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Chris blindly grabbed the keys to his car from the countertop in the kitchen. Barely managing to put on his shoes, he stumbled in the general direction of the entrance door. Everything in front of his eyes began to blur. Carelessly, he wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his black hoodie and hastily fled the house, letting the door slam shut behind himself. He knew his parents would scold him for that later but honestly, he couldn’t care less right now. His thumb pressed the button on his car keys to unlock the car while hurrying towards the driver’s door. The rear lights flashed, signalling that the car had been unlocked. He yanked the door open and slumped down on the driver’s seat. His mind was blank. There was no destination he was planning to get to, he just wanted to leave, move, get away from everything that gave him so much pain. He thought he couldn’t possibly endure it any longer. With a quick glance through his rear-view mirror, he backed out of the driveway and turned his car left.
Driving felt easy. It made him concentrate on nothing but the vehicle he was steering. Mindlessly, he kept driving through his neighbourhood, eventually leaving the city and heading up a motorway that led him out of town. The sun had already set hours ago, the sky now a pitch-black void. While he was driving through the well-lit streets of his hometown, he didn’t realise just how dark it had already gotten, streetlights and neon signs illuminating even the darkest of nights, but now that he was driving along the lonesome road, with next to no other cars finding their way up here, the suffocating darkness was unescapable. Not exactly what he needed – more darkness - as if his own thoughts weren’t enough of a murky cloud above him, but at least he had the road to himself. Now with no other cars around him that demanded his attention, he felt his concentration fading. His focus was no longer on the road but started to drift. His thoughts started to wander again, leading him to start spiralling into madness all over again, anxiety kicking in just like earlier.
Without noticing he put his foot down on the gas pedal and continued to speed down the highway. He opened the window on his right side to let in some fresh air. The cool breeze of the night air hit him so welcomely in the face and blew through his brown curls. Time had stopped for him. He didn’t know how long he had been on the road. The only thing he kept repeating over and over in his head were the last words Felix had said to him the other day. //Three weeks// That was all he could think about. Three weeks were all he had left. Three weeks until his best friend would leave town, hell – even leave the country - to study abroad. Of course, Chris knew what an amazing opportunity this was and he wanted nothing short from the best for Felix but he couldn’t help himself for feeling left behind. Him and Felix had been best friends since childhood. They’ve known each other for the majority of their lives. He just couldn’t stand the thought of parting, of loosing his partner in crime. Naturally, he didn’t tell Felix any of this. He really wanted him to be happy and pursue his goal of studying. Factoring all of this in, it would have already been a huge hit, having to say goodbye to his best friend but of course this wasn’t the entirety of Chris’ problems yet.
“Wouldn’t be your life, if it wasn’t completely shitty, Chris.”, he thought to himself bitterly, scoffing a bit in disgust.
No, on top of it all he had to develop the worst crush ever on his best friend. It had crept up on him slowly. At first, he didn’t even notice how he felt drawn to Felix more and more. He thought this was merely a new stage in their friendship but the older he got the more he realised how his feelings towards the younger boy changed. Innocent hugs started to make his heart beat faster. When hugging Felix goodbye, he lingered a little bit longer in the others’ arms than necessary, trying to draw out the moment of parting. Time passed on and with each month, the feeling inside his chest grew and grew and when he realised what all of this meant, he was already so deep into it all, there was no way out anymore. The thought of telling Felix how he felt terrified him. Their friendship was sacred to him and he knew better than to risk it all over his stupid crush. He would simply have to live with it, endure it if it meant he could keep Felix by his side. And for quite some time, his plan seemed to work out. Fair enough, he suffered quite a lot, but at least he still had Felix around, right? It was all worth it.
Well, it worked out until three weeks ago. Felix and him had been walking back home from one of their trips to the beach, when Felix broke the news to him. He would be starting university in autumn. Chan knew that of course; he had helped Felix deal with his applications for weeks after all. What he didn’t expect though, were the news Felix brought to him then. He hadn’t heard back from the university of Sydney and neither from the other universities in their proximity. On top of sending out applications to the universities in Australia, he had applied to a couple of universities overseas as well just to make sure he had done everything he could. And a couple of days ago he had received the acceptance letter from one of those universities, meaning Felix would be leaving for Seoul in about two months’ time.
To Chris, this still felt like a fever dream. It had been a particularly hot summers day and yet, Felix’ words had pierced him like an icy sword. He would be leaving. Felix would be leaving. In just two months. Chris had to muster every bit of strength left in his body to will himself to stay calm that day. The least Felix needed now was Chris acting up and making him feel bad about wanting to pursue his dreams. Therefore, all Chris could do was swallow hard, collect himself and assure Felix that he was very happy for him and that he was so proud of him for taking this step. Which wasn’t a lie but also not the entire truth. But Chris had overestimated his own ability to keep his composure. Each day he felt himself close himself off more and more in the company of his best friend. He cancelled on Felix for their usual trips to the beach more times than not and avoided talking to him more than necessary. Instead, Chris found himself locked up in his room day after day, wallowing in self-pity.
