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Things, for Hyunjin, have changed so drastically in the last few months that he barely remembers who he was before . After the last major breakdown he had, things started to go downhill—he’d spiralled and made bad decisions; decisions that made it worse, but decisions that changed his life for the better, nonetheless. And, yeah—maybe it’s a little bit drastic to say, but he really does think he got set back on track, back in his orbit, back where he was meant to be.
Hyunjin’s finally spinning in his orbit, but in order to get back there, he had a lot of hurting to do—and to cause.
Only weeks after the Seungmin-oriented breakdown Hyunjin had, he’d made the stupid decision to break up with Jisung. This was the first of many bad decisions he’d made in his haze, but Hyunjin thinks, still, that it was the worst. But he wasn’t doing well, not at all, and Jisung deserved better than that. Jisung deserved so much more than to be constantly subconsciously compared to Seungmin. Jisung deserved better than a Hyunjin that would go to bed thinking about Seungmin and wake up wishing he was there, instead of Jisung.
Leaving Jisung seemed easy at the time—but of course it did, because he never got upset with Hyunjin. Instead, Jisung said he understood, said they could remain friends, and even though they hadn’t spoken too much for a good month and a half after the fact, they did stay friends. Even though he’d broken Jisung’s heart, the younger stayed. Hyunjin’s grateful even to this day for that because he really doesn’t know where he’d be without his Jisung.
It was easy for Hyunjin to think that breaking up with Jisung was the right thing to do, and it was even easier for Hyunjin to fall into another man’s bed weeks later to get rid of the thoughts of Jisung constantly floating around in his head. It was easy for Hyunjin to pretend that he was in love with Sunwoo and it was even easier for him to trick himself into thinking that he was. What wasn’t easy, though, was what came after—seeing the true colours of Sunwoo, someone he thought he’d known for a good while, and having to deal with that.
What wasn’t easy was dealing with how he felt when Sunwoo said certain things about their future—when Sunwoo said anything about their future. It took many long, grieving counselling sessions for Hyunjin to even realise that he didn’t love Sunwoo like he thought he did, let alone to deal with the fact that he never felt anything more than platonic for the older man.
What was easy, though, was breaking up with Sunwoo—it wouldn’t have been as easy as it was had it not been for the man deliberately overstepping an important boundary of Hyunjin’s. The after effects of the breakup weren’t so pleasant to deal with, however—between the constant insecurities floating through Hyunjin’s head, opening old wounds he’d sworn were healed over, and their friends picking sides, Hyunjin felt like he was drowning. But, if Hyunjin were drowning, then Jisung was his buoy—no matter what happened, Jisung was there to hold him, to ground him, to tether him to the ground while still letting him float above the clouds. Jisung never let him fall under.
After what felt like the longest week of Hyunjin’s life, things slowly began to calm down, and he felt himself being pulled a little closer to orbit again.
Some point in the middle of the hell Hyunjin inflicted upon himself, he’d started talking to Jisung on a daily basis once again, along with a new friend the two of them had made: Felix. The three had a chemistry like no other—time appeared to fly by whenever the three got busy doing something together, whether it be a profanity filled match of UNO or a laughter filled game of Cards Against Humanity. Hyunjin truly felt at home with Jisung and Felix.
Over time, lines became blurred between Hyunjin and Felix. Felix was naturally a cuddly and affectionate person and everyone with eyes could tell that Hyunjin’s a hopeless romantic, so of course when Felix gave him a little bit more affection than he was used to, he began to fall in the same, dangerous trap he’d been in many times before. The difference this time, however, was that Felix wasn’t like the others—Felix cared more about Hyunjin than he cared about his own form of entertainment. At the first sight of Hyunjin catching any sort of feelings (not that Hyunjin would’ve known whether they were platonic or romantic anyway) , Felix was sure to shut Hyunjin down; softly enough that it didn’t hurt Hyunjin, yet firmly enough to make sure Hyunjin knew what Felix meant. Still, Hyunjin is grateful to Felix for that.
