Work Text:
And so, Sally can wait
She knows it's too late
as we're walking on by
Her soul slides away
But don't look back in anger
I heard you say
It was a rainy, gray spring morning when Remus took Sirius’s hand, and apparated them to warmer weather. In his other hand, Remus held a postcard. “Life’s a Beach,” and a picture of sand and turquoise water. A return address had been scribbled in the corner in a familiar feminine script. Come visit, anytime , scratched hastily into the margin.
They called ahead, of course. Remus would never impose on Mary’s family’s Easter without an explicit invitation. Still, when spacetime unfolded and shook them out into sea breeze and sand, Sirius grinned like they’d just played hookie. It felt like they’d gotten away with something, and in a way, they had.
It’s not like they could justify going on holiday in the middle of a war. Officially, they were traveling for recruitment. At least, that's what they told Dumbledore, crouched in front of their fireplace a few weeks ago. Remus thought that it should have been obvious Mary was a lost cause. But he could tell, looking into Dumbledore’s eyes, behind his moon-half-full spectacles, that he still genuinely believed they had a chance. For all his wisdom, the old man never learned how to lose.
Mary was there to greet them.
“Just like magic,” She said. Remus had forgotten how beautiful she was, but he remembered then. He gathered her up in a hug, long limbs wrapping all the way around her with length to spare, but it felt like she was the one holding him. It had probably been that way for a long time now.
“Mary,” he said simply, and she gave him an extra squeeze. Her skin was warm from the sun. Remus realized that she had always belonged in a place like this, hot and bright. It was so obvious now, he felt stupid for never seeing it before.
She was more hesitant with Sirius. Not for her own sake, but for his, Remus saw. She seemed to innately know what it took Remus months to understand- that this Sirius was different, and all the old rules no longer applied.
He really shouldn’t be surprised. Mary had always been the best at letting people change.
She paused to gauge his reaction to her presence before stepping into his space. But then he grinned, wide and uncomplicated, like his mouth had remembered how to make that shape as soon as he’d seen her. Another piece of himself returned to him.
“Hello, love.” She said, muffled into his chest as they embraced. Remus felt the years between the three of them like aged wine, all of their bitterness leached out into caskets until the only thing left was the ghost of something sweet.
Mary led them to the house. It was her grandmother’s home, a neat little bungalow not too far from the beach. She introduced them as old school friends to the relatives that bustled about the house preparing lunch and tea. It wasn’t long before Remus had met four generations of Macdonalds. Mary’s grandmother was there, plump and proud, as was her mother, sister, and three aunties who may or may not have actually been blood relatives. And of course, Rachel, now five, and the spitting image of Mary. It was loud and warm and reminded Remus, fondly, painfully, of Christmas at the Potters.
He thought Sirius might be overwhelmed. He stuck close by, watching for any sign of tension. He would need a break soon, maybe a walk on the beach after lunch, but for now he seemed alright. More than alright- there was an old brightness in his eyes, a rare giddiness. Remus felt that familiar urge, deep in his gut, to protect him. To protect this fragile light.
He could almost pretend, for a moment, that they were whole. That he really could protect Sirius from the shadows that clung to his mind wherever he went. That this dizzy glow could last.
Soon they were all seated around the table, feasting and chatting. Mary heaped a second helping onto Remus’s plate before he even had the chance to ask.
“You know me well, Macdonald.” He said gratefully.
“That I do,” Mary chucked. Then she asked, casually, “Are you sure you can’t stay more than one night?”
“Afraid not,” Remus answered, mouth full.
“There’s a war on, didn’t you know?” Sirius said, equally casually.
“Not here, there isn’t.” Mary took a sip of her tea.
Remus thought that this was the only place in the world where he might believe that was true.
It was then he realized that this recruitment effort was going both ways. Mary knew that she couldn’t do it with words, but he could tell that she was hoping something they saw or did or felt here would change their minds. Maybe she never learned how to lose either. But Remus thought, looking around at her family, generations of happiness seated around him, that in all these years she was the only one of the lot of them that ever learned how to win.
—————
Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play?
