Archive of Our Own ^beta

The rattling train began to slow down as it approached a small station that until now existed only in his memories. Toya felt the warmth of the sunlight on his skin through the windows, his reflection overlapping a scenery that he hadn’t seen in over a decade. 

He could see the sunflowers from here. The large field was only a few minutes away on foot, boasting a brilliant ocean of yellow; they said that it was the most beautiful field of sunflowers in Japan and so tourists from all around the country and the world stop by every year to see them in full bloom. 

He closed his eyes against the sunlight and at the back of his eyelids he vividly saw them running among the flowers that were much taller than them. They were small, but they ran as fast as they could because they were free and they ruled the world. No one could stop their laughter and even the mud and dirt did nothing to deter them. On the contrary, ending the day with their clothes all crumpled and dirty was happy proof of yet another fun day of no regrets. 

Back then, they didn’t know what it means to regret. 

Now, regret was a drug that ran through his veins, burning his insides and making him feel sick to the core. 

The light shining against his closed eyes disappeared and when Toya opened them, he was greeted by the interior of the station. 

He had one backpack on him stuffed with only the essentials and a one way ticket in his hand. He didn’t know when he’ll be buying his return ticket to Tokyo because he didn’t know how long it would take for him to find what he was looking for. 

He wasn’t sure if he would. 

Coming here was a spur of the moment decision triggered by a desperation that was consuming him whole. One moment he was going through his belongings because he needed something to do—anything that wasn’t related to music—and the next moment he came across a relic from his childhood. 

“Let’s make friendship bracelets!” He heard the voice of eight year old Kohane saying as if it was just yesterday. It was the loudest that they have ever heard her say anything. She was always so shy so this was surprising.  (“She’s a cute little hamster,” An had said. “Nah, more like a rabbit that’s scared of literally everything,” Akito had argued).They knew that she really wanted to do this and that she thought about it for a very long time. That’s what they spent the following day doing after Kohane’s mom took them to buy the materials. 

Turning the bracelet over in his hands, he saw that it was still in perfect shape. He hadn’t worn it in a long time and couldn’t anymore even if he wanted to; he couldn’t believe his wrist used to be this small. 

The bracelet had a large dark blue bead at the center that was surrounded by sky blue, pink, and orange little beads. The colors represented all four of them—Vivid Bad Squad. 

That too, was a suggestion, but made by An. They could be like SMAP, Arashi, and Morning Musume, she said. 

“But we’re not a J-pop group,” Akito pointed out. 

“We don’t have to be one,” An said, completely set on the idea. “Even someone like you can be cool if we have a cool group name.”

“Hah? What is that supposed to mean?”

After a whole afternoon of scribbling words down on paper and killing a whole forest in the process because they came up with so many names and vetoed just as many through hours of bickering (mostly An and Akito), they finally settled on something they agreed with. That’s what they were known as for the next couple of years at school and around town. Vivid Bad Squad was inseparable. 

“But doesn’t ‘bad’ imply that we’re…bad?” Kohane had asked. 

“Nah, it means we’re badass. In other words, we’re the coolest of cools,” An explained just before Ken-san scolded her about her language. “But Dad! Your friends use it too!” she argued. Toya overheard him talking to his friends the next day on the usage of language in front of his daughter and kids her age. Nagi-san sat near the group of men, sipping coffee with an amused smile on her face. 

Okay, so maybe they did get into trouble on a few occasions that could be described as ‘bad’. Mostly by accident. Like the time when Akito and An got overly competitive over a bike race and ran a hole in someone’s fence because Akito couldn’t break on time. Fence aside, he luckily only ended up with a scraped knee and a sprained wrist. 

Or that one time they almost became probably the youngest group of arsonists in the country because they were making a scrap book and thought it would be cool to burn the edges of paper by themselves so that it would look like an old scroll in those pirate movies. They didn’t realize paper caught fire that fast . And they had a lot of them close together. Ken-san almost lost his business and home that day (the family cafe with the Shiraishi residence on the second floor).  

“It’s okay. My dad has insurance,” An said reassuringly after the whole situation had been taken care of and she’s no longer screaming her head off in panic. 

“What the heck is insurance?” Akito asked. 

“If you have insurance then a company will help you pay for the damages done to your home in the case of an accident or natural disaster,” Toya explained as if it’s normal knowledge that a ten year old kid should know. Actually, he only knew because he heard his parents discussing it once in detail and asked them about it. 

“Yeah…Yeah! That!” An nodded. She then went silent. “Wait, how do you know what insurance is? I don't even know what it is!” 

Akito gave her an incredulous look. “Then why did you bring it up in the first place?” 

“I don’t know! My dad said something about it before. Like, we have house insurance in case an earthquake or fire happens.”

“You’re stupid.”

“As if you’re any smarter!”

“Hey Toya, back me up!” 

“Um…Akito isn’t stupid.” Toya knitted his brows, mind scrambling to think of a good defense because Akito always called him partner. “He’s just…Akito.”

“Soooo…he’s just stupid,” An concluded. 

“I’m not!” 

“What I mean is…!” Toya started in a voice louder than he had expected. “Um…Akito is great the way he is. I like Akito a lot.” 

The whole room went silent at that. 

Toya fidgeted awkwardly, eyes on the floor thinking he had said something terribly wrong. 

“T-Thanks,” Akito stammered out. “See, Toya thinks I’m great!” he then declared in a very normal voice and the atmosphere seemed to have gone back to normal. 

An rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure. It’s cause he’s a boy like you so of course he’d agree with you.” She turned to Kohane. “You think I’m great too, right Kohane?” 

Kohane quickly nodded at that. “An-chan is the best!” 

“Awww, thank you!” 

An hugged Kohane and Akito said something about how girls were gross for always being so lovey-dovey which caused An to chase him around for a hug while ignoring Akito’s screams about cooties and they somehow all ended up in one big group hug and laughing at the end.

They were also smiling and laughing in this photo too. He had forgotten that he kept it in the same box as the bracelet. It was of the four of them when they were older at fifteen. It was taken on the day of their middle school graduation. They were still wearing their child-like innocence on their faces despite the fact that at that point they had already known that they were no longer going to be together. 

Three years before this photo was taken, Toya already knew that he was leaving their small town for good.

And he never looked back. Until now.

The summer breeze and sweltering heat welcomed him as he stepped out from the station. The wind ruffled his clothes and the sound of wind chimes from a nearby store jingled as if to say, ‘welcome home.’ 

Finding that bracelet and photo is what led him back here to this familiar scenery. His senior had given him advice to get away from his usual routine and take some time off. He didn’t know where to go or what to do at first but now he was here in his hometown. He thought that maybe he could find the answer to the equation that made up the past eleven years of his life here. 

He didn’t quite know how to start searching but he did kind of know where to start. 

After checking into his cozy hotel (that wasn’t here eleven years ago), Toya made his way down the streets and buildings that are reminiscent of the English countryside. That was the charm of this town and why it was nicknamed “Little England” despite the shrine and temple also sitting in the town center along with some traditional shops as if to remind people that this is still Japan. It reminded him of the views he saw as he traveled to perform across Europe and of the time he spent there as a music student. The sceneries were breathtaking, surely inspiring many to create but to him there was always a sense of emptiness that came with the sense of awe. 

(“Your music is exceptional in terms of technique. There’s absolutely nothing to critique except…”

“Except?”

“It has no soul.”)

The feelings that Toya was having as he took a stroll through his hometown were enjoyment and nostalgia mixed with feelings of awkwardness and unbelonging (and fear?) that seeped into his heart. 

Some things have changed yet most remain the same. Are grandma and grandpa Yamazaki still running their bakery overthere or have they given that over to their children now? Was Aimi-sensei still teaching music at their elementary school? 

Toya stopped in front of the flower shop that held so many memories from years ago.

Who was running Sunrise Flower Shop now?

…

“Those are lilies, irises, camellias, carnations, petunias, lavender…” 

Toya’s eyes followed Akito’s finger as he pointed and named each flower on the shelves. 

“Wow, you know all of them, Akito.”

“Well, yeah. I sometimes help my mom run the shop so I kinda have to know,” Akito said. He said it like it was nothing, but the way he’s scratching his cheek with his finger told Toya that he’s a little embarrassed at the compliment. 

