Work Text:
The thing Tulip missed the most after the divorce was her computer. Of course she understood how that made her sound. Like she was so addicted to her electronics she didn’t even care her parents had split her entire world apart. But no, Tulip cared. Tulip cared so, so much. She was slowly slipping into the crack her parents had made, and the only thing keeping her up was the computer she gripped as she dangled over the chasm.
Ok, it wasn’t the computer per se, but what was on the computer. Her game. The game she spent hours on, read dozens of books for, and poured her entire soul into.
Her parents would fight, and she would put on her headphones and fight the computer to just get her code to work right. She would ignore the voices downstairs, and act like the game was all there was in the world.
Even when the voice downstairs became just one she still ignored it, simply leaning further forward in her seat, focusing on her game. She could see her frowning face reflected on the computer screen, with a look like it was judging her. Who knew? Maybe reflections really could judge people.
The first night she spent at her dad’s house she thought of her game.
Her dad led her around his new house, empty and barren except for the few pieces of furniture that he had taken from the house he had once shared with her mom. The couch he had slept on, the blanket Tulip had thrown over him. The TV that was playing that bike ad.
Whenever those nights of comforting her dad played over in Tulip’s mind - and they did quite often - it was that ad that was constant. It looped and looped until Tulip wanted to throw the TV and smash it to bits. She had a feeling that even if she did the ad would still somehow be playing, and she would once again be throwing a blanket over her crying dad and feeling so many emotions.
Angry at her mom, for making her dad sleep on the couch and taking the bed. Why didn’t she ever sleep on the couch?
Angry at her dad, because he must have done something to be the one on the couch right?
Angry at herself for trying to always find a right and wrong in a messy, messy world of gray.
Angry at herself for judging her parents and not just being there helping them like a good daughter would.
Angry at her parents for making her be the one who felt like she had to take care of them.
Angry at herself for being angry about helping her parents.
Angry at the world for breaking under her feet.
Angry at her parents for being the ones to break it.
Angry at herself for being angry.
Angry at herself for feeling.
And she was sad too. A deep all-encompassing sadness that permeated her very core.
It was this same deep sadness she could tell her dad was trying to hide as he showed off his house. It was desperate almost. Please, I want you to like my house. I want you to be happy. I want to prove to you that I’m happy. That we can still have a happy life the way we were before. Look at this, a whole new room you can decorate! Not a new house, an extension of your old one!
But Tulip didn’t want a new room or some faux version of her old life.
Tulip wanted her computer.
Tulip almost wanted to go home, but cringed at that wording. Her dad was trying so hard to make his new house also a home. To try to recreate some life where they were a family again minus her mom, the same as her mom was trying to make a life where they were a family again minus her dad. How did one deal with such conflicting halves?
Asking to go back to her mom, back to her original house, by using the word home, felt like spitting on and stomping on everything her dad was trying to make. And Tulip knew how selfish she was being.
But Tulip really, really wanted her computer.
The game she was coding was a game of good vs evil, a linear game of black and white. Good Guys Poppin’ Bad Guys, that was the literal name. And it made sense.
It was horrible, convoluted shades of gray that destroyed your life. Horrible, convoluted shades of gray left you with no one to reasonably blame as you had to scramble to pick up the pieces and balance the emotions of your parents while at it.
Then freedom came in the form of Game Design Camp. Time away from her parents, which, as much as she hated to admit it, she longed for. Time to spend working solely on her game. Time for things that made sense.
So when her parents told her there was a scheduling error, that there would be no Game Design Camp, it was like the ground had split under her again. She had only just begun to pick it up.
“What, so you’re both too busy to be my parents?”
The conversation she had just had with her mom tumbled around in her head, in a loop.
“This isn’t fair!”
Tulip grabbed her backpack and stuffed the brochure for Game Design Camp in. Then she crept into her bathroom and grabbed her toothbrush. She didn’t know how long she would be gone.
“You guys are the ones whose divorce keeps messing everything up, not me!”
They were words yelled deep in anger and emotion, sure. But they still were true. She hadn’t asked for her life to be turned upside down. Her parents weren’t even trying to make this easier for her.
“Good at what? Good at being divorced?”
Tulip pulled her boots onto her feet and stood up, taking a deep breath.
“It’s not that hard!"
Tulip shimmied open her window and hopped out. The cold, frozen air bit at her face. And Tulip was prepared to walk 300 miles through it to get to Game Design Camp.
Because Tulip just really wanted her game.