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The sun was just beginning to rise by the time Izuku and Katsuki were making their way out of the agency. The agency that they built from the ground up as soon as they became heroes. The number one and two ranked heroes made it to their cars that were parked right next to each other, both tired from their night shift.
“Still coming over for dinner tomorrow, Nerd?” Katsuki asked before leaving. He looked Izuku up and down, frowning. His gut was telling him that something was wrong with his best friend, but he couldn’t figure out why. Midoriya looked fatigued and overworked, but there seemed to be something more.
Izuku smiled, but it was dull. Even when he was dead on his feet, Midoriya’s smile could still put the sun to shame. This one was, however, strained. It almost looked painful. The knot in Bakugou’s stomach grew to a point where it was impossible to ignore. Hero work depended on trusting your instinct, and right now Katsuki’s was blaring alarms.
“Of course. You know I can’t pass up your cooking, Kacchan,” Izuku replies. His voice sounded so worn and distant. As if his mind was somewhere else entirely. This wasn’t like him, and Katsuki had to find out why.
He stopped Izuku from getting into the car, “Okay, Deku. What’s up? You’re acting fuckin’ weird.” Maybe it wasn’t how an average person would ask if someone was okay, but this was Bakugou Katsuki. Besides, Midoriya would know exactly what he meant.
“Sorry, Kacchan,” Izuku replies, “M’ just tired.”
He narrows his eyes, not believing him for a second. Before he can say anything, Izuku hops into his car and says his farewells. They’re not radiant or even disappointed like Izuku’s goodbyes usually are. All of it is vacant. His demeanor, smile, and voice. Concern swells in Katsuki. He hurriedly gets into his own car and tails after Izuku. Something about this was foreboding.
He speeds up.
________
Izuku doesn’t know what’s happening.
All he knows is that there’s an invisible weight on his chest that feels like it’s crushing everything inside of him. He can breathe and move, but it’s so hard. Not in the physical sense, although it seems like that to Izuku. No, there’s this lack of energy to do anything .
Midoriya’s hands grip the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles crack. He’s trying to fight back tears. Why? Why does he feel like he’s drowning? Nothing has happened. Everything has been amazing. He's the number one hero for goodness sake! Not to mention that he has amazing friends, a supporting mother, a wonderful father-figure, and loving fans. This is not cold, lonely middle school.
So why does he feel like this?
His questioning is bullshit and he knows it. Izuku knows that this has been building up for a long time. Maybe forever. Being number one wasn’t as glamorous as people believed it to be. There was a lot more pressure from everyone. So many people who criticized everything he could’ve and should’ve done. Bringing every slight mistake into the public.
Then there was One For All. He was the last person that will ever be gifted with it (was the quirk a gift, though? Sometimes it felt like a curse. Always standing behind him, whispering into his ear). Izuku felt like he was wasting all of the potential the quirk possessed. Even years after gaining it, he still questioned if he deserved it. If the quirk had been given to someone else would they have made all the mistakes people always point out? Would they have saved more people?
He sobs, not ever noticing the car following him. Everyone had such high expectations for him, even himself. There were all of these things he kept on reaching for, but no matter how high he jumped or how far he stretched his arm, Izuku could never reach them. What if he was a failure? What if All Might regretted his decision of giving Izuku One For All?
The past vestiges were silent these days. Perhaps they were disappointed in him. Izuku doesn’t blame them.
He was crossing a bridge when the thoughts got darker. More menacing and ruthless than they have been in years.
Izuku couldn’t do this. How did he ever think he could be a hero? No matter how much he tried, spending hours upon hours training his quirks and his body to save people, it was never enough. He was still worthless. Izuku wasn’t special. He was a nobody hiding underneath a carefully constructed facade. Someone who was strong and confident and happy . Izuku was weak and self-deprecating and so incredibly tired.
He craved rest. Something that he has never truly had. Izuku continued to shake and cry as thoughts whirled around his head like a raging hurricane. His chest heavy and heart bleeding in pain.
Maybe that’s why he didn’t think about it. Maybe he was just too exhausted to think about the people he would be leaving behind or of all the countless more people he could save. Maybe he was so overwhelmed that he had no energy to push the cruel thoughts away.
Whatever it was, Izuku didn’t think about it when he swerved his car to the right, aiming to go over the bridge. Aiming to take his own life.
He didn’t think until he caught a glimpse of the sunrise from the corner of his eye. It wasn’t even a second, but once he saw that glorias sun, he thought about the people he loved.
They’ll get over me, was Izuku’s only thought. A phrase he’s been telling himself since he first thought about dying, and has thought about every day since. It was a comfort for Izuku, especially since he knew deep down how little self-preservation he held.
