're fighting again. Jean's cursing and someone is yelling – Eren suspects that it's him – and all of a sudden there's a noise of metal being torn apart.
It's only a matter of seconds, but it feels like an eternity, before he can hear his co-pilot screaming in utter terror.
And then there's silence. Next to him, inside his head - utter silence.
(After that day, there's nothing but silence.)
Eren doesn't remember what comes after.
xxx
“He piloted the Jaeger alone for what? Forty minutes? It's a miracle he's still alive.”
The room is too bright, too white, it burns Eren's eyes. Everything hurts and aches and he just wants to sleep forever.
“He needs that rest. And Rogue needs restoration, there's barely anything left that isn't broken. This is going to take weeks – months even!”
Jean's usually the first to complain, to make them shut up. And to make them turn off the lights. Why is he so quiet this time?
“Eren can't pilot him alone, anyway.”
xxx
Oh.
He's not in the Jaeger anymore.
(But part of him always will be.)
He's alone.
(And part of him will always wish he were.)