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He…was not doing well. Understatement of the year huh? Truthfully, he couldn’t think of a moment in his life when something wasn’t gripping and eating him inside. Which was strange because not too long ago, he felt like he was doing ok for once. Sure there were complaints but what person didn’t have any?
He had a family…a strange, out of the ordinary family but he wouldn’t trade it for the world. Some human, some related to him, and others just friends but they were his and he wouldn’t trade them for anything. Rhodey, Jocasta, his mother Amanda, Andy, Janet…he missed Janet. Greatly.
She understood him and loved him flaws and all. Though he couldn’t blame her for wanting to end it. She’s already had to deal with an unwell hyper genius before and he wouldn’t dare try to ask her to wait it out for him. That wouldn’t be fair to her. So they broke up and it didn’t feel good, but he just put it away in his mind and tried to move on.
As his blue eyes gazed outside of the plane window, he thought to himself. What was he even feeling so down about? Sure, he had the whole identity crisis on whether or not he was the real or just some AI that looked like him…a fake. It was in those times he wished the problem was as simple as someone stealing his tech.
Truth be told, there was nothing physical he should be worried about. He’s got friends, family, money, a house to live in, food, intelligence, skill, etc. There was nothing truly going that wrong in his life. A faint voice in his head was telling him that he was just being dramatic. He had no physical reason to feel the way he was feeling so he shouldn’t.
Cap would lay him out right on the floor if he caught wind of that thought process. He could see it now. His understanding eyes as he explains that sometimes we just feel a certain way and we don’t need a reason to be feeling that way. That his feelings were just as valid without one.
The genius snorted at that as he covered his mouth at that idea. Who knows? Maybe he is just in a funk. Everyone has them. Just a little funk of him feeling self conscious of himself and his life, that he’d eventually overcome. Though he can’t really remember the time he’s just felt that way before. Usually, there was something physical or huge that was the cause of it.
It wasn’t like he was questioning his identity and had his superhero persona taken over by his brother. No. He had just solved that problem not too long ago. His reflection stared back at him in the window with judging eyes.
His trimmed mustache had grown into a hairy stubble, so no goatee and the hair on his head was its average length, just nothing was done with it. It wasn’t combed, nor styled, nor gelled. He looked like he was going through a phase like he was a teenager all over again. His blue eyes stared deeply back at him before he turned away and pulled the cover down over it.
‘Stop looking at me like that.’
He was getting sort of sick of this cycle that he’s been stuck in. Rock bottom and at his lowest, he works back up and is finally good again, only for him to be right back down at rock bottom. Rock bottom’s a place he knows so well, he has real estate there. His gaze went down to his hands as they tightened in anger before closing his eyes and sighing.
During the time of Arno being Iron Man, he had rebuilt himself with the escape and even created an unbelievably powerful armor that was currently keeping his brother alive. He had outdone himself again and now not even a year later, where is he? Rock. Fucking. Bottom.
This seemingly never ending cycle wasn’t the only thing that he had taken notice of. Was he becoming soft? When had he become so self conscious about what other people thought about him, it hindered his performance in practically everything? It had never so much before. Call it egotistical but Tony was trying to redeem himself objectively and so he could look at himself in the mirror with anything but disdain.
There was a time in his life where he wouldn’t let anyone talk him down but himself. He was well aware of his shortcomings and he was going to solve them. He judged himself enough to compensate for everyone else. He wouldn’t take it from anyone but him.
His vision of seeing the bloody and bruised son of Obadiah Stane, Ezekiel Stan beneath him, struggling and thrashing around in his iron grip. His gaze burned with nothing but disgust and fury directed at the spawn of one of his greatest foes.
His right hand flexed before he pulled the bald villain who immediately began to scream insults and names in a last ditch effort to try and get into his head. He had already been bested physically so why not try to attack the mind, but the unarmored hero wasn’t having any of it.
“PIG! FACIST! OPPRESSOR!”
The obscenities being hurled his way as the harsh gaze stayed imprinted upon his face.
“Shut up. Look at you. What have you done with your life? Come up with new excuses to kill pregnant women and old men in the name of ideology.”
“Hng…Smarter than you-You capitalist warmonger-You death profiteer-You-”
“You think I haven’t heard that before? You think I give a damn what people think about me? I’m trying to save the world even when it doesn’t see it. You’re just trying to kill people and get rich.”
He replied, his voice void of any sympathy or empathy as Ezekiel glared at him.
