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"Happy birthday, scrub"
Samu entered the room where Atsumu was chilling in with a birthday cake with 22 candles
*Happy birthday, uh? That asshole was just saying it to himself, the bastard. Guess being born on the same day had its flaws after all*
A small smile appeared on Atsumu's face, while bringing his gaze to the little flames on the cake "Who are you referring to?"
Samu sighted "Shut up, you better just thank me to have made your favourite one"
Atsumu's eyes brighted "chocolate and mint?" "Yeah with whipped cream on top" "Aww, I knew you loved me brother" "whatever helps you sleep at night" shrugged Samu.
While Atsumu was pouting, the twins heard the doorbell ring and Samu went to open the door, welcoming two people, dark-heads, tall and slender men, the only ones who held the twins' hearts
"Omiiiii" sang Atsumu
"Hey, birthday boy, got you a present, here" said Sakusa while raising his hand holding a bag
"I've got something for you too Samu, and happy birthday to you too"
"Oh thanks Kiyoomi, how thoughtful of ya, I always say this, but y'er definitely too good for that idiot"
"Oh shut up asshole, y'er the one ta talk, y'er lucky ya found Sunarin in highschool"
"Yes, but I can say he puts up with me 'cuz I cook for him, ya don't have any of the sort" smirked Samu.
"Yeah, he's right, my love for him is strictly food-related. My ass can't cook an egg for God's sake"
"My kitchen's sake, ya mean"
"Whatever you say love" said Suna playfully while giving a little peck on Samu's cheek
"Y'er both disgusting, but Sunarin, dontha have anything fer y'er future brother-in- law?" Smirked Atsumu
"Yeah yeah, here you go. Sometimes I wonder if you really are 22 or if this is just a façade for a 3 years old" said Suna while tossing the present to Atsumu, who catched it without troubles
"The second is correct"
"Fuck off Samu, we're the same age"
"Physically, mentally is different though"
Sakusa sighted, exasperated at the twins endless bickering and went to the living room, seeing immediately the cake on the table, and a soft smile escaped his lips.
The underground sound of the twins' voices, the subtle noise of the burning candles, the shuffled steps just behind him of Suna and the lingering flavour of mint and chocolate created a relaxed and familiar atmosphere.
"Yes", thought Sakusa, "that's what home means"
______________________________________
"Tsumu" called Sakusa, putting his hand gently on Atsumu's shoulder "you should really eat something, I made some rice and tuna, I'll wait for you in the kitchen, is that alright?"
Atsumu slightly nodded, but snuggled his face more deeply in the pillow, sheets towering over his body
"Okay, then" said Sakusa while softly kissing his boyfriend's head.
Sakusa proceeded to go to the kitchen, passing the covered mirrors, with soft steps and sat down, hoping Atsumu could finally rise up from the bed and eat in the kitchen, without being forcefully fed by a begging Kiyoomi, a scene already too familiar anyway.
Suddenly Sakusa's phone started ringing and seeing the caller ID he responded:
"Hi Meian"
"Hi Sakusa, how are you?"
"A bit tired I guess, but I think I can start coming back to practice next week, I'm currently making plans of leaving Atsumu in his mother's care for the time I'm on the court, if that's what you were asking, and no, Atsumu won't be back to the court too soon, he is...not well"
"I can imagine, but I'm more interested in yours and Atsumu's condition at the moment and I'm asking as a friend, not as your captain" replied Meian, sounding concerned
"Well" snorted Sakusa while his eyes filled with tears "I can't choose which, between the Event and Atsumu's coping mechanisms, is worse, honestly"
A soft hum came from the other side of the phone
"It's just...I don't know. I don't fucking know how he can keep going after That. Because it's not fucking fair, you know?" Sakusa said while tears were falling down his cheeks "And he was..." an itchy breath "my friend, yes, he was definitely a great friend, and it's devastating for me to mourn him, but Atsumu...oh Atsumu, I just can't imagine how is it for him. Because when I remember that he is not here anymore I feel like I can't breathe, but for him, oh God...I really can't understand how he is supposed to move on, because I hardly can do it and I- I don't know what to do to support him, I really don't." Sakusa sobbed and then he laughed darkly "Sorry I'm just blabbering I don't even know if any of this makes sense"
"It doesn't." Replied the captain "This shouldn't have happened, but it did, and no one can do anything to change that. The only thing we can do and you can do to support him is just being there. Being there when he doesn't want to think, being there when he is too tired to rise up and prefers to just stay in bed. I think. There is no right or wrong and maybe only time can give both of you a little of peace, but I don't think that such a wound can ever be completely healed."