Time kept ticking, life went on. The sun still shone each day, hotter than the last, and Hyunjin was being pulled closer and closer into his orbit once more. Jisung became a regular part of his life again, even outside of their time with Felix. Things felt right with Jisung by his side. His Jisung.
Growing up, Hyunjin had watched a lot of romantic movies; rom-coms, cheesy Hallmark love stories during Christmas, chick flicks—whatever you could name, he’d seen it. Maybe it was because of that or maybe it was because his parents never showed him what true love was supposed to look like, but he grew up thinking that falling in love had to happen as a flashbang or it wasn’t real; that it was more of a decision than a realisation. Perhaps, though, that’s why it snuck up on him with Jisung—
—he never expected it.
Falling in love with Han Jisung was the easiest thing Hyunjin’s ever done. It came to him naturally, like breathing, and if it weren’t for him being a romantic at heart, he never would’ve realised it. It crept up on him like the sun creeps up the horizon at dawn; Hyunjin felt strongly for Jisung, there was no denying it, but how? If his love for the boy was like the sun at dawn, then his confusion was a blanket of clouds hiding the beautiful colours of the sunrise from the human eye. Over time, the clouds dissipated in spots, leaving a yellow-orange glow to peak through the openings, hinting at what was to be seen behind the curtains of clouds.
But still, despite the hints of the sunrise, Hyunjin couldn’t tell what it was. He had an inkling, sure, but he didn’t want to assume and hurt Jisung.
Everything inside Hyunjin seemed to pile up until he finally reached his breaking point while talking to Felix on the phone one night. For once, the breaking point wasn’t bad—for once, Hyunjin didn’t feel like burying himself away in his bathroom, but rather he felt like he could talk about it without fear of judgement; and so, he did.
“Felix?”
“Mm?” Felix hummed, deep voice rumbly through the tinny speakers of Hyunjin’s phone. “Wha’s up, YunYun?”
“How do you, like… how do you know whether your feelings are platonic or romantic?” Hyunjin asked, pulling his knees up to his chest and setting his chin on the dip between them.
Felix laughed heartily. “You’re asking me? Shit, I dunno, love. Maybe think about it? Think of romantic reasons and platonic reasons.”
“What do you mean by reasons?”
“Like,” he started, “what you think is platonic with Jisung and what you think is romantic. If they blend too much together, it’s likely just platonic.”
Hyunjin hummed and pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. “That’s the first time anyone’s ever explained it in a way that’s made sense,” he told Felix. “Thank you.”
Felix just chuckled before going off about something new in a game he’d been playing lately. Hyunjin hummed and hawed along, letting the younger talk about his latest interest, but all he could think about was Jisung.
What did he feel for Jisung? Was it just a desire to be close, to keep him in his bubble forever, or was it more? Could he envision himself with Jisung in the future? Did he want to be intimate with Jisung? What did he feel like when he thought of kissing Jisung?
It was a never-ending cycle of thoughts, and by the end of the night, Hyunjin hadn’t felt like he’d gotten anywhere with it; he hadn’t found his answer yet. That’s what he thought, at least, but he had his answer sitting in the palm of his hands. It would only take an extra day or two to realise, but Hyunjin was still completely, irrevocably in love with Han Jisung.
Days after that conversation with Felix, Hyunjin gathered the courage to tell Jisung exactly how he felt. It was weird, honestly—he was afraid that Jisung wouldn’t feel the same anymore; afraid that Jisung would be weirded out by the confession; and most of all, he was afraid he’d lose Jisung’s friendship. That was—and is— the most important thing to him.
“Can I say something scary?” Hyunjin asked, sitting up and crossing his legs under himself. The night sky shined bright above them, each star twinkling in it’s own beautiful light, and Hyunjin thought there was no better time to tell him than now.
Jisung laid beside Hyunjin with his messy hair sprawled out over the soft Spiderman blanket beneath them. He opened his eyes and looked at Hyunjin with a concerned look, but without thought, replied “of course you can, silly. You don’t need to ask me to say anything.”