All of a sudden the car came to a lurching stop as it banged against the sturdy metal railing of the bridge. Izuku was flung forward, his stomach hitting the middle of the steering wheel. Pain exploded around his abdominal area as the impact of the crash cracked a few of Izuku’s ribs. It only lasted a few seconds; none of it going in slow motion like the movies. Izuku sat in the car for a moment, not knowing what to feel. Was he disappointed? Relieved? It was neither. To Izuku, it felt like one of those things where he’d just shrug and go on with his day. Maybe that wasn’t a good thing to feel after what he just did, but he honestly didn’t know how else he could process it.
Because Izuku didn’t have this big revelation that he actually still wants to live and that maybe, just maybe, he should reach out to someone. He didn’t care if he died, so maybe that was why he wasn’t disappointed or relieved. Not that it really mattered to him. All he wanted to do was go to his cozy apartment, sleep, and then go to Kacchan’s tomorrow.
Perhaps he was in shock, but he didn’t feel like he was in shock. Maybe a little bit numb, if even that.
The only things really stressing Izuku were two things. The first one was if his car still worked. Izuku really didn’t feel like using his quirk at the moment. The second thought was if anyone else witnessed what happened. Izuku didn’t think he saw anyone when he tried to… was “die” the right word? It didn’t seem quite right, but nothing exactly seemed right at the moment.
He didn’t have to ponder that worry for long because soon, probably not even a minute after the crash, someone slammed open the car door. It took longer than it should have for Izuku to realize who it was. The person was Kacchan.
And he was crying.
______
Katsuki couldn’t believe it. There was no fucking way what he just witnessed was real. It must be a quirk or a dream or, or-
No quirk or dream could replicate the look on Deku’s face when he slammed the car door open. At first it was filled with shock, then dawning realization. That’s when the terror painted itself across Deku’s face. Katsuki didn’t notice he was crying until Izuku got out of the car with a wince (he was hurt. In more pain than Bakugou ever realized) and wiped the tears falling down his cheeks. He could’ve laughed. Even with what just happened (oh God, oh God. Deku, his Deku, just tried to-) Izuku’s first instinct was to always help.
It wasn’t fair, Katsuki decided. For someone so loving, amazing, and kind as Izuku to have tried to do something so awful . It broke his heart. Fucking shattered it like it was nothing.
Katsuki grabbed the hand on his cheek while forcing himself to look Deku in the eyes. The beautiful green eyes he always adored were shining; only because there were tears in them. Not because he was reciting his new analysis or talking with his friends or meeting a fan.
Letting go of Izuku’s hand Katsuki asked, “Please tell me why you tried to do that.” He tried not to make his voice sound like he was begging, but he didn’t do a very convincing job.
Apparently Izuku’s brain was in shock. Maybe denial. Or something else entirely. Because the next words that came out of his mouth were just plain stupid in Katsuki’s opinion.
“Did what?” Izuku rebutted, tilting his head to the side. Katsuki could sense the tingling of frustration developing, but forced himself to shove it down. Getting frustrated wasn’t going to do any of them any good.
“ Izuku , you tried to drive your car off of a fucking bridge. Don’t try to tell me it was an accident. You’re practically the safest driver to ever exist and there’s nothing that your car could have skid on. I’m not mad, I swear. I just need to know why so I can help you. Are you injured at all?” His own voice sounded foriegn to him. He was trying his best to remain calm, but in reality his mind was frantic for answers. Everything around him had crumbled in a matter of seconds. Katsuki didn’t know how to process watching his best friend try to drive himself off of a bridge. It seemed impossible. Never had he thought… No, Katsuki had wondered if Deku ever thought about doing it back before he got his quirk. Everyone knew the statistics, but Katsuki had just assumed that now that Izuku had a quirk, there wasn’t any need to worry. What had he missed? There must’ve been something that could have warned him that Izuku was not in a good head space.
Izuku’s eyes dropped as he leaned forward to lean his head on Bakugou’s chest. Katsuki wanted to get him as far away from the bridge as possible. He wanted to hug him and tell him that everything was going to be okay.
Was it going to be okay?
“I didn’t mean to. I just did without even thinking about it. I’m fine, I promise,” Izuku whispered. It seemed like he was trying to convince himself more than Katsuki.
What was he supposed to do?
______
Izuku couldn’t stand the look Kacchan was giving him. He looked so confused. So hurt . Izuku had put that look there. If only he wasn’t so damn stupid.
“That’s bullshit and you know it. You just tried to kill yourself,” Katsuki stated in a non-accusatroy tone. It was so like Kacchan to meet things head on with a blunt but heroic force.
Still, Izuku couldn’t help but yell at Katsuki, “It wasn’t like that! I just spaced out for a second. A momentary lapse of judgment. Why can’t we just pretend this never happened?” They both knew why they couldn’t do what Izuku suggested. Practically begged for. This wasn’t something that they could brush off. No matter how much Izuku thought that he could.
