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This is going well, Cal thought, slowly fishing out his blaster that was wedged between two folded blankets behind the door to his quarters and walking towards the Mantis’s door that had luckily been left open when Cere finally went to sleep on the tips of his toes so his boots wouldn’t squeak, and when he reached the wroshyr wooden frame that was hung above the couch, the sole and greatest picture of the Mantis crew, the title coined by Greez years ago, four faces and BD-1’s sweet tilted head staring back at him and smiling, Cal’s eyes stung with unshed tears and his hand reached up, as if by natural involuntary response, to touch Merrin’s cheek. He sighed, ducked his head, and continued his stealthy walk to the ramp.
He lifted a finger to his lips when BD-1 titled his head in confusion as if he was going to inquire about Merrin’s whereabouts. “She doesn’t have to know, Beedee,” Cal whispered as he walked down the ramp and slid his blaster in its holster on his right thigh.
“Doesn’t have to know what?” A flash of green appeared before Cal’s eyes, almost knocking him backwards to the dewy grass under his feet.
Merrin.
“Oh, oh, Merrin. Hi.” Cal scratched the back of his neck when Merrin fully materialised before him. She had such a sure, solid Force signature that rendered all the light that poured from the planet Bogano useless, that made every Force-sensitive crewmate of hers seem feeble and untrained next to her. Her aura was haunting, it made Cal’s hair stand on ends.
“Hi, Cal.” She was learning so much from Greez. “Were you going somewhere?” She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and Cal almost forgot she'd asked him a question, his eyes were travelling around her face, eyes, her hair that was out of its bun and cascading down past her shoulders, and her uncovered hands and arms and how peaceful she looked if he were to compare her to the seventeen year old he'd met on Dathomir five years before. The radiance she’d already had back then, the one that pulled him in, young, naïve, and afraid as he was, increased by a thousandfold in the years she’s been spending fighting beside him, poking jokes at Greez, learning to (and excelling at) flying the Mantis, withstanding all of Cere’s (as she called them) mother talks, and staying sane enough to look after Cal after his million and one life-threatening injuries. She was so radiant no matter how withdrawn she was, no matter what she’s been through. She brought such liveliness to the Mantis crew only BD-1 could rival.
She was looking at his luggage, it wasn't the sling pouch that he'd carry everywhere, it was a big one, a fully packed one, in fact. Her question was answering itself. She doesn't have to know. He was going away. He was leaving her. Her gaze hardened and a frown pulled at her features.
And amidst her disbelief, part of her noted that BD-1 was nuzzling himself against her calves and beeping gently.
“Merrin, I... was going to let you know—,”
“Let me know? When? When you're travelling through the Inner Rim?” She chuckled sourly. Cal's eyes were somewhere between Merrin's hands and the grass beneath the two of them. She was looking at his gloved hands, hiding the vulnerable, calloused skin she would spend hours treating after injuries, his face dipped with guilt, his eyebrows scrunched and his mouth downturned, his beautiful opal eyes contemplating. Merrin wished the situation were different so she could take him in her arms and tell him it was all okay.
Cal gulped, guilt crawling up his chest. He pushed it down before it took control of him, before he dropped everything in his hands and held her for the rest of the night. His feelings, like everything, were taking advantage of him, but that couldn’t happen now, not before this kind of mission. Cal stomped further down onto his heart.
“Look, I'm sorry, but none of you were supposed to know.” His voice was cold, not a whiff of remorse could be traced in it anymore. Merrin frowned.
“You’re abandoning your crew and leaving them in the dark, do you realise what you’re doing?! We’re all wanted by the Empire, Cal! Open your eyes!” Merrin was no longer reluctant in her statements. Even though she’d never hesitated to give Cal a mouthful if he deserved one since they'd met, now she felt as if she could really hurt him and enjoy it. She felt angry, betrayed, walked over, she knew anyone could do this to her, but not Cal. Never Cal.
“I’m not abandoning you. I have work to do.” A frown took over Cal’s face, and his voice was raising.
“Work? Are you rebuilding the Jedi Order by any chance?” She stepped forward. This was uncharted territory.
“That's too far, Mer,” Cal's face was hurt.
“What you’re doing is too far. Where are you going, then? To meet that Pau’an and walk right into their trap? Have the years not taught you anything?” She shot back. Cal closed his eyes and sighed, loudly, his fingers pressing down onto his temples.
“He’ll be coming after you if I don’t do his bidding, you of all people should know the amount of danger you’re in.” His voice carried an urging tone to it, and Merrin hated how right he sounded. He let out a grunt of annoyance. “I’d figured we were over that mountain already!”
