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It all starts with a name. Mark isn't a social butterfly, not the way Donghyuck is, he doesn't strike a conversation with just anyone. So when one day Mark comes in talking about someone Donghyuck is a bit curious.
“Mina told me about this cool documentary she watched about how…’’ at this point Donghyuck isn't even following the conversation, as much as he's looking curiously at Mark.
“Mina?’’ he questions. Mark stutters, pink high on his cheeks.
“Yeah, she's my lab partner this year.’’ Donghyuck nods and tells Mark to continue with his story.
Now Donghyuck is quite a jealous person, and protective over the people he loves, and it's nice that Mark indulges him. They have been friends since they were kids and Mark has seen the ugly parts of him and still continues to be by his side. Even when he is being irrational, like when he was eight and Mark came over to his house but his sisters decided that they wanted all of his attention and Donghyuck got angry and locked himself in his room until Mark came knocking and wiped the tears off of his face. It might have been irrational, yes, but he was a child and his younger sisters always got more attention than he did, and he understood. A rational part of his brain knew that it was only because they were younger and need more help navigating the world, and he was okay with his sisters hijacking the remote control or stealing his toys, but he wasn't okay with them taking away Mark's precious time because Mark was his, he knows he can't actually own people, but he was eight and figuring things out too.
So yeah, Donghyuck was a jealous person, he was working on it, he knew it stemmed from his insecurities or whatever, and he never actually acted on it. He grew up and stopped letting those feelings get the better of him. But the more Mark had a dazed look in his eyes when he talked about Mina, the jealousy that was always present when one of his friends started to talk about their other friends to much in his presence, started to grow and he really couldn't ignore it even if he tried. Much like magma underneath the earth's surface, it was changing everything slowly.
Don't get Donghyuck wrong, he liked Mark, as in was, in love with him. He found that out shortly after Mark entertained the idea of entering a different college than the one they planned on attending together, and the idea of Mark not being by his side scared him so much he had several nightmares about it. So he knew early on that he was in love with his best friend, but with the whirlwind of graduating high school, arriving at college, meeting new people, and trying to get settled with the huge college course workload given to him. The feelings didn't go away but he didn't have any chance to mull things over, they didn't get to marinate with him. Now, he had to think about it, and think he did, it invaded all of his thoughts, much like a virus or better yet a parasite.
“I'm thinking of inviting Mina to one of our outings.’’
“Yeah dude’’ Jeno replied giving Mark a nudge on his thigh. Donghyuck tried to busy himself with the report he had to make for class but the words jumbled together and breathing was getting too hard for him.
“So you really are serious about her?’’ Renjun commented. Donghyuck whipped his head fast enough to see Mark giggling a bit. “ I guess you can say that.’’
Donghyuck nodded, didn't really have anything else to comment, and then Mark stared at him, eyes seeking approval, and the only thing he could do was smile trying to convince himself that Mark hadn’t noticed it didnt quite reach his eyes.
After everyone else left and it was just him in Mark in the quiet of the Library cloaking them in comfortable silence. Mark spoke up.
“ I think I want to ask Mina to be my girlfriend.’’
Donghyuck tried his best not to throw up.
Mark looked at him. Waiting for something, anything, so Donghyuck controlled his breathing and tried to talk even though he felt like his vocal cords were wobbly.
“That's great Mark. I'm really happy for you.’’ Mark smiled at him content with the answer and all Donghyuck could do was stare ahead and think about how he would survive this.
“So what did you think of her?’’ Renjun asks. He is the only one who noticed how quiet he was the whole night, sometimes Donghyuck thinks he's one of the few who can actually see through him, underneath the facade he has so carefully crafted. Mark can do it to sometimes, see through him that is, but he was busy.
“She is way out of Mark’s league. Which means she's perfect.’’
And she was, Mina had this personality that made it easy to like her, she would look at you straight in the eye and nod along, she made you feel seen, heard. Her smile was easy and charming, she was funny, as much as Donghyuck would have liked to not laugh at her jokes it was impossible with the way she delivered them, and Mark always would give the most rambunctious laugh, one that Donghyuck thought was only reserved for him and his jokes.
Renjun hums in agreement.
“You’re okay though?’’
Donghyuck wants to answer with the truth, maybe if he says what he really feels out loud the wind will carry away his feelings, and Renjun won't judge him, falling in love isn't anyone's choice but he can't quite bring himself to lie or talk about the reality that he is facing so he turns to Renjun who is looking at him with soft eyes, accepting eyes, and Donghyuck nods and turns around fast enough so he can’t catch his reaction.
They reach his apartment complex and he says goodbye to Renjun, as he goes up the stairs he hears the soft padding of raindrops, ever so soft as if they have been echoing forever, and that is only when he allows himself to cry.
