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Geréb leaned his back against the gate and took a drag of his cigarette. He enjoyed the way the smoke reached the very depths of his lungs and traveled through his cells. His situation seemed utterly hopeless, but he had to at least try the impossible. Just thinking about the conversation his parents had this morning – which he accidentally eavesdropped – made his blood boil.
This morning, when he strolled down the stairs unsuspectingly, his hair still messy from sleep, to grab a bite then leave for university, he overheard the conversation his father and mother were having.
“...ever gets over him. I wish he introduced someone new to us!”
Geréb stopped in his tracks. His parents were sitting at the table, they didn’t notice him from where he was standing. Geréb knew they were talking about him right off the bat. His father’s strict voice continued.
“I just don’t understand what’s so good about that Boka boy for Dezső to be so… attached to him?” Geréb almost snorted. Of course his father can’t bring himself to say he loves, perhaps likes Boka, despite the fact that during the fight, in which Geréb came out, he clearly yelled “Plus I love Boka!” . His father flipped out at first but over the course of the past year he slowly came to terms with it, thanks to his mother’s intervention.
“Polite, quiet, kind… that’s exactly what I find strange about him.”
“I agree, a kid should be bad and disobeying. There has to be something up with unconditional obedience.” Geréb heard his father flip the page of his newspaper, heard his mother stir her coffee. The teaspoon clinked mockingly.
If unconditional obedience is bad then why do they expect it of him? This is when the idea, because of which he was smoking the calming cig right now, started forming in him.
“Maybe he just had to grow up too soon, his mom did die after all” Geréb’s mother sighed.
“And that turned him into an icicle?”
Geréb gasped but the clicking of the spoon muffled his voice. Boka wasn’t an icicle. His face flushed when he got mad, even though that usually only happened when one of them did something stupid, but someone had to look after the gang. Boka could laugh heartily and Geréb has seen him cry. Boka was human through and through. The most beautiful kind of human Geréb has ever seen. As well as the most incomprehensible kind, too.
“I’d just be so happy if Dezső’s life didn’t only revolve around that Boka boy” his mother sighed anxiously.
Okay, that hurt! I’ll have you know, Geréb’s life didn’t only revolve around him. As a freshman in college he studied, partied, he even had friends who accepted him back despite all his past fuckups. And he had Boka, who sincerely forgave him.
Geréb wasn’t willing to listen to this any longer, instead he angrily made his way to the table and flopped down on his chair.
“Do you have to gallop in like a feral horse?” his father looked up from the economic news section. Geréb was ready to answer “Would you prefer if I were an icicle, like Boka?”, but held himself back.
He messed with his sunny side ups in silence while trying to think of ways to get his parents to accept Boka, to see what he sees: perfection. After he lapped up all the liquidy yolk and gobbled down the fried eggwhites, Geréb said:
“Can I invite someone for dinner?”
“Who? Boka?” his father asked as he turned the page again.
“No, the guy I’m dating. Who isn’t Boka, not Boka at all” he sputtered.
This made his father look up properly and the teaspoon stopped in his mother’s hand.
“Do we know him?” his mother asked, dumbfounded.
There were suddenly a million thoughts in Geréb’s head and he blurted out the name of the first person he thought would be on board with this scheme.
“It’s…it’s Csónakos!”
And that’s how he ended up in this mess. Here he was now, leaning against the gate, ready to try to convince Csónakos to pretend to be his gay boyfirend.
Geréb stepped on his cigarette with a sigh and kicked the butt into a nearby man-hole with the tip of his shoe. That’s when Csónakos arrived, panting heavily. He leaned ahead with his right hand pressed against his side. His brown hair was all over the place and his face was flushed from running.
“Fuckin’ subway caught fire again. I thought I’d be late… Is everything okay?”
“I’ve gotta talk to you,” said Geréb. It bothered him that he didn’t dare look him in the eye. “Let’s skip Komlay’s lecture!”
“Goddamn, I ran all the way for this” Csónakos muttered but followed Geréb nonetheless. “What’s wrong, dude?”
Geréb had no idea where to start. He wondered how much Csónakos needs to know to understand the situation. And to say yes?
Geréb has even thought of going home alone, saying Csónakos couldn’t come, but he immediately discarded the idea when he pictured his father’s all-knowing, arrogant expression. He had to convince Csónakos!
“Are you free this afternoon?”
“Maybe. Depends.”
Geréb halted, Csónakos took a few more steps before realizing and turning back. His gaze held curiosity and some strange, unknown emotion. Maybe distrust. Of course, Csónakos has never truly forgiven him.
After they lost the Grund, Csónakos didn’t talk to him for an entire year, save for greetings, until they ran into each other by Nemecsek’s grave on his death’s first anniversary. The rain was pouring, they both fit under Geréb’s huge, black umbrella, they didn’t even have to touch each other. The lanterns on the grave kept going out because of the rain but Csónakos dutifully relit them every minute. Geréb ended up having to drag him away from there so he didn’t get pneumonia as well. They walked home together in complete silence, protected by the umbrella. The next day Csónakos acted really strange, almost as if he overcame the past. Geréb almost burst into sobs when the boy brought him a chicken sandwich from the canteen. It came with a note: sorry about the VP position. Csónakos was like that. And Geréb forgave him for convincing everyone to have him replaced as class vice-president after Nemecsek died.
“Can you come over for dinner?” Geréb began voicing the inevitable.
Csónakos stared at him for a good ten seconds before bursting out laughing.
“Are you kidding? Why would I do that?”
Geréb knew everything rode on the next few minutes. He just has to say the right things. It could totally work out, seeing how Csónakos was always on board with any bullshit.
“You’d have to pretend we’re dating.”
“Geréb, what the fuck is wrong…” Csónakos took a step backwards with a horrified expression on his face.
“Listen, my parents are always on my ass about bringing someone home.”
“So why don’t you take a chick home, dude?” Geréb stared at Csónakos. It took him a few seconds before realization hit him. “Oh, oh, I see. I think.”
“So I said I have a boyfriend and that I’d invite him over for dinner tonight.”