Today was when he finally snapped. His thoughts had been all over the place all day until they narrowed down to one thought only that kept repeating itself in his mind over and over again. //I can’t be without him.// The panic attack that hit him was bad. He couldn’t stay in his room any longer, he needed air, needed room to breathe for his thoughts weighed heavily on his chest, rendering him unable to breathe and think straight. He felt like suffocating, physically and mentally.
//Away.//, he thought frantically, //I have to get away from here.//
He scrambled to his feet, pulled the hoodie he’d worn the day before over his head and headed out. That’s how he found himself in his car, driving nowhere. He felt the rush of adrenaline from speeding down the empty road do its magic, wiping the dark thoughts from his mind for a moment. This was good, this was easy. The city lights shone bright from afar and the small specks of light coming from the reflecting posts along the side of the road passed by quickly, moulding into one steady stream of light flowing steadily next to him, which was only fuelling the feeling of loosing his grip on reality further.
He didn’t know how long he had been driving or which roads his subconscious lead him down. When he took a particularly sharp curve, the wind that crept through his open window almost punched him in the face. This effectively sobered him up for a minute. Only now did he register the faint music that must have been playing from the car radio the whole time. He recognized the song that was playing from having heard it somewhere earlier that week and almost started to let his mind wander down the spiralling staircase that were his own thoughts again, when he picked up on the lyrics of the song on the radio.
>>I can crave you but you don’t need to know.<<
He hadn’t even registered the tears that had started to spill from his eyes until he felt his vision go blurry again. With an almost angry flick of his head, he tried to fight off the tears but to no avail. They were now freely running down his cheeks, silently dripping from his chin onto his hoodie. He knew how terribly dangerous it was for him to be driving late at night with a mind focussed on anything but the road and his vision blurry from crying non-stop but right now he wasn’t able to be responsible anymore. The helplessness he felt was weighing heavy on his chest. How? How would he be able to go on with his life without Felix? Without the one person he sought out when he had good news? When he had bad news? When he wanted to confide in someone knowing he won’t be judged? What would he do without the one person he loved most? He knew Felix wouldn’t technically disappear from his life just because he moved somewhere else but to him the distance felt so threatening that Felix might as well be vanishing from planet earth entirely. The thought of not being able to see him face to face, to not having his physical presence anymore scared him senseless. Felix’ presence was such a constant in his life, a pillar that he never expected to crumble but now he felt Felix slipping out of his hands like sand running through an hourglass. And with each day that passed, the inevitable departure inched closer and closer.
The radio DJ had switched to the next song and with the first beats of Blinding Lights coming from the speakers, Chris pushed the gas pedal down even harder. The sound of the engine almost tuned out any other noise but his utter despair couldn’t be drowned that easily. His mind was stuck with no way out.
He faintly recognized the road he was driving along now. Finally, he slowed down, scoffing in disbelief. Of course. Even in his mental state of complete chaos he unconsciously ended up here of all places.
He took the next turn left and saw the small path coming into view, that branched off from the main road. With a resigned sigh he manoeuvred his car into the sandy open area that was a makeshift parking lot, familiar and well-used by Chris and Felix alike. When he turned off the car, a sudden and infinite darkness swallowed him as there were no streetlights or other light sources that could illuminate the area. Chris got out of the car and carefully crossed the parking space until he reached the other side. Even in the dark, he found the start of the narrow path without fail. He had to squeeze himself along between the hedges that lined the way until he reached the end of it.
He stepped out into the open and took in the sight in front of him. It never failed to make him speechless, no matter how often he had seen it before. It only took him a couple of steps until his body met the wooden border that had been installed as a safety precaution all along this side of the clearing. And rightly so, as he now stood one foot away from the abyss. Literally. If he would look down, he wouldn’t even be able to see the ground beneath. In front of him, a mesmerizing sight presented itself. From this small clearing one had a perfectly clear view of the entire city of Sydney and its ocean of twinkling and shining lights.
For a moment he just stood there, taking everything in. He tried to calm himself down and took a few deep breaths. It seemed to work at first, the crisp air flowing into his lungs and pushing away his worries to the back of his head. Only seconds later though, when the next thought started to worm its way into his brain, he choked up again. All these lights in front of him, all these people, a city bustling with energy, but he felt so alone, so terribly lost. He didn’t mind the tears falling down his cheeks now, finally giving in to his emotions entirely. In a matter of seconds, he was full on sobbing and crying. His heart felt like it was being held by an iron fist that squeezed down harder with each passing moment. He had no idea how to endure this feeling, his whole body in agony. With a pained scream he let his feelings escape his body.
Suddenly, he heard something crack behind him. Confused, since no one ever found their way up here, he whipped around. A dark figure emerged from the shadows of the small path leading back to the road. The person walked straight up to him, seemingly hesitant. Chris started to tense up, already taking a defensive position, eyes focused on the nearing person. With every step the distance between them lessened and Chris was able to make out more details. When the head of the approaching person came into view, his heart wanted to lunge out of his chest.
