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Asgore stirred the sugar in the tea cup as he stared at the steaming, hot liquid. The kitchen felt a little lifeless, but he had felt a bit more color bloom back into his life when Asriel had come back.
His son, back from the dead. It was truly a miracle, but.. it was a miracle that came with a cost. Everything about his son had completely changed. It was almost as if he was a different person entirely - no longer the innocent, angelic boy he had been raised and had been unjustly murdered as.
He then shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. It felt difficult to grasp, knowing that Asriel was ... older , now. He couldn't even remember if he liked his tea the same way he did before…
Sighing softly, he turned and headed towards Asriel's room, where he had been mostly cooped up all day. He couldn't help but feel a little worried.
"Asriel?" he called as he knocked on his door, waiting patiently outside. "I have brought you some tea ... would you like it?"
Asriel, meanwhile, was in bed. When he heard his father’s voice on the other side of the door, he groaned and pulled his blanket over his head. He was tired, and he was not in the mood to talk to his father at the moment. He could probably predict how their conversation would go, anyways.
“I’m fine. Leave me alone, please.”
Asgore frowned, going quiet for a moment, unsure of what to do. He wanted to help, but he didn't want to push his son's boundaries. It felt awkward for him, and he was never sure about these kinds of situations - especially concerning his family.
With that in mind, he decided to gently push open the door to look for his son, and felt his concerns only grow when he saw where Asriel was.
"I am sorry to intrude, but.. I am just worried about you, Asriel…”
For fucks sake ! Asriel really tried keeping it in, he really did. He tried to keep the bad part of him from bubbling to the surface, he wanted so badly to get better. Scratch that, he wanted to be better. He didn’t want to be some soulless asshole anymore. He didn’t want to feel like snapping at everyone he sees, and he didn’t want to see everyone as an annoying, predictable waste of time that he’s already heard all the dialogue for.
But even with a soul, it’s hard to break old habits.
Throwing off his covers, the words left his mouth before he could help it.
“Do you not understand what ‘leave me alone’ means?!”
Asgore flinched, automatically raising his paws as a defensive gesture - like he used to do with Toriel. For a moment, he looked hurt and conflicted.
"I just ... don't want you to feel alone." He looked away. "I am sorry for bothering you."
Dammit ! He didn’t mean for it to come out like that! He just wanted some alone time, since he felt his energy sapped out the more time he spent around others nowadays. His guilt would overwhelm him every time he looked a monster in the face - all he could think of is their faces before they turned to dust.
But he really didn’t mean to hurt Asg- Dad’s feelings. He needed to rectify this.
“I—“ Asriel sighed. “No. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, I’m just.. I’m just kind of in a bad mood. Sorry.”
Asgore nodded understandingly. "It is okay." As he slowly enters Asriel’s room, he says , "I do not wish to pressure you, but if you ever feel the need to talk to someone, I am right here." He then smiled weakly and gently placed the cup of tea on Asriel’s night stand.
Well.. now Asriel felt bad. He could tell his father was at least trying to be nice. That’s more than he could say for himself.
It still didn’t change what he was dealing with, though. “…Thanks.” Asriel says quietly, taking the tea cup. He’s not sure what else to say here, and he feels uncomfortable, so he looks away.
As he sips his tea, he considers what he can say next. After all, he knows the right words, the right dialogue , that will be guaranteed to make his father leave. A lot of that he learned when he was Flowey, so he knew what buttons to push in order to get his way. However, it would feel fake and manipulative to use that knowledge to his advantage now.
Plus, he had so many mixed feelings about everyone, not just his dad. Just being around other people made him feel.. on edge, almost. Like they could see through him and be able to see his sins. Overall, it was tiring him to feel that way all the time, so he tried avoiding people as much as possible. At least that way… he could almost pretend.
He could pretend like he didn’t do the things he did.
Asgore smiled, nodding again. He couldn't help but feel awkward as well - he so desperately wanted to reconnect with his son, and to talk with him like old times.
But. those 'old times' were gone. Things are different now.
"You are welcome.” The goat smiled weakly, the warmth and care still twinkling in his eyes. "I hope you feel better soon, Asriel."
The care in Asgore’s eyes.. a flood of emotions crashed over Asriel, and he could feel his grip on the teacup tighten. He shakily puts it on the nightstand as he takes a deep breath.
