Work Text:
Drowning. A word that can be said in many languages. A simple word in the English dictionary meaning to die through submersion in and inhalation of water. He doesn't like drowning. He hates it. So as he sits in the warm water of the bathtub in his room, he thinks of how it felt to drown before.
When you drown, your instincts tell you to kick, to jump, you’re so desperate to get to that surface, you’re acting as if you’re running. You really can’t help it. It’s so frustrating because you know you’re a lost cause, and you’re in a constant state of panic. You’re gagged by water and you can’t scream, they can’t see you, you’re down way too deep. You can only pray that they realize something is wrong.
But you have to wait. And waiting is the worst part of drowning.
Eventually, your lungs start to burn. You’re desperate for that sweet taste of oxygen, you want to go home. You keep thinking you can breathe, you’re in absolute denial - but you just can’t breathe. You start holding your throat (your mind is haywire, you can’t swim, you want to stop yourself from inhaling), and the pressure makes it feel like you’re exploding. Eventually, your lungs give out, and you take a deep, deep breath.
You’re desperate for satisfaction, craving to breathe so desperately, but you just feel the water fill you and make you heavier, you feel the weight of it clog all your orifices. Try sticking your head in a bucket. It’s hard to explain but the weight of water just .. hurts so badly in the end.
He remembers vividly of the day he had drowned before being rescued. He remembers the wind rushing around him as he stared helplessly at the edge of the cliff where he could see the faint figure of a girl he had trusted. All before his back had hit the water, almost leaving him breathless at the sudden feeling. He tried to kick up to the surface in panic, though to no avail. He hadn't learned to swim. He regrets not learning as he sunk down into the depths.
As he inhaled more and more water, he began to feel really dizzy. Then calm. He had almost left his body, it felt like he was waking up from a deep, long nap, and he was still in the after-effects of it. He was on the seafloor now, too weak to do anything, watching through burning eyes as the waves formed and overlapped one another, and he was just so calm. Death hadn't worried him for the moment, which was weird, because he was terrified of dying. As everyone was.
His vision started to spot and he started to hallucinate Nana and his classmates- there’s no oxygen to his brain, so of course he's going to hallucinate. Eventually, he blacked out. After that he had woken up in the hospital, lab, or whatever.
He sighs, shifting his body to stretch his legs out, instead of hugging his knees as he was before, causing the water to ripple from the movements. That day was still a touchy subject for him. While he had gotten more skillful and knowledgeable about his own talent and learned the truth about the enemies of humanity and the talented, he has refused to talk about much of what had happened, despite the constant pressure he receives from the scientists who made it their own problem to make sure his mental health was intact.
Tsuruoka had expressed his own opinion about it, saying that talking about it would perhaps help him resolve his motivation to deal with Nana in the future - to get rid of more pesky emotions that might get in the way - but still letting him be and have his own choice in the matter. After that, neither of them talked about it, nor the scientists who never talked about it or brought it up again. If that was of the older man's own doing, then he's quite grateful for that, though he won't express it in front of that old man.
He hunches down in the bathtub, casually and lazily watching as the few bubbles float aimlessly around, before sitting up to wash his hair. Using his hands to scoop some water and dousing his hair in the warm water, feeling the heat soaking his hair and making it flatten against his back and shoulders, and causing his scalp to tingle slightly. He moved his hair to one side so he could comb it out with his fingers, falling into a gentle and calming rhythm.
The tense feeling in his shoulders disappeared during the brief moment of peace within his mind.
He hates drowning.
He stops in his action and drops his hands to his side, palms touching the floor of the tub. He stares blankly at the slightly rippling water, eyes glazed as if he was somewhere else.
He hates drowning. Both physically and mentally. Drowning in his own dark thoughts and actions disgusts him, but he still does it, he can't help it. Drowning in those dark thoughts of his was satisfying in a way.
He slowly sinks his body into the bathtub, the warm water reaching up to his neck. His gaze still seems distant and glazed.
He hates drowning. It is always cold. The water that surrounds him always makes his entire body turn cold.
His head submerges under the water. He can't hear anything, but the sound of the water moving around him. His eyes remained closed. Why is he holding his breath? He can't breathe… HE CAN'T BREATHE.
He struggles to hold his breath, all before giving in to breathe in the water. The water burns. He's choking. HE'S DROWNING.
His eyes flutter open under the water. His sight is blurry. He can see the light in the bathroom reflecting on the water. He faintly hears the door to the bathroom slamming open. Soon after, through blurry vision, he sees a pair of gloved hands grab him by the shoulders and pull him out of the water.
His feet touch the very cold tiles of the bathroom floor. A soft towel is wrapped around him. No words are spoken, there is an awkward lingering silence that remains as he leaves. He stares blankly at the floor. His eyes are slightly teary from opening them under water or from something else - he doesn't know nor does he care.
He knows they'll talk about this some other time, but for now he'll be left alone.
He hates drowning, but sometimes drowning is nice. Even if he isn't drowning in water, he'll always drown in his own way. He's been drowning for a long time, nothing can stop it at this point. If anyone tries to save him, then he'll drag them down and drown them too.