“Ask someone else! A different guy!”
“I kind of told them it was you…” Geréb ran his fingers through his hair anxiously. This wasn’t going well at all.
“Why the fuck are you saying shit like that?” Csónakos roared. They were still close to the university, too many passersby were staring at them. The back of Geréb’s neck started itching.
“Because my parents hate Boka.”
This did it. Csónakos’ mouth dropped open and he started blabbering.
“They hate Boka…nobody hates Boka…and why Boka…Oh, I get it. So that’s why you were always staring at him in senior year! And that’s why you insisted on rooming with him on the trip? And that’s why you ran for VP again even after…?”
“Listen, I really need your help!” Geréb stepped next to him and somehow got him to start walking again. “My parents don’t like Boka, so I thought if I introduced them to the polar opposite of Boka they might grow to like him. And… you were the only person I could think of that could pull this kind of thing off.”
“So you’re asking me to… to embarrass myself just so your parents start liking Boka.” Csónakos didn’t ask this, he stated it.
“I know it’s a stupid idea, I shouldn’t have even…”
“I’m in, dude! Just watch me, I’ll be phenomenal!”
*
“How much of a bum can I be?”
“As much as you’d like!”
Csónakos laughed happily on the other end of the line. His voice made Geréb’s mouth twitch into a smile, too.
“And what am I supposed to wear?”
“Shirt, suit, tie.”
“Oh fuck off, Geréb, you owe me a huge one!” Csónakos laughed so hard Geréb could barely understand what he was saying and he was so loud he had to hold the phone away from his face.
Despair held Geréb close to its chest. What if this is a bad idea? Maybe he should call the whole thing off and let everything stay the way it is. Boka won’t ever reciprocate his feelings anyway so this whole thing is useless. And now he has Csónakos embarrassing himself in front of his parents.
“Listen, maybe we shouldn’t do this after all…”
“Relax, Dezső! We’re doing this for Boka, and for you. I won’t fuck up, I promise!”
*
Geréb sat at the table with his mother and father. Everything was perfect: candlelight, soft classical music, heavenly scents escaping from the kitchen. Except Csónakos was nowhere to be seen. For starters he was twenty-eight minutes late. Geréb, as he watched his father check his watch every minute, was filled with satisfaction. He had to force himself not to say: Boka wouldn’t have been late!
“Are we sure this boyfriend is coming, son?” Geréb’s father asked.
But Geréb didn’t get to answer because Csónakos finally rang the bell and he ran to open the door for him. Csónakos did not put on a suit. His black, biker leather jacket shone innocently in the light of the lamp above the entrance, under it a band tee could be seen. He had his helmet under his arm and he held a bouquet, fucked up by the wind. Geréb could see his bike parked behind him on their driveway.
“Hey there! Sorry I’m late, there was a huge fucking traffic jam” Csónakos smiled gently, seemingly already in character.
“It’s cool,” Geréb mumbled lamely, he felt like a complete amateur compared to Csónakos’ acting. “Come on in!”
Geréb’s mother rushed to greet him, her smile only melted off her face for a second upon the sight of Csónakos, then she fixed her expression.
“I’m so glad you came! I’m Szilvia, Dezső’s mom!”
“I know, you wore a really sexy red dress when you danced with Dezső at prom! Here, I brought flowers” Csónakos handed her the bouquet then turned around in wonder. “Holy shit, Dezső, you live in a gigantic fucking house!”
Geréb wished he could take a picture of his mother’s face and print a thousand copies of it to wallpaper the walls of his boring life with them!
“Come in, this is just the entryway!”
Csónakos kicked his boots off and followed Geréb. The living room and the dining room were directly connected so Geréb immediately found himself face to face with his father. The euphoria of the previous minutes disappeared and Geréb’s stomach quickly filled up with anxiety. It really was a bad idea to invite Csónakos! He should call it off now before his father gets any more angry. But he didn’t have time for further horrified thoughts because Csónakos caught up to him, slid his palm on his waist and pulled him into himself.
“I haven’t even greeted you yet” he mumbled and kissed Geréb on the lips in the middle of the living room.
He blushed furiously. He got his first ever kiss in front of his parents. When Csónakos leaned back Geréb was able to breathe again. His lips burned, he wanted to touch them with his fingers but he decided against it.
“Ah, my bad, I didn’t even notice you! I’m András Csónakos, Dezső’s boyfriend. Not boy friend, noo, I’m his guy… just to avoid any misunderstandings” Csónakos smiled so innocently at his father that Geréb got a little dizzy.
The seconds passed at a snail's pace until Geréb’s father pushed his chair back, stood up and accepted Csónakos’ already extended hand.
“Dezső Geréb Sr. Please, take a seat!” He pointed at the fourth chair at the table. Meanwhile Geréb’s mother returned from the kitchen and put the shredded flowers on the table in a crystal vase.
“Thanks, but first I wanna visit the… you know… restroom, yeah. Sorry, but the wind on the bike really brings out the…”
“Straight ahead, second door on the right!” Geréb’s mother interrupted quickly. Geréb stared at the woman’s fake smile in wonder, she seemed to take Csónakos’ act surprisingly well so far.
Csónakos nodded and left and Geréb found himself alone with his parents. He didn’t expect this. His father’s searing gaze burned his skin and he still felt the need to trace the spot where Csónakos kissed him. What the hell was up with him?
“Let’s sit down” Geréb Dezső Sr. suggested. The violin played happily in the background but the silence at the table was jarring.
“Interesting boy” Geréb’s mother said.
“For sure” Geréb said and he barely stopped himself from smiling when he thought about Csónakos’ entry.
“Did you bring him here to piss us off?” Dezső Geréb Sr. asked his son.
“No, I’m actually dating him.”
“And what’s the matter with Boka?”
“I…nothing. To me he’s…I’m over him.” Geréb muttered and he got a little ashamed. They’re doing this whole thing because of Boka, no? Not to piss his parents off, that’s just a nice addition. Boka, Boka, Boka, he repeated silently to make himself concentrate.
