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Lia can hardly believe her luck.
She’s sitting on the light rail, camera on her lap, and zooming some forty miles per hour toward Caroline.
Toward Caroline.
She can’t believe that she’s literally, actually, headed to the woman’s home. It’s like the start of so many of her daydreams, only it isn’t a dream this time.
She knows she’s making a big deal out of nothing. Caroline is her former instructor, probably at least fifteen years her senior and most definitely sees her as just another kid. She’s also visiting for a reason that has everything to do with the camera on her lap, though it’s also not untrue that she engineered the meeting out of the brilliance of her own mind. Still, the twenty-four year old can’t help but tremble with excitement.
Lia has liked Caroline since the very first day she stepped into her creative writing workshop three months ago. Even before Caroline said a word, Lia was drawn to those dark curls and the friendly crinkles that would surface on the corners of her bright green eyes every time she beamed.
It was just a crush, but it was also so much more. Caroline made Lia feel alive again, like she wasn’t a young adult stuck in a comfortable but boring job. Every day was the same—head to the office by 8, sit through a bunch of meetings, write some code if she was lucky, and then be back home around 5:30. People talked about having a work life balance, but by the time she got home and finished making and eating dinner, all she wanted to do was to cozy up on the couch and watch something, or read something, or call it for the night.
Her friend had found the flier in the city and convinced her to sign up, reminding Lia just how much she loved creative writing and pointing out that she hadn’t been doing much of it lately. And she had indeed signed up, swearing that she would walk out if it wasn’t worth her time, which was precious as it was.
She almost did walk out when she realized that literally everyone else in the workshop, with not a single exception, was a college student. Sure, she wasn’t that many years removed from college, but college was some of the worst years of her life, and she didn’t want to relive anything like it.
But then Caroline glided into the room, and Lia fell hard.
Caroline welcomes Lia into her home with a warmth that immediately makes her feel at ease. “You can set the camera on the dining table,” she says after her initial greeting. “Sit. Can I get you something to drink? I have mango, pineapple, passion fruit, and apple juice.”
“Which is your favorite? I’ll take that one.”
“Ah, passion fruit it is.”
Lia doesn’t think she’s ever had passion fruit, but she pretends that the name has a deeper meaning. It makes her smile absent-mindedly and self-deprecatingly at herself, and she’s glad Caroline’s back is turned so she can’t see.
While Caroline opens the fridge and busies herself at the counter, Lia sits and observes. The place is fairly small and modest, but it is warm and welcoming. Literally, it is warm—opposite the door and facing the courtyard are huge, tall windows that take up almost the entire wall, and with the curtains undrawn, the rays of sunlight coming in are providing a lot of warmth.
Lia spies a framed photo on the wall, and it’s with great interest that she notices it features Caroline with two young children, but with no spouse in sight. It’s the hope that kills you. She can’t imagine that Caroline—beautiful, vivacious, intelligent Caroline—can be single.
Speaking of Caroline, the woman is taking an awfully long time to pour a glass of juice. Lia returns her attention to the kitchen counter, where it appears the woman of her affections is mixing multiple ingredients and making use of a bubbler as well. Caroline turns, their eyes meet, and she smiles.
“Here you are. My favorite juice—passion fruit, but with some extra oomph.”
Lia doesn’t ask what the extra oomph is, but she can taste lemon and mint. The drink is absolutely perfect—it doesn’t even matter that she hates mint.
“It’s good, right?”
“So good.”
“Wonderful! I also made some cake for us. Let me just grab it and then I can sit with you.”
“You didn’t have to,” Lia protests weakly. “Not on my account.”
“Nonsense! It was my pleasure.”
Caroline places a pretty cake at the center of the table along with a cake knife and two small plates. “Help yourself with as much or as little as you’d like.”
“Thanks.” Lia cuts a modest piece for herself and watches as Caroline does the same right after her. When she looks up, the other woman is looking at her expectantly.
“So? How have you been? You’ve been free of me for a whole month now, I want to hear all about what’s new.”
“Free of you? You make it sound like I didn’t choose to be in your workshop.”
Caroline waves it aside. “Who ever really enjoys their summer session classes? I hope you were able to make the most of your summer break when it wasn’t being taken up by my class. You did write an awful lot.”