He didn’t deserve this.. to have Asgore care so much about him. He didn’t deserve anything.
“Thanks,” he says again, and pulls the covers back over his head.
Asgore frowned, not leaving from where he was, his paternal instincts immediately kicking in. He quietly took a seat and sat down, placing his paws together. Asgore then spoke gently, "You do not deserve to suffer alone, you know."
“…” Asriel stayed silent for a bit, his thoughts going a million miles a hour in his head. I /should/ suffer alone, he thought. It’s what I deserve. I deserve this.
“…I’m fine,” he says finally. “Nothing is wrong. I’m not suffering or anything, I’m just tired. Don’t worry about me.”
…That sounded a bit too forceful, but he couldn’t take it back now. Asriel fidgeted awkwardly - he didn’t like it that his parents were worried about him. In a way, he wishes things could just go back to how they used to be.
But they never will, not now. Things will never be the same again.
Asgore's brows knit together. His words felt so similar as to what he used to tell himself - that he was fine. That he wasn't ... suffering, and that he wasn't hurting. He knew how it felt to drown in guilt.
"Asriel ... please talk to me," Asgore said, almost pleading. "It isn't good to hide from your feelings."
If only he knew , Asriel thought. If only he knew how many times I’ve killed him. How many times I’ve killed his people and laughed as I spread their dust everywhere. How many times I mocked him about what he’s done, and about Mom leaving… he wouldn’t be so concerned then.
Nobody knows. Nobody really knows apart from Frisk and Alphys. Asriel is pretty sure Sans has an inkling of how he came back, too, but he wasn’t 100% sure, and he wasn’t about to ask Sans that. It was better if the secret behind his revival was kept just that - a secret.
Asriel figured that if he had to tell Asgore something, he could pretend he’s mostly upset about Chara. It’s not entirely a lie, after all... it’s just not the entire story.
Dammit, he doesn’t know about their plan either…
“I’m not hiding from anything,” he says. The denial in his tone is obvious, but he doesn’t care anymore. He’s tired. “I told you, I’m just tired. That’s why I’m in bed. I’ll be fine.”
Asgore's heart sank, and he frowned wearily, closing his eyes tiredly. He knew Asriel was hiding something from him, but he didn't know what. Still, he would have to respect his son's decision.
“I trust you, then. Please, never forget how much I care about you." His voice was gentle as he got up, placing a paw on the door. "I will be in the garden if you need me."
Asriel really hated hearing those words. ” Never forget how much I care about you.”
You shouldn’t, old man.
He sucked in a breath and responded, “sure,” as Asgore left the room.
Asgore frowned as he headed outside, putting on his sunhat. He couldn't stop worrying about Asriel, even as he left and started to dig up the weeds that had started growing around his sunflowers. His soul hurt as he thought about what he could be going through. He wanted more than anything to help - but he felt helpless. Deep down, he couldn't help but feel scared.
He didn't want to lose Asriel. Not again.
The possibility felt more and more real every day. Like any day now, he’d wake up back underground, and it was all a dream, his wife was still gone and his son was still dead. The thought of that haunted him constantly.
He did his best to ignore his fears, knowing his paranoia wouldn't help Asriel, but.. he felt alone in his fear, like he had nobody to talk to. Toriel could possibly understand, but Toriel certainly wasn't interested in talking to him, so… he didn’t really have many other options besides keeping it in.
Asgore got to work. Gardening was a distraction. It was something to get his mind elsewhere, and he would do it a lot whenever he felt like he couldn’t get his mind off his problems. It was the best coping mechanism he had right now, but.. it was never enough.
It would have to do for today, though.
While Asgore was out in the garden, Asriel tried to sleep. He would always have a hard time doing so, though — he usually had a lot of nightmares whenever he tried to sleep. He had nightmares about a lot of things… like his mistakes, his past, Chara, resets.. about everything, really. It was like it was all his mind could focus on.
So he stayed awake.
Not only that, but it felt kind of.. odd to sleep again? As Flowey, he didn’t really need to ‘sleep’, perse. He had to bask in sunlight sometimes to regain some energy, but he didn’t really need to get in bed anymore, for obvious reasons. Sometimes, as Flowey, he would try to sleep anyway, just close his eyes for a bit. He was used to doing it as a kid, and it passed time, so he would do it. But he didn’t technically need to do it at that point, so it felt weird to have to sleep again.