“Really? Because to me it seems like you only brought this boy here to make me and your mother mad!”
Anger boiled in Geréb’s gut.
“Why do you assume everything is always about you? What if I love Csónakos? What if I’m in fucking love with him and I don’t give a fuck about what you think?”
“Well, I can clearly see his influence on you… I’ve never heard you talk like this before.” Geréb’s hand curled into a fist. He had to behave if he wanted to finish dinner. Which is exactly what he wanted, he wanted to sit down and have dinner and show his father that the world doesn’t revolve around him!
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go check on Csónakos!” Geréb stood up, trying to escape.
“How curious that despite the fact you two are together you don’t call him by his first name…”
Geréb did not answer, just walked out the door to go search for Csónakos. A strong hand grabbed his wrist. Geréb jumped. Csónakos stood leaning against the door that separated the living room from the inner hall and held his finger against his lips, signaling him to stay quiet. The light of the lamps twinkled in his brown eyes strangely. Geréb didn’t understand why, but he flushed.
He pulled Csónakos into the closest room. They ended up in the ground floor guest room.
“It’s almost like your dad doesn’t believe we’re madly in love” Csónakos started.
“Look, I think we should stop this. Let’s just eat dinner, we don’t have to do anything…”
“Why are you giving up?”
“Excuse me?”
“Why are you giving up? You always do this! When you didn’t get to room with Boka, when we replaced you as VP…Maybe it’s time you stand up for yourself and stop being a coward.”
Geréb would have gotten mad if not for Csónakos’ serious, stupidly sparkling brown eyes.
“So what do we do?” he asked, still unsure.
“What do you want to do? Piss your dad off even more or give up?”
Geréb admitted what he honestly wanted.
“I want him to flip out completely!”
Csónakos nodded and leaned in close. So close it made Geréb jump.
“What are you doing?”
“Hey, we need to explain why we were gone for so long” Csónakos answered matter-of-factly and without hesitation he leaned onto Geréb’s neck and started sucking on the skin. In about half a minute he managed to create a pretty little red mark on Geréb’s neck.
Geréb just got more and more light-headed and held onto Csónakos’ shoulders firmly.
Then Csónakos leaned back and messed up Geréb’s hair. His eyes wandered over Geréb’s lips for a few seconds but he didn’t kiss him and Geréb tried not to pay attention to the slight dissatisfaction that filled his chest.
“Let’s go back!” Csónakos suggested.
The silence was rock hard at the table. Csónakos, as if he didn’t sense the tension, sat down by Geréb’s parents with a smile.
“Sorry, I got a little lost, Dezső helped me find the way” he stated as he licked his lips suggestively.
The world spun around Geréb. He quickly fell into his seat and fixed his shirt so the hickey couldn’t be seen. His father seemed to pale a few shades.
Csónakos smiled at Geréb behind his cup.
“Let’s eat!” Geréb’s mother said, saving the situation.
The rice, the potato, the boar marinated in red wine and the huckleberry sauce were all heavenly.
During the dinner Geréb’s father kept questioning Csónakos, who stood his ground. He played the role of a more outspoken, more easygoing, madly-in-love-with-Geréb version of himself. All Geréb could do was stare.
“Geréb put so, so much on the table, he worked so hard, but kids don’t forget easily. We were cruel, so as soon as we had the chance, we immediately voted against him and had him replaced as vice-president. That was the first time I saw Geréb really want to keep something and fail to succeed. I felt really fucking bad for him, ya know? I think that’s when it all started, in sophomore year. But I only had the balls to confess to him two weeks ago. Or, well, I’m not really a man of words,” he laughed. “So I wrote him a note in the middle of a seminar and asked if he wanted to go to the movies with me.”
Csónakos smiled at Geréb. Geréb felt his throat tighten out of excitement. He wanted to know how he answered his question.
“Dezső then asked who else was coming, so I wrote back that it would just be us two. He asked why we’d even go if everyone else was busy, so I scribbled: it’d be a fucking date!, and threw the paper at him. It bounced off him right onto Komlay’s table, who’s this old ass prof in his sixties, nice little goatee and all and he stutters a little. Poor guy, surely he’s been bullied all his life so I guess he thought he’d fuck with us a little. He started reading the note in front of everyone and his head, as he realized what he was reading, got redder and redder.
Geréb burst out laughing. Komlay really did teach them, though it was a 200-person lecture, but everything else was true. Csónakos laughed with him and continued.
“And he got to the last sentence, the ‘It’d be a fucking date!’ bit, and he started off so well, but the record got stuck and he just kept saying fuck, fuck, fuck… so I yelled ‘ing date’! And everyone started laughing.
Geréb laughed with a blush on his face. He had to keep it going.
“I, of course, had to answer, because everyone wanted to know if we were going on a date or not. Obviously, I said yes and the others clapped for us. It was like a fucking American movie.”
Csónakos nodded along enthusiastically and smacked the table with his palms. Geréb’s mother smiled, his father had a strange expression on his face. The man only spoke when everything calmed down.
“It really is like a movie. It’s almost unbelievable. If you didn’t both claim it happened I would think you made it up on the spot” Dezső Geréb Sr. folded his arms.
All traces of joy immediately left Geréb’s body, he started gathering energy for a fight but Csónakos was faster.
“Papa Dezső, what do you say we play a game?” he smiled innocently. The alarms went off in Geréb’s head.
“A game?”
“Mhm. Which of us knows more about Dezső.”
“What are the stakes?”
“If I win, you leave Geréb alone. He dates, he loves whoever he wants. If you win…”
“Then Dezső leaves that clown school and applies for law again.”
Geréb’s mom gasped. Geréb started protesting, horrified.
“No, no, that’s… you can’t bet on my life’s big choices…dad!”
“Relax, dude!” Csónakos smacked Geréb’s shoulder but obviously realized that this motion came out a little too casual so he leaned in and kissed him again. Geréb almost fell off his chair when he felt Csónakos’ tongue against his lips, just so the kiss seemed more authentic.