Lia’s brow furrows. “Wait… what? Summer break? I’m not a college student.”
“You’re not?” Caroline looks utterly bewildered. “How?”
“What do you mean, how? I’m just not. I graduated over three years ago. I'm a full time software developer who just happens to have an interest in creative writing.”
Caroline still looks confused, and Lia can’t help but find the expression endearing.
“Is that why everyone else in the workshop was in college? Because you were actually teaching a college class?”
“Since summer session classes are much shorter, they’re not usually given the respect that spring and fall classes are, but yes… it’s a PSU class. Meant to give students the chance to add to their writing portfolio before fall semester starts.” Caroline is looking at her with interest. “I did think you were more mature than your peers, but I had no idea. And I thought the reason you weren’t in my system and I couldn’t give you a grade was because you were an auditor.”
“I’m not a college student,” Lia repeats.
“I can see that,” Caroline returns, and Lia could’ve sworn that she licked her lips. She’s probably nervous that she broke some rule teaching me.
“Are those your children?” she asks suddenly, gesturing to the photo she saw earlier.
“Yes, though they’re a few years older now.”
“How old are they?”
“Ada is 8 and Natan is 5. Natan just started kindergarten, so they finally go to the same school now. Makes school drops much easier.” She gives Lia a calculating look. “You don’t happen to have any of your own, do you?”
“Maybe if I had someone to have them with,” Lia retorts. “I love kids, and if Facebook is accurate, then some of my high school classmates are already having babies left and right.”
“Having someone to help is overrated,” Caroline says. She helps herself to another slice of cake. “My ex-husband left before Natan was born, but even when he was there he didn’t make things any easier.”
So she’s straight, Lia thinks. Dark clouds erupt in her mind and she pushes the slice of cake around on her plate. She’s a bit overwhelmed to be talking to Caroline one on one for so long, without someone else interrupting and asking for the instructor’s attention.
“Listen to us, nattering on! I believe we had something planned?” Caroline angles her head toward the camera.
Ah, yes. Photos. It’s quite a brilliant plan, if Lia does say so herself. A month ago, faced with the prospect of the workshop ending and thereby never seeing Caroline again, Lia desperately wanted something to remember Caroline by. Sure, she had snuck a few phone photos in class, but they were all blurry and unsatisfactory. So the idea to ask Caroline if she could take actual, nice camera portraits came to be.
But of course it was Lia, so everything was more complicated.
Instead of asking if she could take photos for the sake of taking photos—because that’s weird—Lia asked if she could paint a portrait of Caroline. I usually paint from life, she had lied, but I imagine you don’t want to sit still for hours on end. Would it be ok if I took some reference photos and then painted from those? Here is an example of my work. How Lia saw it, this could go four ways; Caroline could say:
1 - no, I don’t want you to paint a portrait of me (you creep)
2 - ok, you can paint a portrait, and ok, you can take some photos of me (unlikely)
3 - ok, you can paint a portrait, and actually, I don’t mind sitting for you (more unlikely)
4 - ok, you can paint a portrait, and I can provide a photo, so you don’t have to go through the trouble of taking photos of me (read: I don’t want to be bothered by you)
In the end, Caroline had responded with the second option—to Lia’s surprise and glee—and now here they are.
Lia stands up. “Yeah, let’s do this.” She looks around. “Do you know where we could get a strong light? Natural is best, unless you have one of those life-imitating lights. I forget what they’re called.”
“I do not have one of those. Let’s head to the balcony first, and then we can go down to the courtyard.”
Lia lops the camera strap around her neck and follows Caroline out.
“So you’re a software developer by profession, and yet you do creative writing, photography, and painting.” Caroline ticks the three things off with her fingers.
“You just named three of my favorite things,” Lia smiles. “Here, can you stand right there, and then turn this way a bit, yeah, just like that. Perfect.” She looks into her viewfinder and snaps a test shot. It’s a bit dark, so she adjusts the settings accordingly. The shadow also doesn’t hit exactly how she wants it to. “Can you tilt your head a bit—no, that’s too far—”
“Feel free to pose me.”
“What?”
“Only you know exactly how and where I should be standing. It’ll be much easier if you just move me into position.”
