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When did it start?
Ritsu didn’t have an answer. This sudden sadness, this feeling of being suffocated each time he breathes, it was all unbearable and hard to keep on living with. Why creating human-beings to make them suffer? Isn’t it unfair of you, God? Ritsu asked while walking down the road, laughing a little at how ridiculous his thoughts were.
It was currently 2:32am, rain pouring down to caress each one of Ritsu’s visible body parts and its sound ringing in his ears like a melody to soothe and calm the overwhelming feelings he was currently enveloped by, to show him that somewhat, somehow, he was not alone.
Alone. This word, in Ritsu’s dictionary, could be described as a human-being’s biggest nightmare. Who liked being alone? It was sad and dark, bringing nothing but bad feelings. And yet, the younger Sakuma found comfort in this loneliness, coming back to it each time he felt down. He felt it for the first time when his older brother left him alone in their huge mansion, years ago. Being left behind by the only person you ever trusted and relied on, one day, with no warnings. What a pitiful event. Onii-chan, why? Was all young Ritsu used to ask and as always, get no answer, said person not being with him anymore to give him proper response. Did you come to get tired of taking care of me, too? Just like Mom and Dad? Is it too much being with me? Does it take lots of efforts and energy? Am I that much of a burden? Despite being surrounded by his classmates, despite spending the entire days with them, the hard, lonely nights always found theirselves back to the black haired man, since that was the only time he felt fully awake and could really feel alive. Even so, he wasn't complaining much about his brother leaving him behind, because he found his person (or so, that’s what he thinks), Mao Isara.
Ah, Maa-kun. Ritsu thought, he could go days and days talking about his childhood friend, it would never end. God knows how much this boy helped Ritsu throughout his life. Mao was Ritsu’s first friend. The one, who surprisingly, came to talk to Ritsu the day Rei left. “Did Onii-chan send you to keep me company while he is away?’’ Ritsu asked, a few minutes after chatting with the red haired child. Mao tilted his head to the side with furrowed brows at Ritsu’s question, not having a clue of who this Onii-chan was. “No, I saw you seating here alone. You seemed sad, so I thought maybe you needed someone to play with!’’ Always so thoughtful, while I’m always so pitiful the older Ritsu thought while remembering their first day spent together. Who thought, this interaction would lead them to their current relationship? After years of being friends, two years ago, Mao decided to stop lying to himself and try to build more than just a friendship with his best friend. The vampire, who fell in love the first time his red eyes met his partner’s green eyes, was more than happy at his lover’s confession and immediately confessed back. This memory was forever engraved in his mind, the first time he felt happiness hit all of him, the first time he felt his heart beats for real. What happened to that happiness now? Where did it go? Did it even exist, actually, if it faded away this fast?
His phone ringed in his pocket again, but he didn’t bother answering, his cheeks now wet. Was it the rain, his tears? Ritsu couldn’t tell, was he even crying? Who knows, it doesn’t really matter anyway, no one would wipe them away in the end. Maybe Maa-kun would if he saw me, is what he wanted to believe, but voices, those damn voices that would always annoy and belittle him told him otherwise, of course. He would just pity you, he doesn’t really care about you. He just wanted someone to take care of, so he feels important and loved. He’s just using you, just like everyone, just like knights too.
Knights, his precious unit he always cherished, always loved and adored being a part of. Why are they bringing them up? Wasn’t it about Maa-kun? But the voices were unpredictable, always finding ways to remind Ritsu how useless he was. Knights were like a comfort to him, people who were always ready to fight alongside him, who considered him as their equal. But Ritsu was nothing but a burden. Always falling asleep, collapsing and not being able to keep up due to his weak body, and the way he felt when the sun was out. Ah, of course I don’t belong with them, he remembered, the sun doesn’t like me, leaving me in the moon’s hand. It could be a good thing, after all, the moon was as beautiful as ever. Staring at it for hours when it’s just them both past midnight, was one of Ritsu’s favorite things in the world to do. But it’s not what he wanted. He wanted to be with his untimates at noon, when the huge ball of light shines at its brightest. Dancing and singing with full energy, teasing Succhan until he starts insulting him in English and then finding himself baking him sweets to ask for the younger boy’s forgiveness, shopping with Nacchan until his legs feel sore from walking around the mall for hours, adding more fuel to the fire during Tsukippi and Secchan’s old married couple’s arguments until he starts getting scolded by Izumi for doing so. But instead, all he did was sleep and complain.