“Then do it. Do what you always do to threats you can’t buy off or understand. Either shut the hell up, or kill me.”
He glared at him amused before his grip began to loosen at those words.
“Okay, Ezekiel. Okay.”
The bloodied villain hit the ground as the genius made his way to his feet and stared down at him.
“Your dad was smarter than you. And harder to beat.”
It was those sudden words that got the Stane to finally shut up, because they both knew it was true. An electronic noise was heard, causing the man to pull out his phone to see the notification. A text. From Steve. He blinked at the text that was on his phone.
‘You deleted your Twitter?’
‘You followed my Twitter?’
‘Of course I do. We’re friends aren’t we?’
A small smirk reached his lips before the familiar frown returned as he replied.
‘Of course we are. I’ll get back to you on the Twitter thing alright?’
It was that text chain that brought him to the second point of how he was getting soft. It was an ordinary day with him fighting a herald of Galactus. No big deal. This meant sending him flying straight out of the solar system which unfortunately led to Terrax colliding into a satellite.
People that relied on that satellite were reasonably annoyed and complaining about it on Twitter. What was his response to that? Deleting his Twitter. He had taken insults and complaints from almost everyone his entire life and had continued standing his ground, not taking it from anyone before. Now some people say some mean things about him and he resorts to that? What the hell happened to him?
When had he changed? When had he become so soft? So different from who he used to be? When did he forget that he was-
“Tony? Tony Stark?”
His gaze turned from his phone to the voice that called him out. A redhead in a yellow sweater wearing a baseball cap looked at him, before taking a seat. Hellcat. Patsy Walker a…friend? Were they friends? Truth be told, Tony couldn’t remember the last time they had hung out regularly before a few days ago. He didn’t really know much about her honestly.
But honestly? That wasn’t the only thing that bothered him about her. Not only did they rarely interact or barely know anything about each other, Patsy was-
“Tony?”
The man in question was snapped out of his thoughts as his gaze changed from staring ahead blankly to looking at her.
“What?”
“Did you hear me? You almost killed a man for melting your car two days ago.”
A day ago there might’ve been a slight wince at that, but he was too busy trying to figure out other things for it to remain in his head. He was thinking too much and he was so tired. That he wasn’t sure the severity of her sentence was truly reaching him, but he just needed time to think.
“I’m just…tired.”
“That’s not a justification Tony.”
Did he say it was?
“I never said that it was. It’s an explanation. It was the wrong choice and I’m aware of that. I’ll be sure to make up for it when I get the chance.”
“Will you?”
“Ease off, will you?”
Her hard stare softened for a second before shaking her head and changing the subject.
“Anway, thanks for inviting me.”
Why did he exactly? There was always someone more qualified that he actually knew outside of being acquaintances. Though the past couple of days were making him wonder if they were even that.
“I didn’t think you’d come.”
He answered simply, trying to ignore the part of his brain that replaced the sentence with I hoped you wouldn’t.
“I honestly didn’t think you’d give money to the lightning capture guy.”
“The science looked good. But I’m sure folks will still find a way to make me look bad.”
“Does it really matter how it looks?”
It was then when Patsy had asked something that did make him think. Did it really? After all, who cared how it looked when he knew how it actually was? He answers anyway, not bothering to try and reword it to be more kind. It was…impulsive. It wasn’t wrong, but it wasn’t the complex reason that he would normally give.
“Kind of. You’re not as famous as me.”
At the reaction to his response, her eyes went into a harsh glare before pointing at him.
“Wow. Fuck you, Tony. Maybe I don’t feel the need to be famous. Maybe I’ve worked my way from being dead and figured out what actually matters to me.”
Tony’s eyes narrow at that as he truly thinks about the words that were just said to him. He’s been dead as well. Both figuratively and literally. Then another point about Patsy came up in his mind to which he decided to test out.
“I’ve been dead to-”
“Not by choice, you haven’t.”
There it is. It was something he had noticed a couple of times before. She didn’t give him the chance to explain himself often and when she did, she’d do nothing but crumple it up like it didn’t mean anything.
Her response to him genuinely trying to share what he was going through by saying it was just his ego. It was just him trying to make it all about himself. Which was ironic considering she’s had a bit of a habit of trying to make it all about herself. When he had shared the information on how he was feeling, it somehow was made irrelevant and it was back to her.
He was no mental health expert by any means, but comparing traumas and making one out to be worse was the absolute wrong way to go about dealing with mental health correct?
“I got to a place where I thought the best thing for me was to kill myself.”