“Oh.” Lia lets go of her camera, grateful that the straps make it so that she doesn’t have to set it down, only to have to pick it up again immediately after. She takes two large steps toward Caroline and reaches out tentatively with both hands, placing one on top of Caroline’s head and the other by her chin. “Like that,” she says. Her voice comes out a bit higher than usual. She quickly steps back and brings the camera to her eyes.
The shot is perfect; she is dancing inside.
“Do you have a preferred side, or a preferred way you like your hair? I want you to like the painting.”
“I look better on my right, and my hair?” She shrugs. “Why don’t you style it? I want to look how you think is the best.”
“You look perfect from every side,” Lia blurts. The words have her blushing immediately, and she quickly snaps a ton of the same photo in the hopes that the furious clicks will distract her subject.
“So this is how you like my... how you want my hair for the painting? Just like this, no change?” Caroline spots the conflict on Lia’s face and pounces on it. “Aha! Here, maybe this will help.” In one swift motion, she removes the hair tie holding her hair in a low pony. Dark hair springs free in all its glory. “All yours.”
Once again, Lia steps forward, but this time—and first with another nod of confirmation—she runs her index finger through Caroline’s hair to the left of her eyes and creates a newer, more dramatic part. The result is that there is more hair that falls to the right of Caroline’s face.
“You never answered my question,” Caroline says.
“You asked a question?”
“You like all these creative things, and yet you’re an engineer?”
“Oh, that. Can you step this way a bit, please?” Caroline does, and Lia snaps another. “I like a lot of things, coding being one of them.”
“Have you ever thought about becoming a painter? I was astounded by the picture of your old painting that you sent me. It looked completely professional.”
“Oh. Thanks.” She had thought about it, dreamed about it even, but in the end she’d chosen the more practical vocation instead of following her heart. It was something that she was steadily coming to regret. “In the past, yeah.”
“And even now. I haven’t seen any examples of your photography but the fact that you own a professional camera like that, and how focused and legit you are in this moment.. I’d have believed it if you told me you were a photographer.”
This time, Lia flashes a genuine smile. “I can show you some of my photos after this, I’ve got a whole photography Instagram. I love it, but I mainly shoot nature or family, so no one’s paying me for that.”
A gentle fall breeze blows through, and Lia hurries to capture the sight of Caroline with her hair flowing freely. She catches a whiff of what must be Caroline’s perfume. It smells of rain and jasmine flowers. The scent is gone as quickly as it’s there—it must be just the slightest application—and Lia makes a mental note to sniff for it the next time she’s close enough again.
“I think I have enough from this location. Can we move out to the courtyard now?”
“Of course!” Caroline leads them down some steps. “Do you have a preferred spot?”
Lia takes her time surveying the area. They were on the top floor earlier; it looks quite different from down here. “There,” she says finally, pointing to an open spot near some trees. “That should give us enough depth and provide a nice, neutral green background.” She moves her hand around to check which way the shadows are pointing. Satisfied with her observations, she puts sufficient distance between the two as she backs up to get the shot.
“As pretty as your smile is, can we get some where you’re offering only a slight smile? And looking away, to a spot right over there?” There is no sound other than quiet clicking. “Perfect! Can you look at me now?”
Caroline turns her bright, emerald eyes to the camera, and even through the viewfinder, Lia marvels at how lovely the color is. “You have the prettiest eyes,” she murmurs. “And I’m not even just talking about the color. As an artist I’m always noticing the details in things, whether that’s people or things, and you stood out from the first moment I saw you.”
“Did I now? Is that purely the artist speaking?”
Lia is so focused on the task at hand that she misses the suggestion in Caroline’s voice. “I’m sure there are non-artists who think the same thing.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?” An idea springs into Lia’s mind, and she misses Caroline’s small huff. “Actually… would it be okay if you exposed your right shoulder?”
Caroline doesn’t even question it—she reaches over to her right and slides her top lower down her neck, but not quite to her shoulder. Lia winces, because… it’s not enough, not for what she has in mind, but she doesn’t want to ask her to lower it more if she isn’t comfortable doing so. By the challenging look she’s being given, she’s almost sure that Caroline is aware of this too. She gives in. “A bit more, if you don’t mind.” Lia nearly drops her camera (she has the strap so even if she did there wouldn’t be any issue other than the embarrassment) when the dark-haired woman in front of her reaches for the top button on her blouse and unbuttons it.