Sleep is what Ritsu finds the most comfort in, after all, that’s all he can do, even if he didn’t want to. How funny, my own body dislikes me, my own body doesn’t let me enjoy life and youth to its fullest. Despite being hurt by that thought, he couldn’t help but agree to it. Who would like him anyway? No one. They will all eventually get tired of you, if they aren’t already. What do they gain from taking care of a living corpse like you? They get nothing in return, nothing from you. Remember that one time you could’ve helped Leo and Izumi? What did you do? Nothing, you listened and hid, not moving a single inch to avoid the chaos and heir huge fight. Right. Ritsu could have helped Leo, and yet, his body didn’t move, his mouth didn’t say anything, and his brain even regretted being there and having to listen to these loud voices against his will. Your existence brings nothing. You’re a good for nothing, even your precious Maa-kun implied it.
Actually, the reason why Ritsu was outside at such a late hour is simple. He got into a fight with his beloved that didn’t end well. “Can’t you be useful for once and do stuffs yourself? Can’t you see that I’m busy? You could be such a pain sometimes.’’ Were the last words Ritsu heard from Mao before leaving their shared apartment, obviously crushed by those words. You see Ritsu, all the reassurance he gave you regarding how you feel about yourself was nothing but empty words. He said it himself, you are a pain. Truth always hurt, huh?
“Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!’’ Was all that was coming out of Ritsu’s bloody mouth after bitting his lips hard to keep himself from sobbing. He wanted those voices to stop talking, the world to go quiet and the pain to leave him for once. I’m tired, I can’t do this anymore, someone please, get me out of this living hell. Ritsu pleaded in his mind, not wanting to ask for help anymore. If so, why was he even trying? Ridiculous. What did he do to deserve such a life where his parents would leave the moment they knew of his physical conditions? Where his own older brother left him on his own with the sadness he constantly felt? Where his closest friends would sometimes sigh at the thought of helping him once again? Where even his beloved thinks of him as a burden?
“I never asked to be born like this!’’ Ritsu shouted, in the middle of the empty road, falling on his knees and crying. He couldn’t breathe anymore, all he could do is let those tears out and yell at the world for giving him such an awful life. “All I wanted was to have a normal life. I’m sorry Maa-kun for being such a coward, for forcing you to be by my side. You won’t have to anymore. Thank you, thank you for everything. I will love you forever and watch over you, always, I pro-”
Boom. Everything surrounding Ritsu was now white, no more sounds, nothing. I didn’t get to finish my goodbyes, what a pain.
While he was murmuring those words to his lover, Ritsu didn’t see a truck coming his way, didn’t hear the deafening horns going off, it ended up hitting him without letting him say everything he had to say. But what he didn’t know, was that the said lover saw everything.
Mao, after saying those words to Ritsu, regretted it immediately. He never meant them, he never wanted to say them. Mao loved taking care of Ritsu, Mao truly loved Ritsu, from the bottom of his heart. Today was so emotionally draining that he ended up letting all his feelings out on his boyfriend. Little did he know they were Ritsu’s last reason, but mostly, the last words he heard from him. Around 10 minutes after saying those words, he went out, running everywhere around trying to look for Ritsu, desperately calling him but getting no answer, until he found him, on the ground, a truck coming his way.
“Ritsu!’’ Mao shouted, trying to get Ritsu’s attention and more importantly, wanting him to get up and run. But he failed. He was now, mouth wide open, in shock, staring at his lover’s blooded body. A body that lost its warmth, life and soul. A body that was now nothing, Mao ran and hugged it against him, pleading whatever god existed to give him his Ritchan back. But he was long gone, a now cold heart not beating anymore being pressed against a warm, forever heartbroken one.