However, even now, he still feel more energized in the sun (which he hated, by the way. It felt like a cruel reminder of who he actually was). He’s probably going to need to go outside soon. Asriel groaned at the thought - Asgore’s outside! He didn’t want to run into his father after such an awkward moment.
Asgore’s mind raced as he tried to keep himself from worrying about his son by thinking about how he could possibly cheer him up. He knew that by encouraging him to go outside with him would earn him some groans, so he let him have his space instead.
He felt himself spacing out as he tossed the weeds aside and wiped his forehead a bit. Gardening always relaxed him, if only for a moment. It was one of the ways he stayed sane. It was like caring for someone when he felt he couldn’t, and that brought him comfort.
Asriel, meanwhile, felt apprehensive about going outside. Having fur again made him overheat super quickly - he didn’t know HOW the hell he dealt with it as a kid. How did he never realize how hot and stuffy fur is until he no longer had any? He always felt super hot now, and he wished he could shave off some of his fur. Sometimes he would even walk around in just his shorts, just to feel cool, but then Toriel would yell at him for walking around almost nude, so he stopped doing that.
But he did need sunlight at some point, he knew that. Alphys even told him so after doing some tests on his artificial soul - he was more ‘physical’ than magic like the average monster was, and his body’s makeup was some weird amalgamation of magic, boss monster and flower. He had a body made of magic again (albeit weak magic) but he still had physicality due to the determination, so he had to do things like go in the sunlight for a bit for that reason. And actually being in the sun itself was the key— opening the blinds to his room only did so much.
He sighed and got up, not bothering to put on a shirt, and just threw on some pants before exiting the room.
Asgore hummed quietly to himself as he finished weeding his flowers, moving onto the hedges and starting to clip them instead. Gardening always seemed to put him in a good mood, even if he felt greatly worried at the moment.
He stretched a little, looking up at the sky. It was a rather sunny day today, perfect weather for a picnic. He smiled hopefully. Perhaps one day he could have that with his family.
Asriel, still inside, looked out the window, seeing Asgore out in the garden. He felt apprehensive, but he knew he didn’t really have much options here. He needed at least a few minutes in the sun to feel energized again. And if he tried to avoid Asgore by going to the backyard or something, Asgore would still see him exit the front door and probably try to talk to him, so.. there was no avoiding him.
Despite himself, he opened the door and headed outside.
Asgore's ear twitched as he heard his son open the door, and he smiled, overjoyed that he had decided to join him. "Howdy!" he greeted him cheerfully, smiling at him proudly. "I am so happy you could join me outside."
“Hmmph.” Asriel’s lip curled, and he willed himself not to say anything rude or sarcastic in response. He already felt hot — God, he hates how stuffy his fur is nowadays — but he knew he needed to wait it out at least a few minutes. He sighs and walks over to where his father is gardening and kneels down. “What are you doing?”
Asgore smiled, happy that his son was joining him. "I am just going to prune the hedges. Would you like to water the flowers for me?"
Asriel looks down at the flowers, then back at his father again.
“Sure,” he said, taking the watering can. “Somebody’s got to take care of them, I guess.”
He smiled warmly, surprised at how familiar the words felt. "Thank you!" He turned, getting up and dusting his pants off, grabbing the clippers to get started.
Well… at least he’s happy , Asriel thought. He looks down at the flowers again. Golden flowers. It reminds him of the flowerbed he died and then woke up in.
“…Hey, Dad?”
"Hm?" Asgore tilted his head. "What is it, Asriel?"
Now, Asriel already knew what happened after his death, of course. He heard it many times as Flowey. And he’s pretty sure he knows what Asgore’s answer is going to be… that Flowey was a bit familiar due to the deja vu, but that he doesn’t know him. However, for some reason, he was curious and wanted to bring it up anyway. This was technically an… unique timeline, after all.
“I’m sorry if this is um.. awkward to bring up…” Asriel began as tactfully as possible, wringing his hands together in a nervous manner, hoping to appear innocent. “…but do you remember a flower at all? A talking one?”
Asgore frowned, memories flashing in his head. They were so ... violent - but he couldn't remember the clear details - only flashes.