You said that you'd never been
But all the things that you've seen
Slowly fade away
Sirius walked along the beach, trudging through the uneven sand. Moony had said he would join him shortly, he just needed to apply suncream. He’d been surprised when Sirius told him he’d go on ahead by himself. Sirius had always hated being alone, but since Azkaban, solitude had become unbearable. It was hard to explain; the way his thoughts drifted inevitably towards the past if there was no-one around to keep him in the present. He knew it wasn’t normal, that his mind might never be normal again.
But he was trying. Trying to hold Moony close like he was a lover and not a life raft. So he’d gone ahead to the beach, like a normal person would, not a dog, not a ghost , and it was actually fine. Sirius felt the sand in his toes, curling his feet into the grains, savoring the warmth. He looked out at the water, impossibly blue and clear. He listened to the sound of the waves, fizzing like the pleasant static at the end of a record. He was here, he was alright. Really, the beach felt like freedom to him. Salt water was the first thing Sirius had tasted outside of Azkaban’s walls, salvation even as he choked on it. It occurred to him now that the first time he told Remus how he felt, that he wanted to be with him, he had been on a beach as well. At least, he thought that was the case. He reached back into the maze of his memory, desperate for that feeling of surety that so often alluded him now. Yes that happened. It happened like this. He found Moony, cigarette pressed to his lips, surprise caressing his hard features until they softened, when Sirius told him he would try. That he would try to be brave for him. Yes . They were on the beach. And it was summer. There it is.
Sirius felt happiness bubble within him like sea foam- thin, insubstantial, but there. Just as quickly, something much bigger and stronger and more solid rose within him to tamp it down. Happiness was what drew the monsters to him, and even now, the shadows in his mind could smell it like blood in the water. He took a deep breath. He reminded himself where he was. When he was. He thought of Mary, making him feel so welcome, so comfortable, even as he brought a war to her door. He thought of Moony on his way to the beach. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel this.
It worked, a bit. If he tried, sometimes he could get it back, what the shadows had taken. It was easier here, he thought. Or he was getting stronger. He’d like to think that was true.
Strangely, the last few months reminded him of those early days at the Potter’s house, when his mother’s scorn was replaced with Euphemia’s kind smiles. Sirius had spent most of his life hiding the things that he loved from everyone, even from himself, for fear that they would be taken from him. He remembered how he buried his true joys like stolen treasure, unearthing them only in moments of desperation. How over time, all those years in the dark, he’d begun to lose them anyway. He’d dig, frantically, through barren dirt, searching for Moony’s smell, or James’s laugh, or Lily’s smile, and find nothing.
On his bad days, he still thought he didn’t deserve those things, anyway. Love, happiness, joy- how could he dare to want those things when he’d failed the people most important to him so spectacularly, so irreparably? But lately, he’d been trying to love without hiding it. To feel joy without pushing it away. He owed it to Moony, to Harry, and maybe to himself, to be more than just a shell. On his good days, he thought that if he could spend the rest of his life this way, loving them as truly and as loudly as possible, that would be enough. He’d have had a good life, in the end.
“Alright?” Moony’s voice came from behind him.
“Alright.” Sirius answered. He walked up the beach to meet Remus halfway. When he reached him, he wrapped both his arms around his neck and kissed him deeply.
“Oh,” Remus mumbled, surprised, and pleased. “What was that for?”
“Just wanted to,” Sirius answered. Moony gave a short laugh, and smiled. Sirius felt his heart lurch. He felt like he could remember everything now, if he tried. Moony was the map to every buried joy in his heart, and as long as they were together, he would show Sirius the way. We’ll get it all back, he thought. You’ll find all the scattered pieces of me, and I’ll come back to you.
This time, when happiness came, no shadows followed in pursuit. He took Moony’s hand and the feeling washed over him like a tidal wave, undeniable, devastating, wiping away everything else.
———————
Dinner passed much as lunch had, rich food, brash laughter. After, Remus helped with the washing up and Sirius went with Mary to help put Rachel to bed. It took a great deal of coaxing to get the girl to settle into sleep. Sirius even promised her that she could ride on Padfoot’s back in the morning if she went to bed without complaint.
“ Pushover,” Mary had whispered to him, and sure, he was.
They settled onto the porch, a bottle of red wine between them, while they waited for Moony to finish up.
“You’re good with her,” Mary said, a warm smile on her face.
Sirius flushed. “I don’t have much practice. Just Harry.”
“What’s he like now?” Mary asked quietly.
