Work Text:
The one where Chandler has dark thoughts - One Shot -
He heard a quiet distant rumble. He automatically looked up and saw the clouds getting thicker. So the weather report was right and New York would finally see some rain again after quite a long dry period. He looked back down and his gaze fell on the bottle of beer in his hand. He studied the label for a moment before he took a sip. This is when he heard her. He turned his head and looked into the apartment. There they were… all of his friends sitting together on the couch, laughing and smiling. Joey must have told a very funny joke, as always, and they all were giggling and having fun. He saw Ross gesture, it seemed he tried to find a good reply to what Joey had just said. Everybody’s eyes were fixed on Ross and the laughter got even bigger when he seemed to make a fool of himself again. He could not quite live up to the expectation of the group. He got a little mad, made that “I don’t care what you think” move with his head and got up.
Chandler was standing outside on the balcony with his beer, alone and was watching the group. He had excused himself, he needed a little air after his long day at work. The fresh air had helped him clear his mind, forget about work and focus on the important things in his life: His friends, but most important of all, Monica. She was sitting there in the middle of the couch, next to Rachel and Phoebe. She was smiling and they all were talking while Ross rejoined the group. He could never stay mad for long and his wish for belonging was bigger than his ego. Chandler smiled again when he saw them all together. No one of them really understood the importance they all had in his life. Sometimes, during dark nights he asked himself what would have happened with him if he had never met this group of people. Where would he be right now?
He took another sip from his beer while his gaze went back to Monica. She was the most beautiful woman that he has ever been with. Yeah, sure… he probably had thought that about all the women at the time but what he had with Monica was so much more. For the first time in his life he felt secure, she gave him a feeling of home. Something that he had not felt like… in forever! With her at his side the pressure seemed to simply go away. He felt at ease with himself and with the world around him. He sighed and took another sip. He heard another rumble and turned again to look at the clouds building up at the dark sky.
He still had these moments. These moments when he needed a little time for himself. Moments where he let some of the dark thoughts run free and let them take him with them. His mind spun and he saw a picture of his dad and his mom. Sure they have always meant well and they probably have always done the very best they could but… in the end it always hit him the most. Their fights, the screaming, the many scenes that had burned into his memory and he just could not get rid of. It had took them a while to get along again and to be civil around one another, to look each other in the eyes again and to be able to stay in the same room at the same time. From a grown up perspective he could understand that his mother was hurt. He could understand the changes and probably also the emotions that his father went through. But while so many things happened in their lives, who has been taking care of him?
He could still see himself sitting in his room, trying so hard not to cry, trying so hard to ignore the fighting going on downstairs. Trying to focus on the toy in front of him or the music in the radio. He remembered walking about his room when suddenly one of these old joke books fell into his hands. He remembered starring at it for quite some time, than lying down on his bed and reading the jokes one by one. He could still remember the smile on his face, the feeling inside him. Stupid, silly jokes that were not even funny – from a grown up perspective – but they had managed what nothing else could: They shut out the crying of his mother or the arguing from his father. Finally he was lying on his bed in peace, focusing on the book and its content. Trying to memorize each and every one of the jokes.
A small but sad smile curved around his lips when seeing this young version of him in his mind. He had thought that with these jokes he could make everyone feel better, just the way he had felt better when he had read them for the first time. But despite his efforts his parents never felt the same way and with his jokes he could hardly ever get more out of them than a dry smile. He slightly shook his head and took another sip. He used his free hand to massage his eyes. It felt as if he developed a headache from the whole trip down memory lane. He sighed again while from the inside he could hear his friends laugh. He had dragged the burden of his childhood around for a very long time. He had grown into a man scared of commitment, masking his fears with jokes and unable to stay in a relationship for very long. His life seemed to move in a downward spiral… even though he did not notice that at the time the one person that stopped the spiral and made his life turn to the better was Ross.
Through him he met Monica and later Rachel. Even though they got on each other’s nerves quite often and Ross was just as weird and quirky they finished college together. They stayed friends even though their lives developed in different directions. He could still remember the call from Ross when he told him about the free apartment across the hall from his sister. Phoebe joined the group and later Joey. Together they became this unique group of friends in a city where knowing your neighbors can often be a difficult thing and many people were rather alone. All of them had pulled up him. He had not noticed it at the time, how these people have changed him. How they helped him through his difficult times and how they have always been there for each other. Despite all the jokes and the fun they often made about each they have grown into a true family.
And while Chandler could feel the dark clouds leave his mind the clouds above got even thicker and a first drop of rain fell directly into his face. He looked up, quietly chuckled and just wanted to take another sip when he felt two hands slowly stroking up his back. “Hi honey!” Monica whispered quietly and closed her arms around him from behind. Chandler put the bottle down and turned inside her arms to face her. “Hi there!” He replied and smiled at her.
“We miss you inside.” She said while slowing stretching to give him a kiss. Chandler gladly met her lips half way and they slowly and gently kissed. If it was up to him this moment could last forever but Monica slowly pulled away and placed her head on his chest. He gave her a kiss on the head and pulled her closer. “Busy day at work?” He heard her ask. He had closed his eyes while her body pressed against his. He could smell the fine vanilla scent from her hair, feel the warmth of her body, her strong arms around him. For such a tiny person she sure had a strong grip, he thought and smiled. That was Monica, his one true love! A small affirmative “hm” escaped him while he enjoyed this moment with his girlfriend. He could feel her trying to cuddle her head deeper into his chest before pulling away.
“Let’s go inside, it starts to rain.” She said gently and grabbed his hand. She pulled him after her and he more than willingly followed. “Just remember to bring the bottle later…!” She said when stepping inside. “That’s why I love you… you always know how to make a romantic moment even more romantic.” He stepped inside after her. He glanced back at the lonely bottle of beer outside on the balcony. He was happy that this was and never will be him – alone outside in the dark cold rain. Because he was a part of the greatest group of Friends anyone could ever hope for. He turned to the room and his friends immediately turned to him. “Chandler, my man…!” Joey called out and just like that the darkness was gone and he was in the middle of the group discussing the latest “Days of our Lives”-Scene from Joey.