Work Text:
“Do you know it is a crime to drive little than half the speed limit for this road, right?”, Youngwoo asks, while she keeps her eyes on her baby in the car seat beside her.
“Is that so?”, Junho huffs. Youngwoo is certain if he could glue a bigger sticker that said “Baby on Board” in his car, he certainly would. She knows he knows the law, and it takes her a moment more of reflection to realize he is driving this slow because of their baby. Driving like crazy to get her to the hospital, driving extra slow to bring them home. When was she going to stop feeling surprised by her husband’s actions?
He parks their car in the garage, helping her out of it, and diving in to get the carrier. She goes in first to open the door, counting down from five to step into the elevator, then to their apartment, turning on the lights, taking off her shoes, and replacing them with slippers - like usual. And then she turns to her husband and her baby: “Welcome home, Kang Yi. This is our living room, there you’ll find the kitchen. Here’s where we stay cuddling after work and where we eat - mostly thing’s your dad has cooked; he is a very good cook”, she says, and her voice has the usual sweet noise of a mother talking to a baby she found weird before, but it comes to her as if she has done so for her entire life.
Her son makes a noise that seems like a laugh, and her heart explodes like fireworks. They step in further, Junho’s voice this time doing the honors: “This is mom’s and dad’s bedroom, there’s the bathroom, and this is your room”.
“We hope you like it”, adds Youngwoo, as she watches her husband place the carrier on the dresser to take their son in his arms and put him in his crib. Their baby seems so tiny that she feels simultaneously very proud he is hers and very worried now that she can’t make sure he is ok as he was in her womb. It is at that moment that she reflects on how being a mother has changed her so much already.
Everything seems so surreal and she sometimes feels she will wake up one day and find out this is something very elaborate that she cooked up after falling down the stairs and hitting her head. She takes the chances she gets, though, because she couldn’t ask for anything different than having her heart beating outside her body. She doesn’t need it. She just needs to make sure the boys of her life are happy like she is.
---
She trembles when she feels Junho’s hand on her shoulder, as to wake her up. She takes off her sleeping mask and her earplugs. She sits up and rubs her face. There's a lamp on, so she can focus her eyes on the clock. It says something close to 1 am, but she is not so sure.
Her husband gets in her line of sight. He is holding their son - who is crying his lungs out. “I’m sorry, love,” says her husband, an apologetical smile on his face. He rocks the younger one in his arms as he tells her “he needs to nurse”.
“Oh”, she half-exclaims. And then fumbles with her buttons to get her chest bare and follow the instructions the lactant consultant has given her. This time, when she gets her son in her arms and in her breast, it isn’t so bad. The sensation is not so overwhelming, but she is still tired and she would very much like to go back to sleep. She fights on, however, remembering herself she is the responsible one for his nourishment.
She is not certain how long Kang Yi nurses for, but when he is done, she tries her best to hold him against her body so she can burp him, a baby cloth on her shoulder - placed there by her attentive husband. She gets her son in his crib, observing how he goes back to sleep in the blink of an eye, tummy full and content. It makes her feel… fulfillment.
She cleans herself, closes her shirt, and drags her feet to the bed, expecting her husband to be sound asleep after helping her, but he isn't. As she lays by his side, she finds him awake, a small smile on his lips, hair disheveled. She can't fully comprehend the emotions on his face, but she feels glad she has him by her side; she feels glad they, together, have a new life to take care of, she feels glad someone depends on her and not the other way around.
"I can almost see the train of thoughts going through your mind", he tells her, voice hushed, fingertips reaching to touch the bridge of her nose.
"That's not likely", she replies, and then "Is this one of the not-so-literal things people say?" her eyes dart around. "Hm, are you saying you know what I am thinking?"