“Let’s begin. Everyone gets to ask a question, except Dezső Jr. One question for me, one for dad. Mama Geréb, could you start, please?”
“Uhh…when is Dezső’s birthday?”
“November 5th” Csónakos answered without missing a beat.
Geréb wondered if he knew when Csónakos was born. Sometime in summer. Maybe late July.
It was Csónakos’ turn to ask.
“In which subject did Geréb excel in in high school?”
“History” the man said quickly.
“Wrong, unfortunately. He had an A in history too, but he excelled in Hungarian grammar and literature.” Csónakos corrected him with determination in his eyes, who turned to his son with a questioning expression. Geréb nodded.
“My turn” Dezső Geréb Sr. said. “What is Dezső’s favorite book?”
Csónakos stayed silent for a second, then deadpanned.
“The Second World War by Winston S. Churchill… you would say, but he actually adores Kafka.”
Geréb had to hold onto the table for support.
“How… how did you…”
“When we read Metamorphosis, you read it twice in class. Then once more in break. Later I saw you reading the novel collection, then the Trial too” Csónakos shrugged. “Mom?”
“What’s Dezső’s favorite food?”
“Éclairs, but only with a fork and knife!”
Geréb was stunned.
“What does Geréb want to do when he grows up?” Csónakos asked and Geréb’s innermost fears started to surface.
“Teacher, I guess, if he’s taking education” Dezső Geréb Sr. shrugged.
“You’re wrong, ‘cause…”
“No, Andris, please don’t! I don’t want to…”
Csónakos stayed silent for a second. Geréb was sure they’d drop the topic but Csónakos couldn’t swallow his discontent.
“Why not? What are you scared of?” and Csónakos slapped the table, driven by anger. “Tell me, why can’t anyone know? Why do you distance yourself from everyone? Are you still atoning? We’ve long since forgiven you! Stop this and start living, stand up for yourself and what you want!”
The whole family stared at Csónakos in silence, who glanced at his hand and slowly let go of his fist and laughed in embarrassment.
“I… sorry. I let myself get too into it. I think I should go… it’s late. Thank you for the dinner!”
Geréb watched in silence as Csónakos pushed his chair back and stood up. His thoughts were all over the place, so much has happened in the past two hours. He blinked as he watched Csónakos hurry towards the front door, and jumped up.
“Author. I want to be an author.” he stated and ran after Csónakos.
Csónakos was really fucking fast at putting on boots, Geréb only caught up to him by his bike.
“Wait!” he grabbed Csónakos’ hand, which was already searching for his keys in his pocket. “What was all this?”
“We proved to your father that he doesn’t know you” Csónakos said calmly but he did not look at Geréb, pulled his hand away and kept searching for his keys, this time in his back pockets. “Now he can’t say Boka doesn’t fit you.”
“Okay, but…how do you know about Kafka, or literature, or what I want to be, or…”
Csónakos slid his hand in his back pocket and shrugged. He looked at Geréb carefully.
“I just… paid attention to you. Like I said, I saw you liked Kafka, and I saw you read later. Writing was obvious, all your essays were As and you wrote awesome speeches for Boka.”
“How do you know I wrote those? We never told anyone” Geréb asked, shocked.
Csónakos just shrugged and looked away. Silent seconds passed and despite all the vibrating tension in his body, Geréb felt at home in this shared silence.
“Thank you…for coming, for standing up for me, for telling me to stand up for myself…And thank you for coming up with that Komlay story. It would’ve been awesome if it actually happened.”
Csónakos laughed and finally really looked Geréb in the eye.
“It’s kind of a shame it never did happen.”
Geréb’s heart skipped a beat. He had no idea what was happening to him but Csónakos’ shy half smile was so sparkling that his breath got caught in his lungs. Sparks of laughter danced in his brown eyes and Geréb was reminded of the kiss, Csónakos’ lips on his neck and heat ran through his body.
Csónakos didn’t notice Geréb’s metamorphosis. He finally found his keys, put on his helmet, hopped on his bike and turned to Geréb.
“Say hi to your mom for me. She endured it really well, I’ll bring her a normal bouquet one of these days, she deserves one!”
Csónakos left on his bike.
Geréb stood in the doorway for a few more minutes, he couldn’t gather the courage to go back into the house. His mom soon appeared with a sweater in her hands.
“Exceptional boy” she whispered as she laid the sweater on his shoulders.
“For sure” Geréb whispered to himself once he was alone again.
*
Geréb stared at Komlay, the way the old professor stood in the middle of the lecture hall presenting his boring ass PDF slideshow. History of education. The most boring, most unnecessary subject out of all of them.
Next to him Csónakos was taking notes eagerly. It never failed to surprise Geréb how enthusiastic Csónakos was about university, he barely skipped class and it seemed like he took studying very seriously. Geréb had thought Csónakos, careless as he is, would be the type to pass his exams with Ds.
Geréb was part of the majority who only sat there because they had to, because they didn’t get accepted anywhere else. He studied education because no other university had free spots. He cowardly didn’t even apply to literature and luckily he didn’t get accepted to law.
Coward. Csónakos said the same thing at the dinner two weeks ago. There’s been a weird tension in the air at home ever since but it didn’t hold a candle to the tension growing inside Geréb’s guts. For two weeks, he couldn’t find his place, he didn’t feel himself neither by Boka nor Csónakos.
The day after the dinner Geréb noticed that Boka’s right fang was crooked. How stupid is that? He couldn’t stop staring at him for years before, he could write odes about every single inch of the boy yet now he felt really annoyed by that stupid tooth. He would’ve preferred if Boka never smiled again, because that stupid tooth kept attracting his eyes and it confused the hell out of Geréb.
The next day was a weekend and they held a movie night in Kolnay’s garage. Boka crunched his chips so loudly that Geréb wanted to cover his ears. Even though he finally had the chance to sit by him. Csónakos would always sit next to Boka but right before the start of the movie he announced: this couch is so uncomfortable, let’s switch places, Geréb. So Csónakos sat on the floor and Geréb got to sit on the couch but even though Boka sat next to him, even though their shoulders brushed together and he laughed at him (with his crooked fang) Geréb almost couldn’t bring himself to care. Because he kept wondering why Csónakos was being so nice. His back touched Geréb’s leg from time to time, he held himself up by his palm, his laughter suppressed Boka’s loud chewing and his scent got stuck in Geréb’s nose.