“Will you take over the shop one day?”

Akito shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe? I haven’t really thought about it. But people have complimented my flower arrangements before and Ena spends more time drawing flowers than actually arranging them and helping out.” 

“I think you’d make a good florist.”

“Why’d you say that?”

“Um…I don’t really know but it suits you.”

Akito cocked his head to the side and gave him a puzzled look. “You say weird stuff sometimes.”

It was now Toya’s turn to look confused. “Do I?”

“Yeah but it’s not necessarily a bad thing? Like, you always just seemed older than the rest of us. More mature. You understand things that we don’t. I once mentioned this to Ena and she just said that I was too dumb to keep up.” 

Akito huffed, offended by the memory and it caused Toya to smile. 

“That’s okay though.”

“Huh? Are you agreeing with her that I’m dumb?”

Toya shook his head with a smile still on his lips. “No, not that. I just think you’re good the way you are. Never change, Akito.” 

…

He hasn’t changed one bit. 

Toya stood rooted to the spot for there was his childhood friend sitting on the floor of the shop. He’s leaning against the wall, head resting against one of the shelves with his eyes closed. Half unsorted dahlias and daisies lay on the floor temporarily forgotten by their florist who is fast asleep. 

Perhaps to say that he hasn’t changed at all isn’t true. Any child-like features that remained the last time Toya once saw him when they were fifteen have now disappeared. He’s more well built and his physical features are more sharp. His prominent orange colored hair now had a streak of gold running through his bangs; Toya felt the urge to run his fingers through that sun-dyed hair. That’s what Akito had always been to him—the sun. 

Toya found the courage to step closer, kneeling down so that he’s on the same level as Akito. Finally finding his voice again he called out a name that he hasn’t said in many years, “Akito.”

His friend stirred, rubbing his head against the shelf in an enduring way before cracking his eyes open. Their eyes met and a couple of seconds passed by in silence before Akito suddenly jumped up as if he had just seen a ghost (he’s taller now too, but still shorter than Toya). 

“Y-You…” he stammered and Toya took notice of how deep his voice had gotten. He remembered the calls they used to have after he moved away and how he was starting to hear the changes in Akito’s voice. The calls didn’t continue for long though and the feeling of guilt and uncertainty rises in his chest. 

Akito sucked in a breath and released it in the uncertain form of his name, “Toya…?”

He nodded, attempting to smile. “It’s been a while, Akito.”

Akito was someone who wore his emotions on his sleeves. He’s honest to a fault and Toya never had any problems discerning what his friend was feeling. This time however, Toya wasn’t sure what sort of emotions were etched onto that face or in the atmosphere around him. Has time really changed them that much? Or is it simply because even Toya himself wasn’t sure about his own feelings? 

“Yeah…it has,” Akito finally spoke again. “It’s been like what? Ten years?”

“Eleven to be exact.” 

Somehow that got a snort out of his friend. “Close enough.” 

A sort of awkward silence fell on them again. It’s slowly suffocating Toya, but when he parted his lips to continue the conversation, the shop door opened with a jingle.

“Hey Akito, I need a new set of flowers for the cafe cause the old ones are already dead!” 

Toya knew that voice. He turned around to come face to face with An Shiraishi who upon seeing him, stopped with wide eyes like a deer in the headlights. She then jabbed a finger in his direction and turned to Akito, mouth gaping like a fish before words finally formed. 

“What is that?” 

“That, is a person. And the person’s name is Toya Aoyagi,” Akito calmly explained as if he wasn’t having trouble processing like An just a few minutes ago. 

She narrowed her eyes at him. “I know who that is. But what is he doing here?” ‘Why the hell are you asking me?’ is what the look on Akito’s face seemed to have told her in a split second because that’s how long it took for her to turn her head back to Toya. “What are you doing here?” 

Judging by how she snapped that question at him, she’s probably mad. And rightfully so. He did his best to keep a straight face. “I’m visiting,” he simply said, but felt like it’s far from being a sufficient answer. Whatever long answer he had prepare before he hopped on the train kilometers back had long left his brain. 

Understandably, An raised an eyebrow. “Visiting? Now? After—” 

She was cut off when Akito walked over and stuffed a bouquet of flowers in her face. “Yours.”

“What the hell, Akito? Are you trying to suffocate me to death?” She pushed his arm away but took the flowers regardless. 

Akito ignored her and turned to Toya instead. “So how long are you staying?” 

“I booked a room for ten days but…I don’t know.” 

His answer made An and Akito share a questioning glance at each other. 

“So, where are you staying?” An followed up. 

“Himawari Hotel.”

There’s another moment of silence and Toya was beginning to think that this was a horrible idea and maybe he should just leave this town now as much as it hurts because these were his friends and whatever they had back then wasn’t like this at all but honestly whose fault was that even—

“Is Kohane free today?” Akito suddenly spoke up. “We should get together for dinner.”

An blinked but then fished her phone out of the pocket of her jeans. “Yeah, I plan to meet up with her after she’s off work. Let’s meet up for dinner at my place?” She glanced at Toya. “For old time’s sake.”

Toya nodded at that. “I…would like that.” 

“Great.” An was quickly typing a message up as she moved towards the door. “I’ll see you both at my place at six then. Thanks for preparing these ahead of time!”

With a wave of the bouquet and the jingling of bells, she disappeared into the afternoon daylight. 

It was just him and Akito again along with the unusual silence that he never thought would exist between them in the first place. It was heavy with regret but he didn’t know how to break it.

Luckily he didn’t have to because Akito did it for him (it had always been Akito to take the initiative on things back then and even now that didn’t seem to have changed). 

“So…did you just get here?”

“Yeah, I came here right after I finished checking into the hotel.” 

“Ah…Well, you should walk around. It’s been eleven years since you’ve been back after all. Nothing has changed much but there’s some new shops and new people. A few people from our middle school are still around, but most have moved away to bigger cities after high school. I’d go with you but I have to watch the shop.” He paused for a moment. “Or…you can stay here since the humidity is crazy…I don’t mind.” 

With the way he said it, Toya wasn’t sure if he really didn’t mind. Maybe Akito needed the space to process. He kind of needed it too so he said, “I’ll walk around for a bit and meet you at Weekend Garage later,” before turning on his heels to walk out the door. 

“Toya!”

Toya’s hand stopped just as it touched the door handle. He turned around to see Akito looking at him. Toya could see it on his face now—the emotions that are breaking through. Sadness? Joy? Relief? Anger? Everything was mixed together and he looked like he’s one step away from crying, but he managed a smile instead. 

“Welcome home.” 

Before he knew it, Toya was the one who had tears rolling down his face. 

“Akito, I—”

Akito closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around him, drawing him into a warm embrace. 

…

“I don’t want to go.” Toya was clinging onto Akito as if his life depended on it, hands balling into fists around the fabric of his friend’s hoodie. 

“I know,” Akito said, voice steady for the both of them. “But it’s not the end of the world. Tokyo isn’t that far and we can always text and call each other.” 

“But it won’t be the same. I won’t get to see you, An, or Kohane anymore or hang out at Weekend Garage or Sunrise or run through the fields or play in the river. It’ll be just me in some big city.” He buries his face into Akito’s shoulder. “This wasn’t my decision.”

“I know,” Akito said again, running a hand through Toya’s hair. “But one day you’ll be able to make your own decisions. Just wait until then. I’ll wait for you until then.”

…

Akito’s fingers comfortingly tangled themselves in Toya’s hair just like back then. It’s embarrassing how over a decade later, Toya was still holding onto his best friend like a lifeline—the anchor that he had lost out at sea. 

“I’m sorry.” His voice was muffled by the fabric of Akito’s shirt. “I’m sorry it took me so long.”

It took him years of sleepless nights while building apathy as a shield and bitterness as a sword. It took him years of displaying meaningless medals and trophies for someone else’s glory. It took him years of trying to survive with an emptiness and overpowering guilt  that devoured him from the inside out to finally take a step forward by going backwards to the last place he experienced real happiness even if ‘you don’t deserve it’ echoed in his head. 

“It’s okay.”