"I ... do not know," he admitted slowly, looking away from his son, unable to look him in the eye. He wasn't sure if he should tell him - or anyone for that matter - of what he remembered.
Asriel twiddled his thumbs together. He had inklings that Asgore remembered some things - had slight deja vu of them, maybe. Asgore probably wasn’t going to say that to him, though. Asriel was also sure Sans had flashes of them as well, considering that during his resets Sans could tell the amount of times he had died and things like that. Of course, though, Sans would never admit it. Whenever he tried getting answers out of him, Sans would just do the whole time travel, ‘legendary fartmaster’ thing. So, he had no real way of confirming 100% how it worked for everyone, but some things Asgore and some others had said in the past… it had given him that impression.
Sometimes, as Flowey, he’d even test it - one timeline he would harass a particular monster enough to where he figured they were traumatized, and then the next timeline, see if they’re still afraid of him. Sometimes it would work (even if they didn’t know why they were weary around him) and sometimes it wouldn’t.. it seemed to depend on the circumstances.
Asriel also wasn’t entirely sure how memories were affected during resets. Most monsters seemed to forget, but retain a small sense of deja vu. But usually the more times he resetted, the more whatever particular timeline was forgotten. But some— like Asgore and Sans — seemed to have stronger deja vu than others. It was weird.
Asriel was, of course, the only monster who could ever remember fully , though.
He takes a deep breath as he puts down the watering can. Acting face on.
Let’s hope I’m still good at lying.
“Ah.. I ask because Frisk has mentioned one in the Underground before, when they first showed up. They said that it tried to hurt them and some other people, I think, and I was just concerned…. If that thing ever got out of the Underground..” Asriel swallows. That wasn’t convincing, idiot.
Asgore looked back at him, studying his face quietly. Something told him his son wasn't being completely honest with him, but… his words felt so believable. So he nodded understandingly, and looked thoughtful.
"Well ... to tell you the truth, I do not remember much detail," he admitted, finally deciding to let his walls down a bit.
"Perhaps it's just because I've been getting old, hohoho. But I do remember speaking with a flower before." His confusion slowly disappeared as other memories flashed through his head. Some of them felt ... peaceful. Some of them felt painful. "It's ... strange. I do not remember the details, yet it is on the tip of my tongue ... What was his name again? Flower the Flowey ... ?"
“Hah, you’re not that old,” Asriel reassures him, choosing to forget how many timelines he’s insulted his father in some way or form for being old.
He feels a pit in the stomach at his old name — Asgore’s technically the one who named him when he came back… kind of. Asgore wasn’t good at names, so he ended up just calling him ‘Flower,’ for awhile (before he told Asgore his actual name in that timeline, anyway). And then Asgore had decided to modify it to ‘Flowey’ since it sounded more like an actual name… and it just kind of stuck ever since. Asriel was aware it was kind of a dumb name, and there were some timelines he used different names, but it grew on him.. no pun intended.
“…uh, I think so,” he says, choosing not to correct his father. “My point is just.. what if that flower comes to the surface and tries hurting people again?”
Asriel then sighed, “I don’t…” He tried his best to sound concerned, but in actuality, he was trying to ask to see what Asgore would do should he turn bad again. In some timelines Asgore would do nothing, in some Asgore would fight Flowey, but it would really depend on the situation. And this was, technically, a new situation, given that they were on the surface now and everything…
“I just.. I don’t want any more trouble or anything, yknow? I don’t want to give the humans any reason to hate us, or for anyone else to get hurt, or…”
Asgore listened quietly, frowning for a moment as he considered Asriel's words carefully. He slowly placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, looking a bit more protective than usual.
"If you are worried you will get hurt, I promise I will protect you. No matter what happens. It is my duty to protect my people, and that includes you, my son." His usual soft voice dipped into a firm, protective tone, a fierce whisper of ‘never again’ that went unspoken. He seemed to realise himself at that moment, and smiled weakly at Asriel before looking down at the garden.
"I do not think this 'Flowey' creature will be able to bring much harm to us, though. After all, he hasn't followed us to the surface, no?" he chuckled.
Asriel balls his fists, but doesn’t say anything.
"I really do pity him, to be truthful. He must be terribly lonely down there, all the same." He bowed his head. "I cannot find it in myself to fully hold any anger towards him."
