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Even at eleven years old you knew James Potter was going to be an important person in your life. Of course back then you were only young, you didn’t know what lay ahead during your seven years at Hogwarts but you knew there was something about James Potter, something about the confident eleven year old who took one look at the scared muggle born girl on her own and immediately ushered her into his cart and walked next her to get sorted.
You remembered that day so clearly, almost like time hadn’t passed. You remembered James helping you adjust to magic, helping you with whatever you were confused with without hesitation. You remembered how James had dragged you outside, insisting that one of the best things about magic was flying, remembered how he had grinned as you refused to mount the broom only to compromise with you and before you knew it you were on a broom, James behind you as you went on your first flight.
You had years’ worth of fond, happy memories attached to James. For the first few years at Hogwarts there were no bad memories, sure the two of you had arguments but they were resolved before the day was over. You and James were attached at the hip, it was rare to be seen without the other, and so it didn’t surprise Remus when you told him at the beginning of fifth year that you had a crush on the boy.
You’d liked him for a while now, half way through third year you realised you liked him more than a friend but you hadn’t been too concerned with trying to figure out your feelings at thirteen. Now however you were fifteen, everyone around you was getting into relationships and you’d had years to think about what your feelings for James meant.
You also had a year of watching James’ crush on Lily Evans, watching as he made an idiot out of himself over and over again in an almost desperate attempt to capture her attention. Whilst Sirius laughed and encouraged it, you sat on the sidelines, a feeling in the pit of your stomach you couldn’t quite place but ignored as best you could.
Fifth year came along and James hadn’t been as focused on Lily, instead he reigned himself in, offering up polite conversation to the girl but not much else. That was when you had confessed to Remus your feelings for James, knowing the boy would never share your conversation with him but still feeling like speaking the words aloud would cause something to shift.
Remus had smiled at you, encouraged you to tell James how you felt, confident James felt the same for you. At first you had been adamantly against Remus’ advice, not wanting to mess up the dynamic you had with James but one night, long after everyone else had gone to bed and you and James had snuck out to lay out by the lake, looking up at the stars you had whispered your feelings to him.
The few seconds of silence that passed after your confession were torturously slow but then James had turned to you with a soft smile and asked you to go with him to Hogsmeade that weekend and you felt a weight you hadn’t known was there fall from your shoulders.
From there it was easy dating James, the two of you already spent most of your time together anyway and five years of being friends made it feel like you knew everything about the other. There was no awkward getting to know each other phase, no uncomfortableness, it felt like nothing had changed except now you finally got to kiss him.
It was easy to ignore at first. For the first few months of your relationship with James it was easy to get lost in him, so absorbed by the happiness you felt that you didn’t even realise it at first, not until the whispers around you got louder and the sympathetic looks multiplied.
That’s when you noticed James’ straying eyes, the way he‘d leave your side and you’d spot him sitting with Lily or how even when she wasn’t involved in the conversation her name still somehow managed to get brought up.
You wanted to continue to ignore, to just remain oblivious and not have to deal with it and despite feeling like an idiot that’s exactly what you did. You refused to acknowledge any feelings James might have towards Lily, refused to listen as people told you it was only a matter of time before the two of them became a thing. If you went to bed with tears in your eyes some nights, having to share a room with the girl you were sharing James’ affection with then nobody had to know.
Just because his feelings for Lily had seemingly returned, or more accurately never left but had been buried for a while, didn’t mean he was any less involved with you. He was still there with you every day, still held your books, walked you to class, snuck the two of you out of the castle and asked you on dates. He still spent his nights with you tucked under his arm in front of the fire and smiled at you like he always had.
It almost made you wonder, one night alone in bed, if he was even aware of his own feelings for Lily, if he realised just how much he liked her. That’s when you paused, your breathing stopping for a second before you sucked in a sharp breath. What you and James had was comfortable, it was familiar, it reminded you of home when you were in his arms and you had to wonder if he felt the same. Surely he couldn’t, right? No matter how much you wanted to believe otherwise you had spent months ignoring the fact that when he walked into a room his gaze seemed to land on Lily before it did you.
The realisation had your heart breaking and you felt the tears sliding down your cheeks as you tried to muffle your cries. You had fallen for James, loved him as a best friend and as a boyfriend, though you’d yet to admit that one out loud, and you knew, no matter what happened between you and James, you knew he would never want to hurt you.
Somehow, even with the ache in your chest, you managed to fall asleep that night dreading your date to Hogsmeade the next morning.
The two of you sat opposite each other at a small table by the window, drinks in hand as you half-heartedly listened to James rambling on, your thoughts still very much still on the same train of thought as they had been last night.
“Hey,” James called softly, gaining your attention as he touched your hand, “you alright?”
