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Love was all around him, and people offered it to him freely.
And yet, Gray avoided it like a plague.
Because love all ever did was hurt him after, leaving him broken to pieces. They were too many pieces of his entire being scattered after every heartbreak but he managed to assemble them together. And although he thought his work was an ugly piece of trash with no worth and ready to be tossed in the garbage, he carried on everyday. He made sure that the glue held together, and no cracks would cause anymore breakage.
It was hard to be seven year old Gray. It was traumatizing to witness his hometown destroyed by a demon. It was tormenting to bury his own parents at his age. It was heartbreaking to think that they couldn't watch him grow as a young man fulfilling his dreams. It was agonizing watching his teacher sacrifice herself for him as a final act of kindness. It was too much, too much for a child.
Gray always wondered if he angered the gods to be receiving this type of punishment. He’s not the best boy in the world and he knew that, but why would they give him a curse like this?
He always treated it as a curse. Loving him was a curse. It caused only tears, pain and death.
And so, Gray Fullbuster tried to push people away.
Because loving him was dangerous, loving him was a threat to their life.
But it was like destiny played tricks on him because he ended up in Fairy Tail. Fairy Tail, a guild full of crazy people but would consider you family and would love you as soon as you bear their crest. Even with the rivalry and scolding and the fighting, the people there treated him like family. Gray could always feel they cared and love him in their own bizarre ways.
Just as close as he was with some of his guildmates, he always tried to put a wall between them. Made sure they saw a side of him who was strong, cool and never afraid to stare death in the face. Gray almost always worked alone, so they couldn’t see his fears, his weaknesses, his tears.
On an accidental S-class mission, they saw it all one day, and he was afraid of their judgment of his character, of what he hid behind his mask. And all they gave him was comfort and support and just asked him not to die. The warmth seeped through the cracks of his being, and it felt nice.
But he still held back.
Gray was fine with the coldness of his heart, so he did what he does best.
He welcomed the comfort, but the facade stayed. And only his closest friends knew what lies behind the mask. And they left him be, while quietly supporting him.
Gray knew some of his guildmates knew of his issues, but they never said anything and left him be.
And only one didn’t.
Meeting Juvia that day was not something out of the ordinary.
She was, after all, an enemy when they crossed paths and Gray thought that it would be a one time thing. Back then, it felt like they were ready to kill each other, when push becomes shove. But when he saw her falling down and didn’t fight death, she reminded him of himself. How he was ready to die to save his friends without a care about how they would feel afterwards. And he thought she was stupid for doing that. Didn’t she have family and friends who would grieve over her?
So he did what he had to do– he saved her.
And boy, was it a start of changing his life towards a new direction.
Gray thought Juvia was weird. Always giving him praises and telling everyone how much she loved him and wanted to be with him when she barely knew him. He kept asking himself why. Gray was nothing special. He’s an asshole, he’s not interesting, he’s weak. Just like his name, Gray thought of himself as dull.
So why? Why was this woman so into him when he’s nothing but trash?
It annoyed him that he couldn’t find the answer to that one. Her advances were direct and brave that he kept dodging all the affections Juvia tried to give to him. It puzzled him all the time and yet, the warm, fuzzy feeling came back whenever she did all those things.
It felt good. So good, that Gray wanted to savor it everyday all for himself but never giving any in return.
He still held back.
And Gray did what he knew was right.
He pushed her love away.
Because loving him was a curse no one could win against.
###
It definitely didn’t stop Juvia from loving Gray.
Right now, it terrified him that his curse would come and get her so he always had his guard up.
###
He still didn’t know what she saw in him.
A lot of people told him he was handsome. Was that all she ever saw? Surely, she’d be turned off by now, with how rude he brushed her fantasies off. So, what was it?
It was still a mystery to him.
###
There was almost a way out of the curse for her when she told him about killing the necromancer who controlled his father. Juvia told him she’s ready to walk away from him, ready to forget about loving him if he deemed her deeds unforgivable.
Gray could save her from the curse, this was his opportunity.
But he didn’t.
That day, burying his father for the second time, Gray was completely vulnerable. And he needed to feel something other than his grief, other than the pain that was eating him alive.
He openly sobbed on her chest, thanking her for making his father finally be at peace. Thanking her for being there for him. Gray left town alone and he knew he needed support from his friends, but this funeral was for himself to deal with and he didn’t want to drag them here.
He still didn’t understand why she loved him so much, but Gray was thankful Juvia always offered him warmth when his heart was ready to break from the cold.
###
“Why do you love me so much?” Gray’s tongue was loose that night as he drank his third bottle of beer after their dinner.
They’ve been living under one roof for the past six months. Maybe it was the jitters, maybe it was the alcohol, but he wanted to know the answer straight from her mouth right then and there.
Juvia looked at him, eyebrows furrowed with confusion. She took a swig of her own bottle. “I love you because I love you.” She paused and leaned on the sofa back then stared at him. “Does Juvia need reasons?”
“Yes you do.”
She turned her body to face him and smiled. “Gray-sama really wants to know?”
“Uh huh.” He sipped the last drops of his drink. He took a deep breath. Why was he nervous to hear it? He had been wanting to know what she saw in him since the start of her declarations of love!
There was silence in the living room as he waited for her answer.
“Well, Juvia thinks you’re a wonderful person. Brave, loyal and caring. Ready to protect his friends. Strong-willed. Helpful. A Fighter. Don’t give me that look, Gray-sama. It’s all true.”
