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It started when Yeonjun first heard about the new kid and how he was immediately included into the debut lineup once he joined. The news caused a ruckus amongst the trainees, because everyone was wondering how great that person was. “Is he a trainee from somewhere else?” One of the many trainees said in a sea of whispers. The news had been spreaded around, and it had been the talk for days now. Everyone wanted to know the identity of the new kid and his ability. “No, I heard he has never trained before.”
“No way. If so, he’s gotta have some real talent if the company decides to debut him immediately. I mean, there’s so many of us who trained for a long time.” Another said.
Yeonjun tried to ignore the gossips, but he couldn’t help but to be curious as well. He worked so hard for this day. Even though the situation might change in the future, but he only managed to see a glimpse of light after working hard for four years. He earned himself a position in debut lineup by spending four years. He couldn’t make himself believe in the rumours. There was no way the new kid hadn’t been trained at all.
“Soobin, Yeonjun, Taehyun, Kai.” A staff called out, “Follow me.”
The staff led the four of them to another practice room without the other trainees. This wasn’t a rare occurrence. The four of them, after all, were the ones chosen for the debut lineup. So it wasn’t strange that they were called to discuss a few things with the company. “I think you guys must have heard the news.” The staff began.
“The new trainee?” Soobin asked.
The staff nodded. “Yep, he will be joining the four of you immediately, as well as moving into the dorm with all of you. We want to introduce to you guys first before introducing him to the other trainees.”
“Beomgyu, can you please come in?”
And that was the first time they met. He looked just like any other trainees. Nervous and uncertain. Choi Beomgyu. The new kid introduced himself. 2001 liner. Daegu. Able to play guitar. Those are the few things that were stuck on Yeonjun’s head.
“Beomgyu here will be included to the debut lineup. However, he has never trained before, so I hope you guys can help him out. The company will also provide more lessons for him. Try to get along well, okay?”
Yeonjun couldn’t help but to feel bitter. “What does he have that I don’t? Why did I have to spend four years when he didn’t even have to try?” Yeonjun thought. But he still bit back his tongue. “I’m Yeonjun. Let’s get along well.” He said to Beomgyu.
-----
“Hey, bigshot.” Yeonjun overheard one of the trainees calling out to Beomgyu. He was buying some drinks at a convenience store nearby. A couple of trainees were there, as well as Beomgyu. But they didn’t seem to notice Yeonjun’s existence there. “Hyung, stop calling me that.” Beomgyu chuckled. “Well, you are the legendary bigshot who earned the golden ticket.” One of the guys ruffled Beomgyu’s hair endearingly. After a few weeks since Beomgyu’s arrival, Yeonjun noticed that this kid wasn’t as quiet as he seemed to be. In just a short amount of time, he managed to get most of the people here wrapped around his fingers. Surely there would be people jealous of him, but he somehow managed to change their mind about him and turned them into his friends.
“How’s it going for you? Running low on gas yet? Seems like your schedule is quite packed.”
Beomgyu replied, “well I have a lot to catch up on.”
“Aren’t you tired? Have a break, hangout with us once. Once you debut you wouldn’t even have any time at all.”
Beomgyu shrugged. “I can’t manage to take a break now.”
“What? Are you trying to catch up with Yeonjun? Don’t even bother. He’s impossible to catch up with, kiddo.”
Yeonjun was expecting Beomgyu to say something about that, but he didn’t. Beomgyu only remained quiet until another one commented. “Let’s play at the arcade sometimes. You need to unwind yourself. Maybe fake a sickness or something. Or just hangout during the night. These hyungs might teach you how to drink.” Beomgyu laughed at that. And Yeonjun just decided he didn’t want to eavesdrop anymore, so he left. He could only hope that Beomgyu know better than to ruin his own future by skipping practices and doing underage drinking.
And then came a day, when they were supposed to be in the practice room for one of their group training schedules. The younger ones were supposed to come over after school, but even when their choreo teacher arrived, Beomgyu was still nowhere to be seen.
“Beomgyu-hyung told us he went home earlier today.” Huening said.
“Ah, actually, he was home early and told me he’s going to take a nap. I did remind him about the practice before I left the dorm. I think he might be sick. He looks kinda pale.” Soobin added.
“He might be exhausted. His schedule is packed.” Taehyun reasoned.
Their teacher sighed. “Everyone’s trying their best here. Everyone else is exhausted. The least he could do is to let us know why he’s not here.” Yeonjun couldn’t help but think of the conversation he overheard days ago at the convenience store. “I’ll try calling him.” Soobin said.
“Forget it. Let’s just start without him. But let him know I want explanation later on, okay?”
“Yes, ssaem.” The members nodded.