Toya shook his head into Akito’s shoulder. “No, I—”

“Toya,” Akito cut him off with a sigh, fingers continuing to work their way through Toya’s hair. “You don’t have to talk if you’re not ready to. You’ll be here for a while, right? Take all the time that you need. I’ve waited this long, what’s waiting a little longer?” 

The last bit was said more light-hearted than the rest with a small chuckle but Toya couldn’t help but wonder if there was any bitterness in those words. He thought he heard it and if so, he wouldn’t be surprised. It was expected. 

But for now, this was enough. He’s glad that Akito both figuratively and literally closed their distance of eleven years this much already. It helped ease some of the fear that’s been choking the air out of him since his train approached the station. 

After forcing himself away from Akito’s warmth with the arrival of a customer, Toya let his friend get back to work and took the three hours he had to himself to stroll around the familiar streets that he once thought he’d never see again. It wasn’t like he couldn’t come back. It was more like he was too scared to—chained into place by regret after regret, guilt and shame, actions and inactions that he could never take back or make again. 

The warmth of the town and scenery that stretched before him made his heart ache. He almost forgot what that felt like. 

…

“Toya, look at you all grown up,” Ken-san greeted him with a grin and a hug. 

“I’m glad that you’re doing well, Ken-san.”

Ken-san laughed. “I’m doing as well as an old man my age can be. An runs the place now so I can just sit back with my crossword puzzles. Unless she messed the accounting up again.”

“It was just once, Dad! And it’s not happening again,” An shouted from the table that she’s setting up in a private room. 

“Is there anything I can help with?” Toya asked.

An waved her hand dismissively. “Just chill and get ready for some good food.”

The door to the cafe opened with a jingle followed by the other two members of Vivid Bad Squad.

“Toya-kun!” Kohane’s beaming as she approached him arms opened for a hug to which he accepted. “How have you been? I was so surprised when An-chan told me that you were in town!”

She seemed a lot more confident now, Toya noted. There was an air about her that’s definitely the same—sweet and gentle—but she was much more opened and less restrained than before. She really has grown. Well, all of them have. Either for better or for worse. He’s glad that his friends are doing well. 

He gave her a smile as he pulled away. “I’m doing well, thanks. You look well, yourself.”

She softly laughs. “I am well, thanks. I—”

“Hey, hands off the food!” 

Their conversation was cut short by An yelling at Akito who was picking fries off the plate. 

“Huh? Why? I’m starving and we’re about to eat anyways since everyone’s here.” He chewed what’s in his mouth and is about to reach for more only to get his hand smacked by An.

“How old are you? Six? Learn your manners and go sit down and wait like a good boy until I finish bringing everything out.” 

“What are you? My mom?”

Fond laughter sounded from Kohane as she watched the scene. “Some things never change whether you’re six or twenty-six.” 

Toya’s eyes were glued to the two bickering friends. Certain emotions were welling up in his chest and tugging his lips up into a faint, sad smile. “Yes…It makes me envious.” 

He could feel Kohane’s eyes on him. 

“Toya-kun—”

“Alright you two, hurry up and sit down before this glutton eats everything!” 

Toya found himself sitting in front of Kohane and right next to Akito. He knew they just talked at the flower shop, even embraced each other but with the vulnerability of that moment behind them, he was feeling awkward again, preferring to focus on the food rather than the tangible presence of Akito by his side. It was kind of ridiculous. He hated this and it’s not something that he can just magically sleep off. It takes work. Forming and repairing relationships takes work and he has been awfully behind in both departments. Connections and relationships were different things. 

But he wanted to try. Even if a part of him felt like he didn’t deserve this (the thought kept repeating in his head like a broken record). 

“So what are you doing now, Kohane?” Toya asked. 

“I’m a zoologist!” she said, beaming. “I spend most of my time studying the animals at the local zoo and conservation center. I also go out to study animals in their natural habitat. It’s a lot of fun and I keep on learning new things!” 

“That’s amazing,” Toya said. He meant it and he’s happy to see her enthusiasm as she spoke. “You always loved animals, especially snakes and reptiles, so I’m glad that you get to work closely with them.” 

She smiled at that. “I’m glad too.” 

“While Akito and I just stayed behind and took over our family businesses Kohane was the only one who went to university. Isn’t she super smart? She’s going places!” An beamed, pulling Kohane into a hug while grinning proudly. 

Toya smiled. “I agree.”

“You attended university abroad, right? Austria?” Akito suddenly shifted the focus onto him.

Ah…Akito knew? Some small part of him bloomed with warmth at that but then again, it would take less than five seconds to find that on the internet. He nodded. “I went to a music college in Vienna.”

“Toya Aoyagi, following in his father’s footsteps in becoming a classical star with countless performances and awards under his belt. He went to a prestigious music school in Vienna and is now one of Japan’s leading classical musicians who is gaining worldwide recognition,” An continued for him as if she was the writer of his story. Actually, many people have written his story. 

Yet, Toya felt like he never got to write it himself.

“It’s no mystery as to what you’ve been up to. The only mystery is why you haven’t—”

“An-chan,” Kohane spoke up, sternly. 

A heavy atmosphere settled on them. Toya doesn’t move, his eyes kept on the pieces of food on his plate. He knew what she was about to say. They all did and had every right to question it. He just didn’t know if he was ready to—

“An,” Akito broke the silence.

Breaths are held.

“You overcooked the steak.”

“Huh?” An got up to peer at the meat. “It’s perfectly cooked!”

“I prefer medium rare.”

“Well, sucks to be you!”

Toya let out a shaky breath that he didn’t know he had been holding. He glanced at Akito just in time to meet olive colored eyes for a brief moment before they both flickered their sights away from each other. 

Toya, you’re pathetic. How much longer are you going to keep running away? How much longer are you going to let Akito’s kindness save you? 

“Anyways, since we’re all here again I guess we should do stuff together,” An suddenly announced, sitting back down in her seat. “There’s a three day weekend coming up where Kohane’s off and I plan to close the cafe on Monday. You planning on closing the shop, Akito?”

“I am.”

“Great!” she clapped her hands together. “Then let’s plan something.”

Akito looked over at Toya. “Anything you want to do in particular, Toya?”

Toya blinked at the question. What did he want to do? He…

“You can decide, Akito. Anything’s fine with me.”

Akito looked as if he’s not quite satisfied with the answer but thankfully didn’t push it.

The rest of the meal continued on fairly normal with Toya mostly just listening to his childhood friends’ chatter and being updated on a few of their life events over the past years.

…

“Toya, I think you should take a break.”

“A break?”

“From your career.”

Toya stared at Tsukasa and was met with a look that is completely deprived of his senior’s usual cheerful demeanor. He seemed stressed. He seemed like he was fighting a battle that he needed to win. 

Toya dropped his gaze from golden eyes that burned with an intensity that’s greater than the sun at the height of a summer day. If gazes could truly burn, Toya would be ashes by now. 

“I don’t understand what you mean.”

“You can’t keep going on like this.” 

Toya’s grip on his coffee tightened.

“You’re going to burn yourself out and collapse.”

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not and you’re not fooling anyone.”

There was a moment of silence as Toya tried to find his reflection in his black coffee. It’s too dark. He couldn’t see himself. His fingers were starting to tremble against the cup so he pulled them away and curled them into the palms of his hands. 

He gave Tsukasa a wry smile. “I’ve already fooled myself this long.”

The frown on Tsukasa’s face deepened. “Well, it’s time for you to stop. I’m worried. Saki’s worried. We both feel like you're getting further and further away from us and most importantly…you’re not happy.” 

Toya didn’t argue. It was a truth that he wrestled with every night in endless losing battles. It was a reality that he just accepted because it was easier than fighting back. He was tired.

“You’ve achieved so much already these past couple of years,” Tsukasa said. The smile he gave Toya was both sad and proud. “Take a break, change the scenery, spend some time to yourself.” 

He pondered over his senior’s words. “But what do I do? Where do I go?”

“You’ll have to be the one to decide that. Just go wherever your heart leads you. Get away from here and go wherever you want. Do whatever you want to do and see whoever you want to see.”

…

Early the next day, Toya found himself in front of Sunrise.

He came all the way back to his hometown but without a clear agenda or schedule. As he laid awake in bed this morning waiting for the sunlight to peek through the curtain and listening to the ticking of the clock in his room, he remembered Tsukasa’s words on letting his heart do the leading. 