You were silent for a moment, completely unsure about how to answer that question. You knew your relationship with James was over at that point, if you were being honest it had been over for a long time but even now you were hesitant to admit it, hesitant to bring it to attention but you knew you needed to.
At the end of the day James was still your best friend, even if that would sting for a while, and you had only ever what was best for him. If Lily Evans was what was best for him, or at least what he thought was best for him, then who were you to stand in the way?
Still it didn’t mean your heart wasn’t shattered.
Just as you opened your mouth to answer him you watched as his eyes flickered to the side, over to where the door was. Without needing to look you already knew who had just walked into The Three Broomsticks, you watched as James’ face lit up, a smile tugging unconsciously at his lips as his eyes followed her and still you turned your head slightly so you could see her, feeling your own eyes fill with tears.
Resignation was clear on your face even as your eyes fell closed to stop the tears from sliding down your cheeks. You took a breath before turning back to James whose gaze was on you again, concern written across his features.
“I really hope you get her someday.” You told him shakily, two tears trailing down your right cheek as you spoke.
Those weren’t exactly the words you thought you were going to use to start this conversation but ultimately they seemed right. Despite how much your heart ached, despite how much you wished it was you he wanted to be with, at the end of the day all you wanted was him happy.
You watched as the concern on James' face turned to confusion, his eyebrows knitting together as he tilted his head.
“What?” He finally asked, his confusion just as clear in his tone as it was on his face.
“You like her, James.” You told him, watching as his eyes widened as they moved to look at Lily again before he turned back to you, shaking his head as he did. “It’s ok, I’ve known for a long time I just didn’t want to admit it.”
“I like you, Y/N/N.” He told you firmly, sounding like he truly believed those words and you didn’t doubt it.
“I know,” You told him, a smile making its way onto your face despite the fact that more and more tears seemed to fall from your eyes. ‘I know you do but I’m not her.” Your voice broke as you spoke, the words had you fighting back more tears.
“Y/N,” James tried again but you shook your head.
“Your whole face lights up when she so much as enters a room and when she talks to you, Merlin’s beard, I’ve never seen you smile brighter. I wish it was me, James, believe me I wish more than anything I was the one who could make you that happy but I’m not and I love you so much that I just want you to be happy…even if it’s not with me.” As you spoke you had to pause, needing to take a shaky breath as the tears continued to pour from your eyes.
James’ eyes widened at the love confession casually thrown into the speech, something you hadn’t even meant to let slip out but didn’t regret. They weren’t spoken to make him feel back but more so because you wanted him to know, know how much he meant to you and how much you really didn’t want there to be any hatred between the two of you.
You watched his eyes drift over towards Lily again before he looked to you, looking equally as heartbroken as you felt.
“I love you, you know that right?” He asked you, eyes pleading with you to know he was being honest and you couldn’t help but laugh softly despite the tears as you nodded.
“I know you do, baby,” you whispered, laugh fading into a shaky smile and you watched as James’ own eyes became watery, “just not like how you love her.”
“I’m so sorry, Y/N/N.” He apologised, words shaky and broken as he reached out and took your hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“I know you are.” You said again, squeezing his hand back and watching as a tear fell down his cheek. “I meant it, you know.”
“Meant what?” He asked, the two of you keeping your voices low as you spoke.
“I really do hope you get her.” You told him and watched his eyes shut as he shook his head, opening them to look at you with wide, apologetic eyes.
Before James had the chance to reply you brought his hand up to your lips and pressed a gentle, barely there kiss to the skin before letting it fall back to the table and giving it a final squeeze. With that you pulled away from him and stood up, watching as his face seemed to crumble even more as he watched you.
He opened his mouth as if to say something more but seemed to decide against it as it fell closed. Instead he forced a shaky smile onto his face as more tears made their way down his cheeks. You smiled back at him, feeling too many emotions to make sense of as you turned away from him and out of the inn, ignoring the looks people sent you, not even caring about what a state you’d look like now with tears still falling down your face.
As you began your walk back to the castle alone you knew, despite how much you were hurting right now, despite how much you wanted to curl up in your room and cry until everything felt better, you knew you had done the right thing, not only for James but for yourself.
For months you’d let your relationship continue despite knowing about his feelings for Lily, all because you weren’t ready to let him go. You still weren’t ready to be without him in all honesty but you knew it wasn’t fair to yourself to stay with somebody who wasn’t as all in as you were.
You would always love James Potter, it seemed impossible that there was a universe out there that could exist without you loving him. Even if you had to do the hardest thing and let him go it didn’t mean you loved him any less, Merlin, it probably showed you loved him more, the fact you were willing to let him go, willing to put his own happiness above your own. You would always love James Potter, it was just one of the many facts of life, even if he didn’t love you back, even if it meant watching him with another girl, your love for him would never fade.