Hyunjin took a deep breath and bit down on his bottom lip, thinking about how to say it without making it weird. He felt a little bit like a seventh grader with the way he was getting so nervous over a simple crush confession, but he knew it was because it was more than a “simple crush confession”. This was Jisung, and he was still in love with Jisung.
It just made everything different.
“Okay,” he started. “I’ve been thinking a lot, this past little while, and… shit, I don’t even know how to word it, I feel so silly.” A chuckle escaped from his bitten lips before he could continue. “I really like you, and I’ve been struggling with it a little bit because I thought it was just platonic, and that’s why I ended it with you in the first place, but I talked to Felix about it and I really don’t think I have strictly platonic feelings for you.”
Hyunjin didn’t want Jisung to know that he left him because of his own stupid insecurities. Saying that he thought it was just platonic was a good cover at the time, because he did struggle with deciphering the difference, but that’s not why he left Jisung the first time. Jisung didn’t need to know that, though—Hyunjin didn’t want Jisung to know how pathetic he could be sometimes.
He didn’t give Jisung a second to reply before he started talking again. “It’s scary because I keep worrying that you don’t feel the same, or that it’d be weird, or that you’d hate me, and I know how silly that sounds but you know how stupid my anxiety brain can be sometimes. Um—it’s… it’s okay, of course, if you don’t feel the same way anymore, I just… needed to tell you. I’d rather have you as my best friend than as nothing, though.”
Silence blanketed the two boys once Hyunjin sighed out the ending, and for a moment, Hyunjin thought Jisung did hate him. He thought that was it, that was the end, he’d gone and fucked up the most important friendship of all—
“Please don’t worry,” Jisung’s soft voice echoed, “It’s not silly. I honestly don’t think I really got over you in the first place, anyways. I just didn’t want to make it obvious because I didn’t want to put that on you at the time, you know? Mm—yeah, but, uh—anyway, I’m just trying to say that I still like you, too, y’know.”
Hyunjin swore his heart stopped beating when those words fell from Jisung’s lips. “Really? You’re not just fucking with me?”
Jisung sat up and looked at Hyunjin incredulously. “Why would I be fucking with you? I’ve liked you since the start, dumbass.”
It took an embarrassingly long time for the words to settle in his head, but once they did, Hyunjin turned to Jisung with a dumb smile that only grew wider when he saw the stars reflecting in Jisung’s eyes. No words were spoken beyond that; the two boys just laid together under the night sky until they fell asleep, sharing soft kisses under the moonlight whenever the urge overcame either boy.
Needless to say, they woke up the next day with very, very sore backs and full, warm hearts.
Maybe it was that, or maybe it was the two finally becoming official again, Hyunjin doesn’t know—whatever it was, he felt himself being pulled back into orbit completely; like a puzzle piece he never realised was missing until it was too late, until it was hiding behind the couch. Hyunjin’s starting to feel like himself again, piece by piece, and it’s a feeling he hasn’t had since before Seungmin left.
Ah, Seungmin . Hyunjin can’t remember when he last thought of Seungmin for more than a split second. If he tries to put things into a timeline, he’d see that the last time Seungmin occupied his mind was some point during the time he was with Sunwoo, but something in the back of his head tells him to forget it. There’s no point in having a timeline for everything; he knows that now. All it really does for him is cause confusion when lines become blurry and dates get mixed up—even if he tries to tell himself differently.
Maybe it’s a good thing that Seungmin’s finally left Hyunjin’s head. Maybe it’s a good thing, even though a part of Hyunjin will always love Seungmin, that Hyunjin’s finally able to move on. If Hyunjin was a planet, Seungmin was a gaping hole left in the surface, big enough to disturb Hyunjin’s gravitational force and knock him out of orbit. Over time, though, pieces of Hyunjin learned to fill the hole bit by bit, and though he was on his way back to orbit by himself, Jisung was the asteroid that both filled the hole and knocked him closer to orbit. He only sped things up.
Since Hyunjin’s last breakdown, things have changed. Things are constantly changing, constantly growing and breaking and being thrown off course, but sometimes that’s not a bad thing. Even if Hyunjin hates change—which he does—change isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes, change means being set back on course.