Asriel figured that Asgore wouldn’t be too worried - after all, in past timelines as Flowey, he often would need to get Asgore in a vulnerable state in order to kill him. Asgore was strong, and with the human souls being gone.. if they were to fight, Asriel probably would struggle a bit to defeat him (especially now that he can’t reset). So Asgore really had no reason to fear him, honestly.
The last statement, however, took Asriel aback. “What?” he asked, slightly surprised. “What do you mean, you aren’t angry?”
Asgore looked down, a look of shame on his face.
"Because... it would not be right of me. For me to place blame or hold anything against the flower... it would not be right, especially with what I have done." He frowned, shaking his head.
"I blame myself for some of the anger monsters have within themselves. I would not be surprised if my own terrible actions were what caused or inspired his personality….” Asgore’s voice grew softer as he struggled to look his son in the eye.
’Inspired his personality’…that’s one way to put it , Asriel thought, thinking back to when he first woke up in the garden, and Asgore had found him, and told him what had happened. He had, originally, been appalled to learn what had happened since his death. Back then, it was hard to believe that his father was capable of such a thing. He couldn’t believe his father would kill kids, kids not too different from Chara, all in Asriel’s name... after he had just sacrificed his life in order to not kill anyone. After all that, his father had gone and killed anyway. It was honestly ironic, and at first, it had made his death feel very pointless. Why did I let them kill me, if some of the humans were gonna get killed anyway?
Of course, it doesn’t shock him now, though. He’s killed the entire underground plenty of times. Asgore killing a few kids was nothing in comparison to what he himself has done, really. He would be the biggest hypocrite in the world to judge.
At least he had a reason , Asriel’s conscience reminds him. He was trying to free our kind. You had no reason besides ‘I’m bored.’
Asriel swallowed again, trying not to let his own guilt consume him. He then tried to think of something to say, feeling awkward at the momentary silence that followed Asgore’s words. He figured that it would probably be best to try to convince Asgore that he was not at fault for the sins of others, but he knew from prior timelines that Asgore would just blame himself anyway, regardless of what Asriel told him. It would be a losing battle to try to convince his father otherwise.
At last, Asriel spoke, “..I see.” He’s not sure of what else to say at first, but he then thinks of something. “Aren’t you worried about that, though?“
"Not so,” Asgore gravely replied as he looked down. “I have a responsibility to make up for my past sins.” He tried, he really, really tried to not to allow himself to become consumed by his emotions when he was around his son, but nevertheless, knew that there were some things he couldn't hide from him either.
"So, as tempting as that is, I cannot allow myself to wallow in my guilt. I must find a way to correct my mistakes, to further ensure peace remains in my kingdom."
Asriel bit his lip. He didn’t think it was intentional on Asgore’s part, but it was almost like he was being directly called out there. ‘As tempting as it is, I cannot allow myself to wallow in my guilt.’ That was basically all Asriel has done since coming to the surface. It was hard to do anything else when the amount of guilt he had was so overwhelming.
Asriel sat down in the grass. He felt energized enough now, but he couldn’t just leave. It would be awkward to leave during such a conversation. “So.. you aren’t worried about monster-human relations being tense, then? Claiming responsibility for that only does so much, you know.”
“Ah … no, I am rather worried about that,” admitted Asgore, looking thoughtful. “But it is my own foolishness that caused those tensions in the first place. I should have handled everything so much better.”
He frowned, wearing an expression he often wore when he was trying not to cry. He turned away from Asriel slightly to hide this. “The burdens and regrets on my shoulders that I have … it is almost unbearable. But I get up and face them because I must. Not as just king - but as a father, too.”
He couldn’t help but smile slightly. Despite everything, the knowledge that one of his loved ones was still alive and that he had a duty to care for was what truly kept him going. Maybe he’d admit that to Asriel someday, but it seemed too silly to say out loud.
Despite turning away, Asriel could tell Asgore was close to tears at this point. Nice going , he thought to himself. You try to have a conversation with him, and you end up reminding him of all the shit he’s been through. Idiot.
Asriel really wants to ask what’s on his mind. That being, ‘how DO you face your burdens and regrets, if your sins are too much?’ His sins are astronomical compared to Asgore’s, after all. But Asgore doesn’t know that, and by the way he words things, Asriel fears it will just come off as him making a dig at Asgore as opposed to him asking for himself. Also, at this point, he feels like he’s upset Asgore enough already.
