Chapter Text
He knew it was a bad idea to show up in the first place. He couldn’t tell what was worse, showing up, or avoiding it all together to be cornered later.
He’d been busy when the team tried to bring it up initially, too occupied with a new type of cider he’d been recommended on their last mission.
The team had agreed to sit down and talk about it later. What the talk was about… he wasn’t sure.
That was a partial lie. Well, was it really a lie if it was to himself? It had been set for three pm - just long enough to let him stew in the gravity of it all the entire day.
He’d been fighting with Keith a few quintants prior. Keith had been prodding at him all day, telling him he was wrong — when he clearly wasn’t even following the conversation —, speaking over him, interrupting.
Lance had let him know he was ticking him off. He’d told him twice.
“Thanks for throwing the first stone.” Lance said.
Keith had rolled his eyes at that.
“Whatever, keep going if you want. I could go off.” Lance reiterated.
Keith didn’t bother to respond to that one.
“I mean I don't think you really disproved that or anything, you said all Galra were furry or something so I called you out.” Keith spoke in that false nonchalance that ticked Lance off to the core.”
That wasn’t even what he said. He was demeaning and paraphrasing incorrectly and trivializing Lance’s opinion and-
Keith kept going, throwing out his irritating little non-sequitur phrases and pushing and poking and prodding.
So Lance snapped. Well, he wouldn’t call it quite that. He didn’t yell. He just… let it out.
“You know you don't have to be foul right? Just in general? If you think you’re better than me just because you hold this ‘holy’ opinion higher than mine you can just say it. It feels less like a conversation, more like you clawing hand and foot for an opinion that holds no bearing.” Lance huffed.
The others had stopped their conversation entirely, pausing at Lance’s words. Lance smirked for a moment, confident that his team had his back just this once. No one was coming to his defense. They were probably just confused.
He had waved a small farewell, heading back to his room to cool down.
He hadn’t thought about it again until the team tried to have him take a seat. It was late, he was tired, he’d had… just a touch of cider from the last planet they visited. They wouldn’t let him leave until he mumbled something about picking it up the next day.
It wasn’t until he was back in his room that he realized.
They didn’t just want him to join them. They wanted to talk to him. No, have a talk with him. Shit. Shit. Shit.
He should have gotten to sleep early, gotten his head on straight for… whatever they wanted to talk about. But how could he with the thought niggling at him.
This wasn’t about Keith, he was already in the room, sitting alongside everyone else (like he was some innocent party in the argument). It was about him.
He was the problem, the issue, once again.
He was pretty sure he liked it better when they treated him stupid for his gags.
Now Lance sat, ticking down the minutes until the time came to face his team.
He passed the time by preplanning the argument with Keith. He was gaslighting him. He wasn’t paying attention. He was rude.
Lance always seemed to get lost in the moment, unable to pull up his points, so he wrote it down. He’d refer to it. They’d see he was in the right.
If he waited for half an hour past, who could blame him?
Eventually, he swallowed the lump in his throat and sat to join the group.
Everyone on the ship sat in the conversation pit. All the paladins as well as Allura and Coran were there. So much for a private discussion. He stood at the entrance of the pit, eyeing the crowd warily.
Shiro began the talk, “We just wanted to start this off by saying that we’re only trying to help, okay? We just want to talk about a few things the team has noticed lately.”
“We just want to put all the cards on the table.” Coran pitched in.
They didn’t even preface him. They didn’t say, “Lance, we wanted to talk to you.” no, of course, it was just assumed that he was the problem. Off to a great start.
“I don’t really want to talk about this with everyone. I feel like I’m on trial here.” He chuckled a bit at the end, not due to the comedic value of the situation, but rather out of nerves.
His heart pounded in his chest.
It was overwhelming to have everyone's eyes on him at once.
Shiro insisted, “Lance, sit down. You aren’t on trial.”
That didn’t mean he didn’t feel like he was.
“I feel like I’m about to be attacked here, ya know? I still feel like I’m on the stage here.”
“No one is attacking you, okay? Sit down.” Shiro insisted.
He sat down with a sigh.
Pidge started, “The other day, you freaked at me for correcting you about those who join the Garrison. You said something about how I think I’m better than you for studying this stuff longer. I apologized for misunderstanding you, but you didn’t do the same. You can’t just come at me saying things that aren’t true that make me feel like shit.”
“Language.” Shiro pitched in.
This could have been settled one on one. Why did she have to drag everyone into it? He could feel all six eyes burning holes into his head as he mulled over his answer.
She was belittling him and she’s the hero? No one spoke up for Lance.
“What exactly did I say?” He needed to get the story straight before he could understand the situation.
“I can’t remember, it doesn’t matter!” Pidge corrected.
It- it mattered to him.
Lance sighed, “Well, I said something along the lines of ‘usually cadets join because of-’ something or other. It’s not my fault that you assumed I meant every single person to have ever joined, you know I’m not that dumb. I’m not allowed to speak from experience-?”
“I can get over having hurt feelings, what matters is the way you’re reacting toward us.” Pidge added.