“Didn’t want to get choked out,” she explains helpfully. “Now I’m able to move my top more freely, see?” To prove her point, she slides the collar of her blouse halfway down her shoulder. Lia stares at the exposed skin, and it takes her a second too long to remember why she asked for it in the first place. It’s both what she envisioned and also not quite. The collar on the other side, the non-exposed shoulder, is pulled too close to Caroline’s neck.
Lia gestures to the tight collar. “May I?”
“I already gave you permission.”
Both women hold their breaths as Lia reaches out and undoes the second button. This gives her more wiggle room to adjust the collar now that it’s no longer being stretched against its limits. On the side where the shoulder is still covered, she gently brings Caroline’s hair forward to rest in front.
“Thank you for being so willing to try things out. I’ll make it worth your while, I promise.”
Lia is of course referring to the eventual painting that will come out of this. Only after the words have been spoken does she realize that they contain maybe another meaning.
“Any way else you want me, Lia?”
The sound of her name on Caroline’s lips has Lia looking up in surprise. It makes her realize that, though they interacted plenty during the workshop, Caroline rarely if ever addressed her by name. It never seemed necessary.
“Nothing comes to mind, but if you have any requests—”
“I do, actually.”
Lia hears a strangled gasp—unfortunately her own—leave her lips as Caroline undoes the third button and pulls the top back over her shoulders, having the effect that the amount of skin visible down her front dips drastically lower. It makes her realize that, unless Caroline has some special bra that only covers her nipples, then she is most definitely not wearing one.
“I want one like this,” Caroline declares. “You might even decide to paint this one.”
“At this rate, I might have to paint multiple,” Lia mutters. Still, she obliges and takes the photo. Actually, she takes many.
“Got any more requests?”
“None that I should voice,” Caroline murmurs.
“Come again?”
“Oh, did I say something?” She gives her a look that has Lia questioning if she’s truly hearing things. Lia shrugs. “You wanted photos with dramatic light, right?”
“Yeah, but I think I’ve got enough material to work with. Got some really good ones.” Lia doesn’t want this to end, but it’s true, she’s fulfilled her reason for visiting, and besides, she doesn’t want it to get weird.
“But I just remembered a really good spot,” Caroline has her hands clapped together, excitement in her eyes. It warms Lia’s heart that she’s being such a good sport about this whole thing.
“Okay.”
“Sweet! You can turn your camera off now. If you’re worried about battery life, that is.” The confusion is evident on Lia’s face, but Caroline doesn’t hurry to explain, not until long seconds pass. “The place is three blocks away. I forgot to ask! Are you ok with walking?”
Lia rolls her eyes, but inside her heart is hammering. Caroline wants to… walk? Three blocks with her? “I can walk.”
They leave the courtyard through a gate and start strolling at a leisurely pace.
“I really enjoyed your writing,” Caroline says in a light tone. “That’s one of the reasons I agreed to this, you know? I really wanted to meet the person behind the writer. It’s not every day that college students write with the proficiency you did, but apparently, you weren’t one after all.”
Lia waves the compliment aside, the way she always does when someone says something nice about her. “I assume the other reason is because having a painting made of you is pretty cool?”
“Among others.” Caroline winks, except both eyes close, and Lia bursts out laughing. “What?”
“Nothing, you’re cute.” She stops in her tracks immediately after the words are spoken. “I mean, uhhh, that was super endearing, no I mean, um… I’ll just shut up now.” She resumes walking, trying to pretend that she wasn’t just an awkward mess. Next to her, Caroline is openly laughing.
“You too.”
It feels surreal to hear Caroline call her cute, even if indirectly. For too long, Lia has only seen Caroline as her workshop leader—someone to admire from a distance; someone she’s put on a pedestal and thought entirely way too much of. She knows she’s no longer imagining it. Heck, if she were to imagine Caroline winking, it would not be that silly attempt of a wink she did just now. It had to have actually happened.
“Do you remember all the pieces we wrote?” Lia asks, trying to reignite conversation.