The practice went on for a few hours before they wrapped it up and headed back to their dorm. It was summer and it was hot as hell. They expected Beomgyu to be home so they were expecting the dorm to be cool with the AC on. But when they arrived, the whole place was still stuffy and overly warm. “I thought you said he was sleeping at home?” Yeonjun raised an eyebrow.
Soobin shrugged. “He was, when I left.”
The second eldest headed towards his shared room with Beomgyu. “Gyu, you there?”
“Mhmm?” Yeonjun could hear them from outside their room, it was a small place afterall.
“Hyung? Shit! What time is it?! I missed the group practice?”
Yeonjun wanted to scoff at that. He wanted to believe that the younger was putting on an act. The timing was way too off. It couldn’t be an coincidence.
“Yeah, let’s just say ssaem isn’t too happy with that. He wants you to let him know why you weren’t there.” Soobin replied.
“S-sorry, hyung.”
“Well, you gotta tell that to ssaem. You feeling okay?”
“Just tired, I guess. I better wash up and attend my personal training.” Beomgyu said as he walked out of his room and turned face to face at Yeonjun.
“Where did you go?” Yeonjun asked, his voice low to make sure the others didn’t overhear.
“I’m sorry, hyung. I didn’t mean to oversleep. I guess it’s just the exhaustion-“
“We’re all tired as well. We spent years training. Imagine our exhaustion.’ Yeonjun sighed.
“I know. I won’t do it again, I promise. I’m sorry.” Beomgyu replied.
“I hope you know what’s best for yourself, and what’s best for the team, okay?” Yeonjun said, hoping Beomgyu could take the hint. That he could understand that he shouldn’t be wasting his time with those people no matter how nice they were to him. But listening to what Beomgyu had said, and seeing how guilty he looked, Yeonjun assumed that Beomgyu understood what he meant.
After that, Beomgyu left for his private lessons. It was true that Beomgyu’s schedule was more packed than what they had. But Beomgyu needed those as he had no previous trainings before. So he had to make up for those to be able to debut. But everyone had been through that before, for the sake of their dream.
“Yeonjun-hyung.” Soobin called.
“Mhm?”
“I overheard what you said to Beomgyu. What did you mean? Why do you think he wasn’t home earlier?” Soobin asked.
“Didn’t you feel how hot the whole apartment was? If he was home, there was no way he could survive without the AC.” Yeonjun reasoned. And then he told Soobin about what he heard at the convenience store. He didn’t plan to tell the members about this, but since Soobin was asking him, he decided to tell anyway.
Soobin shrugged after listening. “I know we haven’t known him for long. But I don’t think he’s that kind of person, hyung.”
“I don’t know, Soobin-ah. I just want to make sure we don’t lose whatever we have right now.”
Soobin nodded. “Let’s just not assume things, okay? Don’t tell the kids as well.” Soobin said, not wanting Taehyun and Huening to think badly about Beomgyu. They were supposed to be a team. The least they could do was to believe in one another.
-----
“Good job, y’all, But Beomgyu, you need to relax a bit. Your movement is kinda stiff.”
“Yes, ssaem.” Beomgyu nodded at their choreo teacher’s remarks and immediately stood up to repeat the dance moves while watching himself in the mirror even after their teacher left the studio.
“Hyung, take a break. Don’t you have lessons after this?” Huening said.
“Only vocals.” Beomgyu replied as he continued with the moves, ignoring what the younger had said. “Yeonjung-hyung, can you show me this part?” Beomgyu asked meekly. The boy never hesitated when he needed help from the members, not even Yeonjun. Though it was visibly different when it came to Yeonjun. The boy always looked like he was on the edge when talking to Yeonjun.
“Sure.” Yeonjun replied.
Yeonjun repeated the movements once and waited for Beomgyu to follow what he did.
“Beomgyu-ah, try to do it cleanly. Your legs are stumbling.” Yeonjun commented.
“Sorry hyung. Legs kinda jelly right now.” Beomgyu let out a weak chuckle.
“You won’t get anywhere with this condition. Better rest up and focus on your vocals later.” Yeonjun said, sounding harsher than he intended. He mentally scolded himself when he saw the smile disappearing from the younger’s face.
“Um, I guess so. Thanks for showing me, hyung. I’m gonna prepare for the next lesson anyway.” Beomgyu said as he bid goodbye and left the practice room.
“Yeonjun-hyung.” Taehyun said. “I think he’s just exhausted. He has a hard time keeping himself awake in the class these days.” Taehyun continued.
“I didn’t mean to sound harsh.” Yeonjun mumbled.
“I know.” Taehyun replied.
“I didn’t see him in the room when I sleep. It’s been days now.” Soobin added.