Ever since that movie night Geréb couldn’t be calm around Csónakos, his blood felt like it was boiling, his heart was racing, his face was flushed and Boka… Boka soon softened into an ordinary good friend in his heart.
And now they were sitting here, listening to Komlay’s boring lecture. Geréb leaned on his hand and started daydreaming about how nice it would be if that date scene actually happened with the stuttering old professor and the clapping classmates. If Csónakos actually…
Csónakos slid a paper his way. Geréb’s heart started beating loudly against his chest. The blinding whiteness of the paper hurt his eye. He swallowed and took it. Csónakos kept taking notes as if nothing happened.
,,Wanna go to the movies with me?”
That’s what the paper said and Geréb suddenly had no oxygen left in his body. He got dizzy, the room started spinning. What’s happening? What’s all this?
Geréb weighed his chances, his options, then Csónakos’ voice echoed in his mind. Yes, Geréb was a coward and maybe it really was time he took control of his life.
,,Who’s coming?”
He scribbled on the paper. He had no idea if this was the correct answer, but maybe this is what Csónakos expected of him. He slid the paper back with shaking fingers.
Never has a minute felt so long before. Csónakos finished writing a sentence in his notebook before checking his answer. Geréb knew he wasn’t copying the PDF because it would be emailed to them afterwards. Csónakos was writing something entirely different, but what could Komlay be saying that was this important?
Geréb stared at the slideshow. Rousseau: Emile, or On Education. He sighed, he really could care less about children or teaching. What a shitty life he’ll have, man… at least he won’t have to represent boring, rich dudes in even more boring cases. At least kids are funny, right? He didn’t know any children.
Csónakos wrote back and Geréb jumped when he noticed the neatly folded note by his notebook. He liked this, that Csónakos could fold a piece of paper so nicely.
,,Kolnay and Barabás are preparing for an exam, Boka is going shopping with his dad and Csele has a hairdresser’s appointment.”
He wrote his reply without thinking.
,,Then why would we go if everyone else is busy?”
His entire being was shaking when he slid the paper back to Csónakos, who immediately put his pen down this time and reached for the note. Geréb felt like his stomach shrunk to the size of his fist as he awaited the answer.
,,Because we’re fucking friends”
Geréb closed his eyes. It hurt, Csónakos’ answer really hurt and Geréb observed the pain that started in his chest and spread through his entire body motionlessly. He just understood what happened to him in the past two weeks.
When did he fall out of love with Boka and fall for Csónakos? When Csónakos gave him his seat on the couch? Or when after last week's failed exam Csónakos started sending him the notes he’s too lazy to copy every night? Or during the dinner? When he kissed him? When he mentioned Kafka?
How is it so easy to stop loving someone you’ve loved for years and falling for someone else? Is he truly this unfaithful? Truly this much of a traitor?
Up until just now Geréb didn’t even notice what he felt for Csónakos and now he really wanted to smack himself in the face. Loving Csónakos instead of Boka is possibly even more painful. Because while Boka was unattainable, an eternal dream, Csónakos kept doing things like this, inviting him to the cinema, kissing him as an act, embarrassing himself in front of his parents and he even bought him salty sticks in the canteen.
Geréb shivered when he felt brown eyes on him. Csónakos was searching him, who knows for how long. He was waiting for Geréb’s answer. And he decided to be brave, almost stupidly brave.
,,Let’s make this a fucking date instead!”
He slid the paper to Csónakos who burst out laughing after unfolding it, resulting in Komlay asking him what was so funny. Csónakos talked about how funny it was that Rousseau knew it all in the 1700s when it came to experiential pedagogy.
The old professor nodded and Geréb’s heart was warmed by pride.
*
Csónakos laughed loudly at the stupid comedy and his voice blurred Geréb’s vision. He spent the last forty-five minutes wondering if he should lean on the same arm rest as Csónakos and when he finally dared to do it Csónakos removed his hand to put some more popcorn in his mouth.
Maybe it’s better this way, Geréb thought. Just friends. After the movie Csónakos bought them two cocoa rolls, they ate them quietly as they walked.
“You wanna come over?” Geréb stared at Csónakos’ cocoa-covered teeth in wonder.
“Sure.”
Csónakos nodded and kept on walking happily. Geréb has only ever been to his place once, in high school. Csónakos’ three little brothers annoyed the shit out of him then. He didn’t even want to think about being thrown into a classroom of thirty kids like that next semester.
“How are your brothers doing?”
“Good. They’re in camp now. This is the quietest the house has been since they were born. It’s crazy. I realized yesterday that I haven’t been alone in around fourteen years.
Oh, so that’s why he’s needed. Csónakos is lonely. Geréb was an only child, he had no idea what it’s like to grow up with siblings so he couldn’t really say anything.
“Dad’s working, mom’s in camp too, she went with her own class” Csónakos said as they were going up the stairs to the second floor.
Geréb missed the next step and almost brained himself on the railing. Luckily Csónakos didn’t notice, he was still walking ahead of him and talking about how ass it is to be alone when you’re used to all the noise.
Deep down, Geréb wanted to believe that Csónakos arranged this on purpose, that the cinema and the invitation meant something but Csónakos simply didn’t want to be alone in the apartment and everyone else was busy that day.
Two hours later Geréb sat on Csónakos’ bed and they were laughing their asses off on a random Family Guy episode that wouldn’t have been half as funny had they been sober, but they had a few cans of beer. Geréb wasn’t even counting anymore. He was dizzy and tipsy and sometimes felt like his body had a mind of its own because he was unable to stop his hands from touching Csónakos. The third time he ran his fingers through his brown hair the boy caught his wrist with a laugh and pushed it against the bed. Geréb’s laughter caught in his throat.