How were they supposed to get anything sorted out when they kept dismissing him?
“We’re trying to tell you how we feel and it still seems like you’re going on the offensive.” Allura spoke up.
He was not! Rude.
Lance swallowed the lump in his throat again,“If anything, you’re attacking me, I’m just giving the reasons why I responded like that.”
Wasn’t this conversation about team miscommunication? Why was he the only one at fault here. Why was it offensive when he was defending his actions?
Lance added, “What about how Keith was gaslighting me yesterday?”
Pidge spoke, “I don’t think he’s gaslighting you.”
Then why had Lance been researching it all night, just to prove his point? How come he only got further gaslighting and ridicule when he tried to explain?
Lance took a deep breath, “I wrote out a document about how exactly he’s gaslighting me.”
Maybe they didn’t believe him because they thought he was dumb - that he wasn’t smart enough to understand something like that.
He reached for his pocket to pull out the document when-
Pidge shot up from her chair, “Lance! That’s not the point! Oh my god, It’s not about right or wrong!”
She cleared her throat, “Sorry, but can we just stay on track?”
That was on track. He was clearing his name. Validating himself.
In both occasions, he didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. He just said how the conversation was making him feel. He gave warnings that he was irritated and watched his tone.
She wanted to “stay on track” but she couldn’t even tell him what had happened that day?
One by one, they listed their grievances. One by one, Lance explained why he had reacted or felt that way. All six members of the team against him. All pitching in and adding why he was such a shitty team member while he had to sit there and take it.
It didn’t matter that Keith was rude and passive aggressive and didn’t express himself, all that mattered was that Lance expressed himself in a way they disapproved of.
Shiro said, “Shouldn’t you just accept that you accidentally said something that made Pidge feel bad?”
It wasn’t an accident. Pidge made him feel like shit, so Lance was going to tell her. Why was this group roast acceptable, and Keiths passive aggressive behavior acceptable, but him speaking out for himself wasn’t? He confronted Pidge about acting like she was superior, so what if that upset her? It needed to be said. He was feeling belittled and offended, so he expressed that.
Why should he sugar coat it when she was the one acting so flagrant?
He still didn’t feel comfortable discussing the situation when they couldn’t get the facts straight.
Lance spoke, “Why does this have to be a public shaming session?”
Maybe they could still take this is 1v1’s. They had to see how uncomfortable he was. He’d mentioned it a few times by now.
A chorus of voices rang out.
“No one is shaming you.”
“We’re not.”
“Why would we shame you?”
No reassurances, only dismissal. Of course.
Everyone telling him he was wrong.
What he was feeling was wrong.
They said they wanted to help. They didn't want to help him, they wanted to help themselves. They wanted to spare their feelings. They didn't want communication and correction, they wanted passive aggression and tolerance.
It was… hostile.
He couldn’t get a word out without six people chiming in. As soon as he explained why he felt a certain way, they moved on to the next topic without so much as a “Oh okay.”
He looked to Hunk. Maybe he could defend him.
“We should work on learning that what we say can be rude and move towards constructive stuff.” Hunk said.
So he really was alone here.
They weren’t getting anywhere.
Hunk finally spoke up, “Let’s just agree to work on communication as a group, okay?”
Lance nodded and scuttled away. He’d left the document out on the counter. So what if they saw how Keith was gaslighting him, maybe then they’d actually stand up for him.
Just because his words weren’t sugar-coated, didn’t mean they were untrue or unwarranted. He’d been getting better. He hadn’t been taunting, or calling names, or making wild accusations. He was just speaking his mind.
Safe away in his room, he only thought about the situation further.
They just assumed he was wrong, constantly. He just… spoke out. What was he supposed to do?
The next few days, he stayed in his room.
He’d write something else. Maybe he could stop being such an idiot and show them that Keith was wrong. Lance wasn't the problem, Keith was. They needed an intervention for him.
He kept him mind on putting it on paper. He wouldn't be flustered again. It would be fine.
“Lance? Maybe you could come out? We wanted to talk about the list you left here.” Shiro spoke through the wall.
Lance remained silent. The door was locked, they’d figure he was sleeping or something.
“I don’t really like how he attributed many of the things I said to gaslighting.” Keith’s voice was just barely audible through the door.
“He acted like we were attacking him. Why would he even write something like that?”
Pidge spoke, “He’s the only one who thought he was on trial, why else would he need evidence?”
Their words dug into him.
They didn't believe him.
They were on Keith’s side again.
Again.
They were always on Keiths side. Of course.
“He didn't even say why he was upset, he just went on about how Keith attacked him.”
What?
“Maybe he should take a break from the team. He couldn't bother to talk stuff out today.”
Take a break?
They were kicking him out.
He was the issue. He was the problem. He was the weak link. He was the jerk.
If he was going to be alone in the team, he might as well be alone.
If they were going to kick him out, he’d leave.
He finished what he was writing out. It didn't matter.
He left his Bayard on top of the note.
Blue would be fine without him.
Everyone would be fine without him.
They could find a new paladin.