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r/relationship_advice • Posted by u/ilovemybestfriend 38 mins ago
I (22 M) fell in love with my best friend (25 M) and I don’t know what to do.
For starters, my best friend and I live in different countries. I was born and raised in Florida while he’s been in London his whole life. We met because he was a developer and I needed something done. I messaged him but he never responded so I just took matters into my own hands. I learned to code and finished my project by myself and never thought about him again. Because of the nature of my work, I ended up using all the coding skills I learned and genuinely enjoyed doing it. It wasn’t until a few years later that I came across him again. We had a mutual friend in our field of work and he introduced us thinking that we would get on well.
We did. We got really close really fast and I loved talking to him. There wasn’t a day that went by without a message from him or staying in a call with him for 4+ hours. We play a lot of video games together and just genuinely talk about anything and everything. It’s been like this for a really long time and It’s gotten to a point where people around us would notice our friendship and ask us if Something was going on (there isn’t.) I would usually brush it off and say that it’s because we’re close friends that’s why we act the way we do. But they always point out my other friends, who I have known for longer than my best friend and genuinely consider them as family by now, and how I don't act the same way towards them. They bring up how I take his side for everything and prefer spending time with him than our other friends. They tell us that sometimes we have our own little world but I don’t understand what they mean. It’s not that weird for best friends to have inside jokes and to be in tune with each other. I admit it’s a little weird how I give him “special treatment” sometimes but that’s just to be expected, he’s a very persuasive guy.
But for a long time we really were just friends. Despite so many people around us ‘shipping’ us and telling us we would be a great couple, I never really thought about it. It didn’t bother me that people thought we were dating. He is a very attractive man with a British accent and I’m told that I can be really flirtatious around close friends (I’m a leo.) It makes sense that people think we’re dating. And I just don’t think it’s something we had to address.
But then he met this guy.
(And before I continue I know I have no right to be jealous since I’m just his best friend and it’s not my place to tell him who to hang out with but I just couldn’t help it.)
At first it was just mentioned a couple times in conversation. They met at a coffee shop by his house because my best friend wanted free ac for a few hours in the middle of a heatwave and so did this guy. Let’s call him Aiden. The cafe was packed and there were no tables left so Aiden asked if they could sit together instead. I found it weird that my best friend agreed because he’s really awkward and doesn’t like talking to random strangers but whatever. Next thing I know they have each other's numbers and they text all the time. Okay, not that weird, just surprising. It’s not that big of a deal; I can let it go. But then I find out that they’ve been calling each other in discord and playing games together for hours at a time??? Like, it’s weird, right?
At the time, I said it upset me because he was wasting time and that he could’ve spent talking to me and having more fun than whatever crappy game they were playing. I complained about it to him and to our other best friend and both of them just laughed at me and teased me for being jealous. As far as I knew I wasn’t. It was just inefficient to be talking to someone that you don’t work with, right? And the guy he met wasn’t even that great so I don’t know why he was insistent on talking to him that much. This lasted for about a week until I got so fed up that I asked him, in the pissiest voice I think I have ever talked in, if he liked that stupid guy better than me. I asked it jokingly, just a small quip about whatever he and Aiden had going on but to my surprise he said that it’s not a competition and that I was still his best friend and this guy was just a crush.
A crush. My world flipped upside down.
“You like guys?” I asked him, my voice shaking.
“Yeah,” he replied. “Is that a problem?”
And I just felt my voice get stuck in my throat. No, it wasn’t a problem. I’ve never had any issue with gay people and never will. But for some reason my chest was tight and I could feel my palms gather sweat. I rushed out and reassured him that no of course not it’s not a problem even though my heart was beating so fast. I couldn’t really understand why.
Funnily enough this caused an Awakening in me. Yeah, I know. Typical. I kept thinking about my best friend and Aiden. The guy he has a crush on. Obviously Aiden likes him back, it’s just impossible not to fall for him. He’s kind and smart and really funny and he has a nice laugh. He’ll listen to you when you need him to and he’ll distract you from your problems. He’s like a ray of sunshine and I swear any room he’s in just lights up. He’s crazy talented but won’t admit it. He played several sports and he knows how to use so many instruments. He’s quick-witted. He can sing but he’s too shy to do it seriously. He thinks about the world in percentages and ratios and angles. He will cry over sad animal videos but he’ll never say out loud that he cares about you. He has such a beautiful heart that's way too good for this world. He’s just all around a perfect guy to fall for.
Then I thought about some idiot falling for my best friend and realizing how amazing he is and it just made me physically ill.
Like, literally sick.