“Can’t you see, you damn Deku? What if this happened to you on a different day where I decided not to follow you?! What if there wasn’t a rail in the way, huh?!”
Midoriya shoved Katsuki. Too afraid to admit the truth behind his words. He yelled back, “Well, none of that happened! I’m still alive.” Izuku took a deep breath. As if just realizing that he was in fact, still alive. Did it even matter? So what if he was remote instead? With no one knowing where he was. He might be dead by now if that was the case. Why was that such a big deal?
“Yeah? And if you had a chance to change anything, would you still be alive? Tell me the truth,” Bakugou demanded. He seemed so fragile and scared. Izuku decided he never wanted to see him like that again.
Would he change anything? Again, Izuku didn’t practically care whether he lived or died. Maybe he would. Maybe he wouldn’t. But looking at Kacchan made him realize something. Just because he didn’t care didn’t mean someone else felt the same. It was a hard thought to come to terms with. It felt like a lie. Besides, there was still that one statement that he always repeated to himself.
They’ll get over me.
Izuku didn’t realize he had said that aloud until he noticed the shattered look on Katsuki’s face and the stream of tears gliding down his flushed face. Izuku would’ve cried with him if he had any more tears left in him.
Katsuki begins to shake his head furiously, “That’s not true. Your mom would never recover. All Might would never be the same. Your closest friends would never forgive themselves for not knowing. I would die, Izuku. I can’t live without you beside my side. None of us would ever get over you. We love you too much. God, Izu, I love you with every breath I take. I need you.”
Izuku sobs, ignoring the pain in his ribs as he crushes Bakugou with a hug.
“I’m so sorry,” He cries, “I was just so overwhelmed and it felt like everything was closing in. I truly didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Katsuki hugs him back gently, “We’ll figure this out. Let me help you the way you’ve helped countless people. You’re worth saving, Izuku.”
Was he? Was he really?
_______
Bakugou calls a pick up truck to come and get Izuku’s car. After that is done, he guides Deku to his car and opens the passenger seat for him. Neither say a word, both too worn out to voice anything. Katsuki walked around the car and got into the driver’s seat, looking at Izuku one last time before turning the car on. He looked, and Katsuki absolutely loathed to admit this, defeated. Deku’s shoulders were slumped and he was staring at his scarred hands blankly. He seemed so lost and hopeless. Katsuki wouldn’t be surprised if Izuku was spacing out- trying to get as far away from the last hour as possible.
“We’re going to the hospital,” Katsuki informs him. It wasn’t up for negotiating. He knew that Izuku was injured by the way he was holding himself, and he didn’t have the supplies at home or the skills to treat internal wounds.
“I’m fine,” Izuku rasps out. Half-assed at best. He tsks and drums his fingers on the steering wheel while taking a deep breath to calm himself.
Katsuki keeps his eyes on the road as he argues, “I see the way you’re holding yourself, Deku. What’s hurting? Leg? Stomach? Arm?” He really hoped it wasn’t the last one. Izuku’s body can’t handle any more injuries to his arms. They’ve been broken too many times. He would really prefer Izuku not being injured at all, but that wasn’t likely.
God, was all of that self-sacrificing crap really a way of self-destruction? It makes sense, and it’s agonizing to admit that. The way he never took Deku own life seriously, always willing to throw it away at the first glance.
Bakugou’s hands tighten on the steering wheel.
“I fractured some ribs. Nothing I haven’t dealt with before,” Izuku finally answers. Katsuki scoffs. He’s broken ribs before, and it hurts like hell. Not to mention how utterly dangerous it was.
“We’re not arguing about this. We’re going to the hospital. After that we’ll drive to my house and talk about everything, no matter how long it takes. No matter how much time you need.” He was determined about this. Katsuki would be there for Izuku if it was the last thing he would ever do.
About fifteen minutes later, five more minutes until they arrive at the hospital, Izuku says, “I love you too.” It caught Katsuki so off guard that he almost didn’t notice the stop sign and then had to stomp on the breaks, lurching them forward.
Katsuki whipped his head to look at Izuku, “What did you say?”
Izuku gulps, “You said that you loved me. I just wanted you to know that I feel the same way.” Warmth spreads its way up Katsuki’s face at the declaration. Never in a million years did he think the possibility of Izuku liking, loving, him back would become a reality.
He took a deep breath to try to calm himself and started to drive again. He wanted to kiss Izuku and hold him tight, but the time wasn’t right. Izuku needed to get help first, “We’re going to take this one step at a time, okay Izu?”
Izuku’s voice cracks, “I’m scared.” Those two words held so much that it was impossible to unpack it all at once. That was okay, though, because they had time.
“So am I, but we’re fucking heroes. We’ll get through it.” And Katsuki meant it with every fiber in his body.
Izuku smiled, the first real one all day, and nodded. Katsuki thought he was beautiful.
“Yeah.”