It’s September 1st and all Hyunjin can think about is Jisung. The leaves haven’t started to turn colours yet and it’s still a blazing 30 degrees outside and all Hyunjin can think about is Jisung. Everyone’s hyped up for fall, thinking about the temperature finally being livable, thinking about the pumpkin spiced foods and drinks they’ll have all season long, and all Hyunjin can think about is Jisung. ‘Sun’ by Sleeping At Last comes on shuffle as he’s driving down the highway with his hair blowing in the wind, on his way to find Jisung, and of course—all Hyunjin can think about is Jisung.
All Hyunjin can ever think about is Jisung.
What would winter be like with Jisung? Or Christmas, even? The happiest time of year—the busiest time of year—spent with the one person that makes Hyunjin feel whole again. What would it be like to make new memories without thinking of old ones? What would it be like to not constantly worry about having to clear the said old memories from his head just to make room for the new ones? Will Hyunjin finally be happy?
Is this what happiness feels like? Is this what being whole feels like? Hyunjin can’t explain it, but something just… feels right . It feels embarrassingly cliche to say, to think that Jisung made his life right again, that the world is so much more colourful now, but that’s all Hyunjin can think about. He’s always been a hopeless romantic; it’s no surprise to him that he’s placing all of this meaning on Jisung without barely a thought of how much it may weigh on the other.
It’s September 1st and Hyunjin’s driving down the highway with a steamed apple juice in one hand and the other gripping the steering wheel and all he can think about is how soft Jisung’s lips would feel against his own. He holds his cup up to his lips and lets the hot drink slide down his throat, warming every inch of him that it touches, and all he can think about is how Jisung’s lips might taste. Would he taste of the same strawberry lip gloss Hyunjin watches him put on all the time? Would he taste of weed? Would he taste like home?
Would Jisung think Hyunjin tasted like home, too?
Slowly, the sun starts to go down and the sky turns a vivid shade of orange. It’s almost blinding, how bright the sky is, but Hyunjin doesn’t want to mask it—he doesn’t want to wear his sunglasses and hide the colours from coming in, even if he has to squint just to see the road properly. Even without the sun, it’s warm out, and Hyunjin feels a little bit silly for wearing his hoodie on such a day—but it isn’t really his sweater, and you can’t blame him if he’s been wearing Jisung’s hoodie for two days, counting down the minutes until he could see him again.
However with that, you also can’t blame him for the insecure thoughts slipping through the (supposedly) well-built wall in his mind. Hyunjin can’t help but wonder if Jisung thinks of him like this. Does Jisung think in colour when he thinks of Hyunjin, too? Does Jisung feel the same tug in his heart that Hyunjin does? Does Jisung feel the same electricity that flows through Hyunjin when they kiss? Does Jisung feel the same? Does Jisung feel the same?
Does Jisung feel the same?
Hyunjin pulls his bottom lip between his teeth. A sinking feeling fills his stomach and as much as he tries to let it go, tries to let his head float away in the clouds like it has been for days now, he can’t. Something is tethering him to the ground, trying to pull him underwater, and he can’t swim. This feels like the last did—however weaker, yet still the same; he feels like he did when he last thought of every vivid memory he had with Seungmin. What if it ended the same way him and Seungmin did? What if Jisung felt like he had to lie to get out of being in a relationship with Hyunjin?
Did Seungmin feel like that? Was Hyunjin a fool for ever thinking that Seungmin wouldn’t lie to him like that? Maybe Hyunjin should’ve listened to everyone when they said it was Seungmin’s way out—that it was Seungmin coming up with the most beautifully crafted, bold faced lie to break up with Hyunjin so he wouldn’t have to do it himself—
—so he wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt of carrying Hyunjin’s broken heart on his shoulders.
Would Hyunjin lose Jisung like that, too?
