Work Text:
Who’s fault is it?
I don’t know.
It’s no one’s fault.
Probably....
たぶん (Tabun/Probably) - YOASOBI
The door creaked as a young man clad in black entered the dilapidated cabin. His clothes were made of lustrous black silk. The hem of his robes was embroidered with silver waves made of the finest threads; the contrast of the two colors added a shroud of mystery. Such a beautifully dressed man, matching his cold yet handsome appearance, one cannot resist taking a double look or more.
However, the person lying on the single bed did not even turn his head. He just kept on staring at the light coming through the window.
He Xuan put down the basket of items he brought back on the old bedside table.
As if sensing the movements nearby, the person on the bed turned to the direction of the sound.
“Are you back, Xiao Sheng?”
Despite the now blurry eyes that could not see anything except lights and silhouettes, the man gave his usual bright, sunny smile. And for a moment, the once un-aging face of a young man overlapped with the wrinkly face of the person in front of him. It was as though he was brought back in time in a flash, when this now bedridden person would hang his arms over his shoulder and drag him along with him, announcing to everyone that he was his best friend.
“Xiao Sheng?”
The person’s weak, rough voice snapped He Xuan out of his daze. The moment he moved, the beautiful black robes turned into old, black cotton clothing. By the time he sat on the bedside, he was even younger than his appearance earlier.
“Mn. I brought porridge. Let’s have a meal, Lao Feng.”
Lao Feng chuckled. “You, really…”
Mixed emotions flashed in his eyes, but he concealed them right away. He raised his still-working arm and said, “Then, help this old man sit up. I’ve been lying on the bed since I woke up. Resting can even tire you, no?” He grinned.
The corner of He Xuan’s mouth raised without him even knowing. However, when it comes to this man, he no longer tried to conceal his real feelings—at least for himself. After all, “Xiao Sheng” was what Shi Qingxuan once brought out of him. Indulging, he would follow his every whim without retorting, and he would smile at this person’s antics. The side He Xuan tried to suppress in all those years they were together. The side that he doesn’t deserve to enjoy yet couldn’t help but express in order to stay and hide his identity in front of the now old Shi Qingxuan.
He held Shi Qingxuan’s frail, thin hand. His skin was dry, and his once plump palms and delicate fingers had now become leathery due to the hardships he experienced in the past years.
As Shi Qingxuan gripped his hand firmly but with no strength, He Xuan's chest tightened.
After that, he took the wooden bowl of porridge from the bedside table. “The old man’s grandson from the next street made this porridge.”
Shi Qingxuan’s working arm had long lost its vigor. He could no longer hold even a bowl of porridge, so He Xuan fed him.
The first time He Xuan appeared in front of Shi Qingxuan once again was when he first experienced losing his grip on his cane and falling on the side road.
At that time, he instinctively disguised himself as a young, poor scholar.
Back then, Shi Qingxuan could still see, just a bit blurry. When the old man’s stare lingered for a few seconds, He Xuan thought that he saw right through him.
As Shi Qingxuan was about to open his mouth, someone suddenly shouted, ‘He Sheng’. It was another old man in the neighborhood and Shi Qingxuan’s acquaintance. He Xuan only remembered then that he had used this disguise before in order to “be friendly” with some people in the neighborhood.
This old man once asked for his name. At that time, he accidentally slipped his real name. But the old man still decided to call him He Sheng. Shi Qingxuan thought it was the disguised He Xuan's real name.
At first, Shi Qingxuan would refer to him as He Sheng until one time, the former asked why He Xuan always hung out with him.
“Where’s your family?” Shi Qingxuan once asked.
He Xuan wanted to lie. How could he dare say where his family was? But in the end, he still said, “They’re all gone.”
There was a long silence between them. But when Shi Qingxuan spoke, it was like he fetched He Xuan from drowning, giving him air to breathe once again.
“Then be part of Lao Feng’s family. I don’t have one as well.”
Ever since then, Shi Qingxuan has referred to him as Xiao Sheng.
And Xiao Sheng was once again allowed to stay on Shi Qingxuan’s side, this time not as his best friend but as a family member.
“Xiao Sheng.” Shi Qingxuan called He Xuan as he sat on the patio one autumn afternoon.
“Lao Feng, what’s wrong? Are you cold?”
“No. He…Sheng, would you get me a wine? Just the cheap ones will do.”