“You’ve drank too much, Geréb” Csónakos smiled. He didn’t even look tipsy but his eyes sparkled with a happier shine.
“Maybe. We said three each and this is the… this is the…”
“Fifth. I think.”
Csónakos let go of Geréb’s wrist and leaned forward to take a few sips of the beer standing on his desk. His face was so strangely beautiful in the light of the night lamp that it shocked Geréb. How did he not notice how gorgeous he is all these years?
“Do you really wanna be a teacher?” he asked before he could stop himself.
“Yeah” Csónakos answered after swallowing. He put the can back on the desk and leaned against the wall next to Geréb. Their shoulders brushed against each other with a heat, Stewie and Brian were preparing to time-travel on the screen but nobody was paying attention to them.
“Why?”
“I like kids, I’m used to them, too, the little cretins at home keep me in shape.”
Csónakos’ voice was so full of love that Geréb wilted a little. He was sure no one loved him half as much. Except maybe his mom.
“I’m scared. I don’t know any kids” he admitted after hesitating a little.
“You’ll get to know them in fieldwork.”
“I think they’re like wild animals. They smell the weakest and they attack them first, and that guy is gonna be me.”
“You wanna borrow my brothers? You can practice on them” Csónakos said with a serious tone.
“That’s not even a bad idea” Geréb laughed and thought, hey, at least that way he could spend some more time with Csónakos. His thoughts traveled further and before he realized, he said something he shouldn’t have. “Today my dad said it’s a bit strange that we’re dating but you never come over and I never visit you either, even though there’s been times I told him I’d be with you, but he didn’t believe me. Yet today we actually went to the movies together.”
“Should we go on another fake date? The food was awesome, I’ll gladly do it again” Csónakos laughed. “Or sometimes we could hang out at your place, maybe in your room. I liked messing with your dad’s head!”
Geréb nodded enthusiastically.
“That’d be nice. Just to piss my dad off and defend Boka’s honor.”
*
“Good afternoon, miss Szilvi” Csónakos entered through the door with a surprisingly nice bouquet. He handed it to Geréb’s mom.
“Oh goodness, Andris! It’s so nice to see you again. Is everything good with you and Dezső?” she smiled at them from the living room’s doorway.
“Of course, everything is perfect,” Csónakos said as he pulled off his boots. He stood up, noticed Dezső Geréb Sr. and corrected himself. “I mean, everything fucks.”
Geréb could feel his heart beating in his throat. He expected another kiss but it never came, Csónakos walked into the living room with his hands in his pockets instead. He walked up to Geréb’s father who was sitting in the poison green leather loveseat in a suit and tie. Csónakos flopped down on the couch.
“Wassup’, Papa Geréb?”
“Could you not call me that?”
“How about Daddy?” Csónakos giggled and Geréb’s heart stopped for a second. His father won’t let that fly for sure.
“I cannot believe I’m saying this, but son, take your boyfriend to your room and close the door” he said in a fatigued voice and turned his attention back to the paperwork in his lap. Csónakos shrugged and stood up, hugged Geréb’s waist and stage-whispered to him:
“C’mon babe, show me your room! Where do you keep your stamp collection?”
Geréb giggled and led Csónakos to his room without even looking at his dad. Everything inside was prim and proper. Geréb looked around the room with satisfaction but when he turned around he saw Csónakos standing strangely.
“You sure this is your room? It looks like a mausoleum. Where’s the mess, dude? The filth, the litter, the dirty underwear, everyone leaves those all over the place.”
Gerép stopped in wonder.
“Including Boka?”
“No. I guess Boka doesn’t. You’d fit each other, apparently.”
Geréb furrowed his eyebrows. Csónakos’ voice sounded harsher than usual.
“So, what do you wanna do?” he asked carefully.
“The slideshow? We have to present it next week.”
Geréb nodded and didn’t admit that he had already forgotten that Komlay punished Csónakos with a presentation on Rousseau for interrupting his lecture and Csónakos was kind enough to choose Geréb as his work partner.
Geréb hated being in the spotlight. This was the only thing he didn’t like about being class vice-president in highschool, standing and talking in front of an audience. This is why him and Boka decided that Geréb would write the speeches while Boka would approve of them and present them. This he was capable of, standing in silence by Boka’s side.
What is he going to do now that he has to speak in front of two hundred people? And what is he going to do when he’ll have thirty children staring at him from their seats in a classroom? Geréb shivered at the thought.
Csónakos dropped his bag, took out his laptop and the Emile book and stared up at Geréb from his bed. He was like a bustard, waiting with his head held up high.
Geréb sat down next to him with a sigh and gave up all hopes of anything other than studying happening in his room.
*
“So what I’m gathering is he said kids should play in nature?” Geréb summarized the point like half an hour later.
“That’s basically it, dude.”
“And what are we going to talk about for so long?”
“About the structure of the book, about how Rousseau supported breastfeeding but was against swathing, about how he thinks children are born good and society corrupts them, about how the church burned the book and he was chased away because of it, about the parts of it, its impact on the Montessori education and project pedagogy, about Sophie’s teachings that said women should be educated, too and…”
“This Rousseau guy sounds really smart.”
“Well, that’s just one side of the coin. He said women should be educated so they have less of an impact on men and that the only roles women have are motherhood and serving their husbands.”
“Yiiikes. He said good things about parenting though, right?”
“He sure did, otherwise Komlay wouldn’t teach about him. But it’s kind of a bad look that he put his own kids up for adoption, cheated on his wife and even the book has a much more negative reading that says children are just tools used by adults.”
“You kinda broke my heart here, I’m disappointed.”
Csónakos looked up at him with shining, brown eyes.
“That’s good, because that’s exactly how we’re gonna compose the presentation. We’ll make them like the guy then crush them emotionally.”
Geréb was flabbergasted. Csónakos was clever and he cared about and loved what he was doing. Geréb watched as his fingers typed and wondered what happened to the chubby little boy who would pick a fight with everyone in third grade during recess and when did he become so dedicated?
In the following two hours Geréb grew to love Csónakos even more, with every last cell of his heart.