Felix. Of all the people that could find their way up here in the dead of night to see Chris have a mental breakdown, it must have been him. Of course. Felix looked at him with a mixture of surprise and terror. He definitely heard him scream. Great. Totally cool. Hesitantly, Felix searched for his eyes and that was all it took. The moment Chris allowed their eyes to meet, he threw himself into Felix’ arms. He clung onto him for dear life, his sobbing now louder than ever when he buried his face into Felix’ shoulder. His tears created a wet patch where he hid his face in the fabric of Felix’ hoodie. Felix was clearly taken aback by his sudden movement, but he recovered quickly, wrapping his arms around Chris’ shaking frame tightly, holding him as close as physically possible. One of his hands came up to rub soothing circles into Chris’ back but every caring touch only seemed to increase the crying from the other. Chris had started to hiccup as he tried to inhale as much air as possible in the means to steady his breath and get his words across.
“Please- please don’t go”, he sobbed, gripping at the front of Felix’ hoodie, knuckles turning white. “Please don’t. I don’t know what to do without you. I know this is so selfish and I want you to be happy and I want to be happy for you, I really do, but I can’t, I just can’t.”
“Chris-“, Felix tried to interject but Chris ignored him, feeling like this is the only chance to get everything off his chest.
“I can’t stand the thought of you leaving. Leaving me. I know there is nothing I can do and it’s so stupid and childish of me. But I- I can’t do this without you Felix, I need you. I never thought I would have to say goodbye to you and I never want to. Never, you hear me? Y- you mean so much to me and I don’t know how to tell you. Shit, Felix, I fucking love you. I don’t wanna let you go and I-“
“Chris!”, Felix spoke up, making Chris flinch but catching his attention successfully. Chris stopped rambling and opted to snivel pathetically into Felix’ shoulder instead. “Hey, calm down, would you do that for me?” Felix carded his hand through the others hair, making it stick up into multiple directions. “Breathe, Chris, I’m not going anywhere, okay?”
“You- you- what?” Chris lifted his head from Felix’ shoulders and looked into his eyes, searching for an explanation, confusion written all over his face. “But- Seoul? You are-“
“I’m not going to Seoul after all. I just received the acceptance letter from Sydney’s uni this afternoon. Someone backed out last minute so they offered me to take the spot and I immediately confirmed it. I wanted to tell you right away but you didn’t answer all of my texts or calls so I- I thought maybe you didn’t care.” He sighed but continued. “You were so absent lately so I don’t know, I decided to drive up here to get some alone time to think.”
“You’re not leaving.” Chris whispered in disbelief, trying to wrap his head around this new piece of information.
“No. I’m not.” Felix smiled, his voice getting quieter. “I’m staying exactly where I belong.” The hand that had been combing through Chris’ hair moved down to cup his cheek, swiping away some stray tears that still shone on his face. Felix searched for Chris’ eyes but the older was still trying to process this unexpected turn of events.
“Chris, look at me”, Felix pleaded, so Chris carefully raised his head until he could look the other in the eye properly. The warmth and comfort Felix’ eyes were emanating was almost tangible.
“Where you belong.” Chris repeated weakly.
“Yes, where I belong.” Felix smiled at him softly. “You know I love you too, right? I’ve never really made a secret out of it but I guess it wasn’t clear enough for you to catch on.” He chuckled lightly.
Chris stared at him, eyes comically wide as his brain went over what he had heard, finally deciding he had not in fact made it up. Felix had definitely said these words. There was no mistaking.
“You mean it?” Chris asked hopefully.
“Yes, you big baby, I mean it. I love you. Very much in fact.”
The distance between them was crossed immediately, Chris capturing Felix’ lips with his own in a heartbeat. The surprised noise slipping out of Felix’ mouth made Chris retort but Felix wasn’t having any of it. The hand that wasn’t caressing Chris cheek still rested on the others back. Felix pulled him closer, pressing their lips together again. Chris made another choked up noise, kissing Felix back like a starving man. The taste of his own salty tears and the smell and taste of something that was distinctly Felix overwhelmed him. He was gripping Felix by the waist and held him close, seemingly never wanting to let go anymore. In the back of his mind, he registered another tear trickling down his cheek but this time, it wasn’t his own. Felix had let out a couple of tears as well, Chris realized. Carefully, he pulled away from him a bit, mouth moving from Felix’ lips to his cheeks, kissing the tears off his freckled skin. Felix let out a small laugh.”
“What are you doing?” he huffed.
“Enough crying for one night.” Chris said decidedly, placing another kiss on top of Felix’ nose. Felix hummed in agreement and pulled him into another hug. Chris let his head rest on top of Felix’, who had tucked his head under the others’ chin, planting light kisses all over his throat. He slowly kissed his way up, gracing Chris’ skin with feathery touches of his lips until he could capture them with his own again.
When they had to pull apart to catch their breaths, a strong gust of wind made Felix’ shudder in Chris’ arms.
“What if we take this to some place warmer?”, Chris asked, taking Felix’ hands into his own.
“Yes please,” Felix squeezed his hand back and turned around to start their way back. “But only if you kiss me some more then.”
“Gladly.”, Chris replied, letting himself be pulled by his hand. “I don’t plan to stop anytime soon.”