“He’s…” Everything. Sirius felt his lips tug into a smile as he thought of Harry. “So much like James and Lily. Brave and kind and bright…” Sirius trailed off.
“I bet he adores you.” Mary said.
Sirius wrung his hands thoughtfully, grasping for the right words. “I didn’t know it was like that. How parents were… I know I’m not this dad, but… I mean, I saw how it was, with the Potters, with James and Lily, but I didn’t know… I thought maybe because of how my family was, I couldn’t do it.” He’d worried about it, even before Harry, before Azkaban. That whatever parents were supposed to feel for their children had withered and died on the Black family tree.
But every time he saw James’s son, those fears evaporated. He loved Harry so much, and it was the easiest thing in the world.
“Sirius, you know that's not true.” Mary said, firmly. “If there’s one thing you know how to do, it’s love people. You always loved bigger than all of us.” Her eyes were shining in the moonlight, and she reached out and took his hand in hers.
“You still think that? Even after…” He found himself saying. He didn’t want to bring it up. Mary knew the truth now , that’s what mattered. But it ate at him, what they had thought of him for so long. That even after knowing him as they did, they could still see him that way. A Black heir. A deatheater.
“Let me tell you how it was,” Mary started, grasping his hand firmly, deep brown eyes fierce and sad. “We were all so naive, the lot of us. I thought… Everyone kept dying, but we were still alive. All of us . And I thought that there was something protecting us. I think maybe I thought that it was each other. That we could protect each other. And then after Marlene-“ Mary’s voice faltered. For a moment there was no sound but her tears falling. “And then James and Lily. I was so wrong. So stupidly wrong. It felt like I could have been wrong about anything else.” She paused again, gathering herself. When she spoke next, her voice was strong. “I loved you so much, I thought I couldn’t trust myself to know the truth. My feelings had muddied everything up, and my friends were dead and I didn’t know what was real. So I believed what they told me. Because I had been wrong before, maybe I was wrong about everything. And I’m sorry-”
“Don’t-“ Sirius cut her off. He couldn’t hear anymore. “Don’t apologize. It was my fault, in the end. I trusted Peter, I didn’t even trust Moony, and I trusted Peter-“
“Sirius. Stop” Mary said, in that undeniable tone she took with him sometimes. “We were kids. It was war. We were all desperate and paranoid, and all we had was each other. When Peter turned spy, that was it. That was the only thing that mattered. He sold us out, he killed them. All you did was try to save them.”
Sirius could feel the protests rising within him. His guilt was a wall that he had attempted to get over so many times, only to fall and fall and fall. He’d tried to raze it with vengeance, tried to scale it with hate and bitterness. Nothing worked. But now, he felt something give, an undoing deep in his core. The wall crumbled, no longer held together by the pain of his friend’s mistrust, and Sirius began to forgive himself, just a little.
He brought Mary’s hand to his lips, kissing it once, gratefully. “I’ll try to remember that.”
———————
Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows if it's night or day
Please don't put your life in the hands
Of a rock 'n' roll band
Who'll throw it all away
When Remus finished the dishes, he found Mary and Sirius sitting in the sand, already drunk and laughing, loud and clumsy like teenagers. He joined them, reminiscing fondly in a way he hadn’t let himself ever do before, though he let them keep the wine for themselves.
They really had been so happy, he thought. When they were kids, before the war. That happiness used to hurt him, a tight, gripping pain in his chest when he thought of it. But on this warm night, under so many stars, he thought maybe it had been worth it, just to feel it at all.
Eventually, Sirius fell asleep, head resting on Remus’s shoulder. After a little while he transformed into Padfoot, curled by his side.
Mary chuckled. “Still bloody strange, that.”
“It happens a lot now, since he’s been back. He doesn’t mean too.”
Mary ran her hands through the sand, thoughtfully. “He seemed good today. Back to himself. After we spoke on the phone, I was worried this all would be too much for him.”
“He’s happy here, I think.” Remus said. He looked over at the black dog, deep in sleep, his soft breaths rustling the sand. “ God, Mary, how did we ever -“
He cut himself off. Now wasn’t the time for that.
“We were always stupid about him.” Mary said, wistfully.
Remus met her gaze. He smiled, sadly. “Yeah. Yeah, we were.”