"You're right, of course" exhaled Sakusa covering his eyes with his hand.
Then unstable and light steps could be hear from the aisle and Sakusa immediately looked at the trembling figure of his boyfriend.
"He's here, I have to go, bye Meian and...thanks I guess"
"Yeah, no problem, remember that for anything the team is here"
That ended the phone call and finally all Sakusa's attention could be directed to Atsumu, who didn't even attempt to rise his head and kept looking directly at his feet, while reaching the table.
"Are you hungry Atsu?" asked gently Sakusa
"Not too much, in reality"
"It's ok, you know don't have to force yourself, but it would be really good if you could eat something, just a little" plead Sakusa
Atsumu finally raised his head and looked at the sad yet hopeful face of his Omi, that, even when he was being a total wreck, was still with him, cradling him after a nightmare and feeding and washing him when he couldn't take care of himself; and he was grateful, oh so grateful of having this awesome man in his life, but in the present he knew he was ruining not just his life, but also Kiyoomi's. So he needed to do what had to be done:
"Kiyoomi...we should break up"
Silence and retained breaths filled the living room
"Excuse me, what? Atsumu, what the hell!?"
"Yeah, we really should" said Atsumu looking at his feet again, not daring move a finger
There was some shuffle and Sakusa was in front of the blonde, looking at him with an incredulous face:
"Why are you saying that...now, of all the times"
"..."
"Atsumu, please, I need you to talk to me, yeah? What does that mean? I know you still have feelings for me, like I have feelings for you, so...why?" Sakusa pressed. He was completely stunned by the man's words. His brain was trying to come up with a logical solution, but it didn't make any sense.
Sakusa took Atsumu's cold hands and looked for the male's eyes
"It's just" a ragged breath "I am a fucking wreck and I'm fine with the idea of destroying my own life, after all, now I'm a fucking broken half, am I not?" a short laugh escaped his lips, a sad one, full of desperation, and tears, streaming down his cheeks, followed. Sakusa caressed his knuckles, hoping in a soothing way, to try to help his boyfriend
"You're not a half Atsumu, you're your own person and do you really think he wants you to destroy your life?"
A snort "it's not like the bastard can do anything about it now, can he?" Another short laugh "and by the way you're missing the point. When I'll destroy this fucking life of mine, which I'll do because, because it's too much Kiyoomi and I'm fucking weak, he was always the stronger one after all" a wet chuckle "when it'll happen, I don't want to drag ya with me, ok? I love ya too much to ruin ya too" a soft smile broken by the falling tears appeared on the blonde's lips
"So it's better to just end it here"
"Oh Atsu" sighted Sakusa "I'll follow you in hell if it was the only way to keep you next to me. There's definitely no way you're gonna free yourself from me, no fucking way do you understand?" said Sakusa while pulling Atsumu in a gentle hug "no way in hell, I'm sorry you'll have to bear me forever, it's your damnation"
A soft giggle escaped Atsumu's lips
When they parted both were a crying mess and while looking at each other, they laughed softly
"Let's go wash our faces and then eat, shall we?"
"Yeah, let's go" replied Atsumu
______________________________________
The two ate in silence when Sakusa's phone rang again, but this time another ID caller, and a heavy weight landed on the raven-haired male
"Who is it?" Asked Atsumu while munching on some rice
"Rintarou" replied Sakusa
"Put him on speaker, will ya?" Asked sighting heavingly the blonde, preparing himself to speak to the one who should have become his brother in law in just a few months
"Ok" shortly replied Sakusa before accepting the call
Immediately the two heard some sniffling and sobbing
"Hey, Rintarou?" Asked softly Sakusa, trying to use a soothing tone
"Kiyoomi, hi" said the man through the phone with a weathering voice
"I need to show you something guys, it's, it's important" breathed out Suna before restart a sobbing fit
Atsumu and Sakusa looked at each other worryingly and after a barely imperceptible nod from Atsumu, Sakusa said:
"Ok, we'll be there in 30 minutes"
"Thanks" said Suna before ending the call
The car ride was silent with only the underground sound of the radio and the tension was palpable and soon they arrived at the previously shared apartment where the couple lived before the Event
After ringing at the doorbell, Suna immediately appeared dishelved and jittery, with dark eyebags and puffy eyes and hurried them in
"I was cleaning Samu's things and I found the box where he put his therapy stuff and-"
"Therapy? Whaddaya mean Sunarin? He went to therapy?"