He scoffed. “I’m nothing like that, Juvia.”
“Oh yeah?” She challenged him. “You are brave for facing strong enemies. You saved Lucy, Erza and Juvia at some point. You always try to find a way to help others. You still get up and fight, even if you already ran out of steam.”
Gray gave her a puzzled look and wondered if the man he described was the same man as him. She continued to speak, and her next words stunned him.
“You’re so helpful and caring even with people you don’t know. You saved Juvia from falling, and it’s because of that that Juvia saw the sun for the first time.
“Juvia doesn’t know why you would save an enemy, but it was thanks to that, Juvia has finally seen the beauty of the clear, blue sky. So don’t you dare tell Juvia you’re nothing like that because you are!”
By the time she finished talking, Gray was beet red. He turned even redder when she added some more reasons.
“Plus, it didn’t hurt that you are very handsome, even with the scowl on your face.” She giggled.
“Juvia!”
“What? Gray-sama asked!”
Juvia’s warmth continued to seep through and Gray didn’t know when it started, but he felt at ease with her love. Amidst their banters that night, Gray wanted to kiss her forehead as appreciation for being there with him.
But he held back.
Because tomorrow, he had to go on a mission
. Without her. It’s like the cold returned to attack his heart again.
###
Juvia still welcomed him back with her arms wide open, despite leaving her alone for months. He thought he got to the part where he successfully pushed her love away, but it just brought him guilt.
“I’m sorry.” He muttered again, back at their cottage, cleaning up and getting ready to leave the place.
Juvia gazed outside the window, staring at the small garden where the plants drowned in too much water. She bit her cheek.
“Juvia already told you it’s okay, Gray-sama.” She straightened her posture and faced him. “You’re under no obligation to stay with me.”
She smiled but her eyes were glassy. The pieces of his heart glued together felt like breaking.
Juvia really loved him that much to say that. She’s so selfless to forgive him like that after putting her in so much misery.
“I’m… sorry.” He sounded lame from all the apologies. Gray didn’t know what else to say.
She reached out and tapped his back. “We can continue cleaning in the morning before leaving. Tonight, let us rest. Gray-sama must be tired after all those months of undercover.”
After all the months he left her alone, it was still him as her top priority.
She opened the door to his then bedroom and placed her warm hand on his cheek. “Good night, Gray-sama.” She pulled back just as quickly. He missed the touch.
Her touch.
He wanted more of her warm touches. They felt nice and comforting, just like his mother’s hugs from the way he remembered.
And as Gray lay in bed that night, he decided he’s done holding back.
He just needed to accomplish other things before anything else.
###
Just as he made a clear-cut resolve, the curse, his curse haunted him again. His curse, the one he tried to avoid by pushing people’s love away, found its path to Juvia, ready to collect her young life. Ready to laugh at his face again. Ready to tell him, ‘You can’t be happy in your lifetime, boy, you will never be!’
These people, he swore to the gods, why were these people willing to sacrifice themselves for him? He’s only Gray. He’s nothing special. No one should die saving him because he’s just garbage. He was not worth it.
In his screams of anguish as he held her lifeless body, Gray knew that if he survived this war, he would not let warmth seep through his heart anymore.
Because the warmth he craved everyday lay on the ground in a pool of blood.
He didn’t want to hold back anymore, but it was too late for him again.
###
He thought that it was only a dream. That it was a figment of his imagination that Juvia was alive. But there she was beside him, breathing steady and wounds healed.
Gray teared up while watching her rest. Was his curse finally lifted? Did Juvia fight death to the ground not to leave him alone in a world of despair?
He held her hand gently and pressed her palm on his cheek. It wasn’t cold like earlier when he cradled her in the warzone. Instead, it was warm, like how it’s supposed to be. Like how it felt like every time she hugged him, every time they intertwined fingers, every time they were so close to one another.
In these quiet moments when it’s only the two of them, Gray pondered that with Juvia here, life was a lot more worth living.
He still didn’t understand why they wanted to sacrifice themselves for someone like him. He still thought they’re wasting their lives so that he could carry on. But as long as they’re alive and okay and together, they could drill the reasons in his head for as long as they want.
That didn’t matter right now. Right now, the most important thing was that Juvia’s alive. He’s afraid that maybe his curse still lingered around him, planning its next move, its next target. But if Juvia faced it like the strong woman that she was, Gray was willing to fight it with everything he's got.
Because there’s already a reason for not holding back.
###
The warmth engulfed his entire being as he stared at Juvia looking up at him. His face heated up as he stared at her. For a moment, Gray got lost in her pretty, pretty eyes.
“My body is?”
He gulped as he racked his brain for words to say.
You should take care of your body more!
Your body is different from mine, don’t strip in front of other people!
You’ll catch a cold if you keep on losing your layers like that!
There were a lot of alternatives he wanted to say to divert the subject. But it was as if his mind whispered something important to him, one thing that he should always remember.
You’re done holding back, right?
“Mine..."
Before Gray looked away from embarrassment, his gaze fell on her again, and he had to catch another breath and steady his loudly beating heart.
Juvia’s smile lit up the surroundings.
He still felt undeserving of her love, so he promised himself that he had to be better.
He had to be great enough for her love.
Gray smiled as he extended his hand to help her get up. He found his new resolve.
No more holding back this time.