Yeonjun frowned. “There’s no way he has lessons in the middle of the night.”
Soobin shrugged.
“I’m worried. Maybe we should talk to him? Where would he had gone in the middle of the night?” Soobin said.
“I’m not sure. He’ll tell us if he wants to.” Yeonjun said before turning up the music again, muting everyone else. He could only hope that Beomgyu knows what’s best for himself and the team.
Another day had passed since the conversation, and it was almost 3 a.m. in the morning when Yeonjun’s phone rang, waking him up from his sleep. He frowned as he saw the caller id on his phone screen. Choi Beomgyu. ‘Why the hell is he calling at this time?’ Yeonjun thought before picking up the call.
“Beomgyu?” He spoke.
“H-hyung.” The voice replied, slightly slurred. Yeonjun frowned even deeper.
“Where are you? Why are you calling me at this hour?” Yeonjun asked. It was definitely weird. Because Beomgyu had never called him before. “I, uh, you know the shop next to the ramen restaurant near the company? The, uh, the shop. I need to buy something, but I-I’m not old enough.” Beomgyu answered. His voice sounded unfocused. Something burned inside Yeonjun. Next to the ramen shop is a place where they sell alcohol.
“You fucking called me because you needed my id for drinks?”
Yeonjun was the only one in their group old enough to buy alcohol. But never would he ever expected one of them asking for his id for alcohol.
“H-hyung, please-“
“I’m so disappointed in you. I thought you would know better. Do you understand that if anyone finds out in the future, this will not only ruin you, it will also ruin the whole team? And don’t drag me into this shit.” Yeonjun cut the call off in a rage.
Yeonjun tried going back to sleep after that, but he just couldn’t. Maybe it was because of the anger, or maybe he was worried. Beomgyu was just a kid afterall. What if he got too drunk and couldn’t make it home? What if something happened to him along the way? It would be bad if someone saw him drunk in the public. So Yeonjun reasoned to himself that he might as well bring Beomgyu home as soon as possible.
Yeonjun sighed, swinging his legs off the bed. He quickly grabbed his jacket and put on a mask. And off he went to the place Beomgyu mentioned in the call.
When he arrived, he couldn’t help but to roll his eyes. The trainees who talked to Beomgyu were there. He reluctantly walked up to the bous. “Hey, Yeonjun! Didn’t expect to see you here. Whatcha doin’ here?” One of them slurred, clearly drunk.
“I’m here to pick up Beomgyu. Where’s he?” Yeonjun asked.
They only laughed at yeonjun. “Why are you asking us? You guys practically live in the same place.” They said.
Yeonjun frowned at the reply. “He’s not with you guys?”
“No. He’s too busy for us. Never joins no matter how many times we ask. Never leaves the practice room.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’re always here every night, you know. To hang out and stuffs. And he’s always in there.” One of them pointed at the company building. “But I saw him left a while ago. Maybe he’s finally going to have fun." Another one added, giggling.
Guilt raised inside Yeonjun. Beomgyu had been practicing alone. And Yeonjun had been running his head on the bad things. But if Beomgyu wasn’t here, where would he be? Beomgyu clearly told Yeonjun that he was at the store next to the ramen restaurant. And then Yeonjun’s eye landed on the pharmacy. The pharmacy was also next to the ramen place. He quickly ran to the pharmacy but there was no once except for the employee tending the store.
“Hi, do you happen to see a boy? A little tall, has soft brown hair with doe eyes?” Yeonjun asked.
“Oh, are you the one he called?”
“Uh, yeah.”
The employee sighed. “He left. If I knew someone was coming for him, I would’ve asked him to stay. He told me no one is coming for him. I really wanted to help, but it was protocol. I couldn’t sell it to him without an id.”
“What?” Yeonjun tilted his head in confusion. He couldn’t understand what the man was saying.
“Cough syrup. He was going to buy cough syrup.”
Yeonjun’s heart clenched at the answer. He yelled at the kid over a cough syrup.
“I don’t know what happened during the call, but he was so busy wiping his tears after that. He just left after saying sorry to me for taking up my time when no one is coming for him. He shouldn’t be too far gone in that condition. He doesn’t look good.” The man said, clearly worried about the stranger he met less than an hour ago.
“I-I’ll take the cough syrup or whatever he needed earlier. Thank you.” Yeonjun said, as he showed his id and handed out a bill.
Yeonjun quickly left the pharmacy after that. He looked around, trying to find a familiar chestnut hair. And the man was right. Beomgyu wasn’t too far gone at all. He found Beomgyu sitting alone at the bus stop, his puffy eyes closed, leaning heavily to the seat. “Hey.” Yeonjun said, gently tapping on Beomgyu’s shoulders. The younger slowly fluttered his eyes open. Yeonjun felt his stomach turned with guilt. Beomgyu’s eyes were bloodshot and glassy. His long lashes still wet with the tears shed. “What are you doing here?” Yeonjun asked.