They were silent a moment. Then Mary said, “Do you remember in school, when Darren dumped me?”
Remus huffed a laugh. “You cried for days. I was terrified- I think I probably avoided you. God, I was a prat.”
“Oh, I was devastated. Absolutely pathetic about it. And you know, after a few days of wallowing in the drama, I thought ‘ this would be so much easier if I could hate him .’ So I tried. I was so angry with him, for breaking my heart, and I was so determined to hate him for it, I really convinced myself that I did. But it was no use. Even when I hated him, I still loved him, and it tore me in two.”
Remus was quiet.
“It’s so hard to stop loving someone, even when you wish you could forget all about them.” Mary continued. “It takes so much out of you.”
“‘’Spose.” Remus mumbled, looking away from her. Mary nudged his side with her bare foot. He looked up at her.
“I just mean that it’s good to see you back to yourself, too.” She said with a wry smile.
Remus let out a deep sigh. “Yeah. It’s good. Good to be with him.”
“Whatever happened to that other bloke you were going with for a while?” Mary asked, tone bright and teasing. “You know, sweet as can be, knew how to use a bloody telephone.”
Remus laughed. “Went and left me.”
“Poor love.” Mary said with exaggerated sympathy, scooting over to him, and leaning into his arm.
“I never deserved him.” He said, matter-of-factly.
Mary squeezed his hand softly. “You know none of us get what we deserve.”
“Right.” He wrapped his arm around her small frame, warming her from the wind.
They stayed like that a moment, just breathing together in silence, until Remus changed the subject. “I know what you’re up to, you know.”
Mary turned to face him, her expression wide with faux offense. “Whatever do you mean, dear?”
Remus just raised one eyebrow at her.
“Alright, alright.” She raised her hands above her head, surrendering. “I just want you to know you have options.”
Remus nodded. “If there was a way to take Harry and run, we would. But he’s right at the center of it.”
Mary shook her head. “You can always run, Remus. You know that.”
He did. He remembered saying something similar to someone else, long ago, but the details evaded him, now. “Sirius won’t.”
Mary sighed. “Same as it ever was. Following each other off to war like lemmings. Taking orders from that batty old man like he can save any of you.”
“You know I’m not that naive anymore.” Remus said pointedly. “Still doesn’t change anything.”
He didn’t have the excuse of youth this time. He knew what he was getting into. Last time, he’d been too young to be of any use, and now he was sure he was too old. Maybe there was never really a time when he could have been any help. Maybe there was nothing useful anyone could do in Dumbledore’s war except die in it. He thought the old man saw it that way too, sometimes. That it was just a matter of timing it right.
“Well, if you change your mind-”
“I know,” Remus said, kissing Mary’s forehead and tucking her under his arm once again. “I’ll call you.”
———————
I'm gonna start a revolution from my bed
'Cause you said the brains I had went to my head
Step outside, 'cause summertime's in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace
Take that look from off your face
'Cause you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out
In the early morning hours they went to bed. Despite his earlier canine doze, Sirius remained human as he slept now. He was curled into Remus’s chest, forehead pressed against his heartbeat. Remus stayed awake just to memorize how it felt, just to breathe the sticky, humid air between them.
He had forgotten, had made himself forget, how a love like this felt. This full body kind of love, the kind of love that sings in your teeth. He had forgotten that it felt like breaking and being made whole at the same time.
Sirius stirred and opened his eyes, looking up at him but not saying anything. Remus’s brow creased, studying him for any sign of distress. But his eyes were clear.
In the dim moonlight, Remus couldn’t help but be floored by his beauty all over again. It was a silly thing to love about someone, especially now, when they were both dulled and grayed from age and grief. But there was a profound stubbornness to Sirius’s beauty, in that it persisted, despite everything. Clean and cared for, the new lines on his face had settled into an aesthetic symmetry that gave Remus a stupid kind of hope. Maybe some things could last. Maybe, with his strange power, the man in his arms could turn this haunting into a love story.
“Remus, can we… I want to.”
Remus smiled, and kissed him once on the forehead in answer. He spelled a silencing charm like they were teenagers again. As Sirius pulled him closer, Remus thought of all the little worlds of silence they’d filled up with noise together. It was slow and careful, like it always was nowadays. They were learning this new intimate language, practicing together with shoddy grammar, the words mispronounced and in all the wrong order. But eventually, always, understood.