“Most of them, yes. Yours, most definitely.”
“Did you have a favorite?”
The fact that Caroline has an answer right away surprises her. “I particularly liked the one you called Carrie. It felt very… real. Almost tangible.” Lia’s heart skips a beat when she realizes that Caroline is fishing for information. Feeling bold, she decides to be honest.
“For a long time, she was my world.” She smiles wistfully.
“I knew it! It was way too emotional and tender to be fictional. Did you really keep one of her hairs?”
Lia pretends not to hear that last part. “We were never actually together, that part was indeed fictional. It was a long time ago, but she… her existence confirmed to me that I couldn’t hide anymore. It’s because of her that I’m not afraid to love who I love today.”
“Wow.” Caroline is looking at her with an unreadable expression, and it makes Lia feel self-conscious. Despite being comfortably gay for eight years now, she hasn’t come out that many times—only to her immediate family and a few close friends. “Why weren’t you two together?”
Because she was my teacher. Because she was married. Because she was in her thirties. Because I was sixteen and just a stupid, stupid girl who took crushes way too hard. None of these reasons are any that she wants Caroline to know. She shrugs. “Because… she was a bit older than me, and I was still quite young.”
Caroline’s eyebrows raise in surprise. “How much older?”
“Too much.” Lia snorts softly, hating that she’s suddenly sad about this. “Not in my eyes, of course.” Deep down, she knows that it would have been criminal and wrong if it actually happened, but it still doesn’t hurt any less.
Caroline makes a noncommittal sound, and it makes Lia immensely disappointed. She realizes that she wants some sort of validation of her sexuality after revealing what she just has, and her insecurity makes her cringe.
“Do you like ice cream?” Caroline asks suddenly.
Lia notices that they are approaching an ice cream parlor. Does she intend to stop and get ice cream with me?! Play it cool… “Do you not? What kind of question is that?”
“That’s what I like to hear!” Caroline grins, and the eye crinkles that Lia so loves appear. “This is our local joint. They have the best rhubarb flavored ice cream.”
“Rhubarb flavor? I don’t think I’ve ever had or even heard of that in ice cream.”
“It’s very common in Germany and the owners are German.”
They get in line, and Lia thinks, it’s happening! Caroline is looking at her expectantly, and Lia blushes; she must have missed a question. “Sorry?”
“I said, are you ok with trying the rhubarb flavor? Or do you have a favorite flavor that you’re absolutely loyal to?” She says this as a joke, but Lia actually does—she always gets butter pecan. Still, she doesn’t even have to think before her response is out. “I’d love to try the rhubarb flavor.”
They make it to the front of the line, and Caroline orders two rhubarb cones. Lia hurries to pull out her credit card but Caroline waves it away. “No, no, I insist. You can return the favor next time.”
Next time? Lia’s brain short circuits. The hesitation is enough; the person on the other side takes Caroline’s card and the transaction is through without Lia’s involvement. Caroline hands her one of the cones.
“Let’s sit.” In a daze, Lia can only follow.
The ice cream is amazing, but Lia can’t help but feel out of place. By now, she’s starting to think that maybe Caroline might actually like her back. It’s just so… unbelievable. If only her sixteen year old self could see her now.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
Lia does not want to share. “Dime for yours, instead?”
Caroline is quiet at first. When she finally speaks, it is slowly. “I wish I had a Carrie when I was younger.”
Lia’s breath catches in her throat, but she doesn’t speak, hoping Caroline will elaborate.
“I suppose you could say I was a late bloomer. Oblivious, too. I used to wish I was a boy, not because I wanted to be ‘masculine’ or whatever that means, but because I wanted to date all the pretty girls. It just… didn’t occur to me until five months before I married my ex-husband, and by then I felt like my path was set. We stayed married for seven whole years before it just wasn’t viable anymore.”
Lia feels like her skin is on fire. She’s gay she’s gay she’s gay I’m gay I’m gay I’m gay…!
“Do you have a Carrie now?” Now she’s the one doing the fishing, and she waits with bated breath.