*
The presentation was a success, Geréb read quotes from the book, controlled the slideshow and answered all three questions they got at the end of it. Csónakos, however, performed a whole stand up set and Geréb watched in awe as two hundred people listened to them curiously. Komlay was satisfied too and both of them got to skip the last test, they could move on to the exam.
A sort of rhythm took over Geréb’s life. On weekdays he attended university and spent his afternoons with Csónakos, usually studying or watching a movie at his place to piss off Geréb Dezső Sr.
Sometimes Geréb’s mom would walk in on them, when this happened Csónakos always cuddled up to him and even kissed him twice. Geréb debated asking his mother to disturb them every hour or so but he chickened out, of course.
Geréb really started to feel at home around Csónakos and as the days passed he touched him even if no one walked in on them, they touched each other even when it was just the two of them watching a show.
On Saturdays they hung out with the boys of Paul street. Since they were all over the world on weekdays this was the only time they could really meet up and chat. Geréb was thankful they let him come.
The ruin-pub they ended up in was hidden in one of the small streets crossing the boulevard. Neither of them has ever been here before but they all agreed to try the place. Geréb kind of wanted to get a hot chocolate due to the weather but even Csele ordered beer so he didn’t want to be the odd one out. He didn’t like the taste of beer but at least the alcohol warmed him up.
Csónakos sat next to him, the wind messed up his hair and the lamp above dyed the otherwise chestnut locks golden brown. Geréb could barely take his eyes off him.
“And then the prof said Kolnay is a bum.”
“Oh shut up, he called you an ass!”
“Isn’t that the same thing?” Boka looked around questioningly which made Csele laugh so hard and happily that Geréb had to laugh too.
Csónakos took a sip of his beer, his golden hair fell ahead and Geréb could picture it touching the white foam of his drink. He absently tucked Csónakos’ hair behind his ear with a gentle smile. Everyone froze at the table but Csónakos didn’t notice it. He put the jug down and laughed loudly, it sounded strange in the awkward silence. Geréb stared at his hand with a flushing face, the alcohol stirred up in his belly.
“What?” Csónakos looked around.
“Just… Since when are you and Geréb so close?” Csele asked quietly.
“Ever since we started pretending to date so his old man leaves him alone” Csónakos shrugged.
The air froze, maybe that’s why Geréb felt like he couldn’t inhale any. He looked for Boka’s reaction who searched him and Csónakos with a careful expression.
“I… I’ve gotta…” Geréb pushed his chair back, jumped up and fished for money in his pocket. He wasn’t fast enough, though, as Csónakos grabbed his wrist. Geréb glanced at him. He looked determined.
“We’re just acting like something is going on between us in front of his parents. Geréb’s dad is… well… a cunt. Don’t go” Csónakos continued.
“Yeah, it’s cool. We know your dad” Barabás nodded.
Everyone agreed with Csónakos, only Boka stayed quiet, Geréb hoped he just wasn’t comfortable shittalking his friend’s dad.
Geréb gave in and sat back down. Csónakos let go of his wrist and the patch of skin he touched burned. Geréb traced it gently under the table and when he looked up again he was met with Boka’s searching stare.
The night continued as usual after this but as the empty cups grew in number their fake dating became a more frequent topic. Geréb let Csónakos handle it and joke about it, that was the easiest way.
After midnight Csele, Kolnay and Barabás wanted to move on to some disco. Geréb usually goes home at this point, that’s what happened now too, but to his surprise Csónakos joined him.
“I think I’ll pass this one, dudes. I’ll walk Geréb home, now that we’re dating.”
The tipsy Kolnay and Barabás held onto each other and laughed hysterically. Csele stood around restlessly in the cold. Boka turned to them.
“I don’t like this. You shouldn’t lie to Geréb’s dad.”
Csónakos sighed.
“Relax, we can handle this” Csónakos patted Boka’s shoulder and steered Geréb away from the others.
“Boka wasn’t happy” Geréb sighed when there was a street of distance between them, walking in the quiet, winter-scented night.
“Because he’s too polite. But don’t worry, he knows your father, I’m sure he’s not too mad at you.”
Geréb was nicely warmed by the alcohol in his system and it chased away all his cowardice.
“I… don’t have a crush on Boka anymore.”
Csónakos stumbled for a second but quickly corrected his steps.
“Really? I thought we were doing all this to make your parents realize how much better Boka is.”
Geréb didn’t look at Csónakos, just shrugged.
“And I think we’re doing all this to piss my father off.”
Csónakos hummed and kept walking in silence, hugging himself against the cold. Geréb followed him as he kicked a pebble. They walked like this, silently, for long minutes, Geréb gathered his strength to speak up again. After the next kick, he thought. But Csónakos was faster again .
“How did you lose interest in Boka so quickly if you were in love with him for years before?”
“Maybe I wasn’t in love with him” Geréb muttered to himself.
Csónakos stayed silent again and it made the alcohol in Geréb’s stomach stir even more. Csónakos’ boots loudly smacked against the cold, november night. Geréb’s leather shoes knocked along anxiously.
“Sleep at my place!”
Geréb tripped but luckily caught himself on a nearby lamp post.
“Why?”
“So your dad thinks you’re sleeping with me.”
“Okay” Geréb said a bit too quickly. His mouth tasted bitter from the alcohol, the world spun around him strangely. He couldn’t bring himself to say no.
Csónakos stopped in his tracks.
“Do you really want to?”
Geréb stared at him.
“You mean…you mean seriously…You’re saying that… you and I really…”
Csónakos burst out laughing.
“I’m talking sleep, dude.”
*
Geréb was completely, utterly confused. It was like Csónakos was playing with him. The other day he got another note during a lecture.
,,Date?”
He said yes. Turns out, Csónakos meant a study session in the library.
Geréb slept over at Csónakos’ place every Saturday now. They quietly sneaked into his room, Geréb got the bed, Csónakos got out a sleeping bag and laid on the ground, he was usually out in a minute. Geréb was surrounded by Csónakos’ scent, it oozed into his skin, his hair, his clothes and if he was lucky the aroma stayed with him up until showering the next day.