“Home.” Beomgyu answered, eyes unfocused. Yeonjun wasn’t even sure if Beomgyu could recognize him.
“There’s no more bus at this time, dummy.” Yeonjun reprimanded softly. “It’s hard to find a taxi here as well.”
“Come on.” Yeonjun said as he squatted down in front of the younger. “Let’s go, Gyu. Hyung will get you home.” Yeonjun said as he carried the younger on his back. The boy was shivering, but even through the thick jacket he was wearing, he could feel the uncomfortable heat coming off the boy.
“Hyung?” Beomgyu mumbled. “Soobin-hyung?”
“Yeah?” Yeonjun gulped. Maybe it was the usage of the nickname ‘Gyu’, maybe it was because Yeonjun called himself hyung, Beomgyu thought he was Soobin instead. But Yeonjun didn’t have the need to correct Beomgyu.
“Yeonjun-hyung hates me.” The younger said, voice trembling. And just seconds later, Yeonjun felt the tears falling onto him. The younger was crying. ‘Crying because of me.’ Yeonjun thought.
“I-I just wanted to get-“
“Cough syrup. I know. I’m sorry I didn’t listen.” Yeonjun said. He feel ashamed to feel the pain in his heart. 'How could I feel hurt when I hurt him more?’ Yeonjun thought to himself. And it only pained him more when the weight on his back was too light for his liking. ‘He’s a growing boy. Did he even eat properly? He’s so busy with school and practices, even pushing himself during he night.’ Yeonjun couldn’t help but to wonder.
Beomgyu was out cold after crying, unconscious for the whole time even until they arrived at the dorm. Yeonjun was relieved when he saw Soobin as he entered the dorm. “Hyung? What happened?” Soobin looked at them with wide eyes as he saw Beomgyu on Yeonjun’s back. “Good, you’re awake. Help me out here.” Yeonjun said.
Soobin quickly rushed over to take off Beomgyu’s shoes before running into their shared room to prepare Beomgyu’s bed. Yeonjun gently put Beomgyu down. “Hyung. What happened?” Soobin asked again.
“He called me. And I went out to get him.” Yeonjun answered briefly. “Take care of him, okay?” Yeonjun said, passing the bag of cough syrup to Soobin. Soobin nodded, not going to push Yeonjun for more answer. Taking care of his roommate was more important for now. “Beomgyu-ah, I know you’re tired, can you open your eyes for a while?” Soobin gently coaxed, as he put his palm on Beomgyu’s forehead. “You’ll need meds and get changed. It’ll be more comfortable after that.” Beomgyu slowly opened his eyes as Soobin helped him to sit up. And Yeonjun took it as a cue to leave and went back into his own room. “He’s in better hands now.” Yeonjun mumbled to himself.
As morning came, Yeonjun immediately told the two youngest that Beomgyu wouldn’t be attending school that day. He also didn’t forget to inform the company about that. “You think he’s going to be fine alone?” Yeonjun asked Soobin as the two of them were getting ready to leave the company.
“He should be fine. His temperature has gone down a lot. Just let him sleep it off. I’ve left a note for him as well.” Soobin replied and Yeonjun nodded with a heavy heart.
It was after lunch break, and both Soobin and Yeonjun was coming back to the practice room when they saw Beomgyu again. They were expecting him to be at home resting. But there he was, working on the dance moves in front of the mirror. “Yah! Choi Beomgyu!” Soobin called out and the younger clearly jumped at the sound.
“Hyung!” Beomgyu smiled.
“You dumbass. You should be at home.” Soobin reprimanded.
“I’m bored. And I’m feeling better so I came over.” The bear cub replied sheepishy. “Thank you for last night, hyung.” He continued.
“But Yeonj-“
“Let’s get on with the practice then.” Yeonjun said, cutting Soobin off.
“Don’t push yourself, okay? Stop if you have to.” Soobin reminded Beomgyu. And the boy nodded through his coughs. Yeonjun didn’t like the sound of that.
The practice went on and the two youngest finally arrived after getting back from school. “Beomgyu-hyung? I thought you’re sick.” Huening asked as he saw Beomgyu in the practice room.
“How long have you been sick anyway? Is that why you went home earlier from school that day? Because you’re sick.” Taehyun added.
“It’s nothing too bad.” Beomgyu replied.
Yeonjun felt like an asshole. He remembered every single word he said to Beomgyu. All this time, Beomgyu was trying so hard despite being sick. But Yeonjun was saying those harsh words to him.