Hyunjin gets knocked out of his thoughts by the sound of his ringtone— Jisung’s ringtone blaring through the speakers, pausing whatever song was playing before Hyunjin fell into his head. Jisung’s timing couldn’t be any better, Hyunjin thinks; it’s almost like he has a radar for whenever Hyunjin’s feeling low or getting too lost in the space of his mind. Hyunjin wouldn’t be too surprised—at this point, he’s just convinced Jisung’s an angel. He shakes his head and promises himself that he’ll talk to Jisung about his worries and insecurities one of these days before answering his call.
“Guess who almost got in another accident,” Jisung says. Hyunjin reaches over to the dash and turns the volume down a considerable amount, physically recoiling at just how loud his boyfriend’s voice is through the speakers.
“Hello? Are you good?” Hyunjin asks incredulously. “Were you wearing your glasses?”
“Hah, yeaah,” he replies, dragging out his words. “Totally. You know me, always at the top of my game, wearing my glasses every time I set foot in my vehicle—”
“I’m about to pull out your full name here.” Hyunjin shakes his head. He looks over his shoulder and throws on his blinker before merging into the next lane, and it’s only when he’s done that he continues talking. “You gotta start wearing your glasses more, love.”
“I will, I will.” Hyunjin knows he won’t. “Are you almost here?”
“Yeah,” he says, turning right down a street not-so-far away from Jisung’s. “I’ll be there in less than five, okay?”
“Okay!”
Jisung hangs up and Hyunjin is left with his thoughts once more, but rather than being filled with worries and things he can’t control or change, his mind is filled with Jisung.
Things are changing, but they’re not scaring Hyunjin anymore. Change is inevitable; change is the sun and Hyunjin is just a planet revolving around it. Without the sun, Hyunjin would be nothing more than an ice-filled planet with no room to grow anything, no room for life. Without change, Hyunjin would be stuck in the past, revolving around a Seungmin shaped star rather than the sun; a white dwarf rather than a red giant, rapidly burning out until all that’s left is a dim black dwarf and a dying out Hyunjin.
Things are changing but change is what makes the world go round; change is what keeps Hyunjin from drifting off into space.
When Hyunjin arrives at Jisung’s five minutes later, the latter is sitting on the cement steps in front of his house with his knees pulled up to his chest and his chin resting in the dip there. The sight warms Hyunjin’s heart more than he wants to admit. He turns off the ignition and doesn’t waste a single second before he hops out of his car, making it to Jisung’s side in one-, two-, three long strides.
“You’re here!” Jisung exclaims, bouncing up from his previous position to engulf the elder in a hug. “I missed you.”
Hyunjin’s arms wrap around Jisung’s shoulders while Jisung’s wrap around his waist and they fit so well together, like two perfectly cut puzzle pieces. Hyunjin swears he can feel his heart skip a beat when he feels Jisung’s small fingers grasp onto the back of his hoodie. This boy, he thinks, this boy might be the death of me.
“I’m here,” Hyunjin laughs, pressing a small kiss to the crown of Jisung’s head. “Missed you too, honey pot.”
Jisung pulls away first, no matter how hesitant he feels at first, and sits back down. He holds his hand up as an invitation; not only for Hyunjin to sit beside him, but also just to hold his hand. Hyunjin smiles at the gesture and squats down on the cement, the fabric of his jeans pulling tight over his knees. For a moment, the world around them is quiet—the wind doesn’t howl through the trees, no cars pass by, and the only audible sound is of the two breathing.
It’s just the two of them.
Hyunjin feels Jisung squeeze his hand before he runs his thumb over the elder’s knuckles, and for whatever reason, it’s this that makes him truly open his eyes. This is how Hyunjin always feels with Jisung. This is what it feels like to be cared for. This is what it feels like to be loved.
Hyunjin looks down at the younger boy and, without wasting a second, presses his lips against Jisung’s. This time, there’s no exciting sparks shooting through his veins or enough butterflies swirling around in his stomach to make him feel sick; instead, a fire starts in his heart, and he knows.
He’s in love with Jisung.
This is what happiness feels like.
With golden string
Our universe was clothed in light
Pulling at the seams
Our once barren world now brims with life
That we may fall in love
Every time we open up our eyes.