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From a fierce battle with one of Kafka's Varuga who dropped the revelation that he was actually a post-human, the scenery suddenly switched to his mindscape.
Ah, the fact that he was not human made sense to him now. It explained the patch Yogi had to wear all the time. Then, when the Varuga destroyed his Circus bracelet, he was still able to use his epees and create rose vines from the ground.
Of course, when the Varuga first told Yogi about the possibility that he was post-human, Yogi had outright denied it. All these while, he had always lived as a human and never questioned his humanity. Unfortunately, the Varuga proved that point even further by slicing Yogi’s hand off the same wrist where the Circus bracelet used to be.
The hand grew back a short while later, but not until Yogi screamed from the sheer shock and excruciating pain that came with it. After this feat, it was undeniable to Yogi that he was definitely not human.
Before he could process more about everything that had just happened, something appeared in his vision, interrupting his thoughts.
Seated opposite and far away from each other, was his silver haired counterpart who spoke first.
‘Yogi. Am I… scary?’ he asked. Instead of the usual berating on how Yogi always messed up his battles and then looking forward to take over from there, he lowered his head, avoiding eye contact with Yogi.
Does this voice know those lost ten years? Yogi had no memories of the first ten years of his life before Circus took him in. He also had this feeling that it may have something to do with why there was a silver-haired version of himself living inside his mind.
He thought about his impression of him. The silver haired version of him was a strange one. He was always eager about fighting, unlike himself. Way too eager, from the way he spoke about making the enemy scream and laughing at the sight of the enemy getting stabbed by epees or rose vines. Then there was this dark and cold vibe he always felt from him.
‘Yeah,’ he muttered hesitantly. Wait, maybe he answered too quickly. Despite all these terrible things, he did save him so many times whenever he could not make it in battle. So in some way, his existencewas quite reassuring. But definitely more scary though.
‘Why?’ The voice from the other side was now a whisper, sounding even more dejected from before.
‘You’re asking… why?’ Ah, maybe he had hurt his feelings by agreeing that he was scary. How should he answer this time and make him feel not so bad?
‘Because you are… strong,’ Yogi replied. He was the one who healed all the injuries he received from battle and finished it easily. Circus even depended on him to be a one man army to decimate Varuga when their fighters were unable to cope. He could never be this strong.
He always knew that he ended up being a Circus fighter just because he happened to be taken in by Circus. Had it not happened, knowing himself, he would have never went on this path.
Out of everyone, he had the highest incident rate. He wondered why Circus hasn’t kicked him out… Surely other people were much better than him.
And… There’s a large gaping hole between him and the one opposite him right now. It seems that he was being swallowed into that hole. A huge hollow. Yogi knew that he need the strength… to plug that gap.
Actually, come to think of it, he had no idea which of them is controlling this body anymore… seeing that both of them are in their mind right now.
If nobody is in control, at this rate… they will disappear. He can feel that his consciousness is already…
‘Yogi… listen.’ He finally spoke again after a long pause. Standing up from the chair, he started walking towards Yogi. Unsure of how to react, Yogi remained seated on his chair. What was he thinking?
‘I’m not all that strong. Look… at me. Please.’ He had always tried his best to be strong for the both of them. After all, he was already strong due to the royal blood and high concentration of Incuna-compatible cells of his host, along with how Kafka had made him into this… monster.
For him, he had to protect him from all the bad things that hurt him by killing or destroying them. For himself, he had to be strong to just stay awake in the real world and fight against Circus’s attempts to send him to sleep.
However, living like this for so long had led him to realise that he could only excel on the battlefield. Outside of it, he was helpless and all alone. And he was scared too. Just like a child.
He really wanted to reach out to all the people around Yogi, but everyone wanted him gone. The worst thing was that there was nothing that he could do about this.
Ah, even after so long, he was still not much different than when he was willed into existence by him, eleven years ago.
‘Don’t erase me.’ Like those around him, would Yogi want him gone too? And since he was created by him, he could easily get rid of him by deciding to do so. Even if he had been through so much sadness, he still wanted to continue living. He had to, for his sake.
A silver… child… Yogi was taken aback when he saw him turn into a child, of around ten years old. A single tear rolled down his cheek from his closed eyes, while he put his hands on his shoulders.
Suddenly, he looked so vulnerable and defenseless. It was the first time Yogi had ever seen him like that. Suddenly, he thought of all those times he had returned to their inner world, upset about having his play time in the real world shortened by Circus. He always made sure to hide his face and keep silent at times like this, because he was unable to express himself. Therefore, Yogi only remembered his twisted smiles and thought that he was invincible.
How wrong he was. ‘I see… I was not the only one who was afraid. You were as well…’ Yogi answered. He cracked a slight smile as he held his hand gently while moving it away, before shifting to a standing position to get ready for the battle outside in the real world.
‘Okay… I will save you!’ Having understood how he was really like, Yogi was determined to salvage him from this suffering and make him smile, just like how he did to so many others around him. A genuine smile from happiness, not his usual distorted sadistic ones. He had no idea how he was going to do that, but he hoped that he could do it somehow.
To achieve that, he will have to survive this fight first. Back in the real world, Yogi found that he was easily gaining the upper hand over the Varuga. Perhaps he had gained more power through understanding and accepting him.
All too soon, Yogi dealt the last blow to the Varuga and it fell to the ground. ‘I’m… sorry,’ Yogi muttered. Even after recent events, he still hated to fight and to kill. He was sure that somebody will be sad that this Varuga was gone. And it was because Yogi killed it. But the same might have happened to Yogi. If he died here, everyone from Circus would be very sad.
While Yogi let out a huge sigh, he heard footsteps approaching him. Looking up from the fallen Varuga, Yogi found himself looking at Hirato. Who will have a lot of answering to do… after Yogi somehow manages to organise his thoughts, which are in a convoluted mess right now.
‘Well done, Yogi. I’m glad you’re alright. Is there anything to report?’ Hirato asked. He knew that Yogi’s Circus bracelet had been destroyed because he was unable to track Yogi’s location from the tracking device placed there. This was very worrying, considering that Hirato held full responsibility for Yogi. Thankfully, it did not happen this time.
‘No, there’s nothing to report.’ Yogi lied. This battle had exhausted him tremendously. Besides that, he had no idea what to say to Hirato, even if he wanted to report whatever that had just happened.
Hirato nodded as he comprehended what Yogi had said. ‘Alright. Go back to the ship and get Akari-sensei to look at your injuries. You kind of look worse for wear. Also, do remember to replace your patch and rest well, alright?’
As he spoke, Hirato looked at Yogi’s unusually crestfallen expression and what looked like an extra hand next to the dead Varuga on the ground. A lot of things must have happened just now. No matter how good Yogi was at hiding things from people, Hirato could always look through him. But now was not a good time to inquire more, so he decided to leave it to later.
Yogi tried his best to force a smile on his face before acknowledging Hirato’s order. ‘Got it, and you should head back soon too, Hirato-san.’
As he made his way back to the ship, Yogi saw him putting his index finger on his lip. ‘I’ve… lied,’ he mumbled to himself.
Well, the lie he told just now was probably nothing compared to the lies that Circus had told him for so many years.