“You should’ve looked at yourself in the mirror last night. You really looked like shit.” Soobin said.
Beomgyu pouted. “Hyung, that’s so rude.” He said jokingly.
They continued the practice as five. And as time passed, it was getting hard to ignore the severe coughs from Beomgyu. His face was flushed, but he managed to look pale at the same time. “Let’s take five minutes break.” Yeonjun quickly called out.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Huening asked.
“The cough doesn’t sound good to me.” Taehyun added.
“You need rest, hyung.” Huening said.
Beomgyu slowly nodded. Yeonjun was surprised that the younger didn’t try to talk back. Beomgyu might not talk much to Yeonjun, but he had always been talkative to the others. Seeing him so quiet around the other kids got Yeonjun worried.
“I’ll, um, take a rest at the lounge then. Sorry.” Beomgyu said weakly.
“What are you sorry for. Don’t think about anything else. We’ll wake you up when we’re going home, okay?” Soobin said.
Not even five minutes after Beomgyu left the practice room, Yeonjun rushed out despite the music playing. “Sorry guys, I’ll be right back.” He said as he left. It just came to his mind that Beomgyu might not have eaten for the whole day. So he decided to takeaway some porridge for the boy. “Sorry to rush, can you make it fast?”
The restaurant owner smiled. “Got it, boy. Who’s this for?”
“Uh, my friend. He’s sick.” Yeonjun replied.
“He’s very lucky to have you.” The lady commented.
Yeonjun shook his head. “He deserves more.” He said, only enough for himself to hear.
Yeonjun headed to the artist lounge after that. Since they were going to debut soon, they were allowed to use the space. Yeonjun gently opened the door, but he couldn’t help but to overhear Beomgyu. He was talking to someone on the phone.
“Hey, dad.” Beomgyu said. “Nothing. I’m just calling cus I miss you.” He added, distancing the phone away before coughing. “No, that’s not me. I’m fine. I’m doing well, of course. Everyone’s nice to me.” Beomgyu lied.
He heard Beomgyu taking in a deep, shaky breath, before saying “Dad, what if… I’m just saying ‘what if’, okay? What if I quit this and go home?” Beomgyu asked, almost in a whisper. Yeonjun could see Beomgyu fidgeting with his shirt as he listened to his father’s reply. Yeonjun couldn’t hear what his father was saying, but Beomgyu’s eyes were teary.
“H-hey! I’m just saying what if. Why are you crying?” Beomgyu said. “No, I’m not having a hard time. I’m doing well, I promise,” he said as he wiped a stray tear from his face. “I’m just saying this cus I miss home. I’m fine, I swear.” Beomgyu said, desperately trying to control his voice not to sound shaky, but failing miserably.
“I know. I know I’ll always have you. I, uh, gotta go now. Pratice. Yeah. Bye, dad. I love you. Tell mom and hyung I miss them.” Beomgyu said in a hurry to cut off the call, before letting his tears fall freely. He was bawling. As if the sadness in the whole world was seeping out of the small body. It was probably going to make him even more sick. But Yeonjun couldn’t find any words or any courage to go near and comfort the younger. He quietly stood by the door, looking at the small shaking shoulders. He could swear his heart broke a little with every hitch of breath as Beomgyu cried.
Yeonjun just stood there, leaning against the door, looking away from Beomgyu. He stayed there until the cries stopped and turned into soft breaths as Beomgyu fell asleep from exhaustion. Yeonjun left, after hanging the takeaway on the doorknob, with a sticky note with the name ‘Choi Beomgyu’ written on.
Yeonjun returned for practice with the team after that. It wasn’t until one of them checking their phone that they found out Beomgyu left the company building on his own. “He went home?” Soobin asked upon hearing the news from Huening.
Huening nodded, before saying, “Yeah, more than half an hour ago. He also said thanks for the food?” Huening looked at the members, trying to figure out who bought food for Beomgyu.
“You bought it for him, didn’t you?” Taehyun asked, looking at their eldest.
Yeonjun didn’t deny, he was more interested in checking his phone for the group chat. Just like Huening said, Beomgyu did leave some messages.
‘sorry. i’ll be going back first’
‘saw the food for me. not sure who got it for me, but thanks <3’
“Yeonjun-hyung, stop frowning. You’re going to get wrinkles.” Taehyun said.
Soobin chuckled at the comment. “Hyung, if you’re worried about him, just go home.”
“Yeah, you’re the best we have in the company. You can slack off a little, you know.” Huening reasoned.
“He’ll be fine.” Yeonjun said. “Right?” He added, looking up at the members.
Taehyun smiled. “Just go, hyung.” Knowing that the eldest was trying to look uncaring but failing miserably.