I got a high fever for like 3 days and during that time I was just stuck in bed trying to convince myself that I do not like my best friend. I don’t even like men to begin with so obviously I don’t like my best friend. So what do I do? I go on the internet and take every single ‘Am I gay?’ quiz out there. Even after every ‘You are gay!’ result after result I still didn’t know what to do.
I debated calling my sister and asking her about it but I was afraid of what she would think if her older brother turned out to be gay. I find nothing wrong with gay people just that me being gay sounded so wrong I couldn’t stomach it. So I figure this means I’m somehow gay, internalized homophobia or whatever.
But again, it doesn’t make sense because I like girls. I know I do. I’ve had girlfriends in the past and crushes on girls. When I was younger I used to watch a lot of Danny Phantom because of the girl there. I’ve liked girls all my life. But now I like my best friend. Who is a guy. I like a guy .
It took a while for me to understand it since I was just really struggling to find a label that fit me. Some resonated with me but I just didn’t know if I had the right to come out as whatever because I only like one guy. It’s confusing but I’m used to it now and am comfortable with considering myself queer (as a general term.)
TLDR; I’m not gay. I like girls and I have liked girls before, dated them, had crushes on them etc etc. I came out publicly and received both negative and positive reactions. I don’t really care because that isn’t my concern anymore. Okay, whatever, some men are pretty and I think I’d like to hold their hands. Glad we established that. Now I’m concerned because I like a specific man. My best friend.
WHAT DO I DOOOOOO
Like… It’s honestly the worst and the best thing in the world because we’re already so close that I’m content to live like this for the rest of my life. But at the same time I’m also human and I can’t help but want more. I want to see him in person and to touch him and hear his laugh (not through a fucking discord call.) I’m just so fucking lost and so in love with him it’s getting unbearable. I can’t talk to anyone in my life about it because I don’t want to deal with all the ‘I told you!’s. Also, all my friends are his friends. I wouldn’t want to make them keep secrets from him. So now I’m just stuck.
It’s been about 10 or so years since we met and I’ve been in love with him for half of it. He no longer has a crush on the coffee shop guy (lol fuck him) and has been super supportive of my coming out. Now he’s planning to move in with me and our other best friend that I’ve been living with for about a year now. Only problem is that we have been waiting for almost a year on his visa and it still hasn’t come. Waiting gets harder everyday but I just cannot wait to meet him– even if it takes another 10 years.
I don’t know what to do moving forward, do I confess? Do I keep it a secret? Do I wait until he gets here and then decide? I love him, please help.
138 comments
r/relationship_advice • Posted by u/ilovemybestfriend 12 mins ago
UPDATE: I (22 M) fell in love with my best friend (25 M) and I don’t know what to do.
thank you so much for all the nice comments and the advice !! I guess I’ll answer a few of your questions all in one go since there were a few.
- I don’t really wanna call myself any kind of label just because I’m not sure which one would even fit me. I’m comfortable enough in my sexuality to know that my attraction goes beyond just girls. again, don’t really see the need to talk about this over and over again. I like who I like and I don’t think that’s changing
- About the living situation: we’ve been friends technically since 2011. I say technically because we weren’t Close then, we just knew of each other. We had always planned to live together due to the nature of our work. It was going to be me, him, and our other best friend. We planned this pre-covid and at that time our plans were only limited to meeting each other. But because of laws and whatever, (Don’t wanna get into specifics it’s all pretty boring) when he got here, he wouldn’t be able to do anything that produced profit without a visa. We just didn’t know that he’d need a visa for this because our jobs aren’t the usual corporate jobs so we never looked into getting one. Then the plan shifted to him moving and us three getting a house we could all stay in for at least 5 years minimum. So then he applied for a visa around September and by now it’s almost been a year since he started the application. We have a set time frame now (so happy to be able to say that) so I’m not really worried on the “if he gets here” because he will. It’s just a matter of months before he does.
- I decided that I’m not telling him yet. I don’t know if he feels the same and I don’t know if he ever will. And for everyone that suggested to take note of how he looks at me through call, he’s never seen my face. He’s seen parts of me like my hair, a close up of my eye, and various random pictures of me with crazy filters on. I want to ‘face reveal’ to him first and meet him and finally get him settled in before I dump my feelings on him. I know our friendship will be strong enough to get through this but it’s still going to be difficult to just brush over. I’m banking on his inability to take anything seriously to help smooth us over this.
- And to everyone who asked, no we don't work in any illegal businesses and i don’t know who Dreamnotfound is haha
(also no one asked but im 23 now !! he was the first person to greet me hehehahah shut up)
I’ll update you guys again when he gets here and I finally get it over with. I appreciate all the suggestions but I think I can survive with him as just a best friend that I happen to live with. It’s better than nothing. See you guys in October :)