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If you hadn't spotted the shifting movement, you wouldn't have known he was awake. At the edge of his bed, he sat alone in the dark, still as a statue. The door closed behind you during your approach, the moment you crossed the threshold. Darkness swallowed you both.
You stood close by. The toe of your boot brushed against his foot and he turned away. Wordlessly, you took a seat beside him, the bed sinking only a little under your weight. The firm mattress made no plans to give way for the two of you combined.
"Anakin," you said softly. Reaching out for him, you managed to brush your fingers over his knuckles before his hands retreated into his sleeves. As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, you found his shoulders shaking. His breaths came out ragged. You tried again. "Anakin."
"I'm sorry." His voice came out raspy, quiet. An hour of crying left his throat dry.
"You have nothing to apologize for."
"I didn't mean for you to come here." His gaze trained on his lap. Through the slits of his blinds, moonlight highlighted the trails down his cheeks.
You were already awake, unable to sleep with the snores of your neighbor. To combat that, you took to meditation. In your meditative state, a presence reached out to you. Fear, guilt, shame, anger; those emotions stood out against the quiet calm of the temple. Combined, it wrapped around you, engulfed you in its choking grip, dragging you out of your calm. In a way, it clung to you, especially when you tried to coax it from within your private chamber.
Eventually, you traced it back to Anakin. You decided you could not leave him alone, not when he wanted you. He needed you.
"It's okay. I want to be here."
"No you don't." His head snapped in your direction. His brows drew down in a scowl. "You don't want to be here. Especially not with someone like me."
"If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be," you responded simply.
He grew quiet once more, hunching his shoulders. An apology drifted through the force but no words came out of his mouth. Anakin sniffled. Tears brimmed against his eyelashes and he scowled in front of him.
"I had a nightmare."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
You bit your cheek, clasping your hands together on your lap. His emotions whirled around you. Being directly beside him, the intensity of it thickened tenfold. It made breathing a chore, inhaling every ounce of self-loathing and pity and grief. You breathed slowly and evenly, focusing on keeping yourself calm; not letting his emotions persuade any of your own. It proved to be difficult, considering how overwhelmed even he was with his own feelings.
"My mother." His voice cut through the thick silence. You looked at him from under your eyelashes, gauging the way his breathing picked up. His hands rubbed up and down along his thighs, flexing every so often. "She died at the hands of Tusken Raiders. And I keep seeing her face in my dreams."
You'd faintly heard of that. He never shared this with you before, only once in mourning that he was too late to save her. You turned away from Anakin, unable to imagine what it would be like to lose a mother. It was a luxury, you supposed, to not feel that pain. Still, you got to experience that through the force, breathing in his grief.
"Every time, I know it's the same. The same outcome. Same death." He shook his head, clasping his hands between his thighs. "I should have been there. She should not have had to die."
He began to tremble. Biting his lower lip, he fought back another wave of tears. You weren't sure how to offer comfort, apart from feeding your condolences through the force. Never before have you had to handle grief. You began to think maybe Obi-Wan should be here instead.
Still, you felt the need to say something. "It's not your fault."
"You're wrong." His voice rose, wavering. He snapped his head in your direction. His eyes glossed over, a single tear trailing down his cheek.
You shrunk into yourself, unfurling your balled fists onto your lap. There, you let the flat of your shaky palms rest. "You can't blame yourself for her death."
"It's not just her death." He shook his head, running a hand through his short hair. "I-" He swallowed thickly. "I'm a monster."
"You're not a monster."
"What do you know?" He bit back. His chest rose and fell rapidly. "You weren't there. You don't know what- what I've done."
Hatred, shame, guilt, and fear raced all around you through the force. Your brows drew down slightly, worried but distracted by Anakin's teary eyes. "What did you do?"
"I k-" A sob wrecked through him. He dropped his head into his hands, unable to hold back his tears any longer. Bionic and flesh curled into his hair, gripping the short strands. His words came out muffled. "I hate them."
Hate. An extreme emotion, especially for a Jedi. Your heart raced, equal parts scared for him and of his choice of words. You set one shaky hand on his back while he sobbed. "I understand your grief-"
He snapped himself into an upright position, grabbing your wrist. His teeth bared in a sneer, face contorted in anger and sadness. "They haunt me." They? "I slaughtered them all. I killed them for torturing her. They killed my mother so I-" He cut himself off.
As the grip on your wrist tightened almost painfully, you twisted yourself to face him. You were about to wrench your wrist from him but Anakin fell into you. His face was buried at the base of your neck, and hot tears coated your skin. He cried harder. Self-loathing wrapped around the both of you.
Your voice grew small. The influence of his negativity began to melt into you. Your heart was wrenched. "Anakin..."
"Don't hate me." He clung to the back of your tunic, pressing you further against him. "Don't."
"I would never." Your throat grew tight. His confession looped in your mind at light speed. He killed, not out of necessity, but out of anger. Driven by the need for vengeance. Fueled by hatred, he caused irreversible damage. It was getting harder to breathe. "Anakin, you're squeezing me too tight."
"I can't stop hearing their screams." His whole body shook. "They won't leave me alone. They won't- I can't sleep at night."
"Anakin, please-"
"Don't leave me alone." His head snapped up to look you in the eyes. No longer crushed by his hug, you let in a sharp breath. Tears lined your eyes as well, heart aching almost as deeply as his. He held your shoulders, his hands shaking all the while. "Don't leave. Stay here, just for tonight."
This was too much. He already carried such a heavy burden and to dump it on your shoulders- why had he never told Obi-Wan? Why had he kept this to himself? Why you?
"Say you won't." His fingers dug into your arms.
You winced, speaking quietly. "I won't leave you."
He locked eyes with you for a full, silent, dreadful minute. At that time, tears trailed down your cheeks as well. Your lower lip trembled. You bit it in an effort to steady yourself.
"Anakin, you're..." You struggled to block out his emotions. They weighed you down heavily, trying to drag you down with him. "You're not a monster."
His voice became a ragged whisper. "Liar."
You laid your hands over his, looking away from him. "You should lay down."
"I can't sleep. I won't." He shook his head, letting his hands be taken away. "I can't handle the noise again."
"I'll lay down with you."
"It won't help."
You let go of him, kicking off your boots as you scooted up his bed. Anakin looked at you helplessly. You sat by his pillow and patted the spot beside you. Tearfully, he climbed up with you and, slowly, laid himself down. He watched you closely as you laid down beside him.
"I won't fall asleep."
"That's okay."
You two simply looked at each other. Your heart raced, mind fending off his emotions. Through them all sparked one you feared the most. It swam among the rest, hidden but not well enough.
Anakin, after tonight, sparked with a fondness for you unlike ever before.
You turned away from him and stared at the ceiling. His teary eyes burned through you, but you stayed looking up. You couldn't face him, not after his confession, not after what you've learned.
Your hands lay still beside you. A cold, bionic hand enveloped the one between you and Anakin. You flinched from the stark coolness and Anakin's shame burned brighter in the force. Before he could retract himself, you gripped his hand.
The fondness returned, burning low around you. Surrounded by him, you closed your eyes and succumbed to all he was in the force.
You only added fuel to the fire.