Do whatever he wanted, go wherever he wanted, see whoever he wanted. 

He placed a hand over his own heart as if it would beat back an answer. It didn’t—not literally—but he knew where he wanted to go and who he wanted to see the most. 

Toya’s been standing outside a couple of minutes as the shuffling sound of feet and objects sounded from inside. The moment Akito opened the curtains, he jumped in surprise at the sight of Toya. 

“Why are you here?” he asked—more like demanded to know—the instant he flung the door open.

Toya internally winced. “Ah, sorry to disturb your work. I can leave…”

“Wait! That’s…” Akito began then stopped. He pursed his lips in a way that’s telling of his frustration and how his mind was working to find the right words to replace how unwelcoming he sounded. Toya stood there to give him time to process because truly, Akito hasn’t changed.

“That’s not what I meant,” Akito eventually said, hand scratching the back of his head. His brows are slightly furrowed. “It’s just, you haven’t been back in a long time. I thought that you’d want to explore the town rather than sit here in some boring flower shop.”

The next set of words left Toya’s mouth before he could stop them. “It’s not boring since you’re here.” 

Toya would have found the stunned look on Akito’s face rather comical if he wasn’t in minor shock over letting that (very true) statement just slip out.

“O-Oh…” A pause. Then, Akito cleared his throat. “We’ll, you're welcome to stay here for as long as you like. I don’t mind.” 

“Thank you,” he said, following Akito inside the shop. “Sorry for the intrusion.” 

“You don’t have to be so formal.”

“Ah…yeah. Sorry.”

“And you don’t have to apologize so much.”

“Sor—I mean, okay.” 

Akito shot him a look that was a mixture of both exasperation and endearment (the small fond smile breaking out as evidence of the latter) before walking deeper into the shop, most likely unaware that he just made Toya’s heart stop for a second. Just one look made his face feel warm. 

Toya isn’t stupid. He knew what the feeling bubbling up inside of him was. Twelve years. He felt it twelve years ago for the first time when they were fourteen and sitting on the school roof. The time when Akito, after staying up late, fell asleep on his shoulder during lunch. His heart had stopped back then too, heat rushing to his face as the soft strands of Akito’s messy hair tickled his neck. He could still remember the smell of Akito’s shampoo—bright and refreshing orange citrus. Just like Akito. 

He was fourteen, barely a teenager and experiencing the first flutters of love when realization struck at that single moment that he had a crush on his best friend. But he knew that he would be leaving in a little over a year’s time and so he locked those feelings away instead of locking hands with Akito. That was over a decade ago and it was a startling and terrifying realization that those feelings that he kept at bay were now flooding out once again, standing here as twenty-six years olds whose paths have not intersected since their middle school days.  

This felt wrong. This felt wrong yet why did it also feel so right watching Akito shuffle about the shop setting everything up for the day. He liked it. There was something warm about watching Akito go about his routine. This was probably what they call beauty in the mundane and he imagined what it would be like to have this kind of life—to have this kind of life with—

“Is there something stuck on my face? You’ve been staring at me for a while now.” 

He didn’t even realize that he had zoned out and that Akito had  paused to look back at him. Toya could only blink, words refusing to form.

“Hey, you alright?” Akito asked, walking up to him with worry digging into the creases of his brows. 

Toya couldn’t answer. He couldn’t lie but he also didn’t want to tell the truth. But perhaps his silence and the way he’s biting his lower lip was already enough of an answer because Akito grabbed his hand and guided him to the small table in the shop, gently pushing him to sit down. “I’ll go get you a glass of water.” 

When Akito disappeared into the back of the shop, Toya dropped his head into his hands. He sighed and ran his hands upwards through his hair. What was he even supposed to do with these feelings? Any of his feelings for that matter. Could they not let him breathe before attacking him again with something else? 

A glass of water was set in front of him and Akito sat down across from it. 

“Toya…talk to me.” 

Toya only stared at the distorted reflection of the white table at the bottom of the clear glass. It was scratched in a number of places due to years of use. 

“I won’t force you to talk before you’re ready to but…but please .” The way Akito’s voice cracked made his heart ache and his stomach churn. “Please don’t push me away again.”

Hearing this hurts and he felt like crying again. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m—” 

“I’m not looking for an apology, Toya. You’ve apologized enough already and…I can tell you’ve struggled in the last eleven years.” Akito clenched his hands into fists on the table. His next set of words come out soft and trembling. “I’m looking for a way to help you because I’ve been unable to do anything for you. All this time, I couldn’t help you at all.”

Toya widened his eyes as panic rose in his chest. “No, Akito. Please don’t think that way. It’s not your fault, it’s all my—”

“For fuck’s sake, Toya, stop blaming yourself.” Akito suddenly hardened his voice. He lets out an exasperated sigh. “I can tell, y’know? How you think you don’t deserve to be treated as part of our group again because of the years that we’ve spent apart—that it’s your fault. I know An sounds like she’s mad at you, but trust me, she doesn’t hate you. And do you think Kohane’s the type to hold a grudge over something like this? Hell no, she was on the verge of tears before we arrived at Weekend Garage the other day because she was so happy that you came back. We were all worried about you. Still are because it’s obvious that something’s wrong. It’s obvious that we’re missing out on a big part of your life and we want to know how we can help with where you are right now.” 

It’s hard. It’s so hard to not feel like he’s the most horrible person on earth if his friends cared about him this much even after all this time.

Toya’s lips trembled as he spoke. “I really don’t know, Akito. I myself don’t even know what I want anymore.”

Akito was quiet for a moment. “You don’t want to do classical music anymore?”

“I…” Toya began, then paused. ‘Yes’, he wanted to say, but he found the word stuck in his throat. It’s stuck because he knew that he would be lying if he were to say that. He simply wanted a simple answer, yet the answer for this one is anything but. He settled for, “I don’t know.”

“Does performing make you happy?” Akito continued with his questions as if trying to locate and grasp something from within Toya that Toya might not even realize it himself. 

“It once did.” 

He remembered the feeling of the piano keys under his fingertips as a child with Akito, An, and Kohane singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or some other song while he played. Sometimes they would go for hours. “Play this song next!” they would tell him, pointing to a song in his music book or “Can you play the opening song from that one anime?” He was certain that what he felt back then was happiness. He loved playing the piano as his friends sang off key. They were a mess but that was the kind of music that he cherished. 

“Then what changed?”

Toya fidgeted in his seat. The minute action seemed to speak volumes because Akito said, “Sorry if I’m being too pushy. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

Toya shook his head and managed a small, reassuring smile at his friend. “No, it’s okay. These are things that I should probably have processed with someone but I just couldn’t…I mean, I told Tsukasa-san—our parents are friends and he’s a fellow pianist who has taken good care of me—some things but…” He took a deep breath and found the courage to look Akito in the eye. “Is it really okay if I make you listen to these things? I don’t want to burden you with unnecessary stuff.” 

Toya barely finished speaking when Akito’s hand shot out to wrap around his. He froze in shock, but Akito didn't let go. “Toya, listen to me.” His firm voice and eyes that burn with determination and conviction grabbed all of Toya’s attention. “You aren't a burden. Nothing you say is unnecessary and you’re not making me listen. I want to listen. I want to know more about you and the years that I missed.” 

The warmth of Akito’s hand spreaded throughout his body. He indulged in it and took comfort in it. Flipping the palm of his hand upwards, he laced their fingers together. Akito gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. 

“It changed because music was no longer just a hobby. It became something that I had to do to survive. It became nothing more than a tool for success and overtime any passion I had for it was...gone.” 

He tightened his grip on Akito’s hand and Akito ran a thumb over the back of his. 

“I hate him,” Toya choked out, feeling the sadness and anger rising inside of him. “I hate my father for taking away my love of music. I hate him for putting me through all of that. The grueling practice sessions for hours every day and the expectations that kept on piling higher and higher. I hated the pressure. I hated not being able to have a normal life like everyone else. If music meant that much pain then I wanted to quit. I wanted my life back…I wanted what I had with you guys here again but I walked so far out that there was no turning back. I was lost and didn’t know where to go.” 

