Work Text:
Chapter 1
As I walk away from my house, the one I pretended isn’t mine, I almost feel as if I’m in a daze. Nothing before that moment felt real. I know what Honor is doing. I know she is trying to get me out of the way to get her connection to Harvard. She’s not a great actress. But while I was playing the piano; her happiness radiated a true, genuine light. And that kiss…. that couldn’t have been fake. I shocked myself by feeling something. It was a feeling I’ve never experienced before.
It’s been easy to stay guarded. Honor is popular, smart, and accomplished. She has never looked my way or given a second glance. She’s even friendly with people who actively throw my lunch on the ground. But I’ve noticed her. I’ve taken into consideration every person who can affect my chances at getting out of this hell hole of a town. It’s been easy to see Honor as just another bully, if not her doing the dirty work at least by association. Those lines are starting to blur. What she has done for Kennedy and Travis…. She’s not closed off and restrained like it's easy to assume. Could she actually… like me?
Do I like her? I don’t know. I’ve never liked anyone before. It’s easy when no one is nice to you in the first place. But Honor… is nice. She’s been nice. Those first couple study sessions were clearly her trying to be something she wasn’t, but once she finally let her shield down, I have to admit I am happy being around her.
I walk cautiously around my block. I can’t let something slip like that again. If she knows why I’ve been acting like this before the midterm it will all be over. Not only is Harvard out the window, but she will never talk to me again. I don’t think I want that to happen. My brain feels fuzzy and clouded; something I’m not used to experiencing. I open my front door and feel like I’m stumbling into the kitchen where I see my mom staring at the pictures on the floor. Shit.
“Michael, honey, do you know how this happened?”
Before I know what is even happening I tell her the entire story. I’m jumping from scenario to scenario and I can’t even catch the words I’m saying because they are falling out so fast.
“And that’s why the photos are on the floor. I pushed them off. I just.. needed her to like me. And now she does and Mom I think I like her back. I… I don’t know what to do.”
My mom steps over the mess of photos and draws me into a hug. My breath is shuddering and shallow. I close my eyes tight and happily accept the physical affection.
“I don’t think I need to tell you what you did was wrong.” She starts after we both sit at our dining room table. “You need to tell her the truth. If you suspect she was doing the same thing, then you can work through it together if you like her that much.”
“But I lied so much more than she did. What if she hates me?”
“But what if she doesn’t? I know you’ll do the right thing Michael. You’re such a smart boy. I trust you. You can fix this.”
She gives my hand one last squeeze and leaves me alone with the stray photos. How the fuck am I going to do this?
—
The next night Honor and I have another planned study date. I have been jittery in anticipation. I’m running over how I want to explain this in my head all day. I just need to rip off the band aid. Gosh I’m nervous.
“Michael! Hi!” Honor jumps up from her bed as I enter the room.
“H…Hi Honor. How are you doing?”
“I’m okay. Are you? You look a little pale. Are you sick?” She sits on her bed and pats a spot next to her.
“No no. It’s just been a long day. Actually I wanted to tal-”
“Did you see my fight with Christine today?”
“What?!” I have no clue what brings on the rapid change in subject, but I don’t question it.
“Everyone filmed it. I’ve gotten at least one hundred texts about it. Here, come look.”
She scoots to the head of her bed and rests on her pillows and pats the spot next to her. Air leaves my lungs and I apprehensively move around to her right hand side. Our shoulders are touching, and my whole body feels tingly to the touch. She moves her legs to be under her and our sides squeeze closer. I take a couple deep breaths, which I hope come off as nonchalant, and relax myself. The conversation can happen later. I just want to enjoy some time together.
She pulls up video clips from various social media platforms up on her phone and we watch this amazing fight from nearly every angle imaginable. Each video is funnier than the last
“Woah that one could have caused permanent damage!”
Mrs. Rose enters with another variety of bread. She always has the knowledge of timing her entrances right when we are just getting a little bit too close. It feels like she knows more than she's leading on. Honor gets up from the bed to grab the two cups of hot chocolate that had been made for us. That’s when I notice her grab something from one of her stuffed animals. It almost looks like… no. It can’t be.
“Honor…. What’s in your hand?” I jump off her bed and get to her side before she even had enough time to turn around and face me. I take her hand in mine and she’s a stuttering mess. I feel it. It’s a pill. I detach my hand from hers and inspect the tiny object closer.
“You were going to roofie me, Honor?”
“How do you know what it is?”
“I’m not an idiot. You were really going to drug me?” I never should have trusted her. She’s just like everyone else at that awful school. I knew what she was doing but I never imagined she would stoop this low. I thought we were both actually liking each other.
“No, no I wasn’t!”
“But you thought about it?” Her silence is my answer.
“Damn it, Honor! I know what you’re doing! I know you want the recommendation from Calvin. I do too! But I never would have stooped that low, ever.”