He Xuan frowned, “What are you saying? You’re already like this, and you still want to drink? Are you not afraid of—” he paused. He dared not continue his words. “You…”
Shi Qingxuan smiled, “I’m not afraid…Young Master He. I still owe you a drink here in the royal capital.”
He Xuan froze. Shi Qingxuan continued, “I know it’s you…He Xuan.”
As He Xuan sat beside Shi Qingxuan, his appearance reverted back to his original form, his black, silk robe’s silver embroidery glistened quietly under the light of the afternoon sun.
“When did you find out?” he asked.
“The same day we became family.” Sadness flashed in Shi Qingxuan’s eyes.
He Xuan did not know how to respond. He could only continue staring at the person beside him.
“He Xuan, what we owe to each other is family. You lost yours because of me, and I lost mine because of you. When I realized that it was you back then, I thought, maybe we could only repay each other this way.”
“You don’t owe me anything! You’re just a victim…” I’m the one who owes you. And a lifetime’s worth isn’t even enough to make it up to you.
“But we could never repay each other with our old identities. Our entanglement’s complications were out of the ordinary.” Shi Qingxuan paused to catch a breath. “When I heard you say that you don’t have a family…I realized that I need one, too.”
“I’m getting older and older, not to mention working; I even had a hard time moving… In short, I used you. Isn't there anyone more despicable than me?”
“You’re not.” You know that being able to stay with you and care for you openly right now is my greatest desire.
“I am Lao Feng and you’re my only family, He Sheng. I believe we are truly happy, don’t we? Though I became your grandpa.” Shi Qingxuan chortled.
He Xuan frowned, “I never treated you as my grandpa.”
Shi Qingxuan waved his able hand and joked, “Yeah, just an old wife.”
“You..!” If He Xuan could still blush, his pale white skin would probably have been tinted red by now.
“He Sheng, I don’t want to leave this world with regrets. So, could you get a wine? Buy it from the money under the bed.”
“I thought you were saving it for a special occasion?”
“This is a special occasion,” Shi Qingxuan said, turning to He Xuan’s silhouette. The extremely hazy vision reminded him that time had passed like a blowing wind. “He Sheng, I want to leave with no regrets.”
The last words stabbed He Xuan’s long, non beating yet bleeding heart.
In the end, the wine He Xuan brought was barely touched. Shi Qingxuan only took a sip, while He Xuan stopped halfway.
Shi Qingxuan’s head lay on He Xuan’s shoulders, just like how he acted coquettishly with the other in the past after drinking a lot. He would do many silly things. He Xuan would only snort and ignore him as he ate the meal in front of him, pretending not to care. But if Shi Qingxuan really ended up drunk, He Xuan would still carry him on his back as they left.
“He Sheng, can you do me a favor?” Shi Qingxuan said as he blankly stared at the darkness in front of him. He had night blindness for a long time. His bleary eyesight won't even let him see the starry sky anymore.
“What?”
“Can I call you He-xiong?”
“...Mn.”
“He-xiong.”
“Lao Feng.”
“He-xiong.”
“Yes.”
“He-xiong.”
“I’m here.”
“He-xiong…”
“Qingxuan…”
“He-xiong.”
Shi Qingxuan repeatedly called out his name for a long time as his voice slowly faded away.
As Shi Qingxuan let go of his final breath, his final words were blown by a strong gust of wind that no one, except for the person holding him, could hear.
Bodies of water far away entered in turbulent violence as He Xuan wailed his final grief.
This time, the remaining attachment he had in this mortal world is now gone, and the pain he’s suffering right now isn’t enough as punishment for his eternal sins.
Two silhouettes emerged from the darkness, one wearing a white Taoist robe while the other was clad in red and black, as He Xuan turned into sparkling dust and vanished into thin air right after he laid the lifeless body of Shi Qingxuan on the bed.
Xie Lian sighed as he performed the final rites for these two tragic souls. Hua Cheng put down the remaining wine on the bedside table and quietly stood beside him.
“San Lang…”
“Gege?”
“Do you think they’ll be able to live well?”
“Who knows?” Well, Shi Wudu won’t be there anymore, so maybe. Hua Cheng thought.
“Their souls were bound to each other by fate. I have no doubt they’ll find each other once again. I just hope that this time, the tragedy of the past will never repeat itself.”
Hua Cheng held Xie Lian’s hand. “If Gege wishes to, then I’m sure it will happen.”