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An apology made of nothing but words is like trying to build a sand castle in the middle of the sea. Try and try as you might, you’ll never even be able to begin the foundation. You’re constantly starting over, wondering why the ocean is such an unforgiving force, even as you stand in it’s depths and ignore the sand on the beach just a few inches in front of you. A place where you can build and change and work. A place that allows you to see how gentle the ocean is truly being in that moment. It’s not the oceans fault you stand in its waves.
And that was a lesson that took Todoroki Enji far too long to learn.
A near death experience is not what should have triggered him to become a better man, but it was. He was at least greatful to be given the second chance.
But changing who you are… is hard.
No excuses.
Enji took a deep breath, stepped forward. His stomach was churning wildly. He hadn’t even knocked on the door yet, just staring at the silver 878 written there.
Rei would be inside, the secretary at the front desk had informed him. If he wanted to visit, all he had to do was knock. And if she wanted him for a visitor, she would let him in.
And if she didn’t want him as a visitor, he would leave. Perhaps he would write her a letter, explaining the purpose of his visit. Perhaps he would leave her ocean entirely.
He startled back to the present as the doorknob to Rei’s room began turning from her side. And his mouth went dry as he looked at his wife for the first time in decades.
“Endeavor.”
Her voice is quiet. On edge, but strong. A million storms rage behind her eyes as she looks at him, a strange fire lit in the pale grey. Enji hadn’t seen that fire in Rei for so long. Hadn’t seen it since he started training Touya.
Started hurting Touya. Started putting too much weight on such young, precious shoulders.
He should have brought flowers.
It would have felt like a lie, a way out for cowards.
“Rei,” his breath is shaky. He does not move to step inside as he would have so many years ago. “I came to apologize.”
His words are met with silence. A slender hand rests on the door frame, ready to close it at a moment’s notice. Enji doesn’t know what to do, what to say. He doesn’t know how to be a better man.
That isn’t Rei’s problem, and he knows it. She doesn’t owe him anything, and he should have prepared himself. It’s the most important part of being a hero.
Enji’s not sure he should use that word to describe himself.
“Apologize, then.”
Her voice is a glacier, cutting through the sea of awkwardness Enji flounders in.
And it is then, for the first time, that Enji bows to her.
He falls slowly to his knees, feeling the cold tile through the fabric of his pants, forehead resting on the top of his hands.
“For not being the husband I vowed to be, I am sorry. For not being the father I should have been, I am sorry. For taking you from our children, I am sorry. For being the cause of your physical pain, I am sorry. For sending you here, I am sorry. For taking away your choices, i am sorry. For every misdeed I have ever committed against you, I am sorry,” Enji inhales sharply, fear coiling in his gut. But what does he have to fear from Rei? She has never laid a hand against him. “For taking your life from you, I am sorry. There is no feat I could do to deserve your forgiveness. You would be right to shun me for all eternity.”
The silence carries on for a long, long time. Enji does not rise. Does not move. Barely even breathes. For all he knows, eyes squeezed shut, he has been on the floor for hours, days, weeks. But he will not move until Rei tells him too, until she knows what his actions will be.
“…I never thought you would admit it.”
She’s crying. Enji can hear the tears in her voice.
“I thought you had forgotten.”
How could he have? He had never forgotten. He had tried to justify his actions to himself. That felt infinitely worse.
And then the door closes. The air brushes through his hair, and the click of the lock is a death sentence.
Words without action mean nothing.
He doesn’t see Rei again until he’s in the hospital, having fought Dabi, Touya.
“Yes? What about your heart? Those regrets and guilt... the rest of us have borne that burden much more than you have."