If Tony was still thinking how he was thinking a few days earlier, he would’ve immediately disregarded himself and tried to apologize about what she had just said. He was still going to apologize about what she had said, but it did make him think.
That…was quite literally what he tried to do yesterday. Scientists were stuck in a Vibranium-Adamantium sphere and he was willing to risk his life to save them. Not only because it was the right thing to do, but also because he thought that was the best thing for himself. To try and “redeem” himself. He felt so wrong about himself that he figured killing himself was the best possible thing for him. What was she talking about? He did know what it was like.
What the hell was he doing? He didn’t need a life coach. He needed to focus on himself and try to be better. Actually be better. Now these desperate attempts of redemption. Out of all the things that Patsy has said, two had to be the ones that actually helped him.
One, he doesn’t have time to care about what other people think of him. Especially not with the warzone going on in his head. And two, redemption is not based on what other people think of you or their forgiveness. It’s based on the work you’ve done to try and be better and how you feel. When you’re truly redeemed, you’ll know it.
“Are you even listening to me, Tony?!”
He was snapped out of his thoughts once again as he looked at Patsy with an unreadable gaze. Admittedly, he wasn’t the best at taking care of red flags in his relationships when he saw them. So sue him. But he wasn’t going to allow this, whatever this was going on between the two of them continued.
He still “needed” her to figure out their current situation but he was going to make a few things crystal clear.
“Walker. Do me a favor and shut the fuck up.”
The flinch that was given by her almost pained him, but not because he felt bad. Why was she so surprised at that? Had he seriously just been nodding along to every complaint and comment she’s said about him? Whether they were true or not. Was he really that concerned with others opinions of himself that the mere thought of him fighting back against it warranted a flinch?
“Patsy, what do you think me trying to sacrifice myself for those scientists yesterday and don’t say ego. I'm not falling for that bullshit anymore."
He replied coldly as she went to rebuttal, but came out short.
“That’s right. You don’t have an answer. But I do. It was the exact same feeling. I am a recovering alcoholic who has been through numerous traumatizing events. Do you really think I never thought that everyone else and me would be better off if I was dead? Another thing, you always downgrade my problems and then make it about you.”
“T-That-I-I wasn’t trying to compare traumas.”
“But you did. You did. You made me feel like my problems don't matter and for what? Because I’m rich? I’m privileged? News flash Walker you’re rich and privileged too, but your problems are just as important. Why isn’t it the same for me?”
“I…”
“I’m not okay. I’m well aware. I do not need you kicking me down when I’m already doing a great job of it myself. You’re not my life coach, you’re a hundred percent right on that. But truthfully, I’m not even sure you’re my friend.”
Patsy’s eyes widened at that as Tony pinched the brim of his nose before sighing.
“Because friends don’t try to make their friends' problems seem smaller than they really are. They don’t try to invalidate their friends’ feelings. Tough love is one thing, but a friend doesn’t kick someone while they’re done and in a hard place in their life. I’m sorry that you’re going through what you’re going through Patsy. I really am. But that’s not an excuse to invalidate my problems and kick me while I’m down. I won’t take that from you or anyone else but myself. Got it?”
There was a thin silence after that entire spiel. Tony wasn’t even sure where it came from, but holy shit did he feel a lot better after saying it. His eyes turned to her.
She was shocked out of her mind, but she bit her lip in regret. Patsy simply nodded at his words as he nodded with a thin smile.
“So if we’re going to continue this “partnership”, you’re going to have to understand that I’m not going to take any shit from you and in turn I’m not going to do the same thing to you. Call me out if I do. I’ll a hundred percent deserve it if it happens. I know you’re not going to bail out of this so let’s just keep that in mind as this furthers. Understand?”
There was a cold silence before Patsy spoke up.
“Yes…I’m sorry. I d-didn’t realize I wa-”
She was soon cut off by Tony holding up his finger.
“It’s fine. Well, it isn’t but you understand. You’re going through a lot and that’s important but I’m not going to be your or anyone else’s punching bag to make you feel better about yourself. Just like you better not let yourself become the same thing for me or anyone else. So as long as we have that understanding in mind, we’re good.”
That was the final thing Tony said before going onto his phone and getting on Twitter, reactivating his account. He typed out a short message before hitting the post.
‘Guess who?’
It wasn’t perfect by any means. He wasn’t even good by any means. But it’s a step in the right direction at least. Tony sighed as he rested back into his chair as one thing was certain.
Tony Stark is back.