“I’ll be right back after making sure he’s fine.” Yeonjun said as he quickly grabbed his back and headed towards the exit. He ran home as fast as he could. And when he got back, he saw a mess on the kitchen counter. It was the porridge he bought; half scattered like someone knocked it over in a rush. “Beomgyu?” He called out. He was about to head towards Beomgyu’s bedroom, but then he heard some harsh coughs followed by the sound of retching coming from the bathroom. And then he saw the younger, pale, no, almost grey, next to the toilet, breathing heavily with a chorus of coughs. Yeonjun winced. “Beomgyu-ah. I don’t like the sound of that cough.”
Beomgyu cracked his eyes open at the sound of Yeonjun. “I’m sorry, hyung. I’ll keep it down.”
Yeonjun bit his lip. “That’s not what I meant.” Honestly, Yeonjun wanted to cry. It felt like he had messed up, big time. What had he done, how did he turn both of them into this. Beomgyu was the new kid, he was the eldest. He was supposed to be someone for Beomgyu to lean on. “Did, did you throw up? Have you taken the meds?” Yeonjun asked, slowly reaching out for Beomgyu.
“Threw up before even taking the meds. I-I’ll take them later.” Beomgyu said in between coughs. He then slowly got up on his feet. Yeonjun could see him swaying as he walked. He wanted to help, but at the same time, it felt like the younger would break at his touch. Yeonjun couldn’t help but think that he was the last person Beomgyu would have wanted by his side. He should’ve asked the other members to come home. Not him. He could only hurt the younger more.
All Yeonjun could do was stupidly following Beomgyu behind as the younger cleaned up the mess in the kitchen. Yeonjun silently prepared the meds and water, following the younger again as Beomgyu walked into the room. “Take these. And get some sleep.” Yeonjun said, trying to be as gentle as he could. He could see the younger hesitating at the sight of the meds. “You want to get better, don’t you?”
Beomgyu nodded, silently taking the meds and the water, before tucking himself into bed. Yeonjun stepped out of the room, sitting on the couch at the living room, so that he could be there if Beomgyu needed anything. Only a few minutes had passed before he saw Beomgyu rushing out of his bedroom towards the kitchen sink. Throwing up all the meds and the little drink he had earlier. And then it hit Yeonjun, why the younger was hesitating. The poor boy couldn’t keep anything down in his system. “You should’ve told me. I wouldn’t have made you take those.” Yeonjun said, slightly panicking. He had never seen someone this sick before. “Please don’t be mad, hyung.” Beomgyu said.
Amidst of his own internal panic, Yeonjun looked at the younger.
“Hyung, can you hate me less?” He asked as he looked down, staring at the floor because he couldn’t bring himself to look at the elder in his eyes.
“I don’t hate you.” Yeonjun replied. It sounded like a lie, but it was the truth. Maybe all this time, the one Yeonjun hated the most was him himself.
“I don’t hate you.” Yeonjun repeated. “Beomgyu, look at me. I don’t hate you.” Yeonjun said, desperately needing to fix all of this.
“Hyung, I’ll be better. I won’t be a bother. I promise.” Beomgyu said, slurring. Like he was having a hard time staying awake. Yeonjun immediately walked closer, to hold onto the younger to make sure he wouldn’t fall.
“So don’t hate me that much.” Beomgyu said as he leaned his forehead onto Yeonjun’s shoulder. And then it was like all the strength left the little body, Beomgyu fell into Yeonjun’s arms, unconscious. “Fuck. Gyu, come on. You gotta wake up.” Yeonjun said as he tried to shake the younger awake. The boy was too hot. So much hotter than that day when he had to carried him home on his back. ‘Come on, Yeonjun. It’s no time to cry. You gotta fix this.’ Yeonjun mentally said to himself as he wiped away his tears. He quickly scooped Beomgyu up into his arms. “Hyung’s gonna fix this. You’re gonna be all better, okay? Hyung promise.”
With Beomgyu in his arms, Yeonjun took the taxi to the ER near their dorm. And to his luck, the ER was full and hectic. He was told to wait. “Can someone please look at him fast? He’s really sick.” Yeonjun said to no one in particular, only hoping that someone could quickly assist them. “Hyung…” Beomgyu rasped. He was slipping in and out of consciousness. “They’re gonna help you soon, Gyu. It’s gonna be fine.” Yeonjun didn’t know if he was trying to assure Beomgyu or himself. “I’m cold.”
Yeonjun pulled the younger closer, rubbing the younger’s arms to provide heat. But the boy was shaking so hard. “I’m still cold. It hurts so much.” The younger whimpered. And Yeonjun quickly pulled the boy into a hug, rubbing his back over and over. “It’s gonna be okay.” Yeonjun repeated.
