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Bellamy was sitting alone, just outside the camp, wondering about whether it will rain tomorrow, when he felt her. He didn’t see her; he felt the shift in the air, the warmth beside him, and he just knew it was her.
Turning to his left he saw Clarke sitting beside him, gazing into the woods. Bellamy wasn’t surprised to see her, they met here every evening. It started a little bit over a month ago, when Bellamy went out to escape the noises at camp and just sit for a while and think. When he first saw her, he almost cried. He felt such a relief, knowing that she was alive and well.
He started talking to her, telling her about everything that happened during the time she was away–164 days–and she just sat there and listened. She hasn’t uttered a single word then, and when he was finished and out of breath, she left. He didn’t even see her leave.
First he had thought it was a dream, but then she came back the next day. He told her about Octavia and Lincoln, looking for Lexa’s people in the woods. About Monty and Jasper, trying to find their way back to their old selves. About Clarke’s mom, and how much she misses her. He talked and talked, while Clarke kept quiet, and when he was out of words she left.
He hasn’t told anyone about the meetings. He knew how selfish it was, but he saw that Clarke wasn’t ready to come back yet. So Bellamy kept it a secret, and the evenings became the most precious minutes of his days.
Today wasn’t any different. He was sitting in the same spot with Clarke on his left, starring deep into the forest. He started talking, his voice just a whisper. He didn’t want to risk anyone hearing them.
“Your mom wants to send another troop to look for Murphy. She just won’t give up, and I envy her for it. How she keeps finding strength to go on. I don’t know how she does it. I… I would love to find out her secret. I could use some strength too. Ever since you left, everyone looks at me like they expect something. What do they want Clarke?”
He turned to her, but like every time she didn’t have an answer. So Bellamy continued.
“I think they want me to find you–to bring you back. Every time I come back to camp, the looks of disappointment they give me, I can’t handle it anymore. I try to ignore it, but I don’t know how long I can keep going.” He let out a breath, trying to sort his thoughts. He usually didn’t talk about his feelings, but he just needed to get it all out.
“Of course I don’t blame you for leaving. I understand why you did it. I do. It’s just that…” He stopped and looked up at the sky.
How could he explain the days of anguish, wondering whether Clarke was okay–whether she was alive? the sleepless nights spend thinking about what he could have done to prevent it. And the other nights, spend with nightmares, waking up screaming? the way he lost a part of himself and couldn’t find a way to fill the void? the way everyone seemed to know what was happening to him, but no one dared to talk about it?
“It tore my fucking heart out.” Taking a deep breath he went on. “Remember when you wouldn’t let me go to Mount Weather? And what you said then?” I can’t lose you too, okay?
“That’s the moment I realized how much I actually needed you. To keep on going without breaking apart. Needed you at my side to keep me sane, to remind me of who I am, that I’m not this selfish monster who killed all those people in Mount Weather.” He looked at her then, but couldn’t tell if she even heard him.
Now that he started talking everything off his chest he couldn’t stop. It felt so good, painfully good.
“I know we did this together to save our people. I know it was necessary, but sometimes I think… maybe there was another way? Could we have prevented the death of all those people? The questions just overfill my mind, I can’t get rid of them. And I can’t talk to anyone about this, because everyone seems to have moved one, some more than others. And I’m just stuck in Mount Weather, pulling the trigger with you.” He wanted to hear Clarke’s voice so badly in this moment, he would have done everything. But she stayed silent.
“I often catch myself looking for you, only to realize that you aren’t here. That you may be dead. How would I even know?” His voice started shaking with his body, eyes burning with tears. Bellamy turned to her, not caring that she saw him in this state.
“You told me you can’t loose me, that you need me. But why haven’t you considered that I need you too?”
He then finally broke down, sobbing without shame. He couldn’t keep on going like this. He would go insane, he would–
“Bellamy?” He turned to the new voice, seeing Octavia coming out of the forest, looking at him with confusion. “Who are you talking to?”
Bellamy didn’t need to turn back to see that Clarke wasn’t there anymore. With his voice barely a whisper he breathed “And now you’re gone.”