Merrin stammered, for once in her life, she struggled with what to say to accurately get her point across. But then again, this was Cal Kestis of all the people she knew.
“We—We’ll find a way, we always do, just…don’t go this way. Don’t shut us out.” She said, a little part of her pleading.
“But it’s what I do best, Mer,” The silence was growing louder after he blurted it, and Merrin’s eyes were wide. Cal almost cowered in fear, her eyes looked like amber flames threatening to tear him apart. He was the cause of it, worst of all. He stepped forward to hold her by her elbows and she stepped back.
“No.” She shook her head, her silver locks glistening into the night. “I won’t let you.”
“Merrin—,”
“You don’t care what happens to us—, to me if you leave like this, do you?” Cal didn’t hold his tongue this time.
“You’re wanted because you’re a Nightsister, they want to—, they’re going to experiment on you. Surely whatever I’ll do now won’t be worse than being experimented on in a bacta tank, no better than a wall decoration!” Cal snapped, and when Merrin’s mouth clamped shut, her dark lips quivering, Cal’s face softened, albeit involuntarily. “I didn’t…you weren’t supposed to—,”
“I don’t want to hear it, Cal. I get it.” Merrin pushed past Cal to get to the Mantis but his hand gripping her elbow with some God almighty force whirled her around and almost let her crash against his chest. Her breaths were heavy and if there were any tears to come now, they’d fall without holding back, the mysterious hold Cal had had on her since he gave her his lightsaber on Dathomir without a second thought finally coming out into the clear and presenting itself to her. He was breathing heavily, too, and if Merrin craned her head just slightly upwards, there’d truly be no space left between the two of them. Both literally and figuratively. “Let me go.” She deadpanned, and when he made no move, she struggled against his grip.
“Tell me where you’re going first.”
“I’m getting my supplies and going with you.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Who are you to tell me what I can and can’t do?” She did crane her head upwards now, knowing what would happen, she still gasped and froze in the circle of his arms when it did happen.
“Someone who cares.” Cal’s tone went down a few, or a few hundred bars, and it rasped, as if he’d been crying or screaming or both. Merrin scoffed and tried to leave his grip again to no avail.
He wasn’t looking at her anymore, he’d closed his eyes and began contemplating every option he had except the one thing he would rather fling himself between the ravines than do.
“Tell me just how you care. I can’t see any of it, all you’ve done since I’ve known you is neglect every emotion I—,”
“I love you.”
Oh. Oh.
Merrin froze, her entire world skidding to a stop. Cal’s face was desperate, guilty, sincere. She gave up. She resorted to shaking her head and saying “no, you don’t,” in a repetitive chant to shut him up as always. Only, Cal didn’t stop, but looked her square in the eyes to affirm.
“I love you, Merrin.” Merrin started crying and it took all of Cal not to take it all back. “I’m doing it all for you. I don’t want you to face any more of this danger. You mean so, so much to me. So much more than you think.” He stammered. He took a deep breath and prepared to pour more of his heart out when Merrin’s first sob was heard. His other arm wrapped around her back to pull her into his chest. She resisted at first but eventually melted in his warmth. He’d only seen Merrin cry once the whole time they’ve known each other, he’d heard her cry thrice, though. The one time he saw her cry was when his body was refusing treatment after saltwater poisoning on Nur, amidst the crisis, he had woken from his coma briefly to see her balling her fists and covering her eyes with them, her pale face red with emotion, her sobs breaking his heart even more. The two other times were Force echoes on Dathomir, one being near a pile of children’s toys and cooking pots, a little Merrin had broken out of the cupboard to see the sister guarding her laying in a pool of blood. Merrin was eleven. The second one was in front of a religious shrine, a memorial that she’d built in her years of solitude. She was guilty, heartbroken, and she was desperately apologising to her dead sisters for trusting the enemy with their secrets, as if they were all going to run back from the dead to punish her. The fourth time Cal Kestis had witnessed Nightsister Merrin cry was in his arms, because of him. His mistakes. His hand came up to rest on the back of her head, soothing her by running his fingers through her hair. She sniffed and leaned in closer.
“You know, they all said they loved me while hiding me from the droids, before they were all gunned down.” She cried, “You didn’t even consider how I’d feel if you—,”
“I’ll come back.” His words were like a little kid’s, they were resembling a messy, never broken oath. “I promise.”
They stood there in the deep blue moonlight, BD-1 on the side after powering off, Cal holding Merrin close to him as if it was the last time, whispering words that were rendered meaningless by the mess he’d created. Eventually, she pulled back and Cal held her face in his hands, pressed a warm kiss to her forehead and walked away carrying a shut off BD-1.