Yeonjun couldn’t remember how long they waited. But it felt like an eternity until they moved Beomgyu onto a bed. The doctor had fluids into Beomgyu. And it hurt Yeonjun when he heard Beomgyu whimpered as the nurse pushed the needle into the younger’s vein.
“His fever is quite high and you mentioned that he couldn’t keep anything down, so we’ll keep him on monitor here. However, he should be better after this.” The doctor said. Yeonjun nodded. “You guys are trainees, aren’t you?” The doctor asked and Yeonjun nodded in affirmation.
The doctor smiled gently. “I saw him a couple of times. At a young age, he sure is as busy as me. I thought we doctors are going home late enough, turns out you kids are also working hard.” She sighed, pitying the boy on the bed.
“Ah, don’t worry though. Just make sure he gets plenty of rest. It’s stress fever. The best medicine would be having lots of rest. Make sure I don’t see him again when I’m working overtime. He should be able to go home after this bag of fluid, but we’ll have a look at him again before discharging him.” The doctor reassured as she saw the worried face Yeonjun was making.
“You take care of yourself too, boy.” She said before attending the next patient in the ER.
Yeonjun sighed. It was probably his fault that Beomgyu got himself that sick. He gently brushed his hand through Beomgyu’s soft locks. “I’m sorry for hurting you.” Yeonjun said in a whisper.
Yeonjun was startled awake at the sound of his phone ringtone. The caller id on screen showing it was from Soobin. In the panic, he had forgotten to inform the other kids. Not wanting to disturb Beomgyu, he distanced himself to a corner before picking up the phone call. “Hyung! Where did you go? Where’s gyu?” Soobin rambled before Yeonjun even got the chance to speak. “The ER.” Yeonjun replied.
“The what?!” Soobin basically yelled into the phone.
“Geez, you’re gonna burst my eardrum.” Yeonjun mumbled. “Beomgyu, he’s too sick. So I brought him here. Speaking of that, I’m gonna check on him again. I’ll give you updates.” Yeonjun continued.
“Do you need us to go there?” Soobin asked.
Yeonjun hesitated. Maybe it would be better if they were with Beomgyu instead of him. “Maybe just one of you three. The ER wouldn’t allow too many people here. Only one guardian per patient.” Yeonjun replied.
“Oh. Then are you sure you need us? I mean, since you’re already there, you could just stay with him?” Soobin said.
“I-I’m not sure.” Yeonjun mumbled.
“You know what, hyung? Go check up on him again. And if you really need to switch with one of us, let me know.” Soobin said. And with that, they hung up the call. Yeonjun was heading back to Beomgyu when he saw the boy sitting up on his bed, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. Yeonjun’s eyes widened at the sight. “Beomgyu! What’s wrong? Are you hurt anywhere?" Yeonjun said in panic, sitting down right next to the younger immediately, trying to find out where the boy was hurting.
And what he didn’t expect was the Beomgyu grabbing his shirt to pull Yeonjun closer to him. “Beomgyu-yah, you need to tell me where it hurts so hyung can help. Or do you need me to call the doctor?” Yeonjun was about to stand up again but the boy immediately pulled him back down. The little bear cub shook his head. “Don’t go, hyung.” The boy rasped.
Yeonjun slowly patted the boy’s back to calm him down. “I’m not going anywhere. Stop crying, you’re gonna make yourself sicker again.” Yeonjun said, slowly pulling away to look at Beomgyu, gently wiping the tears away. “You have to tell me what’s wrong, baby.”
Beomgyu shook his head again. “I-I woke up. And there’s no one. I thought I’m alone.” Beomgyu gulped. “I thought no one is coming for me.”
‘No one is coming for him’ Yeonjun remembered those words from days ago at the pharmacy.
“I’m here. I’m here for you now. You’ll always have someone. I’ll be wherever you need me to.” Yeonjun said.
Beomgyu finally looked at Yeonjun in his eyes. “You don’t hate me?”
Yeonjun shook his head. “You’ll always have me.”
-----
Yeonjun ended up staying with Beomgyu until they were told that the younger was allowed to be discharged. And the whole time they were together, Beomgyu was clinging onto Yeonjun like his life depended on it. His fingers were clutching onto Yeonjun’s jacket the whole time and even now that they were in the taxi on the way back to their shared dorm, Beomgyu still had his hands tugging Yeonjun’s jacket as he was snoring softly with his head resting on Yeonjun’s shoulder. Yeonjun couldn’t believe he hurt someone as soft as Beomgyu. It was like kicking a puppy.
“Beomgyu-yah, wake up. We’re home.” Yeonjun gently cooed.
Beomgyu rubbed his eyes as he woke up. “We’re home?” the boy mumbled.