Donghyuck likes to go out, he will never deny himself a good time, getting drunk and dancing is one of his favorite ways to destress. Mark and Mina have been dating for almost three weeks. Mark hasn't asked Mina to be his girlfriend yet and Donghyuck finds comfort in that, even though he knows its a moot point because every time he sees them together Mark looks more and more in love, and Mina, well, Donghyuck thinks that just like him Mina never stood a chance against Mark’s dorky smile and round eyes, and his kindness. He was made to be loved. Both Mina and him knew it.
So he is at a party and he is drunk, he feels like some invisible force is cupping his brain and the edges of his vision are foggy. He’s dizzy due to the changing lights and he needs to sit down, he’s been drunk enough times to have some sort of self-preservation, but the party is filled to the brim and he doesn't know if its because he is dizzy or his vision is foggy but he ends up bumping into everyone. He came here with a designated group, like he always does, with Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun but he’s abandoned them for the quest of finding somewhere to sit when he sees them.
Mina is perched on Mark’s lap and they are making out. Not the soft I'm in love type of making out, but the ravenous I need to have you tonight tongue-sucking type. He stares at them enough to know Mina is grinding on him and Donghyuck feels like he has been punched square in the face, it's one thing to know that yeah they probably make out, it's normal, they are young adults with sexual libido, but to see it, it recks him in ways he didn't think possible, his chest feels all kinds of heavy and the tears start spilling from his eyes and he needs to get away from the party.
He leaves and doesn't tell anybody which is a big no-no in their group. If you leave you have to tell someone unless you want to make everyone worry but he doesn't have the mind for it, he figures he will text Jaemin later telling him his stomach hurt or something. As he leaves the party it starts raining heavily and Donghyuck feels strangely like he has developed powers and can now control the weather which is why the city looks just like how he feels.
He's shaking by the time he arrives home, drench in city rain, the good news is that he has sobered up, but the bad news is that he can't stop thinking about Mark and Mina kissing and he cries again. Donghyuck is a crier, he will admit to it, but not like this, never like this. He's sobbing and the hiccups are forming and they seem never-ending. He falls asleep in his wet clothes and he should know by now, after being told by his mother to not go to bed in damp clothing unless you want to get sick.
He wakes up to the sound of pounding, his head hurts, and it feels too big for his body. He doesn't know if it's because of a hangover or because he managed to get sick. He knows he's running a fever and he just wants to sleep, his phone was discarded somewhere in his studio flat, he forgot to charge it when he arrived home. Last thing on his mind if he's honest, but the pounding continues and he moans begrudgingly all the way to the door. Where the pounding is its loudest.
He opens the door and he sees the reason for all his heartache.
“Donghyuck.’’ Mark lunges forward enveloping him in a hug. He feels like floating. Mark removes himself from the hug and puts the back of his hand on Donghyuck’s forehead. The younger man just stares dazedly at Mark.
“What's the first rule of going to a party with a designated group ah?’’ Mark says, he sounds like he wants to be stern but it ends up soft around the edges, he can’t lecture Donghyuck even though he knows he wants to not when he’s like this.
Donghyuck tilts his head, he wants to reply, but he's just too tired. The answer stays buffering on his lips.
“You tell someone you’re leaving, you had us all worried -’’ he grabs him by the wrist and leads him to his bed. “Renjun said one moment you were next to him and the next you were gone, like an apparition.’’ Donghyuck smiles at that, he feels like a ghost fluttering somewhere between existence and nothingness. He carefully lays a towel on his bed and starts removing all of Donghyuck clothes. “Id tell you to take a shower, but you're running a high fever, I’ll try and see if I can bring it down.’’ He smiles lovingly at Donghyuck and his heart does a summersault.
He tells Donghyuck to lay down on top of the towel while he pours some water into a bowl and finds a piece of scrap fabric. He dips it into the water and starts patting Donghyuck down, movement so feather soft and which so much care that Donghyuck cant help but cry. His face is already flushed by the fever and Mark first passed the fabric over his face so he doesn't notice he's crying, but when a muffled noise comes out of him Mark looks at him suddenly.
“Duckie what's wrong? You’ve been acting so distant lately, did something happen?’’ Mark looks at him confused and agonized. He's been putting everyone at arm’s length, trying to get some semblance of what to make of his new reality, one where his heart aches constantly and he knows he can live like that, well he doesn't really know if he can, but he has to if he wants Mark to still be in his life and he's been trying but it's so hard.
“What's so hard?’’ Mark asks with the patience one would have with a child. He doesn't even notice he said anything out loud, his head is killing him and his tears keep falling and falling. Mark grabs Donghyuck’s hands and intertwines them with his, he's comforting him, as he always does.
“I'm your best friend okay, I'm always going to be here for you, you don't need to go through whatever this is alone okay?’’ he squeezes his hand and Donghyuck continues to cry because this is actually something he has to do alone.
His fever broke sometime before the afternoon sun finally set, he was hovering in a state of almost dreaming. Mark, as loyal as he is stayed with him all afternoon making sure that he was actually getting better. But alas, in his moments of consciousness he would find Mark texting someone or whispering on his phone figuring that maybe he was talking to Mina. Even when he has Mark, he doesn't really have him. He feels eight again.
