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Life begins with a typical Saturday morning for Dobie Gillis. Instead of doing his homework, he instead sits on the same marble seat in front of the same familiar statue, with his typical "thinking face". He notices you and I watching him. Oblivious to the creepiness of the situation, he begins speaking to you, the audience.
"... Oh, hi. My name is Dobie Gillis, and I'm in love wi-..." His voice trails off, unsure how to finish the sentence.
"Well, let me back up. All my life I've been in love with girls. Now I'm not picky mind you, I like tall girls, short girls, big, small, butch, femme, any girl in the world!"
He says, as he forgets entirely about Zelda.
"And I've been in love with girls since the beginning! Well... maybe since I was 10", Dobie winces slightly and resumes speaking. "But, I think I've made my case loud and clear. This guy likes chicks! But lately I've been thinking ab-"
Suddenly, a familiar voice, or rather humming, enters Dobie's ears. A melody he knows all too well, the quiet, muffled lyrics of a Cab Calloway tune, followed closely with snapping. Maynard.
Maynard almost walked right past Dobie before he took his earbuds out. "Oh, good to see ya Dobe!", Maynard said in his cheerful tone, "Man, I haven't seen ya in, like, forever! I thought you were doin' that project for Mr. Milfloss?"
"Correction Maynard, it's been about eight hours, and, um, I..." Dobie's voice began to trail off. How Dobie wished he stayed inside today. But this conversation would have happened at some point regardless.
"Oh it's cool if you haven't started", he chuckled, "Like I don't even know what I'm gonna do for it", Maynard attempted to stifle out another chuckle but paused as he observed Dobie's face and body language. It was clear that Dobie was trying to block Maynard out, or at least try to disappear from the idle chatter. It was extremely obvious there was something bother Dobie. He's not one to mask his anxiety. Maynard shifted to a more concerned attitude.
"Hey, is everything okay man? Need to talk?"
Dobie was using all his strength to not start immediately crying. He maintained some composure.
"Uh... yeah Maynard. I do actually. I want to, er, sit and talk, like with you, about... stuff and like that"
Dobie fidgeted with his hands nervously. He really didn't want to talk to Maynard about this. But Maynard's genuine look of concern and care just ever so slightly changed his mind.
They both go to sit on the marble seat, only being just big enough to hold them both comfortably. They've always been physically close, but this situation (at least in Dobie's opinion) was not helping matters.
While Dobie tried to find the words, they both sat in silence. The tension was inhumanly extreme. Cutting the tension would require a chainsaw. Those mere five seconds felt like five hours. Dobie decided to bite the bullet just to get the agony over with. This is just a nightmare, he thought, I'll say it, then I'll wake up.
"So... Mayn-"
"I LIKE YOU DOBIE! LIKE A LOT!"
Maynard punctuated the exclamation with a long, deep sigh. "I couldn't take it man, the tension was givin' me acid reflux."
Dobie would have pissed himself if given the option. "WH- HUH??"
"Yeah, like, I'm sorry Dobe. I know chicks are your thing, but that's been weighin' down my soul for, like, ever. What were you gonna say?"
Of course, Maynard was entirely unaware of Dobie sitting wide-eyed and sweaty with a hand over his mouth, his pale face suddenly darkening to a nice crimson shade. "I uh... something like that uh... yeah. Yes I like you too."
They stared at each other for a moment, though not nearly as previously intense. Both blushing, with Maynard sporting a dopey grin. They both begin laughing over the, frankly insane, events of this fine October morning. Dobie controls himself to interject.
"I-I can't believe I, that I worked myself up for nothing! I thought you were gonna ditch me or something."
"I would never do that to ya, Dobe! Even if I wasn't, like, slay or whatever."
"Maynard, that's gay."
"Yeah we both are. Coupla' doofuses, too."
Dobie unsuccessfully tried to suppress a laugh. And I didn't even have to say it!
"Say, Maynard, now that we're like 'closer' um... whatcha wanna do today?"
"I don't know. You're, like, the romance guy. I was on my way to Scarpitta's for some breakfast. A man gotta EAT. Confessing secret crushes really makes a dude crave some
of Mr. Scarpitta's pancakes."
"So true bestie. Though my heart's set on some bacon and eggs."
...
Maynard chucked. "I love ya, man."
Dobie nearly keeled over from elation. "Love you too, Maynard."