For years he simply ran through the motions as he was expected to. Robotic fingers over black and ivory keys played perfection as someone else’s creation and plastic smile that hid the deadness inside. Empty days of endlessly running through someone else’s routine and sleepless nights of staring at the ceiling of his bedroom for no reason and mindlessly scrolling through his phone just because he didn’t want the next day to come in the blink of an eye. Not knowing where to go because every turn is a deadend so he just ended up walking in circle over and over and—

“But you’re here now,” Akito said. “Since you made the decision to come back here it means you’re actively trying to find which path to take again, right?” 

Toya blinked and slowly nodded. “I had a major argument with my father before I left. He’s too stubborn and too set in his ways. But…it was actually my mother who came around to support me this time. She convinced my father to let me take a break and do whatever I wanted or needed to do. I think it was her way of saying sorry—of attempting to write her wrongs for letting me buckle under the weight of my father’s expectations.”

“That’s great. Though she should have stepped in for you sooner. Way sooner.” There’s a shift in Akito’s voice for a moment but before Toya could pinpoint what it was, he continued, “But I guess that’s a start.”

A small smile came to Toya’s face when he thought of his mother. “Yeah…it made me really happy that she did that. She’s a classical musician too—a teacher at university, so she shares my father’s passion and wanted me to pursue a career in music just like him, but out of the both of them she’s always been the most lenient and kind, always trying to take me out to do other things and baking me cookies whenever I practice late into the night.”

Akito’s face lights up slightly as he recalled, “I remember you telling us something along those lines before. I also remember those cookies that you bring us sometimes. She likes to make them, especially on your birthday.” 

It was now Toya’s turn to perk up. “You remember,” he said, pleasantly surprised. 

Akito chuckled. “Of course I remember. I remember a lot of things, y’know? About us.” 

About us.  

Those two words echoed in Toya’s mind and he wondered if he’s attaching too much meaning to them. About us …he liked thinking about them but he was the one who ruined what they had in the first place. 

“I hated my father for pulling me away from Vivid Bad Squad and this town but at the end of the day, it was me who had cut ties,” he said, voice barely above a whisper and eyes once again downcast.

“Toya…”

“I didn’t know how to reach out. I was…having a hard time. My father wanted me to succeed both musically and academically so all I did was practice and cram school. The more difficult things got, the more exhausted I became, the more I just…wanted to withdraw and not talk to anyone.”

He had ignored their texts, emails, and calls, not having the heart to block them but also not having the heart to respond even if a part of his heart cried out for them beyond the screen and the distance that separated them. 

“I didn’t know how to express myself or my struggles. Who would even want to hear them or deal with them? I sure don’t.” Toya laughed dryly at himself.

 “And the more I did that, the more guilty I felt. It became a cycle and by the time I knew it, it'd been so long that I just couldn’t talk to you guys anymore and I was scared of what might happen if I did…I hated myself for it. I’m a coward and a horrible friend.” He took a deep breath after finally owning up to the reasons for his silence. “I know those are all just excuses and I don’t expect you guys to forgive me. I just…”

Toya can’t even bear to look at Akito anymore. “You deserve an explanation after all these years no matter how stupid it may be.”

“It’s not stupid!” Akito said so loudly that he made Toya lift his head to look at him in surprise. 

Olive colored eyes that burned with conviction locked onto his misty grays. “Don’t ever think your feelings are invalid. They matter to me.” The most gentle smile found its way onto Akito’s face and it, along with his words, made Toya’s heart melt. “Thank you. Thank you for opening up and telling me all of this even though it definitely wasn’t easy for you. Thank you for entrusting me with them. Thank you for coming back here. Thank you for finding me.”

Toya found himself clenching the front of his shirt over his heart that’s beating out a hundred of emotions that are filling him up to the point that he could no longer contain himself. 

Before he knew it, he was wrapping his arms around Akito who stood up to meet him. The embrace was a reminiscence of his first day here but now there was nothing in between them holding them back as they tightly held onto each other as if to make up for the last eleven years of distance. 

“Thank you, Akito,” Toya whispered, dropping his head onto Akito’s shoulders to hide the tears that were beginning to fall. 

Akito pressed his cheek against Toya’s hair, a hand comfortingly running through it. This was the second time and Toya decided that he really liked Akito doing this. He wished Akito would never stop. This was a thought that he wasn’t ready to share just yet. His true feelings for his childhood best friend were overflowing, but they would be left unsaid for now.

They stayed like that for what seems like an eternity until Akito finally pulled away to take a close look at Toya. He laughed softly as he ruffled Toya’s hair while Toya was doing his best to wipe his face dry and make himself look somewhat representable. 

“Throw all those feelings away and enjoy the time we're going to have with each other, yeah?” Akito said. “Like I said, An and Kohane miss you too. Let’s relive the good old days.”

…

Reliving their good old days started with breakfast at Weekend Garage, the smell of pancakes and coffee wafting in the air the moment he went inside. 

“You made this?” Toya asked in awe as Akito sat down a plate of fluffy, delicious looking pancakes in front of him. He could smell the milk and butter from them and it was making his mouth water. 

“Yeah.” He narrowed his eyes, scrutinizing Toya. “Why do you look so surprised?”

“It’s cause he didn’t think you’d be able to cook anything without burning the kitchen down, duh,” An said with a snicker, fork ready to dig into her pancakes except for her plate to be yanked away from her by none other than Akito. “Hey!” she yelled when her fork hit the table instead. 

With an amused smile that matched that of Kohane who was enjoying her portion without caring that An was attempting to poke Akito’s eyes out with her fork, Toya followed her example and took a bite out of his. Oh…this was…

“Akito…”

Akito turned his head to Toya just as he managed to block An’s assault with his makeshift shield from an empty plate.

“These are the best pancakes that I’ve ever eaten in my entire life,” he said, eyes lighting up. 

Akito seemed taken back by his comment, freezing in place. “Dude, they’re just regular soufflé pancakes…” Pink was beginning to tint Akito’s cheeks. Cute. “But thanks…” 

“No, they’re not. They’re…” Toya’s own cheeks are starting to feel warm now too. “They’re pancakes made by you so they aren’t just any pancakes.” His eyes dropped from Akito to his coffee. He brought it to his lips as if drinking it would wash away his embarrassment. 

Out of the corner of his eyes, he can see An looking from him to Akito and then back before swiping the plate from a distracted Akito’s hand and slapping him in the face with it.

 “What the hell, An?” 

An dropped down into her seat with an insufferable sigh. Toya wasn’t sure what caused it. She hugged her girlfriend (he had just learned that the other day but he wasn’t surprised—it seemed like a natural progression) and dramatically dropped her head into the crook of Kohane’s neck, sighing again. 

“Poor us, Kohane. We’re gonna have to watch this for who knows how long.” 

Kohane patted An on the head. She caught Toya’s confused gaze but instead of explaining anything merely smiled and said, “Good luck, Toya-kun.”

Toya stared blankly at her before he felt the embarrassment coming back again. Wait, did both she and An know? 

“Alright come on, hurry up and eat so that we can get going,” Akito hurried, dropping in the seat next to Toya and beginning to eat. “Damn, I really do make the best pancakes.” 

Toya smiled endearingly, Kohane giggled, and An rolled her eyes.

…

Toya knew he could be sensitive but he never knew he could be this prone to crying. Everything they did brought back memories of happy days long gone. They were memories of the days when they freely lived each day as if it was their last. From morning to dusk they biked across town through the fields and beside the river where they stopped to play. The cool water tickled their feet as they walked across the river, splashing water at each other to cook down in the summer heat. It would turn into a full-blown water fight and competition of boys versus girls.

Some things truly haven't changed Toya thought yet again as he was hit in the face with a large splash of water from…Kohane?

He stares at her dumbfounded as Kohane triumphantly grinned. “That’s payback from when you shot me in the face with a water gun.”

Ah, that did happen. By accident. She almost cried back then and he felt really guilty.

An hollered, giving Kohane a hi-five and even Akito was trying his best to suppress his laughter.

Toya found himself laughing too. Seeing the past connect with the present was something truly amazing and something that he never thought that he’d see again. 

It took him a few seconds to realize that everyone went silent and the only sound that could be heard was the flow of the river. 

“Um…is something wrong?” he hesitantly asked.