"Ah right..." Looked up Suna "he really didn't want you to know, he thought you would've pry too much on it, but it's not relevant right now what he wanted right?" A strained giggle came from his mouth
Atsumu looked at him confused, a painful feeling pulling in his chest, because if his twin went to therapy then of course he wasn't well and he didn't even know, what an awful brother he must have-
His train of thoughts was stopped by Kiyoomi who put his hand in Atsumu's looking at him concerned, while Rintarou forced himself to look away from the two.
"Why did he go to therapy into he first place? If it was something important I wouldn't have never pry, did he know it, right?" Asked Atsumu with a trembling voice
Suna looked at the blonde dead straight in the eyes: "it's what I kept telling him but he told me that he knew you wouldn't have, but he wasn't sure about it. I mean, it's fair enough, I was the one who coaxed him into try it"
"And why is that?" Asked Sakusa
For the first time Suna's eyes landed on Sakusa. It wasn't a mistery that Suna was extremely jealous of the other, because while he could still live happily with his Miya twin Suna couldn't do the same. Suna knew too it was a stupid logic, but he couldn't shake it off, sue him.
"He was extremely stressed from work, you know, the funds, the clients, the investors...he loves to cook but dealing with economic stuff is a whole different matter.
"Anyway he was stressed, so much he could barely sleep and when he almost collapsed at work one day I took for him an appointment to the doctor, to see if he could overcome this period. After two weeks he was already doing better, you know? He is so fucking strong and-and yeah, he accepted to enter this therapy and immediately he had results" said Rintarou while looking longingly at a photograph taken at their engagement party and touching the ring in his left anular finger
"By the way" he recomposed himself "apparently the doctor gave him an exercise to do, or something, about writing how did he think the people around him would react to his death"
Sakusa and Atsumu looked at him wide eyed and gaping
"Yeah, pretty fitting eh?" Said Rintarou suppressing a sob
"He-he never told me exactly what they talked about during the sessions, and I didn't ask him to, it was private and he was free to tell me or not, but I honestly think he...he wasn't as good as he looked"
"Whaddaya mean?" Asked Atsumu with urgency
"I-I think he was tired, and sad, and I don't know, I wasn't at home so often and I think he-he suffered from that"
"Well he was...probably already ill, right?" Intervened Sakusa looking between Suna and Atsumu
"Yeah right, maybe if I sent him to a fucking doctor he will still be here with us" spitted out Suna
"Hey no, I didn't meant that-"
"Yeah I know. I'm just regretting all my life choices, don't worry too much" replied Suna calmly
The other men gave Suna a worried glance
"By the way you have to see what he wrote"
Sakusa and Atsumu nodded and proceeded to follow Suna inside the shared room, that place in which love had been consumed, in which hearts have showed themselves naked and defenceless with such an innocence only death could corrupt
Suna took a little book that was on the bed carefully, like it was the most precious thing in the world, and maybe, it really was. He open it to the first page and told the two to read
Atsumu took in his trembling hands the last words his brother had for them and started to read, eager, to still have a piece of his twin left.
"Ok, that's pretty stupid, if ya asked me, but the doc told me it is useful ta write the shit in your head down, if ya don't want ta talk ta people of course, otherwise ya can ramble like Tsumu. That annoying ass. Today he came in the store proclaiming that he had ta be served, the asshole, and when I asked him why, he just said: "cuz I'm yer better half, fucker" That nutball."