“No, not at the moment.” She looks at Lia slyly. “Once I was finally free, you bet I explored. It’s hard with young kids, but I had some help and lots of encouragement.” Her eyes take on a mischievous expression. “You’ve got a bit of…” she leans forward to swipe at the corner of Lia’s mouth where some ice cream has leaked through. The thumb stays on her face even after the spot is clean. Lia is rooted to her seat, frozen except for her tongue, which inadvertently licks her lips.
“Are we on the same page?” Caroline whispers.
Lia can only nod.
“Thank fucking God.”
Hearing the expletive come out of Caroline’s mouth sends a jolt of heat straight to Lia’s core. Their faces are inches apart, both leaning over their seats at the table, but that’s the thing—they’re in public, at an ice cream shop of all places, so Lia winks and backs down, pretending that the ice cream in her hand is more interesting.
“So where is this place with dramatic light? Surely you’re not referring to the sun beating down on us here?” With their eyes connected, Lia gives her cone an unnecessarily salacious lick.
Caroline’s eyes flash—there’s a promise in them: just you wait. “No, it’s not here, but it’s just around the corner. Finish up your ice cream and we can go.”
“Yes, ma’am.” The way Caroline commands her makes Lia hope that it isn’t just photography waiting for her at this mysterious spot with ‘dramatic light’. She uses her teeth to crunch around the top of the cone, making quick work of it, and within a minute she’s done. “And here I had been planning on savoring it slowly.”
Caroline hasn’t finished her own cone, but she rises swiftly anyway and begins to lead them onwards.
The place, as it turns out, is another residential building. Lia is utterly confused as Caroline types in the keycode to get the large metal gates to open, but she follows nonetheless as she’s led to a dark hallway downstairs. It’s not Caroline’s building, that much she’s sure of—she may have only been there for a short time, but she already has it memorized inside and out, and this isn’t it.
“Why do I feel like I’m about to supply content for a murder documentary?”
Lia realizes that it’s not just a hallway—there are large garage style doors on either side instead of walls. Apartment storage unit, she realizes. Caroline stops in front of one such door and punches in another keycode. The door rolls up, and a small, mostly empty room is revealed. There are a few stacked bins in the back, but it isn’t immediately clear what’s in them. Caroline flicks on the lights, heads over to the bins, and starts rummaging through them.
“Earlier, you mentioned a natural light lamp. Well, I remembered not long afterwards that my friend actually has some of those. She’s a volunteer camp counselor in her free time and I help her organize her storage. This room doesn’t have any windows so it gets really dark. I bet the lamp could cast some seriously sick shadows. If only I could find it—aha! There it is.”
The idea has merit. Lia’s not the most fond of shooting in the dark, but she can already imagine the cool portraits that can come out of this. A slow smile spreads on her face. “Sure, let’s get set up.” It’s kind of weird to get back into the groove of taking Caroline’s picture, even though that’s the whole reason for today. Lia locates the one lone outlet and plugs the lamp in. Caroline, meanwhile, flicks the main light off and pulls the garage door closed with a loud thud.
“Right! You can stand there, and I’ll adjust the light to shine—”
“Lia.”
With her attention fully focused on the lamp settings, Lia doesn’t see Caroline stride over to her until the older woman has her pinned against the wall. Her grip on the lamp loosens, just in time for Caroline to kick it none-too-gently away from them.
“You didn’t really think that I brought you here for pictures?”
Lia’s world is on fire. There’s no way this is really happening, but it is, it really is, so she gathers all her courage and crashes her lips onto Caroline’s. The dark-haired woman responds immediately, and it’s a battle of wills, a mixture of teeth, tongues, and lips—
She can feel her plain white tee being tugged off, so she responds in kind by reaching for Caroline’s buttons. This time, she no longer has to stop, and she takes great pleasure in freeing every little button one by one, until the whole blouse flies open freely, and Caroline’s perfect breasts are visible under the dim light of the lamp lying somewhere on the ground.
“Beautiful,” she whispers.
Afterwards, as they sit on the hard floor, panting and trying to catch their breaths, Caroline brushes Lia’s hair behind her ear tenderly. “I actually did take you here because I thought the light would be amazing for photos,” she laughs. “I just got impatient.”
“We can still do photos.” Lia flashes a cheeky grin. “You look extra beautiful right now.”
fin.