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Jean wondered if anybody else on the team noticed it.
Ed and Al would come back from their most recent mission and they’d chat and laugh and everything would seem normal. But Jean could see it wasn’t. He could see the cracks in Ed’s smile. He’d seen them often enough in the mirror on himself.
Jean knew what it was like to fake a smile for his younger siblings. And Ed was doing it a lot. Especially recently.
And even now.
“How was your trip?” Breda asked as Ed set his suitcase down on the edge of Hawkeye’s desk and opened it to rustle around the papers and clothes he kept in it. His smile had dimmed considerably as soon as he thought nobody could see it anymore.
“Annoying,” Ed answered.
Alphonse jumped in to elaborate, “I think brother is tired of being assigned mine inspections.”
Hawkeye smiled. “I think the Colonel has something different for you this time.”
Ed retrieved a slightly crumpled piece of paper from his suitcase and tried to flatten it against the surface of Hawkeye’s desk. “Is he in?”
“Yes, but he’s in a meeting with General Bakers right now.”
Ed sighed and his shoulders slumped. His flesh hand rubbed his eyes tiredly and Jean noticed the dark shadows under them. “How long is that gonna take?”
“At least another twenty minutes.”
Al stepped closer to his brother, offering, “Maybe we should get you some lunch in the meantime.”
“Not hungry,” Ed answered.
Jean frowned. Ed’s stomach usually resembled a bottomless pit. He was always hungry.
Al hummed. “You didn’t have breakfast either.”
Ed didn’t answer that, pretending to reread his report. However, Jean saw that he was staring into the middle-distance, his shoulders hunched and his hands tight around the paper.
Hawkeye asked, “Did you make any progress?” She always asked this question when they came back from an assignment and Jean always wondered what it was about. It was about Ed’s research for sure but what exactly he was researching was as unclear as the reason he lost his arm and leg. Or the reason Al always wore his suit of armor. Mustang had told them it had something to do with riots in the area the boys grew up in, but he’d never gone into detail. And since they were under strict orders not to address it with the brothers, they would probably never know.
“No, it was a false lead,” Ed said.
“I’m sorry to hear to that,” Hawkeye replied. “The Colonel was so sure-”
“Well, he was wrong.”
Al added, “We’ll have more luck next time.”
Jean saw enough of Ed’s face to notice a shift in his expression, his brows dipping down and his lips thinning, his jaw quivering for just a moment… but then he put on a wide smile and turned around to Al. “For sure.” He took a deep breath, his smile never faltering and then set his report down. “Since we’re stuck here, I’m gonna try and freshen up a little. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
And with that, he left the office.
Jean didn’t think anyone noticed the tremble in his voice.
Maybe Hawkeye, judging by the way her eyes were following Ed as he left.
The others, however, turned to Al and asked him details about the trip.
The minutes ticked by. Bakers left. Mustang told Hawkeye that he needed to make a phone call. Ed didn’t return.
Finally, Jean thought that they had waited long enough and rose from his seat, muttering about going to find Ed to Hawkeye, who gave him a nod.
Jean made his way to the closest restroom and opened the door. At first glance, it was empty, then he noticed the stall at the very back was locked. “Chief?”
He didn’t receive an answer.
“It’s been a while, are you okay?”
“Fine,” Ed answered, his voice muffled.
Jean waited, but Ed didn’t come out. “Are you sure?”
“I told you I’m fine. Leave me alone.”
“I think you’re not,” Jean answered and walked closer to the stall, leaning up against the wall next to it. “And that’s okay.”
He heard a sniffle, soft and muffled, but there was no doubt that Ed was crying.
Jean felt his heart break a little. He’d never been particularly onboard with the idea of a twelve-year-old joining the military. He often wondered what Mustang had been thinking. He’d even checked the regulations, realizing that what was happening was borderline legal. Of course, Jean knew there were kids Ed’s age near the frontline, running errands and delivering messages.
But Ed was more than that. This was a kid running his own missions, providing his own shelter and food. A kid who turned up every couple of weeks with a hastily written report in his suitcase and left with a new manila folder containing his next assignment. A kid they worried about when he wasn’t in East City, waiting for his regular check-in calls and getting antsy when they were late.
And most importantly, Ed was their kid. So hearing him cry made Jean’s throat close up, his concern sky-rocketing. He tried to keep his voice casual when he asked, “Do you want to come out?”
There was no answer.
“Or I could come in,” he offered, thinking that Ed might not wat to be seen crying by anyone who entered the restroom.
“Or you could leave.”
Jean smirked and then softly said, “I know what it’s like. Pretending that everything’s gonna be fine when you know it might not be.” It was quiet on the other side of the door, so he added, “My parents run a store back home. It’s fine now but back when they first started out, they sometimes struggled putting food on the table and mom cried a lot. They tried to hide it from us kids but I knew. I made sure my younger siblings didn’t, though.” He grimaced. “I used to cry in the school bathroom.”
There was silence for a long moment, then the lock clicked. Edward didn’t open the door, so Jean inched it open himself. He found Ed sitting on the closed lid of the toilet, huddled into his red coat and wiping his wet cheeks.
“Aw, Chief,” Jean said and crouched down.
“Sometimes I think I will never be able to fix it,” Ed said softly. “This trip was another bust. And the last five were as well. It’s like the Colonel isn’t even trying with the leads he finds, but I can’t…” He took a deep breath and looked at Jean with miserable eyes. “I can’t go to anyone else for information. Not without them asking questions I can’t answer. I’m stuck.”
“I don’t know what this is about, Chief, but I can guarantee you that the Colonel’s doing his best.”
“You gotta say that,” Ed muttered.
“I think you know it’s the truth.”
Ed ducked his head. “’s just…” He shrugged. “Hard. I don’t wanna Al to know but… sometimes I think we’ll never…” A tear tracked down his cheek and he wiped it off with a frustrated huff.
“You’re a good brother,” Jean said.
The restroom door opened and Ed stiffened, holding his breath. He was out of sight of Fuery, who was hovering in the doorway awkwardly, but he still curled into himself a little.
Fuery cleared his throat. “The Colonel’s looking for Fullmetal.”
“He’ll be right there,” Jean replied.
“Is he okay?”
“Just fine,” Jean replied, raising his eyebrows and nodding towards the door in a quiet bid for Fuery to leave.
“Oh,” Fuery muttered. “Okay.” He made sure to close the door as he left.
Ed sniffed. “Damn Colonel.”
“Hey,” Jean said and gripped Ed’s shoulders, pulling him to his feet. He curled his fingers under Ed’s jaw to make him look up. “Shoulders straight, chin up, take a deep breath.”
Ed followed the instructions, tugging his coat into place. When another tear tumbled down his cheek, Jean instinctively reached out and used his sleeve to wipe it away.
“Wash your face. Give it another ten minutes, alright?”
“But the Colonel-”
“I’ll let him know you’re on your way. He can wait a few more minutes.” He gave Ed an encouraging smile and made for the door.
Ed’s tentative voice stopped him in his tracks. “Havoc?”
He turned around to him.
“Thanks,” Ed said.
“Anytime.”
END
June 2022