After, as the sun crept in quietly through the window blinds, they could finally sleep.
———————
So, Sally can wait
She knows it's too late
As we're walking on by
Her soul slides away
But don't look back in anger
I heard you say
The morning passed in a sunny haze of goodbyes, food and laughter. Sirius did let Rachel ride Padfoot, much to her delight, though Mary could tell his back was sore afterwards. She knew he’d never admit it, though. He just seemed happy.
Mary walked with them to the beach to see them off. She held both of them too long as she said goodbye, not quite willing to let them go just yet. Neither of them promised to visit again, and she didn’t ask them to. But they both thanked her, for this time. For everything.
“Be good, Mary,” Sirius said, attempting to ruffle her hair. She batted his hand away.
“That’s rich, coming from you.” She teased.
“Too right. In that case, be very, very naughty, and get up to all sorts of mischief, or I’ll be cross with you.” Sirius commanded.
“Alright, alright.” She embraced him once again. He smelled like himself. She didn’t know what that smell was, but there was no other like it. It was just Sirius, just memories and passion and fury, and deep, deep friendship underneath it all. “I love you, you old dog.”
“Love you too, Mary dear.”
Mary brushed away the tears in her eyes as she turned to Remus.
“We really should be getting back,” he said softly.
“Always the responsible one,” Mary sighed. She didn’t tell him to be safe, or careful, or to call or write. She just took both his hands in hers and brought them to her lips. “I’m here if you need me.”
Remus pulled her into his chest, resting his head on hers, his cheek creasing into her hair. “I know.”
Remus never had many words for her. His contemplative silence had been a metronome in her life, keeping her steady as she talked and talked and talked to him in her youth. Now she found she didn’t need so many words with him either. He just knew her, and she knew him, and that was enough.
“All my love,” She murmured against his chest.
“Mmmm.” He hummed, She felt the vibration of it against her heart. “All my love,” he echoed, a whisper.
She made herself pull away. Sirius and Remus joined hands, smiling at her still, though their eyes were shining. As she watched them, she had the strange sense that she was seeing every version of them she had known simultaneously. The wild children that tore past her in the halls, always up to something. The lanky, beautiful teenagers she’d fallen in love with, each in their own way. The young men they were when they’d all gone to war, foolish and brave. And as they stood now, a breath away from middle age, wearied by loss, but so, so in love.
It would never be enough time with them. She knew that. Just like she knew not to hope that she would see them again. Her hopes had never saved anyone, never done her any good. All she could do was love them, in the time that they had, and make sure they knew it.
They disappeared in a blink, there and then gone. She stared at the spot they had stood in moments before, and sank to her knees in the sand. The tears came, and she let them, sitting on the beach, staring out at the sea, thinking of the tide that goes and comes back, drawn to the shore by an invisible force. How each time it goes, it takes something of the beach with it.
She stayed there for a while, until her tears dried and she heard a high voice calling to her from behind.
“MUUUUUUM!” Rachel called to her.
“I’m here, love!” Mary called back. The little girl came barreling towards her, crashing into her at full speed. Mary wobbled, and laughed, as she saw her mother following close behind, out of breath.
“Can we go swimming?” Rachel asked. She was already in her striped pink swimsuit.
“It’s a holiday. We can do whatever we please.” Mary announced, pulling her daughter onto her lap.
“I love holidays.” Rachel said, burrowing into Mary’s chest. “Did your friends leave?” She asked.
“They did, I was just down here to see them off.”
“I like them. Especially the dog.” Rachel said, excitedly.
“Me too, love.”
“Will they come back?” Rachel asked.
“I don’t know. We didn’t plan it.” Mary answered. “But I hope so.” She did, despite herself.
Rachel stood up and began pulling Mary’s hand with all her strength towards the water. “Let’s gooo.”
“Alright, alright. But only up to my knees, I’m still in my clothes.”
Mary let her daughter lead her into the sea. They spent the rest of the day playing on the beach, until they were all sun drained and sandy and soaking wet. Mary was tired, and grateful, and grieving, and hopeful, and afraid.
And happy. So very happy.
So, Sally can wait
She knows it's too late
As she's walking on by
My soul slides away
But don't look back in anger
Don't look back in anger
I heard you say
At least not today