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"What are you doing up so late?"
"I couldn't sleep."
Felix is overly casual in giving his response from the end of the couch where he has made a comfortable place for himself, wrapped up in a blanket. Changbin takes slow steps in his direction, the old wooden floor loudly creaks under his naked feet, and the light from the television flickers on Felix's face. He seems to really enjoy whatever it is that he’s watching almost completely muted, he only glances up when there's a hand and a mug of steaming something infiltrating his field of vision.
"Do you want it? I don't like tea all that much." Based on the scent it's mint flavored, Felix's brain registers the information but he doesn't pay too much attention to it. Changbin's face, half of which also bathes in the light of the TV and the other half is immersed in darkness, proves to be way more interesting, so, for that exact reason, he stares at him with a piercing gaze as if he had said something majorly questionable instead of having asked a simple yes or no question.
"Thanks." He ends up taking it eventually. He can feel the heat of the tea on his hands through the ceramic mug, but he doesn't drink from it, he sets it on a chest of drawers by the side of the couch, right next to a bunch of books.
Changbin keeps on examining Felix's motionless figure with his arms by his sides. He doesn't even know what he's waiting for, maybe for him to strike up a conversation; which is weird, considering he'd stopped expecting things like that from Felix a long time ago.
"Is it fun watching…" He turns his head towards the TV when it becomes obvious that Felix isn't going to speak to him of his own accord "...teleshop?" Felix nods absent-mindedly, maybe he didn't even fully process the question; but what's more likely is that he's trying to escape this whole situation.
He won't look at Changbin, that's how he tries to let him know that it's about time for him to go back to his room, he'll be fine watching teleshop all by himself, and he isn't drinking the tea anyway but at least it smells pleasant, Changbin, however, doesn't seem to be taking the hint or maybe he just simply doesn't care because one moment later the couch sinks next to Felix as he sits down. Felix only peeks at him from the corner of his eye.
Changbin doesn't even seem to notice Felix looking at him with those evil eyes or more likely he very well knows, he just chooses to wholly ignore the awkward atmosphere. Changbin isn't actually stupid, Felix really would rather be alone with literally anybody else but him and he's perfectly aware of that. His feelings towards him aren't completely free of grudges either, and he would be lying if he said he's let all of that go by now. Maybe this is exactly why he won't leave him alone now, this might be the only chance for him to find his peace.
Neither of them have any idea when the last time when something like this happened was, like when it's only the two of them sitting and watching television. Those times have been over for quite a while now and when others ask why they've been so distant, they say they're both very busy, they should spend some time together but then of course they don't spend even a little bit of time together.
They both thought they'd gotten used to being so close to each other and that may have been true a while ago, but neither of them thought it could ever go away.
And it did hurt a little bit when Chan exclaimed so excitedly that now that they would be on vacation they can warm to each other again!
They agreed on staying friends so that it wouldn't be awkard for the others; it is the least they deserve after they wouldn't let them in on the whole thing, even though it lasted for over 2 years. Outsiders, though, probably wouldn't use the word "friends" for them and maybe not even they would.
"And why are you up so late? Don't you have anything better to do than watch teleshop with me?"
"Actually, I don't. I woke up and didn't wanna go back to sleep."
Their conversation pretty much ends with this, though that was a rhetorical question, and they sit in awkward silence up until Changbin stretches his arm in front of Felix to take the remote from the armrest.
"Hey, I was watching that!" Felix snaps, but Changbin isn't bothered at all.
"Are you sure there's nothing more interesting on TV than mops and blenders?" Felix doesn't even attempt to argue.
Felix watches with a blank expression as Changbin switches every possible channel to another one, nothing seems to be good enough for him and Felix would like to ask if he will ever decide what to watch, but he only looks at him weirdly when he turns the TV off and the lamp-stand next to the couch on.
"There really isn't anything interesting. Let's listen to some music instead." Felix rolls his eyes, he would love to say no but he doesn't really have a desire for conversing with Changbin even more, not even for just saying that little word, however when he hears the song he has chosen it only takes a second for him to jerk his head in his direction. Felix is shocked, maybe even a bit angry and sad. Changbin stands up from the couch and offers him his hand.
"What do you want with this?" Felix inquires, maybe a bit more pettish than necessary.
"What do you mean?" Changbin asks frowning, and Felix is angry he has to explain, as if he didn't very well know. Is he being stupid on purpose?
"With the song and the dancing and all! You're a thousand percent doing it on purpose!"
"Do you really have to overthink it so much? I just want to dance with you."
Hyunjin's portable speakers silently play Somebody to Love , the song they used to listen to so much, the song that is (was) officially their song, the song they danced to together so often when they were dreamily planning their wedding.
Felix eventually takes Changbin's hand, albeit reluctantly, and he pulls him up from the couch overjoyed. Felix places his free arm around his neck, the one that doesn't have a hand lying in Changbin's, who places his free hand on Felix's waist. Felix just gets more and more tense. Not even a year ago he basically melted into Changbin's touch.