“You just laughed…Oh my word, you just laughed.” An said incredulously with wide eyes as if he just performed magic. 

“Ah…” He’s suddenly feeling self-conscious. “I guess I did…” 

“I’m so glad that you’re enjoying yourself, Toya-kun,” Kohane said, her entire face lighting up with happiness. “I’m enjoying myself too. I’m so happy that we’re all together again!” 

Yes, he really was a crybaby today. Actually, over the course of the last couple of days. The wall that he had built to hide and protect his emotions was crumbling down.

Tears were collecting in his eyes but before they could fall, Akito reached over to ruffle his hair rather roughly. “Glad to have you back.” 

He looked from Akito to Kohane to An to find that the same sentiment was written on their faces 

Toya nodded. “I’m really glad to be back too.”

That feeling lasted the entire day as they hiked up the trail to the shrines (“Wow Toya, eleven years didn’t whip you into shape at all. Actually, are you even more out of shape than you were as a kid?” Akito teased), stopped for lunch at a place selling local specialties (“Riko, you’re sixteen already?” Toya really felt old seeing elementary kids from eleven years ago growing into young adults now) and sat down on the bench in front of their favorite childhood soft cream place mid afternoon (“It’s almost surreal to see you kids sitting there enjoying your favorite soft cream flavors again. Oh, how time flies,” Kimura-san fondly said with a sigh).

Everything about today was surreal and seemed too good to be true, like an illusion that would dissipate into the air the moment he blinked. But An’s boisterous laughter as she chased them through the sunflower field in a game of tag was real. Kohane’s bright voice was real as she cheered everyone else on after An caught her. The tangible warmth of Akito’s hand grabbing onto Toya was real as he sprinted deeper into the ocean of yellow, not wanting to leave Toya behind even if Toya struggled to keep up.

The sky was painted in a splatter of orange by the time their little game ended. Toya had flopped himself down on a lawn of grass next to the maze of sunflowers, soaking in the last rays of the setting sun and allowing the cooler evening air to dry the sheen of sweat on his skin. 

This was what freedom felt like. This was the feeling that he had forgotten since a long time ago—buried along with his childhood. 

“Phew! I haven’t run or laughed like that in ages,” An’s voice sounded from above him. 

Toya opened his eyes to see her plopping herself next to him. 

“Same,” he said, slowly sitting up. In the distance, he could see Akito and Kohane chatting among the tall flowers, pointing this way and that as if making observations. 

“Who would have thought Vivid Bad Squad would come together again after over a decade. Pretty crazy,” An said.

“Yeah…”

He could sense that there was something more that needed to be said and so he waited with bated breath until An finally spoke up again—finally spoke what had been on her mind this entire time since he got here. 

“For a while I hated you,” she confessed and Toya was able to let out the breath that he had been holding. 

“I don’t blame you,” he said with a wry but understanding smile. 

“I mean, I don’t anymore. But it took a while to get there. I just didn’t understand.” She pulled her knees up to her chest as if suddenly feeling vulnerable. “I didn’t understand why you’d just cut all communication with us even though we were so tight and we tried to let you know how much we cared for you. I felt like you betrayed us. But I supposed you had your own reasons and if that’s what you thought was best for you during that time then I had to give you space and respect that.”

Toya was quiet as he listened and he found out that it didn’t kill him. Perhaps it’s because he was better prepared to face this now after his conversation with Akito. 

“An, thank you…for telling me all of this. I owe you an apology and an explanation.” 

And so he told her what he said to Akito the other day. She didn’t say anything at all, merely listening from start to finish. It’s only when he stopped talking that she exhaled a deep breath and said, “Thanks for telling me all of that. I really appreciate the honesty.”

“The same goes for me. Thank you for being honest to me about your feelings.” He smiled at her. “Your honesty and straightforwardness has always been your strong point.” 

“Akito would say that’s my only strong point. Which he is totally wrong and Kohane would fight for me,” she laughed. There’s a pause before An spoke up again. “You already talked about this with Akito, right?”

Toya nodded.  

“That’s good. If someone deserved an explanation it’s him…To be honest, the main reason why I hated you for cutting ties was because of what you put him through.” 

Toya looked at her, eyes wide and fear beginning to claw inside his chest. “What do you mean?”

An remained quiet. She pursed her lips, subtle creases forming between her brows as if she’s contemplating if this was something she should say. 

“Please tell me,” he pleaded. 

“Akito was devastated,” she said. Those three words made his heart sink. Those three words unlocked something in An—old feelings and hurt buried under time but not fully wasted away—and she kept going, her hands curling into fists as she fully faced him. 

“The more sparse your contact was, the more unsettled he became. Your contact with me and Kohane faded first but we thought that it was alright as long as you and Akito kept in touch. You two have always shared a special bond together after all, so if there was something bothering you that you couldn’t tell us, at least you had Akito. He really wanted to be there for you thick and thin. But then he started saying that you weren’t responding very often. He would check his phone every five minutes hoping for a response. He was worried. He said you didn’t seem to be doing well.” 

She paused to suck a breath while Toya found that he couldn’t breathe. 

“And then one day you stopped responding all together…But I saw that he would still type something up for you with the hope that you’d respond and tell him that you’re okay. When his mom died…Kohane and I found him standing outside your old house soaked by the rain. It was like he didn’t know where else to go.” 

Her voice trembled and tears collected in her eyes. Toya felt his eyes stinging too as guilt reared its ugly head at him again. But he couldn’t cry. He didn’t deserve to cry at this because he was the cause of his friends’ pain. 

“Even if we were there for him, there was a part of him that still longed for you the most. Do you know how it felt to watch him like that? To watch him clinging onto someone who no longer existed in our lives? To watch him still looking at his screen with a spark of hope in his eyes that maybe this time there’s something waiting for him? And then one day we saw you in a magazine spread—an interview. I was pissed .”

An is standing now, the setting sun casting her long shadow over him. He could do nothing but feel helpless and small in the presence of her anger and pain, his own hurt numbing away into nothingness. (But it’s not truly nothing and he hated himself for it. She should hate him too. All of them should). 

“Here you were making a name for yourself and being all successful and famous and shit while Akito spent the last five years drowning in hurt and worry. I want to rip those pages out, crumple them up and chuck them in the trash so that Akito wouldn’t have to see them anymore. But you know what? He wasn’t upset at you at all. He was relieved. He was happy that you seemed to be doing well. Or at least well enough to be successful and interviewed for a magazine. And when he found that out, it was like he could finally move on. Because that’s all he ever wanted.” 

The tears that An was trying to hold back finally fell. Toya gripped the front of his shirt so hard that his knuckles turned white. It’s hard to breathe. He realized that it’s because he’s shaking with silent sobs. 

“All he ever wanted was to know that you were okay. It made me realize that at the end of the day, what he wanted most wasn’t for you to come back or even write back. As long as he knew you were doing well, that was more than enough.” 

An wiped away her tears with her hands, slightly staining her face with the dirt on them. “I guess Akito hasn’t told you any of that, huh.”

Toya shook his head as his tears continued to fall. 

“I figured. He wouldn’t want you to worry or blame yourself, but I think that it’s important for you to hear. For both your sake and his…But listen—he forgave you a long, long time ago. Or maybe there was never anything to forgive because he was never mad at you to begin with.” 

She took a deep breath before kneeling back down to match his eye level. She smiled the bright and charismatic smile that has remained engraved into his memories until this day. “Toya, I forgive you too. Me, Akito, and Kohane. We all forgive you so please don’t blame yourself for anything anymore. Thanks for opening up about your struggles. Now, let’s move forward and start over together.” 

An wrapped her arms around him and he slowly lifted his arms up to do the same. He’s hesitant and he’s scared and he’s not sure if he’s quite there yet because forgiveness is a hard choice to make. But it’s the right choice in the right direction. 

It’s okay , he tells himself. You’re okay and it’s okay to be here with them and start over. It’s a mantra that he repeated over and over again in his head because if you tell yourself something often enough then surely it would turn into truth. One that you can act on.

When he finally wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace and nodded into her hair, he made his choice. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

She hushes him. “I know. I am too for failing to understand and for being mad at you. But it’s okay now.”

Toya nods, feeling that a burden has been lifted.

“Toya-kun?” 