“You know about the recommendation?” Of course that’s what she hears first.
“Of course I do! I’m top of our class. I’ve been trying to get it for years. I need it. I need to get out of this town like nothing I’ve ever known. I know you want it to. So you asking to ‘study’ was the perfect moment to get close to you. But drugging someone?! That's the lowest I’ve ever-”
“Michael, wait. You mean you got close to me on purpose?”
“And what about it? I was doing the same thing you were doing to me. I don’t want to hear it. And to think I finally start liking you, and I thought you did too, and you pull this billsh-”
“You like me?” Her eyes are wide in shock.
“Of course I do, Honor! You’re the smartest girl I’ve ever met, and you can’t see it?! You have infiltrated my brain, and I can’t stop thinking about you. I look forward to your texts, and seeing you smile. Kissing you yesterday made me forget everything I’d ever learned in school. I haven’t been completely honest with you, Honor. I’ll own up to that. But I would never ever do something like try and drug you.” I’m pacing back and forth in the middle of her room. I can’t believe I blurted all that out. The adrenaline is taking over and I’m running on energy I didn’t even know existed. I have to get out of here.
I turn to grab my backpack and leave when I feel Honor’s hand wrap around my elbow. She’s turning me to her.
“I don’t want to-” She’s kissing me. She initiated the kiss with me. All of my feelings float away and I just take this moment appreciating her. Kissing Honor feels like I’m floating. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt and nothing I can ever compare any experience to.
“I like you too.” She says as she pulls away. I can see it in her eyes. She’s telling the truth.
“I…yeah. Let’s sit. Maybe we should talk for a bit.”
It takes all my brain power to remember what it is I need to talk to her about, but we slowly get through it. She’s shocked when I say I knew what she was up to from the moment she became my lab partner.
“You knew, and you just went with it?”
“Yeah, we wanted the same thing. It worked out for both of us.”
Everything is going okay until I reach the part about my fake foster home.
“Why would you lie about something like that?!”
“I just needed to get you to care about me.”
“And you thought this was the appropriate way to get that to happen?!”
“I get it. I know. There’s a reason I’m telling you this now. I like you too much to keep up any more lies.” I take the story day by day. I mention noticing Handmaid’s Tale and she brings up seeing my Doctor Who drawing. We continue to talk but pause when I tell her about when she found me walking to my house, the fake breaking and entering, and why I kissed her.
“You were about to look at a picture of my parents and me. I couldn’t let that happen. But I’m so glad I kissed you, Honor. It… finally made me open up, and be real. Kissing you was real.” I need her to believe me, to trust me, more than I’ve ever needed anything. More than I need my Harvard acceptance, more than anything else I can imagine.
“I believe you, but this is hard for me, Michael. I feel like I need a while to trust you.”
“Honor, you nearly drugged me. I think that trust is needed on both sides. But I like you enough I’m willing to work on it. If you like me enough I hope you are able to take the leap too.”
Her short, blonde hair has fallen in front of her face, and I take a chance at pushing it behind her ear. I don’t have any experience with girls, but I read a lot of books. On top of that, I’m trying to trust myself more. I think that’s where this all started. I was too scared to trust my own hard work. I know data, numbers, memorization and it’s easy to excel in school if you can pass a test.
This moment feels harder than any final exam I’ve ever taken. She’s beautiful. So wonderfully beautiful. I lean in to kiss her and she doesn’t stop me. The moment is short, chaste, but absolutely perfect.
“I need to get home. It’s late, and we really didn’t study at all.” I scramble to get my stuff together. I stall in her doorway, “I’ll meet you out front before first period?” I say almost as much for myself as her. I’m so nervous she won’t want to be seen with me around her friends.
“Yeah, yeah that sounds good.” She gives me a shy smile.
“Perfect, and one last thing before I drop it forever, okay?” She nods silently in reply. “How did you get the roofie?”
“Oh, umm, I went to Calvin’s open mic show. Kissing up, you know? And I caught this guy trying to put it in my drink, so I took it.”
“He WHAT?!” I’m shocked, astonished, and royally pissed off.
“Nothing happened, Michael. I’m all good.”
I walk back to where she is still seated on her bed and give her another quick kiss. “I’m glad.” and exit her room without another word.
—
When I see Honor in the quad the next morning I feel a big weight leave my shoulders. She has a big smile on her face and she looks just as excited to see me as I am to see her.
“Hey.” I start casually once I get close to her. I extend my hand to her and she takes it without hesitation. All eyes could be on us, or not, I don’t really notice. I give her a kiss on the cheek and we walk together into our chemistry midterm.
I know we both crushed it. Studying last night or not everything felt good and I can tell we are both leaving the room confident. I feel confident when I’m by her side. For the first time ever I’m excited about what’s coming next. Both of our Harvard applications have been sent off for months now, and in just a couple months when we get our results, whatever they may be, we will tackle that together too. We were able to fix this, we can do anything.