"Yes," his finger travels down to her cupid's bow, very gently, so as to not overwhelm her. "I like to think I've gotten pretty good at reading your mind, but I know for a fact this is not true"
"Hm, that's not true. You can always tell when I'm not happy. And you can always tell when I'm tired. And you can always tell when something is wrong." She pauses for a second "I think you're very good at knowing what I'm feeling." She kisses the tip of his thumb as it darts across her lips "And I'm very thankful for that."
The silent night stretches for a while, their gazes locked for a moment as their bodies barely touch, before Junho whispers: "I love you, Youngwoo. I'm very thankful to have you in my life too. There's not one moment that goes by that I don't thank the-" She puts herself close to him, interrupting him by capturing his lips on her. When she lets go, panting, she whispers back "I love you too, Junho"
They doze off to sleep shortly after, exhausted but secured in each other's embrace.
---
The next morning, as she wakes up after her alarm clock has gone off and she hasn’t listened to it, and as she slides to the bathroom to pee and changes her own postpartum pads that kept her from making a mess, she decides to dig in and create a routine so she can nurse Kang Yi without feeling so tired. She supposes it will get better with time, after all, she has been home for only a couple of hours after pushing a human out of her vagina. She has all right in the world to feel tired. And she is not working, so she can solely focus on the new life that depends on her.
She finds her husband on the couch, their son swaddled securely in his dark blue baby blanket with little whale designs next to him, safe asleep as the TV is on low volume, the news playing with the journalist going over whatever is happening of importance. “Morning,” she greets him. “Have you had breakfast yet?”
“No,” he answers “I was waiting for you so we can decide what to have together”.
“I’m just so tired and so hungry I could eat whatever,” she shrugges, “but if there’s gimbap, I’ll always go for it”.
“Of course,” he laughs, getting up from the couch. “Your father left considerable portions so we could freeze it and you could have it whenever you wanted. It’s Youngwoo gimbap at that”.
She goes for the freezer but notices the gimbap already defrosting on the counter. Confusion steers into her. “But you said…”
“I was wondering,” he says, getting closer to her to place their son’s portable bassinet on the top of the kitchen table where he can still keep an eye on him, “if you wanted to eat anything other than gimbap - like seaweed soup, for instance”.
“Oh, seaweed soup sounds good too”, she reaches for it in the freezer, turning to him as she places the container in the sink. “Do you want to have anything else?”
“Hm… do we have samgyeopsal and kimchi? Those would be good to have as well”, she hears him and hums in affirmation, taking the containers out of the freezer and putting them together with the other one. “How are you feeling today?”, he questions, stepping into her space, as she turns to him.
“Tired, but I guess this will be a constant from now on”, she replies, going in to embrace him. “I guess in a few weeks as we can adjust to Kang Yi’s sleeping and feeding rhythms it’ll get better. At least this is what the many articles I’ve read on the internet about it say, so I can only be hopeful my research turns out to be correct”. She glues herself to his chest for a second, very briefly, but enough so he can hold her waist to him, before she looks back at his lips, remembering herself to reciprocate the question, to have him in her world. “Are you tired too?”
“I am, but it is ok. We will have plenty of time to rest later on”
They fall into the usual routine of getting breakfast ready. She sets the table, he gets things further defrosted in the microwave and she plates them precisely and beautifully. As she sits down and waits for her husband to bring his food over, she straights her gimbap portion so they’re symmetrically aligned on her plate, and sets her chopsticks down. The light that comes from the window gets straight to the diamond on her wedding band on her finger, and she finds herself rising her hand up in front of her face to admire it - as if she is seeing it for the first time.
Junho sits down with his food, their baby in their line of sight, and stops - a confused look on his face - as he watches her with her hand stretched. “Yeobo, is your ring tight again? Don’t wear it if you’re swelling”.
“No,” she turns her body to look at him, angling her hand so he can see the light catch on the gemstone as well “I just like it when it shines like this. It is pretty to look at”.
He raises his hand next to hers and the light catches on his band as well. “You’re right. They are pretty to look at”, he considers. “This feels so second nature to me that I rarely stop to admire it”.