Blinking back his tears, he saw Kohane approaching them. “I’m sorry,” slipped out instantly. 

No explanation was needed. She got the message, tears welling up in her eyes too as she gently shook her head. “I was worried, but please know that I never hated you. I’m just so happy that you’re back.” 

Toya’s heart swelled as he felt even lighter. 

“H-Hey Toya, are you okay?” 

He didn’t notice when Akito had followed. He was staring at Toya with wide eyes. Toya must look like a mess. 

“An, what the fuck did you do?” Akito asked, more shocked than angry.

“We just had a little heart to heart! It’s all good! Just processing, you know?” An quickly said moving away from him but remaining in a one arm hug.

“But everything is alright now, right?” Kohane said, suddenly rushing forward to hug the both of them. 

“Hey Akito, don’t be a loser and just stand there!” An called out. 

Akito let out an exasperated sigh but didn’t have a comeback, simply moving forward to join the group hug. 

They’re all squished together really close, all sticky and sweaty from the day’s adventure, but none of them minded. Underneath the setting sun, Toya basked in the warmth of his friends that gently cradled his bruised heart. 

He caught Akito’s eye and for a moment he felt a dull hurt that disrupted the warmth. They needed to have another conversation soon. Toya just didn’t expect it to be as soon as tonight as they are all tired and ready for a good night’s sleep but when they were parting way to go home, Akito reached out to him and said, “Hey Toya, if you have something you want to say to me, you can just say it.”

Toya’s face must have shown his surprise because Akito continued, “It’s written all over your face whenever you glanced at me. Which was a lot.” 

Oh…he didn’t even realize that. 

“But I’m sure you’re tired—”

“It’s fine. That is, unless you are and prefer to talk later. I just wanted to let you know that if you have something on your mind it’s fine to just say it.”

Toya already has said a lot. He can’t remember the last time he talked about himself to this extent. It’s all thanks to his friends and he thinks that he should quickly relay his remaining feelings as soon as possible before the flow of time causes part of him to betray him and he suddenly finds that he’s struggling to speak up again. 

Looking at Akito, he nodded. “Let’s go for a walk?” 

The humid summer air has cooled down, allowing for a nice, comfortable stroll under stars that were brighter here than they were in Tokyo. Everything here seemed brighter and Toya could see clearer and think better, the fog in his mind lifting. It was amazing how the last few days have done wonders for him.

The person by his side has done wonders for him and so he gathered all of his courage to speak up.

“Akito, I’m sorry.” 

Akito stopped in his tracks and turned around to face Toya. “Huh? What did I say about apologizing again? What are you even suddenly apologizing for anyways?”

“I…I hurt you.”

“You didn’t—”

“Don’t lie to me, Akito.” Toya found his voice to be firmer here than anything else he had said in a long time. “You’re so kind. Too kind. Even to someone like me who ended up ruining our friendship due to my own struggles. I know that my struggles and feelings are valid but your struggles and feelings are too.”

Akito went silent. Then his expression changed to showcase how upset he was as the implications of Toya’s words dawned on him. “What did you hear? Was it An?” Annoyance and possibly anger sparked his words.

Toya didn’t say anything but that in itself was an answer.

“Fucking An,” Akito muttered under his breath. “She needs to learn how to mind her own damn business.”

“But would you have told me on your own if she didn’t say anything?” Toya quickly shot back.

Now, it was Akito’s turn to let silence be his answer. 

“I’m glad that she told me,” Toya said. “This was something that I need to hear and something that I need to apologize for.”

“Toya, like I said, it’s fine—”

“It’s not fine!” 

Akito jolted and even Toya was surprised at how loud he got. He took a moment to compose himself and collect his words. He locked eyes with Akito, determined to see this necessary conversation to the end. 

“Akito, you were the one who told me that I should open up—that my feelings were valid and deserved to be heard and understood. I want to tell you the same thing. I value your feelings, Akito. So please, I want you to open up to me, especially when those feelings concern me.” 

Akito looked stunned. When he regained his composure, he shifted his gaze away from Toya. Silence hung between them and Toya could hear his own heartbeat nervously thumping against his ribcage. He was afraid that he had been too brave and pushed his friend too much. He’s afraid that he put them back at square one.

But before he could drown himself in anxiety and fear, Akito began to talk.

“I was scared. You were my best friend and I was worried about you and scared of losing you when you started responding less. I didn’t know what to do and when you stopped reading my messages all together it felt like I lost a large part of me…”

It hurt. It really did hurt to hear all of this from Akito’s mouth. But Toya needed to hear this so he swallowed and braced himself. 

“I actually went to Tokyo. Was determined to turn the whole city upside down to find you.” 

“You went to Tokyo?” Toya interrupted him with wide eyes. 

“Yeah. But when I arrived at your doorstep I was told that you had left to study in Europe. You were gone just like that and there wasn’t a way to contact you because when I tried to ask for your contact info over there from your housekeeper, your dad showed up.” 

Toya felt his heart stop. “You met my dad?” 

Akito nodded. “He told me that you were giving it your all to become a professional musician and that your study in Vienna was a lifetime opportunity to make that dream a reality. In his words, he told me “If you really care for Toya, then you should stop contacting him. The last thing he needs is a distraction from his goal. You don’t want to drag him down, would you?””

Toya didn’t know when he had balled his hands into fists until he felt the pain of his nails digging into the palms of his hands. His father never told him any of this. “What right did he have to tell you that,” he practically seethed, shaking with anger. He had thought that his hatred for his father had begun to fizzle out but it’s flaming up again. 

“I asked him if that’s what you really wanted and he said yes cause what other reason would there be for you to cut contact with me.” 

Akito’s broken smile broke Toya’s heart. The burning anger was suddenly replaced by a devouring sense of guilt yet again; he’s beginning to believe that it’s never going to completely leave him. 

“I couldn’t find a comeback. I wanted to yell at him and ask him what the hell did he know? But for all I know that could really be the reason why you went silent on us. Maybe you really did want to move onto better things and I was the only one stupidly trying to cling onto something that’s of the past.”

“No…No…That’s—”

Toya bit his own tongue as he frantically struggled to find the right words here. Memories of seeing his phone light up with worried texts from Akito over and over again flooded his mind.

‘Are you okay?’ Akito would ask.

‘I’m fine.’ Toya would respond even though he wasn’t. He didn’t know where or how to even start explaining, the words clogged up inside of him.

Akito never pushed it too far though, opting to chat about random things from how their homeroom teacher had a stick stuck far up his ass, how the girl sitting next to him in class amazingly beat An in the annoying department, about the new CD of their favorite band that came out, or the new pancake place that opened down the street from his old house. Toya didn’t reply to all of them but he quietly enjoyed every single text. 

But there came a time when he couldn’t even look at them. He couldn’t really do anything . All he could do was make it through the day and practice until his fingers and shoulders were sore because he had to—he wasn’t given an option. Exhausted and empty, food tasted like ash and the world was slipping through his fingers like sand in an hourglass as time fell away. 

Where was his heart? He wondered but didn’t have an answer. But surely it was somehow still there because how else would he feel the pang of guilt since he was lying to his friends and making them worry before giving them radio silence. Maybe it was for the best that they don’t deal with him because he was a horrible friend who left and couldn’t turn back and the only way was forward into an empty future. 

Eventually the messages stopped coming. Toya found that he could still cry. 

Good. He deserved it.

But An said that she forgave him and laughed alongside him. Kohane’s sweet smile held nothing but care and no judgment. Akito’s kindness was unconditional and unchanging from back then.

Toya took a deep breath. “I know I was struggling but the truth remains that I hurt you. I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?” 

Akito opened his mouth, the same words about to leave his lips on impulse, but he closed it. A gentle smile formed. “I forgive you. Seriously, you don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

And the last of the burden that Toya has been dragging around has finally been lifted and he takes a deep breath. “Thank you,” he breathed. 

“Honestly as much as losing you for a while hurt, it actually made me realize—” Akito suddenly cut himself off, looking rather torn. 

“Realize what…?”

“Um…” He’s no longer looking at Toya, eyes flickering off to the side. His reaction made Toya even more curious. Was Akito hiding something else?

“Akito, please tell me. Everything.”