Yeonjun nodded and gently helped Beomgyu sit up properly. The younger was still a little warm to the touch, but he was much better than before. As they reached their shared dorm, the three other members quickly ran up to Beomgyu. The three of them was so busy surrounding Beomgyu with questions and hugs, that the younger let go of his grip on Yeonjun’s jacket. Yeonjun only stood in a distance, looking at Beomgyu’s soft smile with the members.
“We’ve ordered some soup. Go have some and then get some rest.” Soobin said, ruffling Beomgyu’s hair. Yeonjun was about to head back into his room when he felt the familiar tug on his jacket again. “Y-Yeonjun-hyung.” Beomgyu called out to him with the biggest puppy eyes ever. “You, uh, haven’t explained to me about the meds I need to take.” Beomgyu said. “You haven’t had your dinner as well.” The younger continued.
“Let’s all just have dinner together!” Taehyun suggested, knowing that Beomgyu was trying to have Yeonjun to stay.
Yeonjun smiled. “Yeah, sure.”
The five of them sat together to enjoy their dinner, while every single one of them fussing about Beomgyu’s condition. Yeonjun let all of them know about the kind of meds and dosages Beomgyu needed to take. Also letting them know that Beomgyu would need to have at least three days of complete rest in order not to stress himself any further and to properly recover. After having dinner, Beomgyu excused himself to take a shower to freshen himself since he was probably sweating all over himself earlier.
“I guess everything’s going to be better know.” Soobin said out of the blue.
“Uh, yeah, I guess. The doctor said it’s stress fever. He should be fine after some complete rest.” Yeonjun replied.
Soobin shook his head, smiling. “No, I mean you and Gyu. Seems like everything’s clear now?”
Yeonjun smiled sadly. “I hope so. I haven’t even properly apologized to him. What if he suddenly realized I’m an asshole and start hating me?”
Soobin chuckled. “Don’t worry, hyung. Hating you is the last thing Beomgyu could do. He looks up to you so much. You’re basically his idol.”
“Wow, that only makes me feel even shittier.” Yeonjun sighed.
And before they could continue talking, Beomgyu popped out after the shower. His hair still wet and dripping. Like a puppy caught in the rain. “Yeonjun-hyung. I’m done. You can shower next.” Beomgyu said.
Yeonjun frowned and quickly took a towel to dry Beomgyu’s hair. “You’re still sick, you need to dry your hair properly.” Yeonjun fussed and the other members smiled at the sight. It finally felt like they were a proper team now. Yeonjun walked Beomgyu into his own room, trying to get his own hairdryer for Beomgyu. He had Beomgyu sat on his bed as he looking for the hairdryer. “Yeonjun-hyung. It’s fine, it’ll dry soon after a while. It’s summer after all.” Beomgyu said.
“No. Just- just let me take care of you, okay? It’ll make me feel better about myself.” Yeonjun muttered.
“You’ve taken care of me for almost half a day.” Beomgyu said.
“But I hurt you a lot. I-I even got you this sick.”
“What? How could you make me sick? I got sick myself.” Beomgyu replied.
“Surely you haven’t forgotten about those harsh words I said to you?” Yeonjun looked at Beomgyu, sighing. “I overheard your conversation with the other trainees, and I assumed things about you. I never once tried to believe in you and I even got mad at you when you’re sick. You’re working so hard and all I did was giving you more pressure.”
“Yeah, maybe it hurt a bit.” Beomgyu smiled. “But it’s not fully on you, you know? What you said to me, they’re not wrong. What I have now, it’s something that others spend years for. And I got it. At some point, this became a burden. Because I couldn’t see what makes me better than them. I feel like I don’t deserve this. I was the one pushing myself to be better. To prove that I deserve this position.” The younger continued. “And looking at you, hyung, only adds up to my insecurity. Because it feels like I’ll never be like you.”
Yeonjun gulped. “Funny, because I was insecure looking at you.”
Beomgyu tilted his head, “What? But why?”
“I don’t think I’ve really hated you at all, Beomgyu. I think I hate myself because I feel so lacking compared to you. I guess, I’m insecure as well.” Yeonjun shrugged. “You get along well with the others easily, and though you might not believe what I say, you really have the talent and potential for this. That’s why you’re here now. It took me four years to build the skills. But you, you had it in you. And it makes me jealous at you.”
Beomgyu chuckled. “So we’re just blinded by our own insecurities.”
Yeonjun smiled. “I guess so.”
“Listen Beomgyu, I’m sorry.” Yeonjun said. The younger nodded. “It’s okay, you’re here now. I’ll always have you.” Beomgyu said. “Right?”
Yeonjun nodded. “Yeah, you’ll always have me.”