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Chiaki’s soft rambling was the only thing Nagito heard as he laid in the soft grass of the island. This time, she was going on about some new and exciting video game that had recently been released. Nagito smiled, he never really understood the particular jargon that she used to describe her many video games, but he still enjoyed the fact that she would bother to talk to him about anything at all.
He rolled over and looked at her; she had been sitting crisscross, leaning against a tree. He was getting a little restless and his thoughts were starting to bother him.
“Hey, Chia Pet.” His nickname for her. She gave him an exaggerated pout at being called that. She pretended not to find it endearing. He grinned, ecstatic that he was able to press her buttons.
“What do you want?” She said teasingly and pretended to ignore him in favor of her video game. He frowned. A thought had run through his head; one that troubled him. Guilted him. He didn’t want to go through with his plan, even if it was for the greater good of the world. For humanity.
He knew that to save lives, he had to trick one of the other students into killing him in a death trap that would be impossible to solve. Even the best of detectives would be utterly at a loss for answers, at least that's what he hoped would happen. He had no choice but to put his utmost faith into his Ultimate Luck. He considered the outcomes. If Chiaki was the traitor, she’d be unknowingly responsible for his death. At the very least, he thought, it was him. He was sure she’d have no qualms with ending a worthless waste of space such as him. But…what if she wasn’t the traitor? Could she be what everyone else really was? Could she have-
“Nagito? What’s wrong?” Nagito snapped from his deep thought as Chiaki shot him a concerned expression. He realized he had adorned his face with a scowl as his mind juggled these questions.
“Sorry,” he smiled with a crooked grin, but he could tell she didn’t accept it as authentic. He hated how his thoughts hunted him. He hated how they surrounded him like thorns and were persistent regardless of his attempts at escape.
But now he had something to distract him. Her soft words and the gentle whistle of her adorable lisp lifted him out of his quicksand brain. When he was around her, he could turn off the neon flashing lights of questions and problems and allow himself to breathe without the crushing weight of what he had to do. Everything about her was perfect, she was so kind and never judged him for the odd way he’d space out, or when he’d whisper to himself.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, grateful that she hadn’t pressed further. She sat patiently, waiting until he was ready.
“I just,” he paused to reconsider before continuing, “I’m just thinking about a lot.” She gave a small head tilt that encouraged him to continue. The way she was so prepared to listen to him made his thoughts about her want to bubble out. He wanted to tell her just how much he appreciated her.
“Why are you so nice to me?” He suddenly asked and her face fell into an expression of confusion. He immediately wished he hadn’t asked. He knew that it could be awkward for someone to explain the nature of a relationship, instead of just letting it be unspoken. Once it’s said aloud, then there’s expectations.
He observed nervously as she stared at the grass, deep in thought. He really wished he hadn’t asked that.
“Well,” she started while twisting a piece of grass, "I enjoy being around you. You’re kinda different from everyone else, I guess? I mean, of course I enjoy being around Hajime, but you’re more honest.” She gave him a light smile.
He returned her smile but still wished he hadn’t let his stupid mouth slip up like that. He hated that he had ruined the natural and sweet moment.
She released a soft sigh and let herself lean over onto Nagito. Now she was resting her head against his back as he lay flat on his stomach. The coarse grass under him was greatly contrasted by the softness and warmth of where Chiaki rested on him. He felt the tension fizzle out of him as they both lay there, comfortable, wordless, and perfect.
It would be okay. He knew he often let himself overthink. He knew Chiaki would never judge him as harshly as he judged himself. His eyes started to fill with tears and he desperately wanted to cry with the sheer amount of appreciation that washed over him. He was so overwhelmed with gratitude to have someone who tolerated him and would lay against him so comfortably. He wanted to stay like this forever. He wanted to have Chiaki, next to him, forever. He wanted to tell her that he loved her, but he knew he never could. The relationship they had was like catching lightning in a bottle, and he’d be devastated if he lost that. He didn’t want to end it by being greedy and trying to have more than he deserved. Even what they had now was way more than he deserved.
Even still, he couldn’t help but imagine what more they could have. He wanted to hold her face and kiss her soft lips. At this moment, he wanted to turn to Chiaki and get as close as possible. He needed to wrap his arms around her and envelop her and let her softness save his wretched soul. He didn’t deserve that salvation and he didn’t deserve her; he knew that all too well.
But what would the difference be for her? To him, a romantic relationship would be similar to what they already had, just slightly more intimate. What was it that made Chiaki want to leave things the way they were? What was Nagito doing wrong?
She probably just didn’t have any romantic feelings for him, simple as that.
Or maybe his mistake from earlier reflected the same mistake of running his mouth again? Maybe the reason they couldn’t date was for the same reason? The moment he talked to her about his feelings and asked about a more intimate relationship would be the moment that he forced her to make a choice, forced her to speak something that should’ve remained unspoken. Their relationship would be absolutely ruined by the expectations that would come from that.
He could always speculate, but he decided at this moment that he’d never know. He resolved that he’d never bring up his romantic attraction to her. He wanted things to stay the way they were and if Chiaki ever wanted to take things further, he’d let that be her choice. He’d let her be the one to decide. After all, she was way too good for him. She was so smart, so funny, and so pretty, yet she still decided to stand next to someone like him. To him, she could do no wrong.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of soft snoring. Her breathing had slowed and she was now sleeping soundly against him. A smile split across his face. He wanted to cry, but didn’t want to wake her with his shaking.
She really did save him.