That got Akito to meet his eyes again. He narrowed his eyes at Toya, frowning. “Jeez, you’re so demanding,” he muttered. Wait, were Akito’s ears turning red?

Akito let out a long troubled sigh, hand reaching up to ruffle his own hair in frustration. “I can’t believe I’m saying this now all these years later,” he groaned, which confused Toya even more before he shot Toya a glare that wasn’t threatening at all. 

“Look, don’t laugh at me, ‘kay? And you don’t have to take it seriously cause it’s been over a decade and I was a stupid teenager with a stupid crush who didn’t realize it until he lost the person he had it bad for because he was an idiot.” The more Akito spoke, the faster his words came out and the more color tinted his cheeks. 

Actually, the growing warmth on Toya’s own cheeks told him that he probably didn’t look much different from Akito as the implications of Akito’s words dawned on him.

“Oh…” was all he could say. 

“Yeah. Oh.” Akito repeated before turning his back to Toya to hide the embarrassment of his very late confession. “So yeah, anyways. Forget it. It doesn’t mean anything now that we’re adults. Let’s start over.”

“Yes, let’s start over. But…” Toya stepped forward. “It does matter.” He stopped right behind Akito. “It matters because I feel the same way…Felt…Feel…I…Akito, what if I said that I still feel the same way even after all these years?” 

Akito slowly turned around, eyes wide with pink blooming across his face. He was adorable. 

“Well…I…That’s…Fuck this.” Akito dropped his face into his hands. “I feel like a middle schooler who just got confessed to. I want to die.” 

Toya couldn’t help but laugh.

That got Akito to lift his head up to shoot Toya another unthreatening glare. Poor Akito was probably trying but absolutely failing.

“I told you not to laugh.” 

“Sorry.” 

Akito narrowed his eyes. “You’re not sorry at all.”

“I’m not,” Toya said instantly.

“Since when did you become such a little shit.” 

“Well, it has been eleven years since we last saw each other.” 

Eleven years was a long time and a lot of things have happened in between both good and bad. Toya at least knew that Akito lost his mom and Ena moved to Osaka for art school and is now living with her significant other there, leaving Akito on his own since his final year of high school. Toya was hit with the image of Akito standing outside his empty house, completely drenched and cold to the bone when he didn’t know where else to go. He won’t ever let Akito feel that way again. Loneliness was an unwanted companion—a parasite that slowly kills you from the inside as it continues to grow. Toya knew this all too well.

“It won’t be that way again. This time, I’m not going anywhere,” Toya declared.

Akito’s face softened. “Yeah. I’m…I’m glad.” 

Toya moved forward and slowly reached out his hand—asking for permission. Akito almost immediately took it, lacing their fingers together. 

“We both changed over the last eleven years so…let’s take it slow and take the time to relearn each other,” Akito said.

“Yeah…I agree.” A small smile found its way onto Toya’s face. “It’s a little surprising hearing that from you. Growing up you were always the first one to rush headfirst into things.” 

“Both me and An,” he corrected with a huff. “I like to think I’ve gotten better while she hasn’t.” 

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

“Hey!” 

“And I have all the time in the world to learn more about the current you.” Toya gathered his courage to continue, “I really meant it when I said that I’m not going anywhere. I’m not talking about just keeping in touch. I’m moving back here.”

Akito’s eyes widened. “Are you sure? This isn’t a spur of the moment decision cause you’re a little emotional right now, is it?”

Toya hummed as he turned the idea over in his head. “Um, it might be so I’ll give it some more thought but I am rather sure this is the right decision to make.”

“Yeah, give it some thought first. This isn’t to be taken lightly because it’s going to affect a lot of things in your life.”

Toya laughed with amusement in his eyes. “You know, back then this conversation would have been reversed.”

“Told you I matured.” Akito said with a smirk. “There’s a lot of other things about me that you haven’t learned yet.”

Toya squeezed Akito’s hand. “And I can’t wait to discover them all.” 

…

“Thank you for today, Aoyagi-sensei!”

Toya smiled at his students as they dispersed to go home as the sun was setting. Humming the song they were playing, he locked the door to where the classical music club met before heading back home himself. 

He couldn’t believe it’s been a year already since he started teaching here. 

“You don’t really want to quit classical music, do you?” Akito had asked him though it sounded more like a statement. 

Kohane clapped her hands together. He could see a lightbulb going off in her head. “The local high school is looking for a new music teacher next semester. My friend who works there told me that the teacher was getting married and moving to Tokyo with her husband. Would you be interested in teaching music? Maybe you can even start a classical music club if enough students are interested!”

“That’s a great idea!” An agreed. “Hey, maybe doing something new with music will spark some of your love for it back.” She grinned, nudging Akito in the side. “Like how you’re helping him spark some old love in another area.” 

“Shut it,” Akito scowled, face heating up. 

“Awww, are you embarrassed? How cute.” 

They had to stop Akito from flipping the table with all their lunch on it. 

A giddy smile formed on Toya's lips as he reminiscenced memories from the past couple of months while walking the familiar path home—back to their home. 

“I’m home,” he called out, closing the door behind him and taking off his shoes.

“Welcome home!” came Akito’s voice from the kitchen.

Setting his bag down on a chair, he walked towards Akito and hugged him from behind, relaxing to his partner’s warmth and the subtle scent of flowers stuck on those orange locks. 

It’s these moments that were worth it. It was worth confronting his father about his decision to move back to his hometown and teach at the small high school. He had never fought for something this hard in his life and his father recognized that and eventually relented as his mother helped back him up too. 

“He’s not quitting music,” she had said. “And teaching music is wonderful. Don’t forget I’m also a teacher.”

“You’re a professor at a prestigious university. He’s going to be a teacher at a nameless school out in the countryside. How is that anything to be proud of?”

Toya was surprised that he managed to keep his cool and didn’t angrily snap back. “You don’t get to decide that. The choice that I am the most proud of is the choice that I have made for myself. This is what I want to do. I want to go back to the town that has given so much to me and give back by fostering a love for music in those kids. You love music with all your heart and soul and wanted me to experience that passion too, didn’t you? That’s why I hope you understand.”

He suddenly found that there was no anger inside of him as he said, “Thank you for showing me the beauty of classical music. You’re the reason why I am standing here today as a successful musician who loves music. However, the way you taught me music hurt me. You hurt me and you hurt my passion for music.” 

Toya was trembling slightly as he said the words he never had the courage to say to his father. “That’s something that I won’t ever forget, but…I want to forgive you and move on. I want to teach those kids and grow their love for music in a way that’s different from how you taught me. And I hope that one day, you will come to understand me.”

His father listened to the very end and never said anything again after that. He supposed that stubborn old man needed time. But with the conversation started, he hoped that one day they could sit down together to really face and accept each other.

Right now though, he was happy with where he’s at. 

“Pasta for dinner?” he asked, peering at what’s on the stove. 

“Yep. It’s almost done so you can go sit down. I’ll bring it over.”

Toya hummed in acknowledgement but he didn’t budge. Instead, he nuzzled his face into the crook of Akito’s neck.

“Toya,” Akito sighed with mock annoyance. “Come on, I can’t finish up like this.”

“It’s okay, I don’t need dinner. Just you is enough.”

“Toya!” 

Toya chuckled at the red that spread to Akito’s ears. “Sorry, I’ll stop teasing you now.”

Akito scowled and attempted to shove him off. “You better. Just go sit down already!”

For a moment he contemplated on listening right away. But first…

He pressed his lips against Akito. He’s smiling when he pulled away to see the surprise on Akito’s face. 

“What the hell was that suddenly for?” 

“Nothing. Just a daily reminder how happy I am to be here with you. It’s like a dream.”

Akito laughed at that. “It’s not a dream, stupid.” He leans in close to Toya. “I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”

Toya smiled. “Me neither,” he said before Akito connected their lips again.

It still felt surreal at times when Toya wakes up in the morning to Akito’s sleeping face, to see his belongings next to Akito, to hangout with An and Kohane whenever he wanted, to watch his students grow in their passion and skills for music while knowing that he was playing a huge part in their musical journey. It’s all he ever wanted—to be happy with the people he loved and doing what he was born to do. 

And one day, he will stand on that stage once again and give the world a performance that he’s truly proud of.