“Good luck with that, then,” he says simply, getting up to leave. It was a bit rude, sure, but he couldn’t think of how else to respond to that.
“Oh … you’re leaving?” Asgore’s heart sunk as he watched his son leave, disappointment evident in his voice. Despite their earlier conversation, it appeared that he seemed to be quite relieved in talking to Asriel about his burdens.
“I am sorry,” he chuckled, albeit a bit sheepishly. “I did not mean to be a bother.”
Asriel panics internally. Crap, I didn’t mean it like that. “You weren’t a bother, don’t worry.” He wipes at the grass stains on his pants, then says, “I’m just making this awkward, I think. Sorry.”
“No, no. You are not making it awkward at all,” Asgore said, sounding a little happier, before continuing, “I know it is rather selfish to carry on about myself, but the truth is, I find it helpful to talk with you.”
He then smiled kindly. “I do not know why… perhaps it is because you are my son, but… I see myself in you quite a bit.”
“..you see yourself in me,” Asriel repeats. He finds it annoying how many times he thinks about how he’s heard it before, but he can’t help it. He really did exhaust everything he could have possibly done during his resets, and that includes talking to his father. He turns around and acts as if this is the first time he’s heard Asgore say that, though. “How come?”
Asgore hesitated, raising an eyebrow a little as if he sensed something off about Asriel’s reply, but he didn’t press him.
Instead, he looked down. “Well, I do not know why, but I have the feeling you are keeping a lot to yourself than you let on. I cannot pass judgement to you for this if that is the case, however.. I have done the same.”
“ … "
Again.. if only he knew .
After a long pause, Asriel says, “I feel like everyone does that. Keep things to themselves.” That was true. He knew that for a fact, since a lot of the monsters down underground hid things about themselves, and he’d uncovered all their dirty little secrets for himself.
“I suppose,” Asgore says quietly, looking away. “But… it is my duty to keep up a strong image as king. Having to pretend I don’t feel a magnitude of guilt for my crimes, just so my people do not worry about me … it is almost unbearable.”
Asriel could definitely relate to that to some extent - having to pretend like he didn’t just commit genocide thousands of times over in other timelines was not easy. At the very least, he wasn’t king, though, so he did not have nearly as many responsibilities as Asgore did.
Asriel frowned as he considered that. Would he be king one day, if Asgore were to die? He and Toriel don’t appear to age still, and since Asriel’s soul was now part human soul and part artificial, his soul wasn’t connected to theirs anymore. So they were, theoretically, still immortal (if nothing happened to them, that is), and Asriel wouldn’t have to worry about it.. hopefully. There was always that chance, though, of something happening to Asgore, forcing Asriel to take his role, and the thought was horrifying.
Geez, if Asgore was so close to breaking apart from the weight of his guilt, imagine how much worse he would be as king?
Asriel doesn’t know why he says it, but the next thing to come out of his mouth surprises even him. “Your people worry about you regardless.”
Asgore looked at him with surprise, a small grateful smile forming on his face. His eyes were still tired, but he seemed to appreciate Asriel’s words.
“Thank you, my son.” He took in a breath and then exhaled, looking weary. “But.. they shouldn’t have to. I am their king, and it is my duty to lead them, regardless of how I feel.”
“I guess..” Asriel said, starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. He didn’t want to think of the possibility of himself being in Asgore’s position anymore - he definitely would not be able to handle that burden, the burden of trying to bury his emotions in order to lead an entire kingdom. He already felt himself going mad as it is, just trying to hide the truth about himself from everyone. He definitely didn’t envy Asgore right now.
“You don’t have to bury your feelings in order to do your job, though,” he says. He turns for the door, but not before looking back.
“Besides… it’s not just you who’s done bad things, anyway. There are monsters who get it.”
Understatement of the year.
Asgore paused, frowning as he stared after Asriel going back inside the house. He … supposed he was right, but … it hurt all the same, knowing he was responsible for their actions indirectly by declaring war in the first place.
He sighed, deciding to finish up with the watering of the plants. He could always prune the hedges later.
Right now, he just wanted to spend time with his son today.