Atsumu remembered that day, which he now regretted. It was the day he realised he and 'Samu were half of a whole they could make only together. The day he really for the first time understood how lucky he was for having a twin. And for that twin to be 'Samu. Now he hurts, because nothing is left but a void eating him from the inside, like poison killing him slowly but relentlessly.
"By the way I have ta write something ta the people I held dear if I were ta die. Dramatic. It's not like I wanna die or something, I'm basically the luckiest man alive, come on, I got the prettiest and sweetest and most amazing boyfriend (fiancé I hope soon) in the whole world, an annoying but caring twin, a lovely mother and a germaphobic soon-to-be brother in law, that has the magic power ta shut Tsumu up. Honestly that's my biggest blessing. I should really thank Kiyoomi for taking that blonde dead weight off of me. Thanks Kiyoomi."
Sakusa blushed and Atsumu's snorted
"Ah, and all of them, except ma of course, are a bunch of volleyball idiots, or, as they say, ✨ professional volleyball players✨. With volleyball being one of my passions yeah, I don't have really anything to be sad over, mmh, it's just, I don't know. Maybe seeing everyone doing so well while I can't get a few calculus straight is a bit upsetting. Ah, too hard ta think about that.
Anyway, I'm on my death bed, with all the important people near me, what do I say?
They love me and if I think about losing Rin, or Tsumu or Kiyoomi, oh my god, I can't. I don't know what I would do, hopefully I won't ever be in that circumstance.
Well if I died so young, while they have all their fucking lives ahead of them, I would said: hey bastards, I love you, and even if I'm gone, yer still there, able to kick asses and win medals. Even if I'm gone I want ya ta live like the fucking world is on fire, doing all the shit that pass through your heads, ta experience, ta fall and rise again and again. I want ya ta live like hearts don't break, Rin if I die I want ya ta be happy, if I were ta die this young, I want ya ta find someone else to love, because ya deserve ta be happy, ya deserve the world, Rin. Ya have so much love ta give, don't trash it. Even if I die I know I'll be forever in your heart, and I know I'm being cocky, but I also know I'm not imagining that look of pure love that I see in yer eyes everytime ya look at me. I hope ya see that same look in mine, because I love ya ta no end Rin, I love ya ta the moon and back, always. And because I love ya so damn much, I want ya ta be happy, ya can be sad over my (fake, I'm taking this too seriously, damn it) passing, ya can mourn, but ya also have ta pick yerself up, and Tsumu, please, as much devasted as ya can be, please help him, help my love, that's my death wish for ya. To Tsumu, I know ya can't ever have another brother, but please hurt and grieve, but don't, please don't suffer alone, engage with the pain as a motive. I know ya, and I know yer capable of greatness, with or without me. And Kiyoomi, I beg ya, stay with them, make sure they're okay, maybe it'll take some time, but please, take care of them.
You all have to keep yer heads up, life's hard and it'll try to take ya down again and again, but you can't give up, yer not fucking allowed. Ya have ta fight ta be more stubborn and determined than everything life puts against ya. Ya all have such a power, I've seen ya all, and I know it. Ya can overcome everything. If I die, believe I'll be there whatching ya, like I always did at every game, win or loss. If I die I'll be in the stars maybe not so near, but believe me, my ass can't go too much away from ya. I love ya all so, so much.
(Ahhh, and here I am fucking crying over something that won't happen in years ta come. Well anyway-)
If I were ta die, no matter the distance, I still be there at every important event of your lives, at yer wedding, when y'all play at the Olympics, at every birthday. And I'll keep making that birthday cake, like I would make it every other year."
Crystal tears fell down their cheeks, too stunned to talk, Atsumu hugged Suna and Sakusa. They'll mourn, they'll suffer, there's no denying this. It won't be easy, nothing is, but they'll make it. Because 'Samu gave them such a strength throughout his life.
Because 'Samu want them to be happy, not immediately, but with time, because he hopes that when his people will remember him, they won't feel like the air is knocked out of their lungs and their eyes start to water, but he hopes that they'll feel a warming and comforting feeling creeping out from their hearts, he hopes his love will be engraved in them so deeply that it will remain for years and years to come.
Now it's the afterglow, but soon there will be the dawn, a new beginning of love and acceptance and a light breeze that carry a lingering smell of rice will be their starting point.