It would be way too generous to call this dancing, they're pretty much just stepping around but it has always been this way. The floor is still creaking, sometimes it's even louder than the music, and they can only hope their noisiness won't wake anybody up.
"It's never going to be the way it used to be."
"Why are you saying that right now?"
"Isn't this whole scene overly familiar to you?"
"I just told you not to overthink it."
"You can tell me that a hundred times, I can't not 'overthink' this. You're not at all sly."
"Why are you being like this?"
"What am I being like?"
"Cold. Distant. Rude."
The problem is, Felix can't name a specific reason why. He knows Changbin doesn't deserve this treatment and he's probably angry at him for it too, he doesn't blame him. Changbin could slam him into the ground and he wouldn't mind. Because he would a hundred percent deserve it.
"Especially since I wasn't the one to break up over text," he adds, technically a stroke of grace. Felix falls his eyes and bites at his lips uptightly. He's so ashamed he doesn't even dare to look at Changbin and he would honestly like to go six feet under, he would like this annoyingly loud wooden floor to open up underneath him so that he could disappear from the face of the Earth forever and not have to face him ever again.
Problem is, he's right. If anybody was at fault in anything in their break up, it was him. He was spineless and obscure, he couldn't give a proper explanation not even to himself, let alone to Changbin, he just had this thought and that was it.
And he wishes he could say their relationship has met a dramatic end; that they said their goodbyes with great ballyhoo and never spoke to each other ever again. Because as much as he likes Changbin (as a friend, obviously), even that would be better than this. The whole thing was just kind of pathetic though.
"I'm sorry." He feels as though he should explain what he's sorry for exactly but even this small word took him great effort.
"You have things to be sorry for." Felix is taken aback at the speed at which Changbin answers him with this, he doesn't even think about it. This isn't like him at all. Before and during their relationship, Changbin could only praise him. "I was entirely defeated. I had to live at my sister's for a month. I wouldn't go to my classes. I kept thinking about what I did wrong, what the problem with me might be. On top of that, you completely disappeared, I thought you had dumped me because you killed yourself or something."
Felix feels guilty.
Changbin spins him around and smiles at him but he doesn't understand how he can be so joyful. Felix feels as if he was the worst person in the entire world and if he feels that way, it must be true and he would surely not smile at himself if he were in Changbin's place.
"Lighten up a little now! You used to love it when I did this."
"You never told me about that. The thing about your sister," he explains when he can tell from Changbin's expression that he's about to say something stupid that's supposed to be funny but isn't going to be, Felix is going to laugh at it regardless though and he hates how he knows this so well.
"I’ve never really gotten the chance."
The silence that befalls them after that is terribly awkward, even with the annoying creaking and Somebody to Love .
"I miss you," Felix would like to say inbetween two steps and with the accompaniment of another creak; but he doesn't say it, the sound gets stuck in his throat just like when you accidentally swallow a hair and it gets stuck on your esophagus but you obviously can't get it out so it keeps bothering you until you manage to wash it down with something. His gaze wanders to the clock on the wall and something clicks in his brain when he sees the time so this is what he says instead:
"It's your birthday soon."
"Right, I'm turning twenty-three." Changbin looks at the clock too. "One more minute."
Changbin spins Felix around once again, he might even enjoy it more than him, but the next moment they stop mid-movement all terrified, almost at the exact same time. They jerk their heads towards the rooms, it sounded as if somebody came out, best case scenario it’s Chan and he tells them to quiet down a little, worst case scenario it’s Minho and they can say their final goodbyes. For seconds, they hold their breath in some crooked pose which would most likely look ridiculous from an outsider’s point of view as Changbin is trying to twist Felix’s arm around his head. This scene could even pass as a sculpture.
As Freddie Mercury starts trilling his line “Can anybody find me…”, something in the atmosphere shifts. As if the Universe or God or whatever didn’t want Changbin to turn twenty-three, so they deliberately slowed down time.
“...somebody to love?” As if on cue, Felix kisses Changbin. He finds that nothing has changed, his lips are still just as soft and he kisses just as well that you never want to let him go. Felix feels like he never should’ve been allowed to experience this again, but Changbin could never even hope to once again feel how well Felix’s lips fit on his. As they part, this is all Felix can muster:
“Happy birthday.”
Changbin is having a happy birthday. The happiest.
Felix quickly, intuitively rips himself out of Changbin’s arms when he realizes just what kind of situation he got himself into and he sips the tea, it’s already cold but he has to wash that hair down before he starts choking.
They said they would stay friends but their concept of what it means to be somebody’s friend, what is acceptable and what is not, how friends act towards each other is quite malformed. Felix is probably the most confused one in that regard but Changbin doesn’t mind, not even a little bit, as long as he sleeps here in his bed with him.
Honestly, this was a poor excuse of an attempt or whatever it could be called because Felix would love it – and he assumes that Changbin too – if they could just talk it out and then they would fall into each other’s arms again just like in romantic movies, and not only for this one night, but that isn’t going to happen. Felix is too much of a coward and Changbin is way too proud.
He said it himself, it’s never going to be the way it used to be.