“You need to stop.’’ Donghyuck remains still.Renjun looks at him sternly, he reminds him of a father scolding his child.
“I dont what you're talking about.’’
“Donghyuck.’’
“Drop it.’’ He says voice loud. Renjun is taken aback. He opens his mouth and anger flashed through his features.
“No -’’
“Renju’’
“I said no, you haven't spoken to mark in what? two weeks? He asks about you constantly you know, you never show up to our outings anymore, and you don't even respond to our group chat. Mark cant actually be genuinely happy even though he is in love because his best friend is acting like a child and ghosting him.’’
If Donghyuck is protective over his friends, Renjun would kill for them.
“You know I thought you got over this, treating your friends like something you own. Did you really believe Mark was going to be at your beck and call always? That he would never have a life and he would dedicate every waking moment to you? Do you know how insane you have to be to think that way? This is the first time he is in a relationship and in love and all you can be is selfish because he isn't yours to play with whenever you please?’’
Donghyuck can't even look at him anymore.
“Get your shit together, or your going to lose him.’’ Renjun leaves him in the streets to wallow in his own misery.
Donghyuck wants to think he's better than shutting everyone out, but that's all he has been doing. Getting scolded by Renjun for not knowing how to correctly handle his feelings only proves to him that they don't actually understand, not that he has given them anything to actually try and understand but still. They have this idea of him, as a jealous selfish person, he thought they knew him better, but maybe he never really grew out of it, just got better at hiding it. They are seeing him for what he really is and for the first time, forever he feels alone.
He can't call Mark, he hasn't spoken to him in three weeks, slowly the text messages he would send to check up have stopped coming and his big fight with Renjun was just a week ago and feels as tender as a fresh wound.
So he goes home, he doesn't tell anyone not even his mom, but he thinks maybe surprising her will lift his mood and it does. He arrives and his sisters hug him and his mom kisses him on the cheek and makes him his favorite meal. Things feel good until they don't.
They are in their living room, everything hazy with afternoon light. The windows are open and the smell of his mom's roses infiltrates the room, the breeze carrying the smell shakes the curtains, and the tv is on like background noise. Donghyuck and his mom sit on the couch, as they have done many times before and as they will continue to do for many years to come.
“I spoke to Mark's mom the other day, she told me he got himself a girlfriend.’’ His mom looks at him with such kindness and knowledge and he knows that she knows. After all, he is a part of her, torn loose and tossed into the world.
“Oh baby.’’ and she goes and gives him a hug and Donghyuck cried until silver moonlight lit his mother's face as she ran her fingers through his hair.
“You need to tell him.’’
“Mom.’’
“Not for him, but for you.’’
You. You. You. Me. Me. Me.
“So what did you want to talk about?’’ the disdain is quite evident in his voice. Donghyuck doesn't blame him, but he also wants to curl up into himself until he becomes a single point and stops existing, he gets it he's dramatic, but still. He hasnt spoken to him in over a month, and has been MIA from the group chat for longer, but visiting his mom made him realize that the hurt he was causing both of them wasn't worth it. He loved Mark, and the only way to get over this hell is to walk through it.
He knows that although this might shake the very foundation their friendship is built on he is aware that it is very sturdy, years of love and communication, and wanting to be friends won't change. He tells himself that as he tells Mark to come in and take a seat.
“So what is it Donghyuck’’. Ouch.
“I am very sorry for these past couple of weeks’’ - he starts and gets rudely interrupted.
“ if that's it I don't want to hear more’’ Mark starts standing, and Donghyuck can't help but panic. He reminds himself that they built a steady foundation, steady.
“Wait Mark.’’ he went in to grab him by the wrist.
Mark’s reflexes are faster, and he looks at Donghyuck like a wounded animal.
“You think that you can just apologize and everything will go back to how it was?’’
Donghyuck opens his mouth and closes it.
“You ignored me for weeks, Donghyuck, you made Mina feel like shit, like she was coming between us and I had to lie and say it wasn't her fault but it's obvious it is and you don't understand how it feels to have your heart split in too, and the other person who has your heart doesn't even want to talk.’’ Mark sounds defeated, Donghyuck wants to make him smile.
“I would have broken up with her if you would have asked,’’ Mark confesses it like a sin.
Donghyuck is in awe for a moment. “I would have never asked you that’’
“I know, which is pathetic because you didn't even ask me but I did it anyway.’’
“You broke up?’’ Donghyuck asked confused. Even though he hasn't been talking to him, he is in Mark's orbit, like a runway satellite, be it by having the same friends and surely the guys would have spoken up about this but ah, he remembers he hasn't spoken to them since Renjun and he had their spat. The week he went back home he realizes.
“I’m in love with you,’’ Donghyuck says.
“Yeah, I figured.’’