“My finger feels lighter when I take it off to shower. I feel hyper-aware something is missing until I place it back on”, she says, before taking her hand to the tabletop and resting it there, the other one busy with her chopsticks as hunger wears her focus down and she prioritizes feeding herself to admire the ring’s glow.
Her husband laughs before they get into a comfortable silence, crunching, chewing, and swallowing food in rhythm. They get to clear the plates and put them into the sink before Kang Yi demands attention by crying.
Youngwoo goes to him and scoops him in her arms, glancing at him to look for cues as to why he is crying. She identifies his lips open and closing together, into a sucking motion, so she rushes to his nursery, sitting on the reclinable chair, grabbing a nursing pillow to place on top of her legs, and accommodating her son into a position that feels good to her as she prepares to nurse him. It is the fourth time she places him on her chest, getting his mouth to open wide and latch on her nipple, and she honestly feels like a pro. It doesn’t hurt her, she doesn’t feel super bothered by it, and it makes her heart swell with love for her son. She understands why it’s called bonding. Like a thread being pulled from her straight to him, unbreakable and permanent.
This time, she knows Kang Yi nurses for precisely 12 minutes before deciding he has had enough. She follows the routine of burping him, cleaning herself, and placing him back on his bassinet before it occurs to her she has not yet changed any of his diapers. And she knew he had to go through at least two to five used ones daily. So that meant… her husband had been changing him without even bothering her. That makes her feel grateful, but, at the same time, like a horrible mother. What kind of mother doesn’t know how to change her baby?
“Yeobo?”, she calls out as she observes Kang Yi intently. His eyes move across the room, something closer to happiness and curiosity stamped on them. Junho appears at the door like he was summoned from thin air.
“Yes?”
“You’ve been changing Kang Yi since we brought him home?” her voice rises as a question that she started as an affirmation.
“Ah, yes. Why?”
“I haven’t had the chance to learn it yet. I need to be prepared for it in case I need to do it on my own”, she supplies as if it needs further explanation. “Can you teach me how?”
“Of course”
He goes into a detailed explanation of the things she’ll need to prepare ahead before starting the process of changing Kang Yi. She takes notes as a diligent student, frowning at times, but listening carefully to his explanations. And then they decide it would be best to try it, so she can get used to how things go while having support by her side - not because Junho considers her incapable of doing so alone, but because she feels reassured by her presence than anyone else’s.
Her husband stays by her side as she undoes the swaddle that keeps her baby cozy. She takes off his onesie, putting it aside. Then she grabs a new diaper and places it under her son’s current one, fingers careful to rip the glued closures of the one he wears. She stops for a second, as the strong smell hits her nostrils, but she fully intends to complete the task, so she pulls the used diaper into a ball with one hand and drops it into the plastic bag her husband holds open for her.
“You’re almost done, love. Just make sure to…”, Junho tells her, as she holds her son’s legs up with her left hand, ready to close the new diaper, but she is slow, and her son much faster, and before her husband can prevent it, she feels the warm, liquid substance washing over her. “Kang Yi!”, Junho complains with a hint of fun in his tone. “These are not good manners, we don’t pee on the ladies”, he tsks, tsks, tsks, “Especially not on mom who took nine months of her life to grow you and give you so much love”.
She takes a deep breath. “Well, at least if it happens again I’m prepared for it”, she wipes her son clean, and closes the diaper, taking time to check if, apart from her, the changing table still needs cleaning. She gets her son a clean onesie and dresses him, takes a new blanket to swaddle him in - as she has practiced before -, and, just as she is done, she feels she accomplished her task somewhat successfully. She holds her son’s gaze by leaning in to look at him closer “Kang Yi, you get away with it this time, ok?”, she giggles at him, and, looking up at her husband, she says “I’m gonna take this as a sign to shower”.
