Chapter Text
September 25, 2020
FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
OMFG I am such an idiot! After a few too many beers at my initiation party I finally mustered up the courage to, chase down (!), yes, that is what I wrote, chase Simon down and ask him to come outside with me to hang. I guess you could say that was liquid courage talking which I need sometimes to get me out of my head and to actually have the ability to act on what I want, but at the same time I lose my inhibitions too, so it is such a double-edged sword. I just wish that I could muster up the courage I need without alcohol.
In any case, Simon agreed and followed along with me and then I subsequently made a fool out of myself. We were sitting alone outside with me there just babbling nonsensically singing the song he sang in the church, something about a it takes a fool to remain sane or something like that, which was embarrassing enough as is thinking back to it, but then he asked me what I thought of his singing. At first, I didn’t understand the question, but then I told him he was singing loudly and then I laughed, and I could tell he was hurt, or affected by my comment. Why do I always put my foot in my mouth? Why can’t I be as smooth as Erik who always seems to know the right thing to say to make people happy and feel good about themselves. Then he asked me if I was happy at school, and I said yes. Why did that answer tumble out of my mouth? Was that even me sitting there talking? I looked sheepishly at this shy and kind boy who followed me out into the darkness and lied to him. Where was the real Willie and why it is so scary to show that side of myself even to someone as open and cautiously curious as Simon.
Simon, Simon, Simon.
I guess that is the back side of liquid courage… I become brave, but then my actions and the things I say are random at best and embarrassing at worse. I wish I could go back and redo so much of that night. Although I would probably mess it up the second time too.
Then I touched him! It just happened. My brain didn’t have time to think it through or freeze up out of fear. August was looking for me, calling my name, and I all I knew was that I needed to get away and stay hidden. So, I grabbed him and pulled him down the side of the hill a bit to hide us from view and when I looked back up at him my entire body froze and then was overtaken by electrical current running from my hand to where I was holding his shirt. Another louder shout came from August, or was it Nils, I am not sure anymore and Simon called my name mimicking their cries and my hand reached up and covered his mouth instinctively. Blood surged through my entire body at that moment pumping frantically through my veins. I could hear my heart pumping all the way up in my ears and then I looked up and made eye contact with this shy but cheeky boy who was giggling at me only moments ago and then our eyes locked, and I almost lost my shit!
After we made eye contact, we both pulled away quickly and it was sooooo fucking awkward. Simon got up abruptly and said he needed to find Sara and make sure she was okay and probably head home since it was getting late. He looked back at me shyly, but still with kindness in his eyes and said “see ya” and then walked off into the woods in the direction that Sara and Felice headed a while ago. I sat still and let the silence and chill of the September night wrap around me. It was simultaneously lonely because Simon wasn’t there anymore, but also a bit cathartic because I was alone with my thoughts and my pulse could finally calm down and settle. I didn’t realize how wound up I had been until I was alone again. I really don’t like this party culture that I keep getting dragged into. It is easy for me to slide into the “party prince” role; everyone expects of me, and I frankly am fairly good at wearing that mask. With a few beers and shots my nerves loosen up enough to relax, but the result that comes isn’t really me, it is just less “nervy” and less anxiety-ridden. I am nowhere near myself in those environments, but these people don’t really know me so they can’t see the falseness hiding just underneath the surface. Or perhaps they don’t even want to see it. It doesn’t fit their narrative of me so they don’t bother looking farther, deeper.
I would much prefer a small group of good friends who I can depend on and trust completely. But that doesn’t fit with the persona that the Crown expects of me, demands of me, nor that the image that the media has portrayed of me, which everyone takes as truth now. I need to be everything to everyone, but nothing to myself. There is no room for Wille, the authentic Wille, in the Prince of Sweden role I am supposed to be playing. And that just leaves me unbalanced and shifting constantly from one fake persona to another, floundering around between party prince and cocky crew boy, when in truth the reality is so far from that.
Was Simon running away from me when he said he needed to find Sara?
Did he see through my carefully concealed façade and didn’t like what he saw? Did I make him feel uncomfortable? Probably! I made myself uncomfortable in my awkwardness. Why can’t I just be more like Erik or if that is too much to ask, just normal? Why do I always have to fuck up situations because of my anxiety? Simon seems like a nice person, genuine and kind. He says what he thinks and is not afraid to be himself. It is so refreshing to meet someone like that in a sea of people just trying to get closer to me because of my title or what they can get from me. Sometimes I wonder what people actually think and feel since there is always a question floating in the air of what their real motives are. With Simon, I don’t get that vibe at all. It is like he could care less about me and that frees him to just be himself regardless of my response. And then I go and make him feel bad (laughing at him singing loudly) and then get all awkward when we touched.
I am such a fucking looser.
Until next time....W