The first three times Geréb left early in the morning, before he could run into any of Csónakos’ family. On the fourth Saturday, however, Csónakos got sick, he spent the whole week suffering from his cold, he started coughing on Friday but he refused to go to a doctor. On Saturday he gulped down his beers so fast that Geréb lost count and he wanted to sleep on the ground once they got home.
“Let’s switch. Sleep in the bed, you’re sick.”
“It’s just a cold. I’ll survive.”
Geréb didn’t take no for an answer, he took the sleeping bag from Csónakos’ grip and laid it down for himself on the ground.
“I’m cold” Csónakos whispered as he stood in the dark by the bed. His voice cracked and it really scared Geréb. He stepped closer.
“Do you have a fever?” But he never got to touch Csónakos’ forehead because the boy grabbed his waist, gave him a bone-cracking hug, dragged him down on the bed and let out a loud laugh.
Geréb froze in his tight embrace.
“I’ll sleep in the bed if you do too” Csónakos muttered into his neck. Geréb developed a constant goosebump under his warm breath. He had no idea what would happen but he nodded.
“Fine, but don’t be loud, you’ll wake everyone.
Csónakos burst out laughing.
“Why would I be loud? What are you planning with me, dude? Something like this?”
And Csónakos closed the gap between them and kissed him, ran his fingers through his hair and pulled his body flush to himself with his other hand. Geréb moaned but Csónakos swallowed it along with his tongue. They separated minutes later, both panting heavily.
Geréb didn’t dare make a sound. He watched Csónakos’ face in the gray light of the street lamps. His eyelashes were amazing and long, the darkness of the night sat on them.
Csónakos moved slowly. Geréb closed his eyes, readying himself for the worst but Csónakos just quietly turned to the wall and pulled the blanket on them. Geréb wanted to climb out of the bed but Csónakos whispered into the silence: Stay!
Geréb obeyed him.
In the morning Csónakos’ twelve year old brother dashed into the room then immediately ran back with a scream. Geréb, now half awake, heard him yell for his mother.
“Mom, mom, there’s a girl sleeping in Andris’ bed!”
Csónakos cackled next to him then turned around and looked at Geréb.
“You’re the ugliest chick I’ve ever seen but the prettiest boy.”
Geréb flushed. Csónakos climbed out of the bed and screamed.
“Misi, behave, it’s Geréb!”
Geréb had no other option but to also get out of the bed and greet Csónakos’ entire family with messy hair, wearing one of Csónakos’ old band tees. They invited him for lunch but he declined and left as fast as he could.
His father stared at him with narrowed eyes over the lunch table.
“You’re acting strange, son. Did something happen tonight?”
Geréb shook his head but no matter how hard he tried to keep a neutral face, he blushed as he thought about Csónakos’ kiss and what he said that morning.
“I hope you used protection.”
“Szilvi, we’re eating! ”
Two weeks have passed since then and Csónakos sent weirder and weirder signals. He didn’t kiss him again but they slept together every Saturday, even though no one was ill anymore. They studied together every day and could barely keep their hands off each other.
It was the last Komlay-lecture before Christmas when Geréb got another note.
,,Cinema?”
,,Where, when, what are we watching?”
,,Tonight, 8PM. Bem cinema. Love Actually.”
Geréb stared at the second to last word. He’s never seen it written in Csónakos’ quick handwriting.
,,Date?”
,,Real date.”
*
Geréb spotted Csónakos stalling by the entrance as soon as he got off the tram.
“Hi” Geréb greeted him quietly.
It was minus ten degrees, their breaths could be seen in the dim streetlight.
“Hey there. I already bought the tickets, let’s go inside.”
Geréb felt really lame and embarrassed. Like this boy isn’t the András Csónakos he’s known since he was in elementary school, like they haven’t spent every single day – save for Sundays – together for the past few months. Like he’s not the reason he got As on all his tests and his exams will probably go the same.
When Csónakos went to the last row Geréb felt a rush of warmth run through his body. They sat down and listened to the quiet conversations of the people gathering around them. Geréb searched for a topic, panicking. He thought no, this is bad, what if he’s losing Csónakos’ friendship right now? Maybe they should just stop, go home and…
“Have you seen the movie yet? ‘Cause I have, like twenty times.”
“Only ten times” Geréb answered.
Csónakos leaned up to his right ear and whispered:
“Good, we won’t miss anything then.”
Geréb stared at Csónakos, resulting him in a loud laugh, then the theater went dark. The movie started with the Universal logo and the hugging people of the Heathrow airport. Geréb did not process anything. It’s like his brain moved into his skin, all of his nerves paid attention to the right side of his body where Csónakos’ shoulder pressed against him. Geréb felt as if time slowed down, like every minute lasted a thousand years. Csónakos jittered by his side and he was even capable of laughing at the funny parts of the movie.
Geréb gave up at the third kiss scene and leaned ahead to kiss Csónakos. Except Csónakos moved at the same time and Geréb jumped back, startled.
“This is so stupid” Csónakos mumbled impatiently then grabbed Geréb’s hand and led him outside. The door barely closed behind them when Csónakos pushed him against the wall and kissed him.
Geréb lost count of how many times they kissed as a lie. Then there was that kiss in Csónakos’ bed but they were both drunk. This, though, this was real and the world exploded around Geréb as he felt Csónakos’ bubblegum flavored tongue brush against his. His knees trembled. Csónakos pushed him even more into the wall as he kissed him. People passed by them, Geréb winced but Csónakos pulled him closer, into the protection of his coat, no one could see much of him.
They walked onto Margaret Bridge. The icy winter wind bit Geréb’s face but he couldn’t stop smiling. Csónakos held his hand and Geréb forgot that maybe they shouldn’t do that in front of everyone.
“Promise me something” Csónakos spoke up suddenly.
“What?”
“I can keep acting like a dickhead in front of your dad.”
“Feel free” Geréb grinned.
The icy, winter wind blew away all his sadness, the heavy, black chitin armor flew away and Geréb felt like he finally became human again.