“Do you need any help?”, Junho asks, as he holds their son in his arms, following her into their bedroom.
“I think I can manage”, Youngwoo tells him. “But if I need you, I’ll call”.
“Ok, we will be playing in the living room, waiting for you”, he gives her a smile as she starts discarding her clothing.
“Ok”, she confirms, closing the bathroom door of their suite, and getting out of sight.
---
When she emerges from the bathroom, condensation from the hot shower behind her, droplets of water going down on her clavicle from her hair, she doesn’t expect her husband to be in their bedroom, eyeing her figure as if he hasn’t seen her in eternity. “Kang Yi is napping in the bassinet”, he declares, eyes never leaving her figure, before she can wonder if their baby is being taken care of. But she knows her husband and he would never let anything lack for their son, so she relaxes and beelines for the package of disposable knitted underwear the hospital has provided her with. She puts it on before turning to the wardrobe to grab a T-shirt and sweatpants. Her husband’s, of course, because she mainly owned skirts and blazers and dress shirts. She gets dressed and climbs on the bed. She scoots closer to him, her legs to her chest, his arm going around her, her hands touching his chest. “Weren’t you going to play in the living room?”, she questions.
“We did, but he fell asleep, so I decided to wait for you here,” he says, as a matter of fact. His thumb scrolls down on his phone, his expression changing as he reads the messages waiting for him. “Your dad is worried you haven’t answered him. Both my parents and your dad want to know when they can visit”
“Already?”, she feels her heart speed up in her chest; her voice goes up a few octaves.
“I haven’t answered them yet. Do you want us to keep to ourselves for a bit more? That is good for me too”
“I-” she looks directly at him “Yes, please. At least a week more. I don’t want everybody’s expectations on us just yet. Let’s… hm… nest Kang Yi a bit more, ok?”
“Ok,” he smiles at her. “They are probably anxious to meet him like we were”
“Well, we have precedence, right? They’ve already had their chance with us. Now it is our turn to enjoy” he types out the answers to their elder’s questions and puts the phone away on the nightstand. “Junho”, she starts, feeling rather shy. She has been married to this man for what it feels like a lifetime, but every time he looks at her like that, she feels at loss like her feet have left the ground.
“Yes?”
She wonders how that is possible, with her body undergoing changes to grow a human inside her. She is still swollen and looks very much four months pregnant. Her nipples are sensible and she is still lightly bleeding, and her husband looks at her naked body as if she is a goddess, and she doesn’t think this should be possible. It puzzles her.
“No, nothing”, she shakes her head. He sits up straighter, back going forward, leaving the comfort of the headboard just to look closer at her, worry washing over his face.
“What is it, yeobo?”, he wants to know, tone gentle so as not to pressure her. “You can tell me, and whatever it is we are going to… hm… solve it together”.
She hesitates for a moment more before speaking so quickly he has to make an extra effort to make out what she’s saying: “You just looked at me like you did when we first had sex, you know, like I am the most beautiful person in the face of this Earth and it makes me feel all weird because my body is all weird and I look pregnant but I am not pregnant anymore and everybody says moms are not supposed to be sexy but motherly figures and I just…”
He bites his lip to stop a burst of laughter from passing his mouth and looks at her solemnly. “Because you’re every inch the most attractive person I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Being pregnant and giving birth to our baby hasn’t changed that in the least. In fact, I’m much, much more in love with you. I feel so much love for you that I think sometimes my heart is going to burst from it”, he pauses. “I love everything you are and everything you’ll ever be. I love every single thing about you and I wouldn’t change anything”.
His eyes are gleaming. Her heart beats louder in her ears. She finds herself surprised by the force of her adoration for her husband, rekindled anew by the fact he was the father of her child, the man she wants by her side forever. “I love you, you know that, right?”
He laughs then: “Well, I’d like to think so, given that you’ve married me and we even have just had a baby together”, she doesn’t respond to that, so he adds “I love you too, yeobo”